Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Tokyo Babylon. 'Infatuation' and 'Kimi ni' is my own lyrics. 'Crazy' is by Marysia.
Calendar Boy
By miyamoto yui
Part 4 – Being close, being pushed away.
I found myself saying to his ear, "I want you here."
That's all I could say. It couldn't even begin to explain all the things that were running through my head.
I wasn't scared about being rejected, for these things have been a part of my life. I was scared that he would also push himself away from me, even if he was right in front to me.
I didn't know how to explain it. It was not about him leaving, but about him being 'cursed' if I loved him.
I would hurt him too…
Of all things, right now, I didn't want that to happen.
He looked back at me with a serious face as he patted my hand, "Let's go out."
"B-but, it's almost twelve o'clock," I protested as I found myself standing up with him already letting my hand go. While going to the bathroom, he shook his head, "Change into that kimono and let me know when I can come back out."
I began to say, "You don't have to-"
'Click' went the bathroom door.
So, there I was going to the closet and taking out Hokuto's bag. I unfolded the kimono within my hands and started to take off my clothing.
[ *winces * * blush * "I feel like such a voyeur." * continues to drool *]
Then, I put on the kimono while pulling on the sleeves and wrapping the sash around my waist. I blushed as I looked around me to see if I had put it on correctly.
"I'm finished," I called to Seishirou as I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself not really knowing what to say or do.
I was going to just trust him on whatever he was planning to do.
When he came out, I said to him, "I don't know how to put the sash. Do you think I should ask Hokuto-chan to put the obi on?"
He shook his head as he came up to me and pulled on my kimono and wrapped the sash carefully around my waist. "This will have to do. We don't have time for that right now."
"Don't have time…?" I asked in a confused tone as he wrapped his arms around me while I pulled on my sleeves and blushed at his solemn face.
I couldn't read if he was still trying to avoid looking at me or if he was planning something.
"We're going out," he said as soon as he tied the sash. "If you're going to learn to act like a woman, then you'll have to have a practice run."
"Shouldn't I ask Hokuto-chan about this?" I asked shyly as he went into the closet and took out his bag. He took out a black jacket to compliment the black tie and white long-sleeved shirt he had on.
He pulled on his jacket as he looked at me. He didn't say anything as he gestured for me to sit on the bed. He took out something else from another bag of Hokuto's. Then, he pulled my chin gently as he put lipstick on my lips.
I blushed more as he pulled out a napkin and I did what Hokuto did whenever she put on makeup.
At that, he got up and put on his shoes again while I was told to put on the slippers that would clack wherever I went. I didn't question it though.
If he was going to go through all this effort me, I had to at least be grateful for it.
When we left the hotel, I was to fold my hands over one another as we walked around. Seishirou asked me, "So, where do you want to go?"
"I don't usually go out this late unless it's for a shigoto, Seishirou-san," I honestly replied, seeing how much of a child I was next to him.
I looked at his profile while his amber eyes shined in front of me with mystery and foreboding. There was a danger to this mood that I wasn't accustomed to. Seishirou was too stern, and it seemed very strange for me to see him so flustered this way.
I found myself reaching out to his hand even if I was super conscious about my own, especially since I had just told him what my gloves meant to him. "Seishirou-san?"
He seemed kind of lost as he looked around him, trying to find somewhere to go.
"Stop thinking about what I told you," I comforted.
He glanced back at me and then looked away.
"It's not like it's your fault," I tried to tell him while squeezing his hand.
At that, he didn't say anything, but I felt like his hand had suddenly become so cold.
For a moment, I thought he was going to just let it go.
"Let's go eat something," he said as he grabbed my hand.
"But I'm not very hungry right now, Seishirou-san," I said in an embarrassed tone. "Let's go somewhere quiet."
He then nodded his head as he warmly squeezed my hand. "Walk straight, but not stiffly."
"Oh," I said understandingly as I followed behind him.
We found ourselves in a playground with a bench that most mothers would use to watch their children playing around the sandy area.
Well, it was what I had always imagined. I sat on the bench with my hands folded on top of one another nervously while looking at the pavement. Seishirou stood next to me, while leaning on a tree. He took out his cigarette from his jacket and began to light it.
"You shouldn't smoke," I said without hesitation.
Even I was surprised by this forwardness overwhelming me.
Then, I turned my head to watch him as his eyes gazed over the playground before us. My thoughts were lost on what to say to him until I found myself saying, "Hokuto-chan threw sand in my eyes once and then we had a fight. We threw sand at each other until our grandmother got so mad at us for getting ourselves dirty."
He laughed as he puffed on his cigarette.
"But it was fun," I laughed as I looked at the non-existent kids Hokuto and I used to be. I smiled at him, but then, I frowned as I looked away from him.
Embarrassed, I also told him, "When I got older, I used to watch other children behind trees. I was too shy, and that was always my excuse. But no one could really understand a kid fascinated by seeing a mother and child together.
"Mother, Hokuto, and I were never in the same room because she died when I was little. They say I have my mother's gentleness, but Hokuto had the half of her that would stop at nothing when she needed to achieve her goal."
It was then that Seishirou dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his shoe. He sat next to me. At that moment, in the silence, he pulled my shoulder. I found my head resting on his shoulder while looking at him with a blushed confusion.
But I didn't want to tear myself away.
In a way, it was comfortable…
…yet the nagging feeling of danger was overwhelming this latent sense of security.
"You know what?" he asked me as he stared at the playground before me, "I used to hide behind trees too."
"Why would you do that, Seishirou-san?" I inquired with puzzlement all over my tone.
He smiled as he said, "I used to watch someone behind a tree."
"Who?"
A sharp chill of a knife's edge was invisibly being pointed into my neck. And yet, I wanted to know.
"My hatsu no koi," he said as he chuckled to himself.
His first love…
Ah, of course…
There would be someone besides me…
"What was she like?" I found myself blurting out, cursing myself for these tendencies that no doubt were Hokuto's influence upon me.
In a low voice, he half-answered, "What makes you so sure it is a girl…"
Seishirou then turned to me and patted my head as he grinned while changing the subject, "How should I train you?"
With that, he just got up as I stood next to him, disappointed that he would not reveal his inner thoughts to me.
That was something that always bothered me.
I stood there with my hands folded and my eyes blinking at him.
"You've got the innocent look down pat." He laughed as he took my arm and we began to walk.
I walked with my back straight as he had told me, but it was hard to do so while being so close to him without feeling more embarrassed than I already was.
"You need to relax, Subaru-kun," he told me as we found ourselves in front of karaoke bar.
"How is this going to help me?" I looked up the sign before us, forgetting that I was still holding onto him.
"You need to learn to be both fun, yet reserved." He winked at me. "Be Hokuto and yourself at the same time?"
I shook my head. "Thinking like her makes me dizzy."
Seishirou pulled me and we got a booth in one distant corner. As we sat down, I looked at the well-decorated room. It had stars all over it because it had a space theme.
Well, maybe these are the things I miss when I'm at work? Not that I enjoyed them immensely. Like that other time. I blushed a bit as I thought about Seishirou wrapping his arms around me from that time.
It also made me think of what kinds of places Hokuto went to when she went on dates.
I laughed to myself as I found myself looking at Seishirou flipping around for a song to sing.
"What so funny?" he said as he smiled back at me. Then, like an eager teenage boy with a nervous date, he asked a silly question. "Is my plan working already?"
I closed my eyes as I smirked at him. "I was thinking of the time that Hokuto's date once mistook me for her. And they were supposed to go to a karaoke bar."
"Ah…" he said as he gave me a sideways glance. Then, he pressed his cheek against mine in a cute manner. "What do you think of this song, Subaru-kun?"
No doubt my internal temperature rose to about a hundred degrees in less than a split-second.
"You know I'm not good at singing. I just wanted to hear you sing," I told him as I blinked at him with my gloves making fists on my lap.
"That's no fun," he told me as he put a book into my lap. "Either pick one song or I'll put it on random."
Eep.
I pretended to look for a song.
I had no choice.
At that moment, he pressed in the numbers for his first song. Then, he got up as he cleared his throat. Like the dork he could be, his eyes closed as he smiled at me. Opening his eyes again, he took up the microphone.
Then, he began to sing 'Infatuation',
"My tired heart has had it fill of sadness,
and I don't think I can drink any more blood.
And when this day came,
I thought I was going to die...
Don't know why
Taking all the pain and swallowing.
Don't know why
I love you so much it hurts!
This isn't Infatuation.
Just say that you need me.
You think it's too much
then tell me and I'll stop,
That is Infatuation.
Tell me that you want me
And I won't ask for anything else.
I promise.
There are too many lovers,
You can say 'I love you' to anybody,
but when I said it to you,
I knew it was different.
Thought it was the same my way.
Don't know what
love is really, but I'm understanding.
Don't know how
to show it without being too passionate.
Infatuation
is when your heart doesn't stop beating
so fast that you think you won't survive.
Want to be with you always, no that's not it.
Infatuation
isn't the kind of idea I want,
that is just a feeling.
I want the real thing.
(whisper) You think I ask too much
Then just push me away...
I don't want just your heart
I don't want just your mind,
I don't want just your soul.
I want everything.
This isn't Infatuation.
Just say that you need me.
You think it's too much
then tell me and I'll stop,
That is Infatuation.
Tell me that you want me
And I won't ask for anything else.
I promise.
Infatuation (it's just an intense concept)
is when your heart doesn't stop (an illusion in the least)
beating so fast that you think you'd die, (that's if I lose you)
Infatuation (It's just a frame of mind)
isn't the kind of love I want, (it's just fake)
that is just a feeling. (I don't want a part.)
I want the real thing. (I want all of you.)"
For a finish, he whispered in the end, "Show me."
I clapped for him as he seriously looked at me. I didn't know what to really say…
"Time's up," he teased with a smile.
"Chotto!" I laughed as he took the book from me. "I still have to pick a song."
"Random mode!" he announced while pressing something on the box.
I got up with a frown as I looked at him with a pout. Then, I saw my reflection at the window.
That young woman that resembled Hokuto-chan…
And wasn't me at all, stared back at me.
I got more self-conscious as both I held onto the microphone with both of my hands.
A young girl with a beautiful kimono.
The gloves were totally out of place.
The screen finally chose a song called "Crazy". Fortunately, it was familiar. Only because it was one of Hokuto-chan's favorites.
I blinked at the screen.
Someone was making fun of me.
But Seishirou didn't tease me. He blinked at me in reserved manner as the up-beat song came on. Because she had played this song many times before, I found myself singing the song with ease…
"Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this
I know the sign
I'm on your mind
I know what you're looking for
But step by step
Deep in your net
That my heart won't remember
You are dangerous
Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this
You know the sign
You've lost your mind
(When) you don't care what people will say
And step by step
Caught in your web
I'm trying to remember
That you are dangerous
I know the sign
I'm on your mind
I know what you're looking for
But step by step
(So) deep in your net
That my heart won't remember
That you are dangerous
Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this."
I finished as I stared at the screen, at the microphone, and then at Seishirou-san.
Maybe it wasn't coincidence that sang this song to him…
"Has it made you crazy?" he asked me as I found myself stepping backwards away from him.
"Maybe," I honestly answered as we looked at each other while the screen played the next song that he had selected. Shinya's "Kimi ni" began to play:
"While the rain was pouring, I thought of you.
You were whispering to me.
I looked around and you disappeared,
But I still can hear your voice.
'Why did you do it? What were you thinking?'
I told the boy when he asked me,
'I'll never come again.'
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we ever fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'…"
"You don't want me here, don't you?" he finally asked me.
"While we were in the hotel room…" I asked him, "What would you have done if I told you to go away and never bother me again, Seishirou-san?"
Without blinking, he answered without hesitation, "I would leave."
My heart fell as I felt a look of disappointment encompass my face.
I knew it. I don't blame you…
You wouldn't fight for-
"And I would come back over and over until you accept me again," he finished.
"Why are you so persistent?" I asked, trying to put these two concepts of him trying to be with me while I pushed him away because of my own insecurities towards people and myself. "You'd have an easier time being in love with someone else."
Someone who is 'normal'…
…but I was too much of a coward to express this thought to him.
"I'll keep on watching from behind that tree." He said as he got up. "Like always."
I took a deep breath as the words pierced inside of my heart. And I realized their true intent.
It was then that he left me watching as he closed the door behind him as 'Kimi ni' finished with,
"You never looked back at me again.
It's this world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to where we come from.
Pushing through the crowd of people,
You knew what I was saying,
'It's easier to kill yourself
than for me to tell you what I did.'
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)
Everywhere you look
They'll tell you sweet lies.
(See through mine.)
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)"
Tsuzuku…/To be continued…
--
Author's note: I know this is a weird chapter, but I've been trying to take their relationship from a different perspective. I want to capture the feel of Subaru being more vulnerable, because in the manga, you see what's going on, but only have glimpses of how he thought about many things pertaining to himself.
Also, I'm trying to capture the feel of Seishirou being truly sincere, yet acting as he does towards Subaru. This will be quite hard for me since I sincerely think he loves Subaru.
Hatsu no kai – first love
Shigoto – job
Kimi ni – to you.
Calendar Boy
By miyamoto yui
Part 4 – Being close, being pushed away.
I found myself saying to his ear, "I want you here."
That's all I could say. It couldn't even begin to explain all the things that were running through my head.
I wasn't scared about being rejected, for these things have been a part of my life. I was scared that he would also push himself away from me, even if he was right in front to me.
I didn't know how to explain it. It was not about him leaving, but about him being 'cursed' if I loved him.
I would hurt him too…
Of all things, right now, I didn't want that to happen.
He looked back at me with a serious face as he patted my hand, "Let's go out."
"B-but, it's almost twelve o'clock," I protested as I found myself standing up with him already letting my hand go. While going to the bathroom, he shook his head, "Change into that kimono and let me know when I can come back out."
I began to say, "You don't have to-"
'Click' went the bathroom door.
So, there I was going to the closet and taking out Hokuto's bag. I unfolded the kimono within my hands and started to take off my clothing.
[ *winces * * blush * "I feel like such a voyeur." * continues to drool *]
Then, I put on the kimono while pulling on the sleeves and wrapping the sash around my waist. I blushed as I looked around me to see if I had put it on correctly.
"I'm finished," I called to Seishirou as I stood in front of the mirror looking at myself not really knowing what to say or do.
I was going to just trust him on whatever he was planning to do.
When he came out, I said to him, "I don't know how to put the sash. Do you think I should ask Hokuto-chan to put the obi on?"
He shook his head as he came up to me and pulled on my kimono and wrapped the sash carefully around my waist. "This will have to do. We don't have time for that right now."
"Don't have time…?" I asked in a confused tone as he wrapped his arms around me while I pulled on my sleeves and blushed at his solemn face.
I couldn't read if he was still trying to avoid looking at me or if he was planning something.
"We're going out," he said as soon as he tied the sash. "If you're going to learn to act like a woman, then you'll have to have a practice run."
"Shouldn't I ask Hokuto-chan about this?" I asked shyly as he went into the closet and took out his bag. He took out a black jacket to compliment the black tie and white long-sleeved shirt he had on.
He pulled on his jacket as he looked at me. He didn't say anything as he gestured for me to sit on the bed. He took out something else from another bag of Hokuto's. Then, he pulled my chin gently as he put lipstick on my lips.
I blushed more as he pulled out a napkin and I did what Hokuto did whenever she put on makeup.
At that, he got up and put on his shoes again while I was told to put on the slippers that would clack wherever I went. I didn't question it though.
If he was going to go through all this effort me, I had to at least be grateful for it.
When we left the hotel, I was to fold my hands over one another as we walked around. Seishirou asked me, "So, where do you want to go?"
"I don't usually go out this late unless it's for a shigoto, Seishirou-san," I honestly replied, seeing how much of a child I was next to him.
I looked at his profile while his amber eyes shined in front of me with mystery and foreboding. There was a danger to this mood that I wasn't accustomed to. Seishirou was too stern, and it seemed very strange for me to see him so flustered this way.
I found myself reaching out to his hand even if I was super conscious about my own, especially since I had just told him what my gloves meant to him. "Seishirou-san?"
He seemed kind of lost as he looked around him, trying to find somewhere to go.
"Stop thinking about what I told you," I comforted.
He glanced back at me and then looked away.
"It's not like it's your fault," I tried to tell him while squeezing his hand.
At that, he didn't say anything, but I felt like his hand had suddenly become so cold.
For a moment, I thought he was going to just let it go.
"Let's go eat something," he said as he grabbed my hand.
"But I'm not very hungry right now, Seishirou-san," I said in an embarrassed tone. "Let's go somewhere quiet."
He then nodded his head as he warmly squeezed my hand. "Walk straight, but not stiffly."
"Oh," I said understandingly as I followed behind him.
We found ourselves in a playground with a bench that most mothers would use to watch their children playing around the sandy area.
Well, it was what I had always imagined. I sat on the bench with my hands folded on top of one another nervously while looking at the pavement. Seishirou stood next to me, while leaning on a tree. He took out his cigarette from his jacket and began to light it.
"You shouldn't smoke," I said without hesitation.
Even I was surprised by this forwardness overwhelming me.
Then, I turned my head to watch him as his eyes gazed over the playground before us. My thoughts were lost on what to say to him until I found myself saying, "Hokuto-chan threw sand in my eyes once and then we had a fight. We threw sand at each other until our grandmother got so mad at us for getting ourselves dirty."
He laughed as he puffed on his cigarette.
"But it was fun," I laughed as I looked at the non-existent kids Hokuto and I used to be. I smiled at him, but then, I frowned as I looked away from him.
Embarrassed, I also told him, "When I got older, I used to watch other children behind trees. I was too shy, and that was always my excuse. But no one could really understand a kid fascinated by seeing a mother and child together.
"Mother, Hokuto, and I were never in the same room because she died when I was little. They say I have my mother's gentleness, but Hokuto had the half of her that would stop at nothing when she needed to achieve her goal."
It was then that Seishirou dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his shoe. He sat next to me. At that moment, in the silence, he pulled my shoulder. I found my head resting on his shoulder while looking at him with a blushed confusion.
But I didn't want to tear myself away.
In a way, it was comfortable…
…yet the nagging feeling of danger was overwhelming this latent sense of security.
"You know what?" he asked me as he stared at the playground before me, "I used to hide behind trees too."
"Why would you do that, Seishirou-san?" I inquired with puzzlement all over my tone.
He smiled as he said, "I used to watch someone behind a tree."
"Who?"
A sharp chill of a knife's edge was invisibly being pointed into my neck. And yet, I wanted to know.
"My hatsu no koi," he said as he chuckled to himself.
His first love…
Ah, of course…
There would be someone besides me…
"What was she like?" I found myself blurting out, cursing myself for these tendencies that no doubt were Hokuto's influence upon me.
In a low voice, he half-answered, "What makes you so sure it is a girl…"
Seishirou then turned to me and patted my head as he grinned while changing the subject, "How should I train you?"
With that, he just got up as I stood next to him, disappointed that he would not reveal his inner thoughts to me.
That was something that always bothered me.
I stood there with my hands folded and my eyes blinking at him.
"You've got the innocent look down pat." He laughed as he took my arm and we began to walk.
I walked with my back straight as he had told me, but it was hard to do so while being so close to him without feeling more embarrassed than I already was.
"You need to relax, Subaru-kun," he told me as we found ourselves in front of karaoke bar.
"How is this going to help me?" I looked up the sign before us, forgetting that I was still holding onto him.
"You need to learn to be both fun, yet reserved." He winked at me. "Be Hokuto and yourself at the same time?"
I shook my head. "Thinking like her makes me dizzy."
Seishirou pulled me and we got a booth in one distant corner. As we sat down, I looked at the well-decorated room. It had stars all over it because it had a space theme.
Well, maybe these are the things I miss when I'm at work? Not that I enjoyed them immensely. Like that other time. I blushed a bit as I thought about Seishirou wrapping his arms around me from that time.
It also made me think of what kinds of places Hokuto went to when she went on dates.
I laughed to myself as I found myself looking at Seishirou flipping around for a song to sing.
"What so funny?" he said as he smiled back at me. Then, like an eager teenage boy with a nervous date, he asked a silly question. "Is my plan working already?"
I closed my eyes as I smirked at him. "I was thinking of the time that Hokuto's date once mistook me for her. And they were supposed to go to a karaoke bar."
"Ah…" he said as he gave me a sideways glance. Then, he pressed his cheek against mine in a cute manner. "What do you think of this song, Subaru-kun?"
No doubt my internal temperature rose to about a hundred degrees in less than a split-second.
"You know I'm not good at singing. I just wanted to hear you sing," I told him as I blinked at him with my gloves making fists on my lap.
"That's no fun," he told me as he put a book into my lap. "Either pick one song or I'll put it on random."
Eep.
I pretended to look for a song.
I had no choice.
At that moment, he pressed in the numbers for his first song. Then, he got up as he cleared his throat. Like the dork he could be, his eyes closed as he smiled at me. Opening his eyes again, he took up the microphone.
Then, he began to sing 'Infatuation',
"My tired heart has had it fill of sadness,
and I don't think I can drink any more blood.
And when this day came,
I thought I was going to die...
Don't know why
Taking all the pain and swallowing.
Don't know why
I love you so much it hurts!
This isn't Infatuation.
Just say that you need me.
You think it's too much
then tell me and I'll stop,
That is Infatuation.
Tell me that you want me
And I won't ask for anything else.
I promise.
There are too many lovers,
You can say 'I love you' to anybody,
but when I said it to you,
I knew it was different.
Thought it was the same my way.
Don't know what
love is really, but I'm understanding.
Don't know how
to show it without being too passionate.
Infatuation
is when your heart doesn't stop beating
so fast that you think you won't survive.
Want to be with you always, no that's not it.
Infatuation
isn't the kind of idea I want,
that is just a feeling.
I want the real thing.
(whisper) You think I ask too much
Then just push me away...
I don't want just your heart
I don't want just your mind,
I don't want just your soul.
I want everything.
This isn't Infatuation.
Just say that you need me.
You think it's too much
then tell me and I'll stop,
That is Infatuation.
Tell me that you want me
And I won't ask for anything else.
I promise.
Infatuation (it's just an intense concept)
is when your heart doesn't stop (an illusion in the least)
beating so fast that you think you'd die, (that's if I lose you)
Infatuation (It's just a frame of mind)
isn't the kind of love I want, (it's just fake)
that is just a feeling. (I don't want a part.)
I want the real thing. (I want all of you.)"
For a finish, he whispered in the end, "Show me."
I clapped for him as he seriously looked at me. I didn't know what to really say…
"Time's up," he teased with a smile.
"Chotto!" I laughed as he took the book from me. "I still have to pick a song."
"Random mode!" he announced while pressing something on the box.
I got up with a frown as I looked at him with a pout. Then, I saw my reflection at the window.
That young woman that resembled Hokuto-chan…
And wasn't me at all, stared back at me.
I got more self-conscious as both I held onto the microphone with both of my hands.
A young girl with a beautiful kimono.
The gloves were totally out of place.
The screen finally chose a song called "Crazy". Fortunately, it was familiar. Only because it was one of Hokuto-chan's favorites.
I blinked at the screen.
Someone was making fun of me.
But Seishirou didn't tease me. He blinked at me in reserved manner as the up-beat song came on. Because she had played this song many times before, I found myself singing the song with ease…
"Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this
I know the sign
I'm on your mind
I know what you're looking for
But step by step
Deep in your net
That my heart won't remember
You are dangerous
Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this
You know the sign
You've lost your mind
(When) you don't care what people will say
And step by step
Caught in your web
I'm trying to remember
That you are dangerous
I know the sign
I'm on your mind
I know what you're looking for
But step by step
(So) deep in your net
That my heart won't remember
That you are dangerous
Love has got me crazy
So in love I can't see
Your love is no good for me.
Love has got me dizzy
So in love I can't see
That I don't have time
I don't have time for this."
I finished as I stared at the screen, at the microphone, and then at Seishirou-san.
Maybe it wasn't coincidence that sang this song to him…
"Has it made you crazy?" he asked me as I found myself stepping backwards away from him.
"Maybe," I honestly answered as we looked at each other while the screen played the next song that he had selected. Shinya's "Kimi ni" began to play:
"While the rain was pouring, I thought of you.
You were whispering to me.
I looked around and you disappeared,
But I still can hear your voice.
'Why did you do it? What were you thinking?'
I told the boy when he asked me,
'I'll never come again.'
Never looking back at him,
It's a world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to reality.
Pushing the crowd of people,
I knew what you were wondering,
'Why did we ever fall for one another
when it was destined to fall apart?'…"
"You don't want me here, don't you?" he finally asked me.
"While we were in the hotel room…" I asked him, "What would you have done if I told you to go away and never bother me again, Seishirou-san?"
Without blinking, he answered without hesitation, "I would leave."
My heart fell as I felt a look of disappointment encompass my face.
I knew it. I don't blame you…
You wouldn't fight for-
"And I would come back over and over until you accept me again," he finished.
"Why are you so persistent?" I asked, trying to put these two concepts of him trying to be with me while I pushed him away because of my own insecurities towards people and myself. "You'd have an easier time being in love with someone else."
Someone who is 'normal'…
…but I was too much of a coward to express this thought to him.
"I'll keep on watching from behind that tree." He said as he got up. "Like always."
I took a deep breath as the words pierced inside of my heart. And I realized their true intent.
It was then that he left me watching as he closed the door behind him as 'Kimi ni' finished with,
"You never looked back at me again.
It's this world that has separated us,
We've got to go back to where we come from.
Pushing through the crowd of people,
You knew what I was saying,
'It's easier to kill yourself
than for me to tell you what I did.'
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)
Everywhere you look
They'll tell you sweet lies.
(See through mine.)
Don't believe
In what you see.
(We've got to go back to reality.)"
Tsuzuku…/To be continued…
--
Author's note: I know this is a weird chapter, but I've been trying to take their relationship from a different perspective. I want to capture the feel of Subaru being more vulnerable, because in the manga, you see what's going on, but only have glimpses of how he thought about many things pertaining to himself.
Also, I'm trying to capture the feel of Seishirou being truly sincere, yet acting as he does towards Subaru. This will be quite hard for me since I sincerely think he loves Subaru.
Hatsu no kai – first love
Shigoto – job
Kimi ni – to you.