Chapter 6: Booze Hounds
A/N: Welcome back, Its Jasmine, aka Admiral J, aka Jaye aka [my real name goes here]. Well I'm ready for another wholehearted episode of wild and crazy Harry Potter characters, saying random shit. Are you? Yes folks! The title says it all..See how they act, and see the crazy things they do..whilst severely intoxicated. Now its time for everybody's favorite part of the fanfictions!!! THE DISCLAIMER!
Jaye: OH YEA, and I'll be on vacation from the 17th to the 26th so chapter 7 will not be up until I come back! I will answer your review requests in chappie 7 since I wrote this one in advance. Now we'll hear a word from.THE DISCLAMIER!!!
The Disclaimer: Hi I am the disclaimer, I don't have a purpose in this fiction, but for the sake of the author not wanting to be sued, I must very well say that she does not own the Harry Potter Characters, but the randomness is all hers. Now sit back and enjoy the show, and remember to turn your cell phones on vibrate, and the consession stand will be open during the show at all times..
Hermione: Shut up! We are NOT in a movie theatre! And why does the disclaimer get a role in the fic?
Jaye: Because I said so.
Hermione: Oh..Okay. So lets get this show on the road. Here are the statistics of the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit; trapped in the dorms:
Dead: Molly, Lockhart, Lavender, Hagrid
Eliminated: Harry
Alive:Me(Hermione), Mcgonagall, Snape, James Potter, Lupin, A Dementor, Draco, Sirius and Dumbly.
Dickless: The most feared; Lord Voldemort ~*~**~*~*~**~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~
And here is the OFFICAL start of Chappie 6!
[All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit are awakening from their sleep, as the sun is rising in the night sky..erm I mean morning sky. Voldie however is still wincing in pain calling a help hotline from a muggle phone, to see if there is anyway to re-attach his missing pubic region. Poor Voldie.
All of a sudden Draco barges into the Hufflepuff dorms from the outside door, Sirius at his heels, Sirius was carrying massive boxes of some sort of ...stuff.
Jaye: DRACO KATHERINE MALFOY!
Draco: I told you in the other chapter, my middle name is NOT Katherine!
Jaye: Black, get over here, what are you holding!?
Sirius: Booze, dear Jaye, its Booze and lots of it.
Jaye: Draco! Were you in on this!?!
Draco: No I'm serious,
Sirius: Actually...
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: SHUT UP, BLACK! Damn that's so old!
The Disclaimer: Actually it was my idea. I made Draco here a chicken pot pie, with laxitives in it, which made him want to take a dump really bad.
Draco: Gee thanks bitch. **Gives disclaimer the middle finger**I had cronic diarreah!
Jaye: You **COULD HAVE** used the Hufflepuff Dorm bathroom.[Draco blushes]
Remmie: Booze!!!!! Good one Siri! How much booze!?!
Sirius: Beer! Firewhisky! Champagne! Wine! And I got some Martinis! And Wine Coolers!
McGonagall: Boybands!!! Heheheheheh tee hee boybands! I am in one!
Voldie: Shagadellic baby! Rock on! I went to see you in concert, you are one hot mama!
Jaye: How **did** you get out of the dorm, Sirius?
Sirius: I can posses people.[snickers]
Jaye: You possesed me? Bastard! I'll make sure that wont happen again.
Sirius: VINNIE!!!! CATTLE NAMED VINNIE!!!
Snape: Start making this exciting Jaye, before we all drop dead from boredom!
Dumledore: I'm a high speed fashion diva! **winks**
Voldie: Oh Baby, Be-have!
Sirius: Well what are we waiting for, lets drink some of this alclohol!
Hermione reaches over and grabs a large bottle of firewhisky and a wine cooler, and beings to start drinking them rather quickly.
James: 'Mione, isnt that rather much, snuckums?
Hermione: PISS OFF, TONY THE TIGER! I DON'T NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT FROM YOU, HOME DAWG.
James: SiRiUS! You got her drunK!
Sirius reaches for champange.
Jaye: Where did you get that?
Sirius: I stole it from some married couple, who were having their wedding reception at a Ramada Inn.
Jaye: What???!!! Oooh but I'll have some all the same.
Dumbles is already on his 4nd beer and is now talking to a coat rack.
Dumbles: Well Mr.Trott, I am very familiar with egotistical koala bears, but I jus not sure I am ready to adopt one and bring into my happy home, right Georgie Bush?
Mcgonagall on the other hand, firmly refused to drink, saying it would only harm her masculine complextion. "I AM A MAN, A BURLY FOOTBALL JOCK!" she proclaimed loudly. Of course she didn't realize that Sirius, Remmie and Jaye had switched her "sparkling white grape juice" with white wine.
Mcgonagall: Now students I know your not all are awares that I am big tough and know how to kick around my stuff but I will whomp you all into little balls of orange pulp [breaks out into giggling fit]. Don't you all come messin with me, because I am ...[faints]
Hermione: Is she ..is she... is gonna be alright, Dracey-Wakey-Pakey-Boy? [she reached for another glass of firewhisky which she mixed with a beer to make an extra potent intoxicating potion] I only hopes that Gonni-gal is peachy keen.
Draco, who had controlled his drinking to only one glass of beer, had managed to slap Hermione, then get her another glass. Making a total of 10. She was now crashing into random walls, and hitting on all the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.
Hermione: Hey Severus-Leverus-Vevverus-Baby- Bunny- Poo-Poo!!! Lets make mad passionate love until we get arrested by the staff at Blockbuster Video!!!!!
Snape, who was casually drinking with the Dark Lord, discussing inapropriate websites, heard this, he was positivley revolted, and bitchslaped the girl, and continued his discussion with He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named.
Snape: Yes Yes...i've been to a few in my time. Good websites.
Remmie: I don't mean to ruin the fun, but how do you guys go on websites? We are wizards?
James: Ok, fine I'll be the one to ruin all the fun from now on, Go ahead Moony, enjoy, here take a whisky!
Voldie: Easy. We just break into the muggle houses and use their computers for inappropriate things, and sometimes we check out fanfiction.net
Snape: Do you know I found slash fic about myself and a large Nike duffle bag? I tell you, people have sick minds on there, but some are rather touching ----- I listen to Celin Dion!
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank stare]
Meanwhile Sirius, Remmie and Jaye were still drinking (casually, somewhat) and Draco came over to join. Hermione was now still procedeing to hit on the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.
Hermione: Hey hey there sexay Dementor, let us snog, shall we, you over larged gram cracker with polyester stuffing???!!!!
Dementor: Sorry, but my heart belongs to Sirius. [He/it looks at Sirius] Sirius...please, I do not beg much of you, only a token of affection. A drop of love to keep a heart yearning for more. A speck of light in my dark gloomy world. Oh Sirius, just say that you love me and I won't turn into Baby Spice and cause havoc in a historical museum?
Sirius: I may be drunk, but I'm not THAT stupid. NO NO NO dementor. You're just not "my type". There is no chemistry. I think we're better off as friends. I like you, but not in that way. I think you're a blood sucking leech with no friends. I am fond of the name Vinnie.
Jaye: And there you have it ladies and gents, all the ways most commonly used by teenagers scared to express their true emotions.
Jaye: Riiiight. 'Mione, how many beers have you had?
'Mione: 20!!!!! But thankssssss for asking Jason!
The Disclaimer: Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I turn on the soothing sounds of Motzart.
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]
Dumbledore: Okay Okay, Mr.Trott [still talking to the coat rack] I'll consider the boob job, but I don't think I have enough money for the liposuction. However if I eat cans of peanut butter with Smuckers lipgloss on I may be able to accomplish my goal!
Coat Rack: Sir..I believe you're a drunken bastard.
Dumbledore: No. No ways have I had much to drink. I swear to drunk I'm not God! Officers, I see little police officers in black framed eyeglasses!!!!! [throws up, then joins mcgonagall fainted on the floor]
Coat Rack: Hey, you [points to James] Get me a Martini!
James: Sorry, I ruin all the fun. Ask someone else.
Remmie, hearing the cry of the distressed coat rack, pours it a Martini. "Here you go, lad"
Coat Rack: Marry me?
Remmie: Okay! [A/N: Remmie, who had been very excited in actually HAVING fun, drunk 5 glasses of beer, and was dancing on the chess table, had no problems agreeing to marry a coat rack)
That Priest from Chapter 3: Good evening brothers and sisters in the Lord! May I ask that you all settle down as we witness the marriage of this fine couple. I erm...i see we have no problem bringing the beverages..
Hermione: Hello you pretty altar man you..[points to the priest] yes, you in those dashing robes! Lets forget the whole celebacy shit and come kiss me, tough guy!
That Priest from Chapter 3: Dear God on a mountain top! How many beers has that girl drank!?!?! Forgive these sinners, and I beg for your mercy, Lord. My goodness, why you are all helpless drunk bastards.
Sirius: Oooooooooh you said the B-word!
That Priest from Chapter 3: For Heavens sake, let us get this blessed sacrament started. [Halleluia Music plays in the background and the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit take a seat on the sides as Lupin and the Coat Rack walk down a magically conjured isle]
The Priest from Chapter 3: Our Saviour has not only promised us with fullfillment, but with everlasting love, like the love shared between Remus and this erm..coat rack? However God loves all his children, and sheperding us in his word.
Snape: I listen to Celin Dion Music!!!!!! [Smiles happily]
The Priest from Chapter 3: Blah blah blah (the author couldn't think of anything else to write) I now pronounce you..Man and Coat Rack!--- You may kiss the coat rack!
Lupin draws near to the coat rack and plants a big wet one on somebodys coat it was holding. Awe. It was a bittersweet moment.
The Priest from Chapter 3: Well Children of the Word, I must attend a Baby Shower for one of the Nuns at St. Mary's Cathedral, please do keep your drinking under control, and remember kids...What Would Jesus do? [priest leaves]
James: Moony! You asshole! You just MARRIED a coatrack!
Remmie: Heeheee, its hott.
Jaye: Okay Remmie, I'm going to make you faint now, so I don't have to write about romances with coat racks.
[Remmie faints]
Dementor: Sirius..please, marry me! Whenever I see your smiling face, smiling back at me, my knees shake, and i...i...get butterflies in my stomache, and it feels like my heart has wings and can soar over the world. Don't deny me of this love! Its not my fault I trade baseball cards with women named Miguel!
Voldie: NO way BABY! Me Too! Groovy!
Dementor: I THINK I"LL STRIP!!!!.This is for you Siri-Wiri-Luvvy-Duv!!!!!
Sirius: [Looks extremely disgusted]
Dementor starts playing disco music and dancing obsecenly, until he realized he had no flesh.
[Dementor faints at this realization because the author realized she had nothing better to do with him]
Snape: Ahem...Ahem..Thank you, thank you. There is somebody in this room who makes me feel special, so I wrote a little poem for him, Draco Malfoy, I'm sorry this is turning out slashy, but there are no girls left in this fic and hermione is one drunk bitch. So here Dracey-Wakey..for you my love.
You're the blinding light of my life, The annoying-ass sparkle in my eye. The molded sugar on my lips, And the tear when I cry. With out your endless love, The deserts would be dry. Yes..I realize they already are, But it just sounded nice. Now excuse me, fine lad, But I'm a greasy git with lice.
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Riiiiight. We definatley need another girl in here.
Ginny Weasley: HI GUYS! OOOHHH BOOZE! HAND ME ONE!
Voldie hands Ginny a drink. Voldie: You're looking Groovy baby! I havent seen you since the Chamber of Secrets, looking fab! You sure you don't want to shag with me, baby? I put the GRRRRRR in swinger!!!
Ginny: Hell no. Just give me the drink. Oooh hey 'Mione
Hermione: Oh hello Sandra Bullock! [waves at Ginny who looks confused] Ahahhaha come have a drink with me, hun! You were FABULOUSSSS in The Wedding Planner.
Snape: I LOVE that movie!..but 'Mione, your drunk, you must have had atleast 30 alcloholic drinks!
Hermione: Yeah Sev..[giggles uncontrollably] I don't feels so well.
[Hermione collapses]
Sirius: SHES DEAD! WHY?
Deep Mysterious Voice That Appears out of Nowhere: Because the author is a sadistic bitch!
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Aaaahhhh okay. [Return to their drinking]
James: Wahoo!!! 6 beers already, Padfoot!!! This is amazing! Screw this ruining the fun thing! Voldie, you're looking shagadellic! LETS SHAG BABY!
Jaye: That's perverted
James: Well **you** wrote it.
Jaye: Good point.
Voldie: Oh Behave! But on the other hand..Lets go!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, James Potter left the collected area of Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit to go shag with the man who killed himself and his wife. Um since this is sick, the extremely bored author is going to switch to some other topic, a little bit less disturbing.
Ginny: Hi Draco! I was reading a fanfiction about you and me earlier. Apparently I turn into a carrot named Beatrice.
Draco: Neat. Do I get to wear pantyhose and wear a Burger King Kids Meal bag on my head?
Ginny: Yes.of course. Pass the bubbly!
The wine is passed, and Ginny pours another cup.
Brad Pitt: [Waves]
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Wave]
Jaye: Oh its you again.
Brad Pitt: [Eats a stick of butter, plain.]
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Ew.
Brad Pitt: [Waves]
Brad Pitt: [Disapparates]
~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~ A Different Scene with a Different Point of View~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~
A/N: This takes place during the sixth year at Hogwarts, along with the rest of the story. Yes I know the dead are raised (Ex: Sirius and James) But you can use your imagination, they can either come back in their middleage forms, or they can be younger like they were in their school days. You decide. It doesn't matter much anyway. On with the story..
Meanwhile, 6th year Gryffindor Padma Patil was walking with her friend Hannah Abbot, who was also a sixth year, but in Hufflepuff. She was invited into the Hufflepuff dorms to study, and was delighted to be spending more time with her best friend Hannah.
The Disclaimer: HI GALS!
Hannah and Padma: Hi disclaimer! Wuts up! Now piss off!!!! Were goin to study!
Hannah: Okay.[she approached the portriat of some disgruntled elm tree and said the password] Stickopotomus! [And they entered]
Padma: Who are all these..these people!!! Ahh its He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Harry's Father! Ginny?..strange...
~*~**~*~*~*~ BACK TO THE REGULAR STUFF~*~*~*~**~
A/N: I wasn't very fond of writing in their point of view...too dull.
Sirius who had finally stopped drinking saw the two girls enter the room.
Sirius: OH HELLO!!! WELCOME!!!! [he thought to himself 'hehehehe its hunting season!' and he laughed evilly]
Sirius noted that conviently that the very sadistic author gave him a hunting rifle, and made him dress a riddiculus hunter orange vest and green cargo pants that said DIVA on the back.
Snape: Ooooh I have those in pink!!!! [smiles sweetly] I got them at JC Penny 25% off!!!!
Sirius: I"VE GOT THE URGE, TO HERBAL!!!!!!!
Molly Weasley:
Draco: WAIT I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD.
Jaye: Yeah she is, just bringing back memories. Sorry, buddy.
Sirius then got an evil gleam in his eye, and he stood up, and grabbed the rifle as he eyed the two confused girls huddled in a corner studing. Yes...they looked like fine prey. And "Hell" he thought "Maybe I'll get a reward of some cattle". So he counted to three, held his breath..then shot the girls.
Ginny: That was awful Sirius!!!!!!!
Sirius: What! What did I do?
Ginny:You Killed those girls!
Sirius: I did what???[he looks down at the rifle in his hands]SHIT. I guess I did. DAMNIT YOU STUPID AUTHOR.
Jaye: HAHAHA, sorry I felt like doing something evil. Sorry Siri!!!!
Sirius: Your forgiven. I hated them anyway. Hey..all...Lets pet some cattle! THEY HAVE NOSES.
Snape: Good! I have a better idea! Lets close this chapter, so the author can stop typing and do something even less important and worthwhile then this?
At this time Voldie and James return.
Draco: Oh good you're back. You missed a lot of sadistic shit.
James: Yes, but you missed a lot of gay slash. I very much so regret doing that with my murderer.
Jaye: Come on, Black and ermm...Ginny! Yes Ginny and Black! Do the closing of the chapter thing with me!
Ginny and Sirius: Okay.
Ginny: Next time our very own poetic potions master...SEVERUS SNAPE, will be mixing potions and giving them to each one of us, to make us different emotions.
Sirius: EMOTION POTIONS! Where all of our emotions are taken to the extreme, leaving room for more insanity and more randomness. And don't worry about Dumbles, Remmie and McGonagall (And Dementor, unfortunatley!!) They'll wake up in time for the next chapter! (Oh..and please someone get me out of here...prefably if your name is Vinnie!)
Jaye: And readers, don't forget to R&R. Keep lettin me know,who should go, and who should stay, and what other obsticals should get in their way! Oh yea and I am sorry about all james and voldie thing, I ran out of ideas, and female characters. Well I hope to hear from you!!!!!!!
Brad Pitt: [Waves]
A/N: Welcome back, Its Jasmine, aka Admiral J, aka Jaye aka [my real name goes here]. Well I'm ready for another wholehearted episode of wild and crazy Harry Potter characters, saying random shit. Are you? Yes folks! The title says it all..See how they act, and see the crazy things they do..whilst severely intoxicated. Now its time for everybody's favorite part of the fanfictions!!! THE DISCLAIMER!
Jaye: OH YEA, and I'll be on vacation from the 17th to the 26th so chapter 7 will not be up until I come back! I will answer your review requests in chappie 7 since I wrote this one in advance. Now we'll hear a word from.THE DISCLAMIER!!!
The Disclaimer: Hi I am the disclaimer, I don't have a purpose in this fiction, but for the sake of the author not wanting to be sued, I must very well say that she does not own the Harry Potter Characters, but the randomness is all hers. Now sit back and enjoy the show, and remember to turn your cell phones on vibrate, and the consession stand will be open during the show at all times..
Hermione: Shut up! We are NOT in a movie theatre! And why does the disclaimer get a role in the fic?
Jaye: Because I said so.
Hermione: Oh..Okay. So lets get this show on the road. Here are the statistics of the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit; trapped in the dorms:
Dead: Molly, Lockhart, Lavender, Hagrid
Eliminated: Harry
Alive:Me(Hermione), Mcgonagall, Snape, James Potter, Lupin, A Dementor, Draco, Sirius and Dumbly.
Dickless: The most feared; Lord Voldemort ~*~**~*~*~**~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~
And here is the OFFICAL start of Chappie 6!
[All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit are awakening from their sleep, as the sun is rising in the night sky..erm I mean morning sky. Voldie however is still wincing in pain calling a help hotline from a muggle phone, to see if there is anyway to re-attach his missing pubic region. Poor Voldie.
All of a sudden Draco barges into the Hufflepuff dorms from the outside door, Sirius at his heels, Sirius was carrying massive boxes of some sort of ...stuff.
Jaye: DRACO KATHERINE MALFOY!
Draco: I told you in the other chapter, my middle name is NOT Katherine!
Jaye: Black, get over here, what are you holding!?
Sirius: Booze, dear Jaye, its Booze and lots of it.
Jaye: Draco! Were you in on this!?!
Draco: No I'm serious,
Sirius: Actually...
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: SHUT UP, BLACK! Damn that's so old!
The Disclaimer: Actually it was my idea. I made Draco here a chicken pot pie, with laxitives in it, which made him want to take a dump really bad.
Draco: Gee thanks bitch. **Gives disclaimer the middle finger**I had cronic diarreah!
Jaye: You **COULD HAVE** used the Hufflepuff Dorm bathroom.[Draco blushes]
Remmie: Booze!!!!! Good one Siri! How much booze!?!
Sirius: Beer! Firewhisky! Champagne! Wine! And I got some Martinis! And Wine Coolers!
McGonagall: Boybands!!! Heheheheheh tee hee boybands! I am in one!
Voldie: Shagadellic baby! Rock on! I went to see you in concert, you are one hot mama!
Jaye: How **did** you get out of the dorm, Sirius?
Sirius: I can posses people.[snickers]
Jaye: You possesed me? Bastard! I'll make sure that wont happen again.
Sirius: VINNIE!!!! CATTLE NAMED VINNIE!!!
Snape: Start making this exciting Jaye, before we all drop dead from boredom!
Dumledore: I'm a high speed fashion diva! **winks**
Voldie: Oh Baby, Be-have!
Sirius: Well what are we waiting for, lets drink some of this alclohol!
Hermione reaches over and grabs a large bottle of firewhisky and a wine cooler, and beings to start drinking them rather quickly.
James: 'Mione, isnt that rather much, snuckums?
Hermione: PISS OFF, TONY THE TIGER! I DON'T NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT FROM YOU, HOME DAWG.
James: SiRiUS! You got her drunK!
Sirius reaches for champange.
Jaye: Where did you get that?
Sirius: I stole it from some married couple, who were having their wedding reception at a Ramada Inn.
Jaye: What???!!! Oooh but I'll have some all the same.
Dumbles is already on his 4nd beer and is now talking to a coat rack.
Dumbles: Well Mr.Trott, I am very familiar with egotistical koala bears, but I jus not sure I am ready to adopt one and bring into my happy home, right Georgie Bush?
Mcgonagall on the other hand, firmly refused to drink, saying it would only harm her masculine complextion. "I AM A MAN, A BURLY FOOTBALL JOCK!" she proclaimed loudly. Of course she didn't realize that Sirius, Remmie and Jaye had switched her "sparkling white grape juice" with white wine.
Mcgonagall: Now students I know your not all are awares that I am big tough and know how to kick around my stuff but I will whomp you all into little balls of orange pulp [breaks out into giggling fit]. Don't you all come messin with me, because I am ...[faints]
Hermione: Is she ..is she... is gonna be alright, Dracey-Wakey-Pakey-Boy? [she reached for another glass of firewhisky which she mixed with a beer to make an extra potent intoxicating potion] I only hopes that Gonni-gal is peachy keen.
Draco, who had controlled his drinking to only one glass of beer, had managed to slap Hermione, then get her another glass. Making a total of 10. She was now crashing into random walls, and hitting on all the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.
Hermione: Hey Severus-Leverus-Vevverus-Baby- Bunny- Poo-Poo!!! Lets make mad passionate love until we get arrested by the staff at Blockbuster Video!!!!!
Snape, who was casually drinking with the Dark Lord, discussing inapropriate websites, heard this, he was positivley revolted, and bitchslaped the girl, and continued his discussion with He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named.
Snape: Yes Yes...i've been to a few in my time. Good websites.
Remmie: I don't mean to ruin the fun, but how do you guys go on websites? We are wizards?
James: Ok, fine I'll be the one to ruin all the fun from now on, Go ahead Moony, enjoy, here take a whisky!
Voldie: Easy. We just break into the muggle houses and use their computers for inappropriate things, and sometimes we check out fanfiction.net
Snape: Do you know I found slash fic about myself and a large Nike duffle bag? I tell you, people have sick minds on there, but some are rather touching ----- I listen to Celin Dion!
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank stare]
Meanwhile Sirius, Remmie and Jaye were still drinking (casually, somewhat) and Draco came over to join. Hermione was now still procedeing to hit on the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.
Hermione: Hey hey there sexay Dementor, let us snog, shall we, you over larged gram cracker with polyester stuffing???!!!!
Dementor: Sorry, but my heart belongs to Sirius. [He/it looks at Sirius] Sirius...please, I do not beg much of you, only a token of affection. A drop of love to keep a heart yearning for more. A speck of light in my dark gloomy world. Oh Sirius, just say that you love me and I won't turn into Baby Spice and cause havoc in a historical museum?
Sirius: I may be drunk, but I'm not THAT stupid. NO NO NO dementor. You're just not "my type". There is no chemistry. I think we're better off as friends. I like you, but not in that way. I think you're a blood sucking leech with no friends. I am fond of the name Vinnie.
Jaye: And there you have it ladies and gents, all the ways most commonly used by teenagers scared to express their true emotions.
Jaye: Riiiight. 'Mione, how many beers have you had?
'Mione: 20!!!!! But thankssssss for asking Jason!
The Disclaimer: Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I turn on the soothing sounds of Motzart.
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]
Dumbledore: Okay Okay, Mr.Trott [still talking to the coat rack] I'll consider the boob job, but I don't think I have enough money for the liposuction. However if I eat cans of peanut butter with Smuckers lipgloss on I may be able to accomplish my goal!
Coat Rack: Sir..I believe you're a drunken bastard.
Dumbledore: No. No ways have I had much to drink. I swear to drunk I'm not God! Officers, I see little police officers in black framed eyeglasses!!!!! [throws up, then joins mcgonagall fainted on the floor]
Coat Rack: Hey, you [points to James] Get me a Martini!
James: Sorry, I ruin all the fun. Ask someone else.
Remmie, hearing the cry of the distressed coat rack, pours it a Martini. "Here you go, lad"
Coat Rack: Marry me?
Remmie: Okay! [A/N: Remmie, who had been very excited in actually HAVING fun, drunk 5 glasses of beer, and was dancing on the chess table, had no problems agreeing to marry a coat rack)
That Priest from Chapter 3: Good evening brothers and sisters in the Lord! May I ask that you all settle down as we witness the marriage of this fine couple. I erm...i see we have no problem bringing the beverages..
Hermione: Hello you pretty altar man you..[points to the priest] yes, you in those dashing robes! Lets forget the whole celebacy shit and come kiss me, tough guy!
That Priest from Chapter 3: Dear God on a mountain top! How many beers has that girl drank!?!?! Forgive these sinners, and I beg for your mercy, Lord. My goodness, why you are all helpless drunk bastards.
Sirius: Oooooooooh you said the B-word!
That Priest from Chapter 3: For Heavens sake, let us get this blessed sacrament started. [Halleluia Music plays in the background and the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit take a seat on the sides as Lupin and the Coat Rack walk down a magically conjured isle]
The Priest from Chapter 3: Our Saviour has not only promised us with fullfillment, but with everlasting love, like the love shared between Remus and this erm..coat rack? However God loves all his children, and sheperding us in his word.
Snape: I listen to Celin Dion Music!!!!!! [Smiles happily]
The Priest from Chapter 3: Blah blah blah (the author couldn't think of anything else to write) I now pronounce you..Man and Coat Rack!--- You may kiss the coat rack!
Lupin draws near to the coat rack and plants a big wet one on somebodys coat it was holding. Awe. It was a bittersweet moment.
The Priest from Chapter 3: Well Children of the Word, I must attend a Baby Shower for one of the Nuns at St. Mary's Cathedral, please do keep your drinking under control, and remember kids...What Would Jesus do? [priest leaves]
James: Moony! You asshole! You just MARRIED a coatrack!
Remmie: Heeheee, its hott.
Jaye: Okay Remmie, I'm going to make you faint now, so I don't have to write about romances with coat racks.
[Remmie faints]
Dementor: Sirius..please, marry me! Whenever I see your smiling face, smiling back at me, my knees shake, and i...i...get butterflies in my stomache, and it feels like my heart has wings and can soar over the world. Don't deny me of this love! Its not my fault I trade baseball cards with women named Miguel!
Voldie: NO way BABY! Me Too! Groovy!
Dementor: I THINK I"LL STRIP!!!!.This is for you Siri-Wiri-Luvvy-Duv!!!!!
Sirius: [Looks extremely disgusted]
Dementor starts playing disco music and dancing obsecenly, until he realized he had no flesh.
[Dementor faints at this realization because the author realized she had nothing better to do with him]
Snape: Ahem...Ahem..Thank you, thank you. There is somebody in this room who makes me feel special, so I wrote a little poem for him, Draco Malfoy, I'm sorry this is turning out slashy, but there are no girls left in this fic and hermione is one drunk bitch. So here Dracey-Wakey..for you my love.
You're the blinding light of my life, The annoying-ass sparkle in my eye. The molded sugar on my lips, And the tear when I cry. With out your endless love, The deserts would be dry. Yes..I realize they already are, But it just sounded nice. Now excuse me, fine lad, But I'm a greasy git with lice.
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Riiiiight. We definatley need another girl in here.
Ginny Weasley: HI GUYS! OOOHHH BOOZE! HAND ME ONE!
Voldie hands Ginny a drink. Voldie: You're looking Groovy baby! I havent seen you since the Chamber of Secrets, looking fab! You sure you don't want to shag with me, baby? I put the GRRRRRR in swinger!!!
Ginny: Hell no. Just give me the drink. Oooh hey 'Mione
Hermione: Oh hello Sandra Bullock! [waves at Ginny who looks confused] Ahahhaha come have a drink with me, hun! You were FABULOUSSSS in The Wedding Planner.
Snape: I LOVE that movie!..but 'Mione, your drunk, you must have had atleast 30 alcloholic drinks!
Hermione: Yeah Sev..[giggles uncontrollably] I don't feels so well.
[Hermione collapses]
Sirius: SHES DEAD! WHY?
Deep Mysterious Voice That Appears out of Nowhere: Because the author is a sadistic bitch!
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Aaaahhhh okay. [Return to their drinking]
James: Wahoo!!! 6 beers already, Padfoot!!! This is amazing! Screw this ruining the fun thing! Voldie, you're looking shagadellic! LETS SHAG BABY!
Jaye: That's perverted
James: Well **you** wrote it.
Jaye: Good point.
Voldie: Oh Behave! But on the other hand..Lets go!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, James Potter left the collected area of Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit to go shag with the man who killed himself and his wife. Um since this is sick, the extremely bored author is going to switch to some other topic, a little bit less disturbing.
Ginny: Hi Draco! I was reading a fanfiction about you and me earlier. Apparently I turn into a carrot named Beatrice.
Draco: Neat. Do I get to wear pantyhose and wear a Burger King Kids Meal bag on my head?
Ginny: Yes.of course. Pass the bubbly!
The wine is passed, and Ginny pours another cup.
Brad Pitt: [Waves]
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Wave]
Jaye: Oh its you again.
Brad Pitt: [Eats a stick of butter, plain.]
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Ew.
Brad Pitt: [Waves]
Brad Pitt: [Disapparates]
~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~ A Different Scene with a Different Point of View~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~
A/N: This takes place during the sixth year at Hogwarts, along with the rest of the story. Yes I know the dead are raised (Ex: Sirius and James) But you can use your imagination, they can either come back in their middleage forms, or they can be younger like they were in their school days. You decide. It doesn't matter much anyway. On with the story..
Meanwhile, 6th year Gryffindor Padma Patil was walking with her friend Hannah Abbot, who was also a sixth year, but in Hufflepuff. She was invited into the Hufflepuff dorms to study, and was delighted to be spending more time with her best friend Hannah.
The Disclaimer: HI GALS!
Hannah and Padma: Hi disclaimer! Wuts up! Now piss off!!!! Were goin to study!
Hannah: Okay.[she approached the portriat of some disgruntled elm tree and said the password] Stickopotomus! [And they entered]
Padma: Who are all these..these people!!! Ahh its He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Harry's Father! Ginny?..strange...
~*~**~*~*~*~ BACK TO THE REGULAR STUFF~*~*~*~**~
A/N: I wasn't very fond of writing in their point of view...too dull.
Sirius who had finally stopped drinking saw the two girls enter the room.
Sirius: OH HELLO!!! WELCOME!!!! [he thought to himself 'hehehehe its hunting season!' and he laughed evilly]
Sirius noted that conviently that the very sadistic author gave him a hunting rifle, and made him dress a riddiculus hunter orange vest and green cargo pants that said DIVA on the back.
Snape: Ooooh I have those in pink!!!! [smiles sweetly] I got them at JC Penny 25% off!!!!
Sirius: I"VE GOT THE URGE, TO HERBAL!!!!!!!
Molly Weasley:
Draco: WAIT I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD.
Jaye: Yeah she is, just bringing back memories. Sorry, buddy.
Sirius then got an evil gleam in his eye, and he stood up, and grabbed the rifle as he eyed the two confused girls huddled in a corner studing. Yes...they looked like fine prey. And "Hell" he thought "Maybe I'll get a reward of some cattle". So he counted to three, held his breath..then shot the girls.
Ginny: That was awful Sirius!!!!!!!
Sirius: What! What did I do?
Ginny:You Killed those girls!
Sirius: I did what???[he looks down at the rifle in his hands]SHIT. I guess I did. DAMNIT YOU STUPID AUTHOR.
Jaye: HAHAHA, sorry I felt like doing something evil. Sorry Siri!!!!
Sirius: Your forgiven. I hated them anyway. Hey..all...Lets pet some cattle! THEY HAVE NOSES.
Snape: Good! I have a better idea! Lets close this chapter, so the author can stop typing and do something even less important and worthwhile then this?
At this time Voldie and James return.
Draco: Oh good you're back. You missed a lot of sadistic shit.
James: Yes, but you missed a lot of gay slash. I very much so regret doing that with my murderer.
Jaye: Come on, Black and ermm...Ginny! Yes Ginny and Black! Do the closing of the chapter thing with me!
Ginny and Sirius: Okay.
Ginny: Next time our very own poetic potions master...SEVERUS SNAPE, will be mixing potions and giving them to each one of us, to make us different emotions.
Sirius: EMOTION POTIONS! Where all of our emotions are taken to the extreme, leaving room for more insanity and more randomness. And don't worry about Dumbles, Remmie and McGonagall (And Dementor, unfortunatley!!) They'll wake up in time for the next chapter! (Oh..and please someone get me out of here...prefably if your name is Vinnie!)
Jaye: And readers, don't forget to R&R. Keep lettin me know,who should go, and who should stay, and what other obsticals should get in their way! Oh yea and I am sorry about all james and voldie thing, I ran out of ideas, and female characters. Well I hope to hear from you!!!!!!!
Brad Pitt: [Waves]