Part I

"Would you like to hold her, Sodapop?"

Soda took the newborn baby from Penny's arms, the small bundle swaddled tightly in a blanket. He looked down at the child he'd helped create, seeing her tiny mouth and nose, a pink hat on her head, as she slept. "Oh, you're so beautiful."

Penny sat up in her hospital bed and reached for Soda, her arm wrapping around him, as she stared at the baby she was soon to give up. "She really is."

Soda summoned up every bit of strength he'd stored away in the past few months, as he looked at the baby. He felt a longing stir within him, as he touched the child's cheek, the smooth skin reminding him just how recently she'd made her entrance into the world. His eyes then moved up, looking at Penny, who had a gentle glow about her, despite the plans that remained in place. "Do you want me to go get Samuel and Vivian? I know they want to meet her."

Penny touched the hat that hid the little bit of hair the baby had, her arms then opening up to take her back from Soda. "Yes. Please go get them. They should be the next ones who get a chance to hold her."

"Hey, Soda, wake up, buddy. I thought we were supposed to-"

Steve stopped short, his eyes moving from Soda, who was fast asleep in his bed, to the dresser, where he saw an open bottle of cough syrup, a used medicine cup right beside it.

Soda barely stirred, only vaguely feeling Steve's hands on each side of his face, not even aware his best friend was fighting the urge to shake him. "'S okay, Stevie. Jus' sleepin'."

Steve watched Soda's chest rise and fall, the slurred speech both alarming and comforting. "You weren't supposed to do this, buddy." He looked over at the bottle of cough syrup again, the amount that remained making logic get in the way of the immediate panic he'd felt. "But it doesn't look like you took that much."

Soda slept on, the dose he'd taken pulling him further into a land that consisted only of dreams, where there was nothing for him to feel.

Steve leaned down, letting his head rest against Soda's. "Damn it, brother. I hate seeing you knocked out like this." He focused on the breaths he could hear his best friend drawing, reminding himself that it would only take time. "You better believe me and you are going to have one hell of a talk when you wake up. I know it's been tough, buddy. But that's what you've got us for."

Steve sat up, sighing, as he leaned back against the headboard. "And I feel like a damn idiot for talking to you like this when you're too out of it to listen." He touched Soda's hand, giving it a squeeze that he hoped his best friend would still be able to sense. "But I'm still here, all right? I admit I'm kind of pissed you didn't come to one of us instead, but I can deal. Just sleep that shit off, and we'll talk the second you can keep your eyes open."

"Soda, you've got to get back in there, man. Penny needs you."

Soda rounded on Steve, the two friends in an empty corridor on the labor and delivery floor. "You think I don't know that? I know she needs me, but I also know I just need a break for a minute."

Steve approached Soda, standing behind him, as he put his hands on each of his shoulders. "I wasn't trying to say you don't know that, and it's okay if you need a break. I get it, buddy."

"Are Pony and Darry still in the waiting room?"

"Yeah. They aren't going anywhere til they know you won't be far behind."

"I held the baby, Stevie. And she's just so beautiful. It's like I wanted to take her right home. But I know I can't."

"Yeah. Of course. I didn't expect any different."

"I love her already. It was like this rush as soon as I saw her."

Steve moved so that he was in front of Soda, then put both arms around him, wishing he could soak in every bit of the pain his best friend was experiencing on a hospital floor that was built for times of joy. "I expected that too, buddy. Even though it might not help much, I want you to know everything you're feeling makes sense."

Soda pressed his face into Steve's shoulder, the hurt he was going through somehow more bearable for the moment. "I didn't want to break down in front of Penny."

"Yeah. I can dig that, man. Sorry I jumped so quick when I saw you out here. I should've realized it right off."

Soda lifted his head from Steve's shoulder, pulling away from the hug. "Your heart was in the right place, Stevie. Penny does need a lot of support."

"Which you won't have the strength or energy to give if you don't get some support too."

Soda looked down the hall, seeing the corner that led to the nursery and patient rooms. "Yeah. That's true. I really should go back now though, especially since Samuel and Vivian are in there."

"All right, buddy." Steve settled his arm over Soda's shoulders, walking along with him. "I'll keep hanging around the waiting room. If you need anything, just say the word."

Soda started to go around the corner that would lead him back to Penny's room, as Steve went the opposite direction. "It's weird, you know?"

Steve paused, turning back around to look at Soda. "What is?"

"This feeling of being happy and sad at the same time. Cause I'm a father. But I'm really not."

"You're a birth father though. You won't be raising the baby, but you're here. That's something to be happy about, even if it's mixed with a lot of sadness."

"Yeah. I guess it is."

Steve waited for Soda to begin walking in the other direction once more, only to see his best friend remain still. "What is it, man?"

"I'm just amazed. That's all."

"By what?"

"The baby. Cause she's here. I won't get to take her home, but she's my daughter. Our daughter. And it feels like a miracle that I get to know her."

"Why's Soda sleeping? Is he sick or something?"

Steve grasped Pony's shoulder, leading him away from the middle Curtis' bedroom. "I think he took some of the cough syrup I saw on the dresser, Pony. You know how that kind of stuff puts him out."

Pony glanced down the hall at Soda's partially open door, his curiosity growing. "But why would he need that? I haven't heard him coughing."

"I'm not sure, Kid. I just know the bottle's open, and he's knocked out. He even talked to me a little and slurred his words like the last time he took that medicine."

Pony looked at Steve, a few questions coming to him, even as he could only ask one at a time. "So if that's all you know, why were you sitting there with him, like you're worried or something? I've seen that before, so I know what it looks like."

"Because I am worried about him. It's simple as that."

"It doesn't sound too simple. Why would you be worried if he just took medicine for something?"

"Never mind, Kid. I just am. It's Soda, so that's how it is. Worrying about him is a habit I'll probably never be able to break."

"Okay, honey. You can have another turn now."

Vivian took the baby from Samuel, her heart already swelling with love, as she looked at the child in her arms.

Soda stood near Samuel, seeing Vivian go sit on the edge of Penny's hospital bed, both women admiring the baby.

Samuel looked on, hearing the hushed voices of Penny and his wife, the impact of these moments not lost on him. He then turned to Soda, the younger man's expression leading him to put a hand on his back. "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Soda felt the touch, the meaning he knew it had enough to make his eyes begin to well up. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Do you want to go downstairs and get coffee with me?"

"I don't really drink coffee."

Samuel sighed, as he gave Soda a grin. "Okay. So you can drink something else. I'm just wondering if you want to talk at all."

"But I don't think I should leave Penny again."

"It looks like Vivian will be here a little while, and we won't be long."

"I don't know..."

Samuel went over to where Vivian was, kissing her cheek, as she was staring down at the baby. "So do you think you'll visit with Penny for at least a few more minutes?"

Vivian hardly looked up, as she answered her husband. "Yes, that's exactly what I plan to do."

Soda moved to Penny's other side, one hand resting on the blanket that covered her, as the other touched the hair that remained pulled back in a ponytail. "How are you feeling? I should've asked a long time ago."

Penny looked at the baby to whom she'd given birth just hours ago, the pain of labor already like a distant memory, as she imagined what lay ahead. "I'm okay. Very emotional. Tired too. If you want to go with Samuel, you should. I'll be all right. Besides, my parents haven't gotten to come see me yet. I know the hospital made an exception to the visitor rules because of our situation, but I don't think they want five people in here at the same time."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to ever feel like you're by yourself."

"I definitely don't, Sodapop. There's no way I could. So please go. I'm more than taken care of right now, so make sure you are too."

"He did what? What are you talking about, Steve?"

Steve took a step back, despite knowing that Darry's frustration wasn't aimed at him. "I think he took the cough syrup to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, Superman."

Darry's mind went back to the words Soda had spoken on a long drive they'd taken more than six months ago, also recalling what he himself had interpreted as a promise his brother would keep. "Damn it. It's not your fault. I'm not mad at you either. Just pissed off Soda did something he knows isn't safe for him."

"Yeah. I get that. Even if I'm more sad than mad right now. I swear I wanted to shake him awake as soon as I realized what I must be seeing."

"Why didn't he come to one of us? He's done it over and over again for almost a year now. Ever since he's had these thoughts and feelings."

"I'm not going to condone this, Darry. But it can feel easier to just escape, you know? It seems less overwhelming. And things are a lot different now than before."

"Yeah. I know that. Emily being born added even more to his plate."

"Especially since he wants to see her and can't yet. I've gotta say though, it's better that way. He'd get too attached."

"Just between me and you, I'm not so sure sometimes that this was the best thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Vivian and Samuel adopting Emily. Not really having any distance. I get to doubting that it's better for Soda than a closed adoption would've been. If he knew he could never see the baby, he'd have to move on, and he could. But with this, it's like he's waiting and wondering, so it's still hurting him."

"It was going to hurt him either way, Superman. I kind of get what you're saying though. A closed adoption would be over and done with. One like this is final, but still goes on."

"Yeah. Exactly. So back to now though. You didn't see any clue that Soda would go and take that medicine at all? He didn't say anything?"

"No. I can't even think of a clue in hindsight. Except, of course, knowing how he's felt before and how sad he's been lately. I still can't say this is a complete shock. Not after everything I've heard him tell me before."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him when he wakes up, Steve. I know I can't blow up at him, but I can't just pretend it's all right either."

"I don't think those are your only options. I know they aren't my only ones. I'm going to tell him exactly what it was like to realize what he must've done. He'll, no doubt, feel like hell when he wakes up, and I won't make that worse. But he still needs to hear the truth."

"I can see you as being the type of guy who takes a lot of creamer."

Soda responded to Samuel's words, as he opened several containers of vanilla creamer at once, then poured them into his cup of coffee. "Yep. It has to be sweet if I'm even going to try it."

Samuel took a sip of his own coffee that was mostly black with only a small amount of cream added. "In that case, you'll probably need the sugar too."

"Of course." Soda opened four packets, dumping them into his cup. "So what should we talk about? The weather's nice lately, don't you think?"

"Not really. It's been pretty cold, but I do think we're way beyond talking about the weather, especially today."

Soda took a swallow of the coffee, the sweet still not quite outweighing the bitter on his tongue. "Yeah. Well, I guess, I'm feelin' like I need to pretend none of this is actually happening, even though it's been the plan pretty much all along."

"I can understand that, Sodapop. But it is happening. The baby's here, and-"

"Ya'll are namin' her Emily, right?"

"Yeah. Emily Elizabeth."

"I know what I'm going to call her."

"You do?"

"Yeah. If it's all right anyway. I mean, she'll be yours. We've gotta sign the papers and all, and I will. I promise. We have to."

"I'm sure the name you're thinking of will be fine. You and Penny love her too."

"I do. I really do. And I think whenever things are settled, and I get to see her, I'll call her Emily Beth."

"Hey, buddy. It's good to see you're waking up. Cause I'm not leaving til we talk."

Soda could barely open his eyes, his mind still fuzzy, as he heard Steve's voice. "What's goin' on? Why are we talkin'?"

Steve sat close to Soda, as his best friend lifted himself up, the pillow he'd been lying on now behind his back. "I think you'll remember in a minute. There's a reason you were sleeping so hard."

Soda rubbed his eyes, getting them fully open, as he realized it was dark outside. His gaze shifted to the dresser, seeing the bottle of cough syrup that remained right where he'd left it. "Oh. Um, I- I didn't take that much. Maybe five teaspoons or somethin' like that."

"That's your explanation, man? Why didn't you come to me? What were you thinking?"

Soda let his mind go back several hours to when he had the feelings he'd only talked about before, the current circumstances leading him to act on them. "That I wanted to get away for a while."

"It's okay to feel like that, Soda. But what's not okay is doing what you did. You know that. You've talked about it with me, with Darry, and with Dr. Morgan. With your history, it isn't safe to use medication to get away or to escape."

"I know, but it was just this once. That's what I told myself."

Steve let a few beats of silence pass by, as he reminded himself to be as gentle as possible. "You still didn't answer my first question. Why didn't you come talk to me?"

"Cause I wanted to deal with this myself. I've constantly leaned on you and Darry. I can't keep doin' that when I need to support Penny in her decision. So I had to handle my own feelings."

"Handle your own feelings? You didn't handle anything, Soda. Tell me, now that you took that cough syrup and slept a while, how do you feel? Is anything better?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Of course it's not. Because that's not dealing or handling your feelings. It's burying them and making them worse. If you'd been alone when you woke up, what would you have done then?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Would you have taken more of the medicine?"

"Maybe."

Steve watched Soda's eyes move down, the guilt descending upon his best friend almost like a visible force. He put his hands on his shoulders, feeling a rush of gratitude to be having this conversation. "Buddy, I'm so glad I'm here right now. I want you to lean on me, so I can help you deal and process this stuff. When I came in earlier and saw you were sleeping and saw the bottle of cough syrup, it scared me. I almost started shaking you to get you to hear me and wake up."

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I didn't mean to scare you."

"I know that, man. I do. I'm just wanting you to know what I saw." Steve let his hands slide off Soda's shoulders, moving down to grip his best friend's wrists. "But you know what you did, even when you were knocked out?"

"What?"

"You told me it was okay. That you were just resting. Even then, you were trying to comfort me. I looked over and realized how much was still in that medicine bottle and got a little bit calmer. But I kept sitting here and talking to you, like you were listening. It felt important for you to have someone beside you. A presence, you know? Because no one was here when you decided to use the cough syrup to get away."

Soda's gaze lifted up, landing on the bottle of medicine that didn't seem to taunt him the way it had earlier. "Did you tell Darry?"

"Yeah. You couldn't keep that from him anyway, man. Even if you could, this is your safety we're talking about here. He needs to know."

"What about Pony? Is he here?"

"Yeah. He was earlier anyway. He knows you took the medicine. He doesn't know why. Kid only thinks you must be getting sick because why else would you take it?"

Soda covered his eyes with both hands. "He can't know, Steve. He'll never forgive me."

Steve tugged Soda's hands away from his face, their gazes meeting. "Yes, he will, buddy. If you decide to tell him, that is. I'm not about to say you have to, but I think Pony would appreciate the honesty. Besides, you aren't going to be able to look at him and say you had a cough or something without him knowing you're lying."

"Yeah. That's probably true. Is Darry mad at me?"

"No. He's upset and not sure what to say to you, but he isn't mad at you. I'm not either, by the way."

Soda let himself lean forward, putting his head on Steve's shoulder. "I screwed up so bad, Stevie. What the hell is wrong with me?"

Steve sighed, as he felt Soda's arms wrap around him, any anger he'd had now melted. He held his best friend, the need to be gentle now requiring no effort. "Nothing is wrong with you, okay? Those thoughts and feelings got the best of you, man. So you fell. It happens."

"I should've gone to you or Darry. But I just kept thinkin' so much. I got kind of scared."

"Of what?"

"My own memories and feelings. Cause I was lookin' back on the day Emily was born, rememberin' how it felt to hold her. How Penny looked so strong, even when it was hard. And it all makes me wish I could hold Emily again right now, but I know I can't."

"It's for the best, buddy. She needs to get settled in. So do the rest of you. I know that's easy for me to say cause I'm not the one aching to hold a baby, but it's true."

"You don't think they could change their minds, do you?"

"Who? Samuel and Vivian?"

"Yeah. Could they decide not to let me or Penny see her in April?"

Steve hugged Soda for another moment, as he turned the question over in his mind. He then pulled away, seeing his best friend's teary eyes that had to still be heavy with a want to sleep. "They aren't going to do that, brother. This is the time that's part of the plan you all made together. Samuel and Vivian aren't just going to up and change it. If you're really worried, please talk to Samuel about it. You know he'd want you to say something if it's getting to you this much."

"I know. And it is."

Steve watched a tear drip down Soda's cheek, one of many he'd seen him shed lately. "Soda, do I need to worry at all about you doing anything to hurt yourself? Where's your head right now?"

Soda started to answer, then stopped, his mouth closing, as he looked away from Steve.

Steve saw another tear begin to fall and touched Soda's cheek to stop it, hoping to convey all the warmth needed to put his best friend at ease. "It's okay if you're still not in a good place, buddy. I'm not asking to put you down for it or guilt you for what happened today. I just want to help, like always."

"I think I'm just still really tired, and I feel bad for makin' ya'll deal with somethin' like this."

"It's okay, man. It wasn't the best way, but you were still only trying to cope. You know I get that, and I'm just glad you didn't go any further. Like I said, you fell, but what matters is that you let us help you get back up again."