TV Shows » Buffy: The Vampire Slayer » The Human Spirit text size: (+) : (-) Author: daniaal 1. Prologue2. Chapter 1: Teaser G - English - Action/Adventure/Angst - Reviews: 14 - Publish date: 09-11-03 - Updated: 09-29-03 story id: 1515828
Diary of Xander
I woke up from the beatings HE gave me, I've woken up from a lot of beatings. Not just from HIM, but from my time with the scoobies.
This time though it was different.
There was the blinding pain I had in my head, and I knew. I knew with every sense of my being this was not like any pain I had ever faced.
This was the a pain that was telling me that something had broken.
And that the fact that the pain was coming from my head, frankly it scared the hell out of me.
The pain itself, it felt like ---- like when you've eaten a cold ice cream really fast and your head is about to freeze --- Only this was a 100 times worse.
I tried thinking about the pain, something to focus on. Because as long as I focused on the pain I didn't have to acknowledge what every hard earned instinct was screaming at me.
I know this is what a Kamakazi pilot felt like when he was about to fly of.
He is about to die. But instead of contemplating his death, he did something else. He made sure he had enough fuel, that all his equipment was operational, even the task of securely fastening the seatbelt was something he did with a relief. Because as long as these tasks were being done, then the thoughts at the back of his mind would not come to the forefront.
Nobody ever excused me for being smart. But even I knew that if my fear was true, if in fact something had broke in my head, I needed help.
Stopping myself from feeling or at least reducing pain was a skill I had to learn because of necessity. If it wasn't for that skill, then between HIS drunken tantrums and my midnight lifestyle I would have been in a constants sense of pain; I have never felt betrayed from a skill I have learnt --- Until then.
To accept your own doom is a very hard thing .
But I had accepted my dad thought I was a loser, that teachers thought I was a loser, that class mates thought I was a loser, that strangers thought I was a loser, that my "friends" thought I was a loser --- including Buffy --- the woman I loved. The woman that just two days ago I had made love to, while tears of joy threatened to flow down my face --- That Buffy Summers thought I was a loser.
Compared to accepting that, accepting my doom was not that hard.
As I walked towards the basement door I was thinking how love can turn to hate with a day. A hate that is the same intensity as the love felt. How friendship can turn to betrayal. How allies can turn to enemies.
As I was thinking these thoughts I fell on my knees and puked.
When I stopped gasping and grunting. I glanced at the floor --- Then I stared.
Its amazing how red blood truly is......
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