Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson
Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.
Body and Soul
Chapter One
Joey
I wake up everyday and I apologize to a dead woman. I apologize for living a lie. Or am I living a lie? And if I were that sorry wouldn't I do something about it? I don't even know anymore. Maybe if I hadn't started therapy I wouldn't be so mixed up about my decision. Back in college Jen said that I should give therapy a go. Even Dawson has tried it,' she joked. Back them I blew her off but these days I take every word she said seriously.
Apparently I have a serious fear of abandonment and enough father issues to keep my therapist in business for the next decade. I could have told anyone that, but I wouldn't, so I have to pay a stranger to listen. Though there is no shortage of material mostly we talk about why I run away from relationships. My therapist had it pegged on the first visit. I run to avoid being left, being hurt. If I'm not the selfish one then I will be the one left to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship like my mother was. I've ran like that my whole life, the question is am I doing it now?' Did I run away from Dawson and use Pacey as a safety net or do I just doubt my decision now because things are starting to get more serious between me and Pacey? I hate to even think it, but Pacey is a sure thing. I can almost be on autopilot with him. I can go through the motions of being Joey Potter and he doesn't have a clue, or if he does he just considers himself lucky to have me and doesn't press for fear that I'll run. And I would.
That's a joke, Dawson and Pacey in a constant battle for my affections. Honestly, they're both too good for me. Sometimes I wonder if it's not me but the constant rivalry that has fueled this thing for over ten years now. It can't be me. If they really looked at me they would see how fucked up and selfish I really am. They each deserve women that will give of their entire selves to them, not split herself in half and give one her body and one her soul. Maybe not being with Dawson is the one selfless thing I have done. If we were together I would ruin it somehow. I always ruin it. But none of that matters right now because it's Wednesday and it's eight o'clock.
Pacey
She barely even acknowledges my presence as I sit down on the couch next to her. I hate when she gets like this. I couldn't reach her now if I tried, so I don't. Whenever The Creek is on she gets sucked into another dimension. She's not here with me she's fifteen and watching movies in Dawson's room and doing God knows what else. Of course now I know what else from all the makeout scenes that have been shown this season. The payoff I suppose for all of those fans that sat through the first season with crossed fingers hoping the two soul mates would find each other.
Soul mates. I hate that word. I won't admit it to anyone but I've taken a peak into the chatrooms to see what people thought. Applying it more towards me, Joey, and Dawson not Petey, Sammy, and Colby. "But they're soul mates!" That was the bottom line. I wanted to write something back telling them that somewhere out in the real world Petey and Sammy were fucking while Colby indulged in his real love, himself, on the opposite coast. Once when I was visiting Joey in New York I stopped at the corner store for some wine. In front of me two women who must have been at least fifty were even talking about it. Whining about how when someone has another person's soul they will always be together no matter who they are with and blah, blah, blah. I went right to Joey's apartment and fucked her on the kitchen floor. As I pounded her harder and harder into the floor I didn't care how rough I was being with her and I didn't care if she came or not. I just did it because I could, because I had her body. I may not have had her entire mind or any of her soul but her body was mine for the taking and he didn't have that. She was cold with me and ignored me the rest of the night and who could blame her. I had almost raped her in her own kitchen. I left the next day feeling like shit and hating myself.
The commercials are almost over and I know she'll be coming out of the bathroom soon. She wouldn't miss a moment of this. Colby forgot Petey's birthday because he had some lame ass fight with Sammy after he read her e-mail. Sound familiar? Anyway Lexi throws Petey a party at the docks instead and we're supposed to be seeing the beginnings of a relationship between the two, who it would seem can't stand each other. There is really only one big problem. There is a complete lack of chemistry between Petey and Lexi. They just insult each other. There is nothing underneath it to soften the blow. The insults are hurled like bricks with nothing to take the edge off. Not to mention the fact that Andie would never prance around in cutoffs up to her ass and a bikini top anytime of the year, but definitely not in November. Dawson had said that the actors who played them had just had a nasty breakup in real life, maybe that was why it just came off hateful and awkward. It's almost insulting to me and Andie. There's no Dumbo connection but I'm glad. We had a good thing but seeing Dawson butcher it on the small screen is just too much for me to bear. This storyline sucks enough without Dawson ruining Dumbo for me. I wonder what Andie thinks of it.
She's back now and gives me a small smile as she sits down and makes herself comfortable. As the show comes back on I watch as she leans forward, transfixed in the happenings on screen. It's raining now and Colby and Sammy find each other in the crowd of people at the docks. They move forward in slow motion without a word. When they finally reach each other they embrace and Colby kisses Sammy's shoulder, almost sucking the raindrops off. I can't help but look over at Joey to gauge her reaction. Shit. Her eyes are half closed and her mouth is parted slightly. I can tell by the look on her face that it really happened. There has only been one episode of the show that I truly enjoyed. There is a sophomore class trip to New York City and they all get separated from their class. Kim catches up with her old friends but realizes how much she's changed. John hits on a gay guy for the first time but gets rejected. Petey and Lexi wander into a bad part of town and get mugged while Sammy and Colby are separated but meet at the end of the episode at the Empire State Building, just like in Sleepless in Seattle. I like it because it is bullshit. It never happened to us but it could have. Plus Joey didn't have that wanting look on her face the whole time. I remember that look from when we were fifteen.
"Let's call him," she suggests after the credits roll. Gee, I didn't see that coming. We only call him after every show. She dials the number and then hands me the phone. Why I have to be the first to talk when it wasn't even my idea to call is beyond me. Actually this way when I'm done she can talk as long as she wants without me hovering over her.
"Hey man," I say casually when Dawson answers the phone on the first ring.
"Did you watch the show?"
"Yeah," I answer. "But you better put some clothes on Andie before you piss her off. Believe me you don't want to make that girl mad. I've been there." There, I think the tone was just right. I made a joke but at the same time got to stick up for Andie.
We make some more small talk but I can see Joey pacing around the living room like a kid at Christmas so I just make my good-byes and hand Joey the phone.
"Hey!" she says. "Yeah, it was great." Joey laughs at something. "Less embarrassing than that coffee table scene last week. Uh huh, Bessie started teasing me about it all over again last week. You know the Hoey Potter jokes and calling dry humping Starbucking. Nothing I haven't lived through already." She goes to the fridge to take out a diet coke and holds one up to me in a silent offer. I shake my head. "Yeah, I'll be in Los Angeles next week. Pacey's driving me to Logan tomorrow and I'll fly out from Boston to Phoenix. Yup and then to Atlanta and then after that one week in sunny LA"
I pick up a Sports Illustrated and flip through it and try to block out the sound of her laughter. I'm jealous but I can't admit it. He's her best friend, her soul mate. So now I just have to sit here and pretend like she always sounds that happy when she's talking to me. Like I see this Joey all the time.
"Of course," I give up and start listening to her end of the conversation. "I'd love to get together with you for lunch or something if we can both find the time." Bullshit. Last time business took her to Los Angeles I called her hotel room at three in the morning (midnight on the West Coast) and Dawson answered. It's just a game they play. Like they wouldn't drop everything for each other. "I know. And I haven't even seen the set yet." There is more laughter and out of the corner of my eye I can see her blush. "No, I'm not looking to test ride the porch swing." I can't listen anymore.
"I'm going for a walk," I announce as I get my jacket. Joey just nods and waves.
"Pacey. No he's going for a walk."
Dawson
I just called my secretary and had her forward all my calls directly to my office and to hold any visitors now I'm turning on my cell phone just in case. It's nine o'clock on the East Coast so I know that The Creek just finished unless baseball or something preempted it. Is it even baseball season? Just then the torture is over. Good thing I turned on my cell phone.
"Hey," I answer. Its Pacey but I'm not surprised, he always talks first. "Did you watch the show?' I try to fill up time and quelch my desire to demand he put Joey on the phone pronto.
He's complaining about Lexi's wardrobe or something and I remind him that we shoot in Los Angeles where the temperature is in the nineties and the cast would be impossible if they had to wear winter clothes all day. We make some more small talk and then he hands the phone to Joey.
I try to stay calm but I must admit that these calls are the highlight of my week. Sure we call and e-mail all the time but this I can count on like I used to be able to count on movie night. I ask her about the show and I'm relieved when she likes it. The critics can tear it apart for all I care but I want her to like it. Right now she's telling me about how Bessie is teasing her about Sammy's older sister walking in on her and Colby dry humping on the coffee table. She's laughing about it, which is good. I always get a little nervous when I include real life things about sex on the show. I don't want to air it all out there, but I guess only her and Bessie know the truth.
I must be quite a sight. A man with a top ten network show holed up in his office getting settled in for a long talk with his high school sweetheart, slash best friend, slash soul mate. There about a million other things I should be doing right now but I can't think of one. I love her. God I love her. When she says she'll be in LA my heart skips a beat. It's not exactly that I'm trying to steal her away from her boyfriend and, I guess, my other best friend it's that I truly believe we were meant to be together body and soul. I once said that all roads lead back to me. Joey just hasn't reached her destination.