Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

Body And Soul

Chapter 9

Joey

Its back now. All the doubt and fears I have about myself. He's snoring peacefully, his head buried in the pillow, one arm draped casually across my waist. That question that is always just below the surface is nagging me. Did I make the right choice? Did I just fall back on Pacey because I was afraid? Because I'm still afraid of so many things. I'm afraid that I'll never truly grow up, I'm afraid that the life that I want and the sense of peace I desire will forever be just out of my reach, and I'm afraid that I'm too fucked up to ever be in a functioning relationship.

And we kissed last night. There's no way of diverting my thoughts from it. Believe me, I've tried. I've thought about work, I've tried thinking about calculus, and I've even tried to remember the names of everyone that lived on my dormitory floor the semester I studied in Paris. But my thoughts always come back to Dawson, which leads me back to the kiss. And how could my thoughts not come back to Dawson? He's been an important factor in my life in one way or another since I was a child. I've even tried thinking of Pacey, but that only leads my mind back into the forbidden realm of Dawson Leery.

If anyone saw us they would think we were lovers, perhaps even husband wife. My head is resting on his chest and his arm is draped around my waist as we each occupy our designated side of the bed. We were just like this when I woke up. And we're in our underwear, a fact that startled the hell out of me when I first woke up. Then I remembered us stumbling drunk through his front door, supporting each other haphazardly as we made our way into his bedroom. We just peeled off our clothes, fell into bed, and almost immediately fell asleep.

But appearances can be deceiving, especially when it involves me and Dawson. But I think that this is what it would be like if I had chosen Dawson. I would be as I am right now, in his arms. So what's so different? As far as I can tell the only thing that separates Dawson and I from other couples is sex. Of course we have done that too. Sophomore year in college and then almost my senior year before Gale walked in on us. Of course we were too trashed that night to be embarrassed, it really wasn't mortifying until the next day when she kept winking at us during Christmas dinner. Dawson and I almost got back together then but I freaked, I was afraid that I was just afraid of moving on. College was almost over and the fear that I was clinging to Dawson (my metaphor for the past) was almost crushing. The moment I told Dawson I thought we should just stay friends I regretted it, but it was to late.

Through the years there have been a few more incidents like that with Dawson and Pacey both. Yeah, I can admit it now, I jerked them around. There was always that promise that they could have me in the end. No wonder Jen made my love life her dying wish, I think she may have just wanted a little peace from beyond the grave. But in reality, how selfish was I? I pretty much just said all right boys I'm ready to choose, and just assumed that they both were just waiting for any scrap I might toss their way.

Dawson's moved on, I'm sure of it. I saw the looks coming from that woman Rebecca last night. The way that she looked at Dawson possessively made every jealous nerve that I have in my body burn. I know that he slept with her. He didn't say anything, but I could tell. I could see it in his eyes. Mostly he ignored her. I don't know if it was just his oblivious nature at work or if he just felt weird being with her and I at the same time. Either way he spent most of his time holed up in the corner talking to me. We were both drunk and more touchy feely than we usually are with each other. True to my jealous ways I made sure that Rebecca saw us making such a fuss over each other. Yeah, I'm a bitch. I'm not exactly sure what my deal is, I don't think I want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either. I know how unfair that is to Dawson. That I can be with Pacey and expect him to be fine with it, yet I don't even want him to talk to some woman I don't even know because I suspect they might have slept together. If that's the case I really am a bitch.

All of this analyzing is making the low, dull pain in my head worse. But I have to admit that I have come a long way in therapy already. Before I started I wouldn't have even tried to work through my feelings of jealousy or question if or why I was running. And even if I did have feelings for Dawson still, what would it matter? He's moved on and it would kill Pacey. Dawson will be fine without me as a girlfriend but if I leave Pacey I don't think he would be able to take it.

But last night we kissed. It was a pure accident but I couldn't help but revel in it a bit. The sparks are still there, I could feel them, I know Dawson did too. I wasn't the only one who wallowed in the kiss. This is all too much for so early in the morning. Maybe I'll just bask in this feeling of being in his arms for just a bit longer.

Dawson

Its back now. All the love I feel for her has come rushing back to me in one tremendous jolt of a kiss. Its not like I didn't still love her before, but it is almost like I forgot the full force behind those feelings. It has been so long since we kissed, I mean really kissed, that I had almost forgotten how truly hypnotic our kisses can be. Not like the kiss last night was passionate or hot or loving, at least not to the casual observer. The kiss was a goof, a joke. But I could feel the sparks of electricity pass from her lips to mine and back again, and I know she did too. How did I know? It was in her eyes. They told the story for me as plain as I was watching it unfold on screen.

And now here we are. My arm is around her waist and she is leaning into my chest, me in my old boxers and her in a black matching panties set. Somehow, during the night, our bodies must have found each other because we definitely did not fall asleep like this. We came stumbling home drunk, peeled our clothes off, and flopped into bed. Yet part of me can't help but think that this is how we would be if she had chosen me. She would be here, in my arms. This is where we belong. So what's the difference now? If we completely belonged to each other I would be softly kissing her shoulder now, moving to her neck. Joey would turn around and chastise me, saying we have to be to the airport soon, but would kiss me back anyway. Maybe we would miss our flight.

But we don't completely belong to each other. As much as I try to keep the thoughts at bay, she gives her body to Pacey. He is the one that kisses her, makes love to her. I'm her soul mate; I try to remind myself. I get the best part of her. Her body may be beautiful but it's her mind, her spirit, her soul, that I really love. And those I have, I always have, and I think I always will. It's not a very consoling thought when I can feel her warm body pressed against mine. My body wants to scream out at the sheer injustice of it all.

She is awake. I'm sure of it. I should tell her it's time to get ready, that we have to be at the airport soon. Shortly we'll be back in the real world where the air is fresh, the breasts are real, and Joey is with another man. But I'm not going to say a word. I want to stay like this forever, keeping the world at bay. I'm not sure why she hasn't moved yet, why she's letting me keep her in this embrace, but I won't complain. Whatever scrap of affection she throws at me, I'll take it. I'm sort of pathetic that way. But last night we kissed. It's all a matter of biding my time. But for now I'll just bask in the feeling of her in my arms for just a bit longer.

Joey

"Dawson," I can't help but grumble as his ever ringing cell phone pierces my brain, sending out waves of pain. My stomach is weak, my body is tired, and my head is pounding. "Could you turn off that damn phone."

"Same to you," he manages to grumble back in reference to my phone, which is now ringing. Wearily, I check to see who it's from. Harley. Feeling a little guilty I turn it off without answering. I just can't deal with a college love triangle right now.

I feel bad about snapping at Dawson as I see him turn his phone off. I know he feels as bad as I do this morning. We both had way too much to drink last night and our payback is being forced to wait at gate B-10, in one of the worst airports that I have ever been in. "Why don't we both just keep our phones off until we get to Capeside?" I try to be a little more gentle when I say it. It's not his fault that I was so nervous last night that I felt the need to get trashed.

Watching his show to see who had sex was just too weird. Whenever I see Sammy and Colby I can't help but think of them as Dawson and me. Can I say how strange it was to see Sammy and Colby have sex after he gives her a snowglobe for her birthday? It was like watching myself. I must say that Sammy and Colby handled the aftermath a little bit better than Dawson and I did. Then again, there wasn't some other woman that Colby was already sleeping with to hurt and humiliate Sammy the morning after. OkayI just don't feel well enough to get into that right now.

"So," Dawson says as he leans back into his seat. "What did you think about the show last night?" I can see the expectation in his face. We never really talked about it last night, we were both too drunk. Where do I even begin?

"It wasnice." I finally say

"Nice," Dawson repeats.

"Yeah," I try to explain. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and think that I hated it or something. "I liked it. I liked the way it turned out."

I can actually hear Dawson give a sigh of relief. "I was afraid that you would hate it."

"Well it did hit pretty close to home," I admit. "And that was almost strange to see. But in a way it mirrored real life more than real life did."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, I guess that when teenagers love each other, or even when they don't love each other for that matter they're gonna have sex. Usually it doesn't take five years."

"True," Dawson sighs. "The network was totally against it. In their minds once a couple does the deed they're running on borrowed time."

"Hmm," I'm not sure what I should say about that. "Are they running on borrowed time?" I finally ask.

"I don't know? I'm writing that right now. I just don't know where I should go with them." I can tell that he's confiding in me now. "I mean part of me wants them to stay together forever sparring, analyzing, just being happy with each other"

"But that's not real life," I can't help but say almost regretfully. "Especially if you're a teenager."

"And you can't have the two leads on a teen drama happy and in love all the time. Where do you go from there?" he asks.

"True," I agree.

"So," he takes a breath. "It's not really a matter of if, but when."

Dawson

I'm glad that she liked the show. I'm more than glad, ecstatic maybe. To say I was nervous about her seeing it would be the understatement of the year. There was so much of that episode that I took from real life; visiting her father, the snowglobe, and her birthday. I was afraid that she would be mad at me, yell at me for using her personal life for financial gain. But maybe because I balanced the truth with a healthy dose of fantasy she didn't mind. I put so much work into that episode, I'm glad that she liked it.

"Don't look now," she whispers with a smile. "But that woman over there is checking you out." I wait a moment and then look over to where she meant. Hmm an attractive blonde reading a magazine, she must be nearly forty. That's probably a little old for me. Joey's right she is looking at me a little strangely.

"Maybe she recognizes you," Joey continues.

"People don't recognize directors unless their Speilberg or something."

"You have a point there." Joey leans in and whispers in my ear. "Maybe she just thinks you're hot." Actually I don't think that's it. She's looking at Joey now.

"Maybe she thinks you're hot," I tease.

"She probably thinks I'm your woman or something." She laughs. I didn't know the notion was so preposterous.

No, it's not that. Now she's staring at us. Maybe she does recognize me. "Or maybe she likes us both." Joey laughs even harder. My mind entertains that image for a moment but not for long. I just don't like the way she's looking at us.

"Didn't you hear?"

"Huh?' I answer. Obviously I didn't. I must have entertained the fantasy of Joey and that woman longer than I thought.

"It's time for us to board now."

To Be Continued