Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.

Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson

Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.

Body And Soul

Chapter 11

Pacey

I can feel all of the air exit my body in a slow hiss, like a deflated basketball. This is worse than the time my dad told Doug that it didn't matter if I screwed up because at least he had Doug. This is worse than the time I accidentally killed our family dog when I accidentally started a kitchen fire. This is worse than the time my dad let it slip that I was a mistake. This is worse because it is coming from her. Joey, the one person who I count on not to hurt me. The one person that I love with a reckless abandon so much that it physically hurts sometimes is sprawled out on the pages of a magazine kissing some guy. But it's not just any guy — it's Dawson. Funny how after all these years I still consider him my best friend. God only knows why. I suppose some habits are heard to break.

It's Audrey who's holding the magazine now. The offensive images are still there as I lean over her shoulder. Somehow I was hoping that I was seeing things.

"I, uh, didn't know" Audrey stammers as if she is responsible for the images that are being burned into my brain. She makes a move to close it but instead I take it from her. I can see the mish mash of emotions in her eyes. She's concerned, a little scared, and something else. I think that it is pity. There is pity for me in those soulful blue eyes. I still haven't found the courage to look at Joey or Dawson. In those faces my deepest fears about them, about myself, will be confirmed or denied.

So I look at the pictures and will myself to read the words that accompany them. Pictures of them laughing, feeding each other, holding hands, with their arms wrapped around each other. All of those could technically be explained away as the actions of best friends, people who are just naturally comfortable around each other because they have known each other all their lives. But there is one photograph that doesn't lie. There can be no words of simple explanation or absolution. She's kissing him. My Jo is kissing another guy for all the world to see.

And the deflated feeling is being replaced by a slow burning anger. Anger at her for never being able to make up her fucking mind. Anger at her for jerking me around by my dick since my junior year of high school. With each thought the anger grows and the rational dissipates. But it's him that I'm the most angry at. Dawson has always just swooped in and taken what he wanted, always. No matter if it belonged to someone else or if it was all they had in the world. If Dawson wants it then by God we better bend over backwards for Johnny Hollywood to get it. I can feel my hands bunch into tight balls at my sides and my jaw clench. This is going to be one time that Dawson regrets taking what isn't his.

I feel a cool hand rest on my shoulder. I turn to tell Andie to stay out of it but no one is there. Andie is next to Audrey and I can see how worried she is by the lines in her forehead and the look in her eyes. The anger vanishes and is once again replaced with a hollow sort of hurt. I have to leave this room before it returns and I do things that I will never be able to take back.

So I silently and alone walk to the porch. As I walk past the "adults" in the kitchen I say nothing and keep my steps slow and deliberate. There is no pitter-patter or hurried steps following me, but I didn't expect any.

Joey

I try to will an explanation out of my mouth but none comes. Why God, can't I speak. I can't help but give a furtive glance around the room. Dawson looks somber. His face is blank and unreadable. I wish he would say something, anything to break this silent spell that we all seem to be under. Everyone looks sympathetic but defeated. It is as if they all knew that eventually I would do something to hurt Pacey and the inevitable moment is finally here.

And I hurt him. I can see it in his face as plain as anything. I love this man and somehow I've once again hurt the people that I love the most. Why can't I just say that it was a misunderstanding? Dawson and I are friends, nothing happened. I want to tell him how the kiss was an accident but the whole scenario just seems solame.

Now that I see that hurt face I want to grab on to him for dear life. Now that I might lose him it seems so clear. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I know that I have my doubts but when I see him like that all I want to do is hold him and never let go. But he's angry. His fists are clenched and he's zeroing in on Dawson. I can tell that he blames him. I should do something to stop him, but what? Pacey jerks his head around and then suddenly unclenches his fists and walks away silently.

The room is heavy with silence. There isn't even room to breathe. Jack lets out a sigh and Doug is staring at me. Dawson's eyes are glued to the floor while Audrey and Andie are examining the magazine as if the clues to what really happened will be revealed if they only look hard enough. Even the children are silent and looking back and forth at us with wide eyes. I have to go after him.

"Hey." Not a great start, I know, but I don't know what else to say. "It's not what it seems." His back is to me but I can tell his body is tight.

"Then what is it?" he says after almost a minute of silence.

I walk a little closer to him and stand next to him as he stares at the creek. "I went to kiss his cheek and he went to kiss mine and we sort of collided. It wasn't anything, just a mistake." I speak fast and the words come out before I can even form them in my mind. "The rest was completely taken out of context. It all was."

"Why does this sound familiar?" Pacey's voice is low and steady. Part of me wants him to lose control, to yell at me and tell me how he's feeling, like he did at prom. I hate when he shuts down. But he sounds defeated and it kills me. It kills me because I caused it. Directly or indirectly somehow I feel like I should have known better.

"It's not like high school," I say. "We're adults now. We don't have to let every little misunderstanding wedge between us. I love you." I feel desperate. Desperate for him to still love me back. I don't want this to end, certainly not like this.

"I don't know what went on between you two," Pacey says the words with control and dignity I know I will never possess. "But honestly, now is not the time or place to discuss it. This is a time to give thanks. A celebration, and the first time everyone has been together since Jen died. That is what this day should be about, not us and our petty rivalries and revolving door relationships." He's right and now I feel ashamed. Ashamed that once again I've made everything about me. I always do that, and even I hate it. "But I don't want to put this on the backburner," Pacey continues. "I don't think this can just go away. So promise me something?"

"What? Anything," I'm desperate to save this, desperate for him.

"Promise me we will talk about this tonight - honestly and truthfully. I don't want either of us to hold back. We have to act like the adults we are."

"Yes," I say a tear of relief escaping down my cheek. I can explain, I can make him understand.

"And something else."

"Yes?"

"Don't run to Dawson. At least not until everything between us has been resolved."

"I wouldn't run to Dawson." I can't keep the defensive edge out of my voice. Alright, maybe I would but I can barely admit that to myself much less anyone else.

"Please, Jo." Pacey knows I would even if I don't say it. I can sense the desperate tone of his voice.

"I won't I promise."

"Just don't talk to him until you've talked to me first. We owe ourselves that much, don't we?"

I don't know how I will go the whole day without dissecting this with Dawson. I desperately want his insight, his comfort. But I know where Pacey is coming from. He can't be in a relationship with me AND Dawson.

"Sure," I say as I walk behind him and wrap my arms around his back. I let my cheek rest against his back and I can feel him relax a little bit.

"I love you, Jo." I can hear his voice crack a little and betray his strong exterior. I wonder if he's crying. I want to look but I feel frozen in this spot. Though I'm with Pacey I feel alone. Alone with my thoughts.

Dawson

I didn't want this to happen. Not like this. Now I feel evil. Like I swept in and seduced Joey with parties and premiers. My rational mind knows better. It knows that nothing happened that wasn't completely innocent, at least for Joey. I admit that I reveled in her touch, I drank in the sight of her like a fine wine, I basked in our exchanges, and let her very essence soothe over my soul. I took what I could get from her and relished it. And it is pathetic. I saw the look in Pacey's face and the desperation in Joey's. She was desperate to keep him. How am I supposed to hope for us to be together when she so obviously wants him? I want to have faith but it is so hard. Maybe if I hadn't seen them patching things up I could still hope. But I saw them; her arms snaked around his back with her cheek resting on him. They didn't move. I watched until I couldn't stand it any longer.

And now I'm here; at the dock staring at the creek. Her curves are more beautiful than that of any woman. The twists and turns of the creek outline the twists and turns of my life. Just when I think that I'm going one way there is a bend and I'm off in a new direction. On my show the creek is almost a character in itself. It connects all of the characters who live alongside it. Just as it did for me and Joey. In a way I think of this as Joey's creek because it would bring her to me in that little rowboat. But in another way I think of it as our creek. When were young we splashed around in it, when we were teens it became a liquid highway with a wonderful destination, and as we grew it became a place of reflection and introspection. There is no better place on Earth to organize one's thoughts. Maybe I'm attaching a too much sentimental value to a stretch of water. I don't know.

"I think I have pieced all of the events together." I turn from my thoughts to see Grams coming up the dock. She looks slightly older and moves a little slower but I can't help think that she'll outlive us all.

"Does everyone else know?"

"It appears so. But it never took very long for news like that to circulate among you kids, did it?"

"No," I can't help but think of the time Jen let it slip about Pacey and Joey — the first time. "Good news travels fast and bad news even faster."

"And is this good news or bad news?" Grams asks.

Honestly I just don't know the answer to that. I have a feeling that it will be the final nail in the coffin for one relationship, I'm just not sure which one. "I don't know," I answer simply. Yet I feel like Grams gets it. She understands the subtle overtones and undercurrents involved, some based on events sometimes a decade before.

"Are you in love with Josephine?" Only Grams could call Joey that. Truth is I think that Joey may still be afraid of Grams. Just a little.

"Yes." There it is the simple honest truth spoken out loud after all these years wrapped up in one simple word.

"Then you have to tell her. Though today is not the day." I realize that she is right. Today is not the time to get swept up in a seemingly endless love triangle. This is a time to be with my family and my friends. This is a time to celebrate the memory of Jen. How often do we have a chance to all be together? And this is what we do. We fight and sulk. Grams is right, as she usually is. Joey needs to know how I feel, but not today. I just wish that things were not as complicated as they are.

"I just wish it was simple," I can't help but say it. I know it sounds childish, but that's how I feel.

"Perhaps if it were simple it wouldn't be worth it." I feel as if a bolt of lightning has just gone off in my brain. For some reason the words resonate with me. I want to use them for my show. Now I have to laugh at myself for thinking of work even in the midst of a personal crisis.

"You're right. But sometimes I just wish that I had felt about Jen the way I feel about Joey. It would have been so easy." It's true. Boy falls in love with girl next door and lives happily ever after. The secondary players could pair off and we could all ride off into the sunset. It's very Hollywood.

"I know that Jennifer's feelings were similar." Grams pauses for a bit and stares at her old house. I know she must be remembering events and people that are gone now. "But we can't manipulate our feelings. You can't chose who you love. So love may not be simple but it isspecial." I smile because I was thinking of the word scorching.

Joey

He's gone now. Pacey that is. He and Andie went for a drive somewhere. She understands him better than I do, and it irks me. I suppose that it's just a small taste of the way that Pacey feels about Dawson. Now I'm just watching Dawson and Grams talking by the creek.

It's amazing how one simple stretch of water can mean so much to me. It sort of embodies my past. Old friends, family, Dawson. I feel that he and I mix with the currents of creek and meld with the memories of splashing children, rowboats, and thinking docks. I kind of like the imagery of two souls intertwined within the rippling effects of the water. I should probably write that down before I forget it. I could use it in my novel. Maybe I'm just placing too much importance on a strip of water.

""Long day, huh?" It's Jack. I can only begin to wonder what he has to say about all of this.

"You could say that,' I answer and do my best to smile.

""You don't have to pretend," Jack says. "I came out here because I couldn't pretend anymore." There is no emotion in his voice. Maybe a small sense of defeat. I can't be too sure.

Needless to say I feel like an ass. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be for Jack right now. The one person who meant the world to him is gone. He is adjusting to living with Doug and Grams and on top of that has a baby. I can only begin to imagine what he must be going through.

"I'm sorry, Jack." I don't know what else to say. "I know it must be hard." That's an understatement, I know.

"This isn't what Jen intended," he says softly. I'm sure she didn't. I remember when she told me that when she was eighty-six and in a nursing home the person who gave her a bath would know she was a mother because of the scar from her c-section. That was only a little over a year ago. God, it seems like forever since then. And I wonder how exactly I got to the point I'm at now. But there I go again making things about me.

"Jen thought she would live to be an old woman," I say softly.

"That's not what I meant," Jack says as he watches Dawson and Grams at the edge of the dock.

I can only look at him curiously and wait for him to continue. Twenty seconds or two minutes may have passed before he starts talking again.

"I'm not sure if I should tell you this or not, but I'm going to anyway. Do what you will with the information. I mean it's your life, not anyone else's."

"What is it?" He sounds so serious.

"I know that Jen asked you to settle the whole love triangle thing as her dying wish." I'm surprised, but only for a moment. Jack and Jen were best friends. It makes sense that she would tell him.

I don't say anything and Jack continues after a moment. "But there are two other things that she told me that you don't know about. I know that she asked Pacey to let you go and I also know that she told Dawson to be ready for his soul mate to come back into his life." He stops and turns and finally looks at me.

I have no clue what to say, how to feel. "Does this mean what I think it means?" I finally ask Jack. I think it does but I want to hear the words.

"It means that Jen thought you would choose Dawson." He says it so simply, yet it is anything but simple. My mind is reeling. That was why Pacey said he was letting me off the hook. And Dawson, he must have been confused, maybe even devastated, when after our talk about being soul mates he finds me with Pacey once again. All this time Dawson has been walking around with what Jen told him. Even if he has no romantic feelings for me it still must not be an easy assumption to live with.

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask Jack. Does this mean I'm supposed to dump Pacey and run to Dawson even though I promised I wouldn't. Would Dawson even want me? Should I stay with Pacey? I do love him. Is that enough? Maybe I need to move on from the both of them. Maybe I'm not meant to be with guys that I dated in high school.

"Only you know for sure what is best for you. Not Jen, myself, or anyone can decide that. I just thought that you should have all the facts. And the facts are that Jen thought you and Dawson would be together."

My head is swimming, my body feels like dead weight, and my mouth is dry. Every doubt I've ever had is buzzing through my brain. There are doubts about myself, about Pacey, about Dawson, and every relationship I've ever had.

Jack and I stay in silence for a long time. We see Dawson and Grams start to walk back towards the house. Before they get to close Jack turns to me again.

"My soul mate is gone. You're lucky. What if the one person who meant the most to you was suddenly taken away? What regrets would you have?"

Pacey

Andie and I have been sitting on the hood of my car both wrapped in my jacket for about a half an hour now. She knows I need the silence to clear my head. All I'm craving right now is peace. All I want is a tiny bit of tranquility. Sand Pointe offers tranquility, if not much else. I remember I used to drive Andie up here when we were sixteen. And here we are once again, me feeling like a failure. Not too much has changed.

"Are you happy?" I finally ask her.

"Yes," she says with a small smile. And why wouldn't she be? She has everything that she ever wanted. "And no" she adds. This confuses me a bit.

"What do you mean?" I don't want to pry but I feel like I can talk to her about it.

"I have everything that I always wanted," she says slowly. "And I love my job. I love helping people. But I don't have much left over at the end of the day for myself, not like I have anyone to share it with." She smiles when she says it and I think she wanted it to come off as a joke. I know her better. "And I miss my family. It's only an hour separation but some days it feels like forever."

"What do you want?" I ask after a moment of silence. "What's your plan." It's Andie. I know that she has a plan.

"When I'm done with my residency I want to come back to Capeside. I can be with Jack and Amy. I want to get married, have four kids, maybe a dog. I want to have a ridiculously boring yet happy life." She smiles when she is done.

"It doesn't sound boring to me." It sounds nice. Like everything I want but don't think I'll have. "It sounds peaceful."

"Same question." Andie says as she pulls my jacket a little closer to her.

"Am I happy?" I repeat. "What do I want?" I pause for a moment and think about the questions. The answers are there. I'm just afraid to say it out loud.

"No." I finally say. "I'm happy, but not truly content. Does that make sense?" Andie just nods. "As for what I want, I want a wife, four kids, maybe a dog. What our friends have referred to in the past as a domestic wasteland. A ridiculously boring, yet happy life."

We sit in silence once again. I know that we have to go back soon. Our real lives are waiting for us. But a part of me doesn't want to go. Part of me wants to sit with Andie and watch the sun set and wake up on the beach and watch the sun rise.

"I don't have a soul mate," I blurt out before I even knew that I was thinking it. "I mean thatwell." I backpedal.

"I know what you mean," Andie says. "In our circle I think the word may be a little overused. But I know what you mean, though." She sounds sad now. I didn't want to depress her. Now I feel like a complete loser. All she has done has been good to me and I always seem to be dumping all my problems on her.

A thought forms in my head. "How about whenever you feel like you could use a soul mate you just give me a call? I'll sort of serve as a stand in."

"Ditto," Andie says as she leans her head on my shoulder. I try not to let myself get lost in the scent of vanilla. Suddenly I'm nervous with her so close to me. It is definitely time that we go back.