Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson
Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.
Body And Soul
Chapter 12
Dawson
Somehow I've managed to make it through this day. I've kept a calm exterior as Joey and Jack talked out on the porch as that magazine article was passed back and forth more times than Joey has gone between me and Pacey. Miraculously I choked back the tears at the dinner table when Grams said she was thankful to God for giving Jen, and now herself, such wonderful friends and family when she was at a point in her life when she thought she had done all of the loving that God had intended for her. I laughed when she also said she was thankful that she looked younger than the woman who plays her on television. I have kept my voice steady and calm as my mother asked me what was going on. I told her nothing. Joey and I are just friends and that this really wasn't the time to hash anything out.
The most difficult thing was watching Pacey come back with Andie and seeing Joey do everything short of fall down at his feet. There has been holding of hands, fetching of beers, sitting of laps, and one fifteen minute absence where I don't even want to think about what went on. So I guess I was right when I told my mother there is nothing going on between me and Joey. I know that sometime during this break I have to tell her how I feel. I don't want it to slowly eat away at our friendship until there is nothing left.
Through it all I've tried to console myself with the fact that I get the best part of her, the part I'm sure Pacey never sees, maybe doesn't even know exists. I have her mind and her soul. But that is of little consolation when I see them walking to his car as she snakes her arm around his waist, most likely the thought of make up sex spurring them on. . Who am I kidding? I want it all. I want all of her in the way that she could have all of me – if she only asked. I love her soul, I admire her mind, but I want that beautiful body. I don't just want it for the obvious physical reasons. I desire it because her body is a reflection of her mind and soul. And I know I'm only setting myself up for heartbreak.
Joey
This afternoon I've done everything in my power to show Pacey that he has nothing to worry about. I've held his hand at the dinner table. I watched the football game while sitting on his lap. (Well I pretended to watch the game as I sat on his lap). I've gotten him a fresh beer from the fridge whenever his appeared to be getting low. I even pulled him into the bathroom for a quick blow job, hoping no one would notice. I must admit doing that in the Leery house made me feel a little guilty but I'm desperate for Pacey to feel at ease about Dawson and me. Yeah, desperate is the right word. I feel panicked. I don't want to lose Pacey. I love him. I know that I've been having a lot of indecisive thoughts lately, honestly I always have. But I don't want to lose Pacey, not like this.
And I've avoided Dawson, something easier said than done. My every nerve has been crying out for us to talk about this. Dawson feels the same way. I could see it in his eyes. I know that today was not the right time and I promised Pacey that I would wait until we talked about what happened, but I need my best friend. The worst part about today was watching Dawson act like he didn't know that I was avoiding him, watching him keep all of his emotions inside. I can only imagine what he thinks of all this. I hope he doesn't feel guilty. He didn't do anything wrong. No one really did.
But now as Pacey and I are driving away I can feel a pit of anxiety forming in my stomach. As much as I wanted to pretend that everything was fine today, I know that what is going to happen when we get home tonight can't be good.
As much as I have tried to concentrate on Pacey today Jack's words have been haunting me. What he said about his soul mate being gone while I still have the chance to change things keeps running through my head. The fact that Jen thought that I would chose Dawson is haunting me. Mostly to reassure myself I rub Pacey's thigh and rest my hand on his knee.
Pacey
Funny how just last week Joey's hand on my knee was such a comforting gesture. Now I can't help but wonder if it is a natural reaction or an attempt to sooth my wounded ego. I can admit that my ego is about as bruised as my heart. Well actually I could only admit that to Andie but I'm confident that my secret is safe with her – it always is.
After I came back with Andie the day was better than I thought it would be. I know that Joey was doing her best to reassure me that things were fine. She watched the football game on my lap and even pulled me into the bathroom and went down on me. Actually I wasn't too surprised about that. Sex has never been our problem.
And she kept her promise of not talking to Dawson until things between us have been settled. It's not exactly like I'm insane with jealousy or think that they had a passionate affair while she was gone. But I'm no fool. Things are never simple between her and Dawson. I just want a fighting chance.
Joey and I have never really talked through our problems. Usually we avoid them for as long as possible and then they explode. After talking with Andie today I realize that Joey and I can't avoid our issues forever. With us the future is almost a four letter word. There is so much we have to talk about. So much that we have been avoiding and will eventually, if not tonight, blow up in our faces.
We walk into the house in silence. I forgot to take her bag from my car, but I can do that after we talk. Taking a deep breath I start to walk over to the kitchen table but I feel a cool pair of arms wrap around my waist.
"Joey," I say. "We have to talk." I've never been one to pass up sex but this has to be done know. If I wait I'll lose my nerve and the things we need to get out in the open will never be said.
"We can talk later," she coaxes as she blindly tries to undo my belt buckle.
I can't help but assist her hands in undoing the clasp and I unzip my pants. Hell, we have the rest of our lives to talk.
"Wait," I can't believe I actually said it. Gently I take her hands away from my waist and take a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down. Then I do up my zipper and I turn to face her. The expression that I knew would be on her face is there. A mixture f hurt and confusion. "We have a lot to talk about."
"We can talk about that article later," she says as she gives me her sexy smile. Actually I really don't ever want to talk about it. If I thought our relationship could get away with it I would just take her to the bedroom and try to forget about all of our problems. But there are problems. Problems that go beyond Dawson, things we never addressed. And I don't want to hate her and I don't want her to resent me. God, I love her so much that I have to do this. I have to do this for us.
"Jo, we have to talk now."
"Nothing happened, I swear. It was nothing. They twisted everything just to fit a story. Nothing happened."
Now she's just looking at me expectantly. She's waiting for the explosion, the barrage of accusations. Dawson is my kryptonite; she knows it. Joey is expecting me to break, but I can't break. I need all the strength that I can muster to do this.
"I know that nothing happened." I can see the relief in her face and somehow that makes this worse. "I mean that I know you think nothing happened" This really isn't coming out the way that I want it to.
"But," Joey begins.
"Just let me say what I have to say first," I interrupt her. "First we can address the whole Dawson thing and then I think that there are some other issues that we need to discuss." I can see the confusion in her face. Joey and I aren't really the confronting things head on type of couple but I'm determined to do this right.
I take another deep breath. Looking into her eyes I'm struggling with the need to just take her in my arms. I need her too much. "So I just need you to hear me out before you say anything, I mean really listen." She just nods so I continue. "So we agreed to do the whole Dawson thing first?" She just nods again and it was really more of a rhetorical question. Now that the burden to speak is solely put upon my shoulders I want her to say something, anything.
"Like I was saying before I know that you didn't cheat on me, would never cheat on mebut the pictures didn't exactly lie. They may have been taken out of context but you did hold his hand and kiss him." Her face looks pained and it kills me, but I can't stop now. "Honestly I don't know what context those pictures were taken in and I believe that you might not be so sure either. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the Dawson and Joey dynamic. I never have and honestly probably never will." I can see her face flash with panic, but only for a moment. The she sets her features straight and unyielding. I know she wants to protest but I have to get this all out so I don't give her a chance.
"But that's not our biggest problem and as much as I know we both want to dance around it we both know that we can't go on like this forever. You coming up here every weekend and me taking time off to go to New York. And relocating wouldn't be an option either. I own the Ice House and I'm still paying it off and I will be for an awfully long time. I can't just pack up and go to New York. Honestly, I wouldn't want to."
Joey lowers her head and just mumbles, "But I could come to Capesidefor good, I mean."
"Can you look me in the eyes and say that, Jo?" I know that she can't and she keeps her head down. "And even if you could I wouldn't believe you. You have a career and a life in New York that you wouldn't be able to have in Capeside. Maybe if I lived in Boston or Providence we could have worked around it. But when it comes down to it we want different things."
"No we don't," she says quickly and a tear escapes. "We both want to have a family someday."
"That's just it," I say gently as I take her in my arms. The fact that it feels so right makes this harder than I ever imagined it could be. "For you a family is a someday thing and for me it's a anytime thing. I don't even know how many kids you want?"
"Two," she cries into my shoulder. "I want two children." I stroke her hair and I find myself crying. I'm crying because there are some things that love can't conquer, I'm crying because there is a part of me that will always love her, I'm crying because I have to let her go.
"You're off the hook," I whisper into her ear.
"I don't want to be," she almost whines. "I don't want to let go."
"I know," I console her. "I don't want it either, but that is the way it has to be." I have to take a moment to collect myself. The tears are flowing freely now and I'm powerless to stop them. But at least I don't have that empty feeling I did when I saw her and Dawson on the pages of that magazine. I welcome the hurt because it is the first true, uncomplicated emotion that I have felt in a long time. Our love was complicated but the hurt will be easier because I know it won't last forever.
"We can make it work." It sounds more like she's convincing herself and I know that in a way she is. I'm starting to have a feeling like we came full circle. We're breaking up just as we did so many years ago in similar circumstances. I see Joey and Dawson have some sort of moment and I realize that Joey and I are headed on different paths. But it is different this time; I'm not a kid anymore. I don't feel inferior and I think that we are doing this better. Hell, I know we're doing this better. And it's different because this time I thought it would last forever.
"No, we can't," I say regretfully. What I say next will end it for good. "I'm not just letting you off the hook, I'm throwing you back in the water. I don't know if you are going to run straight to Dawson, someone else or be by yourself or what. And it really isn't any of my business what you decide to do. Just know that I do love you. A part of me will always love you."
"I love you too," she says like a child that is about to stamp their foot and shout Not fair!'. That's what I want to do as well. I just hold her more tightly instead. "But it really won't work, will it?" She says it slowly as if she just realized it herself. I have no words left so I just shake my head.
To be continued