5.A BRIEF TRIP TO ANOTHER PLACE
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth. AT least that's was Genesis says. In actuality, he made Earth first, then Hell. Heaven was something of an afterthought.
Since the beginning of the written word, Man has tried to figure out exactly what the nature of Heaven is. Because, let's face it, that's what they would like to look forward to. But since you need to have something to frighten children in order to scare them into doing good, they have also tried to describe what Hell is like.
Back in the days of the Old Testament, the Jews believed that when you died, regardless of your nature you went to a dark and unhappy place called Sheol. Later on, they said that the wicked were separated from the righteous and would be cast into a valley called Gehenna. Real barrel of laughs, the ancient Jews. But it was a good image, so the Christians and the Muslim co-opted it when they decided that they didn't want it anymore.
The Greeks, being slightly more inventive, came up with the idea that when the soul died it went to a neutral region called Hades. If you had been good, you went to the Elysian Fields. If you had been bad, you went to Tartarus. Now Hades was described as being drab and dull, but not necessarily painful--- the Cleveland of the underworld, let's say. But because Tartarus was located below Hades, many less literate Greeks eventually came to associate the downward journey with going to unending torment. Which just goes to show which of the other world dimensions has the better PR.
When the Christians came around, many of them believed that a just and loving God could never have created a place such as Hell.It was regulated to the realm of symbolism. That is why so many Christians fundamentalists die with a look of surprise on their face. They've just seen where that light at the end of the tunnel is coming from..
The Hindus and the Buddhists believe that a soul may descend to one of many hells if you were wicked but you stay only until the wicked karma's effect has been removed. They've never agreed on anything else since and they were wrong about that as well.
Around the fourteenth century a well meaning Italian named Aligheri changed the perception of hell. It was no longer bad enough just to go there; now it had sublevels based on HOW evil you had been. Of course,considering that one of the big no-no's was fornication, he did get a good description as to how busy the place was. Now he also described Purgatory and Paradise, but who reads that? The Inferno was an ordeal enough as it Is and it is for that we remember this Florentine who had a real twisted idea as to what a comedy was supposed to be.
A little later, a king named Henry got sick of being told who he could marry and who he could kill and decided to form a church of his own. Then a little known professor named Marty attached something to a church door not related to bake sales. This eventually led to a group of people redefining what it takes to eternally damn you. Then people who were wound tighter broke away from that branch. Then the people who found Calvinism to be too loose broke away from them. These people were so uptight that the English kicked them out. All of them seemed to agree that Hell was meant to be reserved for those who didn't believe in their god. Basically, it was Gehenna 2.0.
By the time they got to America, the idea of hellfire and damnation were very popular. Of course the Puritans were very surprised when they learned that the people they had stoned to death in the name of God were NOT in Hell and they were. AS America matured, however, people gradually became less and less concerned what Hell was like and more and more about material things like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Hell was left to the clergy, who gradually found themselves reduced to telling everybody once a week for an hour that they were going to suffer eternal damnation. There were some stuck up people who argued that alcohol lead to the devil and they were still on that sex-is-evil kick, but gradually people began to care less and less.
There were ,of course, exceptions. In the early part of the twentieth century, a decent (for a Frenchman)thinker came up with the novel idea that the worst kind of torture man could devise was his fellow human beings. Some other well-meaning writers came up with several variations on the same theme: that hell was repetition. And in the later part of the century, some very imaginative (some might consider them deranged) artists came up with concepts of the whole Hell concepts basically portraying two Hells: the metaphysical one and the one on Earth. They also suggested that perhaps the course of time had twisted Heaven to the point where it was playing by the same rules as the forces of evil. (Indeed,one portrayal was so accurate that many higher and lower beings considered suing Todd McFarlane for copyright infringement.)
All of these concepts are interesting but all of them seem to miss the point. At least if you have been trying to bring the proverbial 'Hell On Earth' about. We all know that Hell is a terrible place to live for the damned soul. But what is it like to live in if you have never had a soul? If you have always been damned.
Back in the 1930's a bright light among the mortals named Fred Allen said that "California is a great place to live--- if you're an orange." (For all his brilliance Allen is best known among the demon world as a fool. In 1926, a Heckla Demon-- known as being the most humorless of a species that doesn't possess much comedy to begin with--- offered long life and great fame to Allen in return for his soul and alteration of his material. Enraged, Allen said that HE would write his own jokes, and thus missed out on the opportunities offered to his fellow vaudevillian's George Burns, Bob Hope and Milton Berle.) Similarly, one might say that Hell is a great place to live--- if you're a demon. Of course, even the most patient demon gets bored after a few aeons. And when you possess the desire to spread evil across the Earth then Hell can be a very unpleasant place indeed.
To a demon, Hell is your typical neighborhood. The worse kind of monster that you are, the better Hell is for you. You live in the finest establishments, you eat only the purest babies, the whole nine yards--- sort of a Plaza Hotel with hot and hotter running brimstone. But even if you were staying in the luxury suite, when you're an evil mastermind not even the greatest trappings can appease you.
Which was one of the reasons that an evil so old that it had whispered in the ear of Cain was sitting at the juice bar of this particular satanic establishment feeling royally pissed off.
For one thing, it is a little known rule of shape-shifting demons sent to this demonic level of the underworld that you have to keep the form that you used the most while you were on the surface. In the case of the First Evil, that form was Buffy Summers. And while many of her former victims--- most of whom were staying in this building--- would attest that the Slayer was a formidable foe, compared to many of the other evils who were around here, she was a Barbie Doll.
For another thing, there is a pecking order of demons even in the underworld. When you're below the surface, if you are a really awesome big bad (to put it in terms a certain vampire known as William had been fond of using) people will stay out of your way and fall to your authority. If, on the other hand, you go to the surface world and fail to bring about the endtimes, you drop to the lowest rung of the ladder. Doesn't matter how cruel you are, or how close to succeeding you came to winning; you have just become the demonic equivalent of Jimmy Carter in the eyes of the fallen.
So now the First Evil was stuck in the 'hotel bar' ordering Bloody Marys (with actual blood) trying desperately to get drunk and take it's mind of it's problems. There was not much of a chance that was going to happen. For one thing, demons have a tolerance level for alcohol roughly twenty times that of a human being. For another, the bar was filled with demons who had also come close to ending the world but whose failure did not entail breaking the balance of good versus evil with evil getting the shaft in quite such a fashion. And since in certain levels of Hell you don't get HBO, they were looking and muttering at the First with real disapproval.
At the current moment, one of the more menacing fiends was fixing it with a particularly nasty stare. Considering what was looking at it, the impression was very unpleasant. It was clearly a vampire, but where most vampires can at least look human, no one would ever make that mistake with him. He had no hair and his face was so malformed and twisted, it looked very demonic. His fingers tapered off into claws. His teeth were fangs. He looked very menacing and would have sent some demonic forces scuttling off into the netherworld.
"The First? Huh? First of what? Of failures? Of dashed hopes? You know, for all the years that you spent preparing for your--" he made an unassuming gesture--- "whatever, you could have at least come up with a better title."
"Shut up, kid." The blond girl growled at the thing.
"Kid? Ah, very amusing. Since I'm only a thousand years old, I'm just a meddling youngster." A scowl appeared on his face, though it was hard to tell the difference from how it normally looked. "But then, right here and right now, you're the kid. I am still The Master."
"Yeah, and a great threat you were. Getting trapped in an interdimensional space and time for over a hundred years. You get out and get killed. Really big menace you were." It refused to look at him.
"Yes, but I managed to kill the Slayer."
"For five minutes."
"That's still better then you did. Did you even land a punch on her in that last fight? Or did you just wisp around and make ominous threats?" The First concentrated on the drink in front of it. "Really big shot you were. You may have been the First once, but here you're no better than any of us. In fact, I'd say you're lower than me."
"No. I invented darkness. I created evil. I am the---"
"Yeah, yeah, The ultimate power, the source,blah blah blah." The First turned towards the speaker. She appeared to be a young, tall, attractive woman in her late twenties. She looked very beautiful but there was something in her walk and talk that screamed power. "So you were the First Evil. Big frigging deal. I mean, I was once the god of another dimension, but you don't hear me harping on it all the time."
"Yes we do." The hellgod which had been known to Buffy as Glory whirled around to the Master.
"Excuuuuse me?"
"You've been here for Evil knows how long and all you keep saying is what a shitty place this is and that you wish you were back in your own dimension. Really, I'd cut off my own ears rather than listen to you yammer."
"First of all, cut off your ears. It might actually make you look better. Second of all, in case you hadn't noticed, this place SUCKS! I mean, Earth wasn't a bed of roses, but at least there I had minions and peoples whose brains I could suck and decent clothing. There isn't even a Prada around here, for crying out loud." Glory heaved a sigh. "Even for Hell, this place is a real shithole."
"Hey, hey, hey." Everybody looked at the new voice. It appeared to be an unassuming middle-aged man in a nice suit. His whole attitude seemed to suggest that he didn't belong here. And the smile that crossed his face REALLY seemed like he didn't fit here.But if any of the Scoobies had seen him they would have known to tread very carefully. They would have known that Richard Wilkins III was not a thing to be trifled with.
"Now I know that this isn't your home dimension, but there's no need to use that kind of language. I mean, what will the children think?" He chuckled. "Of course there aren't many children here, and those who are probably have heard that kind of talk, but that's still no reason for vulgarity."
"Somebody turn him off." said Glory.
"Well that's not very nice. Maybe you should take up a hobby; keep yourself occupied. When I was Mayor, I had one of the nicest coin collections, and man did it keep me calm whenever things got tense." He pondered this for a few moments. "Of course, most of them came from pocket change that I got from sacrifices, and most of the things around here only take Susan B. Anthony dollars, but still you have to do something to keep yourself from going crazy." He smiled. "Well, that ship may have sailed as well."
"You know, if we were back in my dimension, I wouldn't even bother to suck your brain.It's SO obvious that there's nothing there."
"Whoa. That's no way to respect your elders, young lady." The Mayor sounded a little hurt at being treated this way.
"Hello, ancient Hell god talking."
"Only in your dimension, dear. Here you're just a little kid."
"And so are you." Everyone turned to the new voice which came from a tall,dark-skinned and very beautiful woman--- especially considering that she had her face smashed in before joining this particular branch of the underworld.. There was a moment when even the First considered deferring but it quickly passed.
"None of you know how to appreciate your superiors. When you were merely puling about, I ruled whole worlds. Species fell at my feet. I was worshiped by all."
"Put a cork in it, Jasmine." The First Evil finally spoke. At first, it had been somewhat amused watching these former powers in the world of evil squabble among themselves. But now if was beginning to find all of this somewhat tiresome.
"You can all talk a good game. But the ugly truth --- and I'm talking to all of you, not just him" it indicated the Master "all struck out in the clutch." It continued to point. "You just got yourself killed five seconds after escaping." It shifted its glance to the Mayor. " You let your emotions get the better of you and got turned into snake food." It looked at Glory. "You spent four months trying to get home and you got snuffed by the Watcher before the proceedings commenced." Then finally, it shifted its glance towards Jasmine. "And you were the biggest disgrace of them all. I did everything in my power to see that you made it to the surface. All you had to do was get the world ready. And you failed because you let that damnable vampire get away. You may think that you're evil, but you all just sucked wind."
"As I recall, you were supposed to eliminate the Slayer four years ago and you couldn't pull that off." said the Mayor. "And you couldn't even get rid of Angel."
"Yeah, if you had done your job right I wouldn't have had any problem taking over that planet." said Jasmine.
"And as for my little failure to spread hell, if I hadn't 'failed', Buffy would never have died the second time and you could never have been brought back to the world." Glory had a smile on her face that did nothing to make her look better.
"The fact is you sucked even more wind than all of us put together." said the Master. "You may have brought out my ancestors and destroyed all the Watchers and killed as much of the Slayer Line. But when crunch time came, you fell like one of your minions. Now the forces of good are much stronger and our side is much weaker. You may have assumed our forms in order to try and win, but ultimately you couldn't utilize them any better than you could use---her."Or you going to feed some line of bullshit that this was all part of your master plan as well?"
All of these formerly strong forces of evil fixed the First with such withering stares that eventually even it had to look away. "No. I had not foreseen that."
"So, I ask yet again? What have you done to make you better than us?" As he spoke, the Master advanced towards it as if he was going to do some serious hurt.
But then the first turned and fixed the others with a smile that oozed evil. "Because, unlike all of you, I made some friends down here that still have some pull." Suddenly it turned and spoke. "Mr. Manners!"
For a few seconds---- which can be very long in a demon dimension--- nothing happened. Then a puff of smoke exploded. When it cleared, a middle- aged man in a business suit stood before him. Apart from the teeth marks around his neck, he looked no different then any other businessman you might find on the surface.
The others stood around somewhat surprised. The Mayor spoke first. "Holland, is that you?"
Holland Manners, former head of Special Projects at Wolfram and Hart, turned with a smile. "Richard! My word." The two men shook hands as if they had met at work. "How long has it been?"
"Oh, you know how time turns to smoke around here. " He smiled. "So, obviously you must have moved up a bit if you're able to float between dimensions like this."
"Well, you know upward mobility is not considered a good thing in our line of work."
"Don't I know it?" Both men laughed as if they were still young--- and had their souls.
"If I may interrupt you gentlemen." The First slowly pushed his way between the two friends. "Mr. Manners, how are things proceeding in the home office?"
"Well, we have been making adjustments. Obviously, we may not be able to operate out of the California branch for some time. And the global ramifications to our industry may not begin to see the true effect for years to come."
"I know this, Mr. Manners, get to the point."
"There are other global distortions that are vulnerable to our manipulations. IT will take some time, but we're already at work in Munich, Tokyo, and of course Cleveland. We expect that we will soon be able to resume operations."
The First smiled. "And the Slayer?"
"You'll have to be a lot more specific. Accounting has already detected the presence of over one hundred and fifty and those are just the ones who fit the specific age groups"
The First winced as the reality of the situation again hit it. "The ones who came from Sunnydale."
"AH. They have formed an alliance with our Los Angeles Office."
"WHAT?"
"Don't act so surprised. Mergers and Acquisitions said that there was a 45% chance of something like this happening. " said Holland calmly.
"And what are you planning to do about it?"
"Well the home office did make an agreement with the Angel Investigations team that we would have no contact with their Los Angeles office."
"You're just going to let them HAVE LA?"
"Are you suggesting that we violate our agreement?" Manners actually seemed offended by this. "Once Wolfram and Hart enters into an agreement. it will stand by it for the life of its holder." Manners gave a slow smile. "Of course, if outside factors should interfere with the aforementioned parties, then I believe we might be able to see around the aspects of the deal."
A smile appeared on the First's face as well. "Excellent. You will keep me abreast?"
"Of course, sir--- ma'am--- um is there any form of address that you would prefer?"
The First grimaced. "Seeing as I'm stuck in this particular form, I guess you had better call me 'Miss.'" A smile appeared. "Of course that will change when I can."
"Of course, Miss." Holland Manners disappeared in a puff of smoke. The other villains looked around shocked.
"What do you mean: 'change when you do?' As long as you're here, you're stuck like all of us." said Glory.
"Ah, but I do not intend to spend eternity with all of you. " The others took this in with a sense of shock that they had not believed they could have felt.
"But no one can return to the surface after they have been dispatched." Jasmine spoke. "WE've all tried, but..."
"Well, you're not the boss. You didn't invent the rules."The First gave a smile. "I'll admit that it will take some time and maneuvering, but I waited a thousand years for my first chance to retake the surface. I can certainly wait until the so called powers- that- be stop looking for me. And who knows, maybe if you treat me well, I might be convinced to take some of you back with me."
There was a moment as their villainous tendencies fought with their desire to remain strong. AT last, the Master spoke.
"You may have some tricks that you haven't played yet, but that doesn't change the fact that you are still dead and there isn't a force above that can bring you back." The others scowled and looked away from it.
"That might be true. But I'm not called the source of evil for nothing. There are back-routes and side routes that none of you can imagine. There are forces that I can utilize which no one would think of. And they may have a few more forces on the side of good, but evil has always been able to match good man for man and there's no reason we will stop now." It scowled. "They may think that they have won. But I will show them. In death, I will be triumphant."
In normal circumstances, the villain would normally break into diabolical laughter. But that was too cliche for the First. Instead, it merely smiled and ordered another drink.
Not knowing that even as it drank, a force that was invisible to all had seen and heard everything. And said the only thing that came to mind.
"Bollocks."
To BE Continued....
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth. AT least that's was Genesis says. In actuality, he made Earth first, then Hell. Heaven was something of an afterthought.
Since the beginning of the written word, Man has tried to figure out exactly what the nature of Heaven is. Because, let's face it, that's what they would like to look forward to. But since you need to have something to frighten children in order to scare them into doing good, they have also tried to describe what Hell is like.
Back in the days of the Old Testament, the Jews believed that when you died, regardless of your nature you went to a dark and unhappy place called Sheol. Later on, they said that the wicked were separated from the righteous and would be cast into a valley called Gehenna. Real barrel of laughs, the ancient Jews. But it was a good image, so the Christians and the Muslim co-opted it when they decided that they didn't want it anymore.
The Greeks, being slightly more inventive, came up with the idea that when the soul died it went to a neutral region called Hades. If you had been good, you went to the Elysian Fields. If you had been bad, you went to Tartarus. Now Hades was described as being drab and dull, but not necessarily painful--- the Cleveland of the underworld, let's say. But because Tartarus was located below Hades, many less literate Greeks eventually came to associate the downward journey with going to unending torment. Which just goes to show which of the other world dimensions has the better PR.
When the Christians came around, many of them believed that a just and loving God could never have created a place such as Hell.It was regulated to the realm of symbolism. That is why so many Christians fundamentalists die with a look of surprise on their face. They've just seen where that light at the end of the tunnel is coming from..
The Hindus and the Buddhists believe that a soul may descend to one of many hells if you were wicked but you stay only until the wicked karma's effect has been removed. They've never agreed on anything else since and they were wrong about that as well.
Around the fourteenth century a well meaning Italian named Aligheri changed the perception of hell. It was no longer bad enough just to go there; now it had sublevels based on HOW evil you had been. Of course,considering that one of the big no-no's was fornication, he did get a good description as to how busy the place was. Now he also described Purgatory and Paradise, but who reads that? The Inferno was an ordeal enough as it Is and it is for that we remember this Florentine who had a real twisted idea as to what a comedy was supposed to be.
A little later, a king named Henry got sick of being told who he could marry and who he could kill and decided to form a church of his own. Then a little known professor named Marty attached something to a church door not related to bake sales. This eventually led to a group of people redefining what it takes to eternally damn you. Then people who were wound tighter broke away from that branch. Then the people who found Calvinism to be too loose broke away from them. These people were so uptight that the English kicked them out. All of them seemed to agree that Hell was meant to be reserved for those who didn't believe in their god. Basically, it was Gehenna 2.0.
By the time they got to America, the idea of hellfire and damnation were very popular. Of course the Puritans were very surprised when they learned that the people they had stoned to death in the name of God were NOT in Hell and they were. AS America matured, however, people gradually became less and less concerned what Hell was like and more and more about material things like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Hell was left to the clergy, who gradually found themselves reduced to telling everybody once a week for an hour that they were going to suffer eternal damnation. There were some stuck up people who argued that alcohol lead to the devil and they were still on that sex-is-evil kick, but gradually people began to care less and less.
There were ,of course, exceptions. In the early part of the twentieth century, a decent (for a Frenchman)thinker came up with the novel idea that the worst kind of torture man could devise was his fellow human beings. Some other well-meaning writers came up with several variations on the same theme: that hell was repetition. And in the later part of the century, some very imaginative (some might consider them deranged) artists came up with concepts of the whole Hell concepts basically portraying two Hells: the metaphysical one and the one on Earth. They also suggested that perhaps the course of time had twisted Heaven to the point where it was playing by the same rules as the forces of evil. (Indeed,one portrayal was so accurate that many higher and lower beings considered suing Todd McFarlane for copyright infringement.)
All of these concepts are interesting but all of them seem to miss the point. At least if you have been trying to bring the proverbial 'Hell On Earth' about. We all know that Hell is a terrible place to live for the damned soul. But what is it like to live in if you have never had a soul? If you have always been damned.
Back in the 1930's a bright light among the mortals named Fred Allen said that "California is a great place to live--- if you're an orange." (For all his brilliance Allen is best known among the demon world as a fool. In 1926, a Heckla Demon-- known as being the most humorless of a species that doesn't possess much comedy to begin with--- offered long life and great fame to Allen in return for his soul and alteration of his material. Enraged, Allen said that HE would write his own jokes, and thus missed out on the opportunities offered to his fellow vaudevillian's George Burns, Bob Hope and Milton Berle.) Similarly, one might say that Hell is a great place to live--- if you're a demon. Of course, even the most patient demon gets bored after a few aeons. And when you possess the desire to spread evil across the Earth then Hell can be a very unpleasant place indeed.
To a demon, Hell is your typical neighborhood. The worse kind of monster that you are, the better Hell is for you. You live in the finest establishments, you eat only the purest babies, the whole nine yards--- sort of a Plaza Hotel with hot and hotter running brimstone. But even if you were staying in the luxury suite, when you're an evil mastermind not even the greatest trappings can appease you.
Which was one of the reasons that an evil so old that it had whispered in the ear of Cain was sitting at the juice bar of this particular satanic establishment feeling royally pissed off.
For one thing, it is a little known rule of shape-shifting demons sent to this demonic level of the underworld that you have to keep the form that you used the most while you were on the surface. In the case of the First Evil, that form was Buffy Summers. And while many of her former victims--- most of whom were staying in this building--- would attest that the Slayer was a formidable foe, compared to many of the other evils who were around here, she was a Barbie Doll.
For another thing, there is a pecking order of demons even in the underworld. When you're below the surface, if you are a really awesome big bad (to put it in terms a certain vampire known as William had been fond of using) people will stay out of your way and fall to your authority. If, on the other hand, you go to the surface world and fail to bring about the endtimes, you drop to the lowest rung of the ladder. Doesn't matter how cruel you are, or how close to succeeding you came to winning; you have just become the demonic equivalent of Jimmy Carter in the eyes of the fallen.
So now the First Evil was stuck in the 'hotel bar' ordering Bloody Marys (with actual blood) trying desperately to get drunk and take it's mind of it's problems. There was not much of a chance that was going to happen. For one thing, demons have a tolerance level for alcohol roughly twenty times that of a human being. For another, the bar was filled with demons who had also come close to ending the world but whose failure did not entail breaking the balance of good versus evil with evil getting the shaft in quite such a fashion. And since in certain levels of Hell you don't get HBO, they were looking and muttering at the First with real disapproval.
At the current moment, one of the more menacing fiends was fixing it with a particularly nasty stare. Considering what was looking at it, the impression was very unpleasant. It was clearly a vampire, but where most vampires can at least look human, no one would ever make that mistake with him. He had no hair and his face was so malformed and twisted, it looked very demonic. His fingers tapered off into claws. His teeth were fangs. He looked very menacing and would have sent some demonic forces scuttling off into the netherworld.
"The First? Huh? First of what? Of failures? Of dashed hopes? You know, for all the years that you spent preparing for your--" he made an unassuming gesture--- "whatever, you could have at least come up with a better title."
"Shut up, kid." The blond girl growled at the thing.
"Kid? Ah, very amusing. Since I'm only a thousand years old, I'm just a meddling youngster." A scowl appeared on his face, though it was hard to tell the difference from how it normally looked. "But then, right here and right now, you're the kid. I am still The Master."
"Yeah, and a great threat you were. Getting trapped in an interdimensional space and time for over a hundred years. You get out and get killed. Really big menace you were." It refused to look at him.
"Yes, but I managed to kill the Slayer."
"For five minutes."
"That's still better then you did. Did you even land a punch on her in that last fight? Or did you just wisp around and make ominous threats?" The First concentrated on the drink in front of it. "Really big shot you were. You may have been the First once, but here you're no better than any of us. In fact, I'd say you're lower than me."
"No. I invented darkness. I created evil. I am the---"
"Yeah, yeah, The ultimate power, the source,blah blah blah." The First turned towards the speaker. She appeared to be a young, tall, attractive woman in her late twenties. She looked very beautiful but there was something in her walk and talk that screamed power. "So you were the First Evil. Big frigging deal. I mean, I was once the god of another dimension, but you don't hear me harping on it all the time."
"Yes we do." The hellgod which had been known to Buffy as Glory whirled around to the Master.
"Excuuuuse me?"
"You've been here for Evil knows how long and all you keep saying is what a shitty place this is and that you wish you were back in your own dimension. Really, I'd cut off my own ears rather than listen to you yammer."
"First of all, cut off your ears. It might actually make you look better. Second of all, in case you hadn't noticed, this place SUCKS! I mean, Earth wasn't a bed of roses, but at least there I had minions and peoples whose brains I could suck and decent clothing. There isn't even a Prada around here, for crying out loud." Glory heaved a sigh. "Even for Hell, this place is a real shithole."
"Hey, hey, hey." Everybody looked at the new voice. It appeared to be an unassuming middle-aged man in a nice suit. His whole attitude seemed to suggest that he didn't belong here. And the smile that crossed his face REALLY seemed like he didn't fit here.But if any of the Scoobies had seen him they would have known to tread very carefully. They would have known that Richard Wilkins III was not a thing to be trifled with.
"Now I know that this isn't your home dimension, but there's no need to use that kind of language. I mean, what will the children think?" He chuckled. "Of course there aren't many children here, and those who are probably have heard that kind of talk, but that's still no reason for vulgarity."
"Somebody turn him off." said Glory.
"Well that's not very nice. Maybe you should take up a hobby; keep yourself occupied. When I was Mayor, I had one of the nicest coin collections, and man did it keep me calm whenever things got tense." He pondered this for a few moments. "Of course, most of them came from pocket change that I got from sacrifices, and most of the things around here only take Susan B. Anthony dollars, but still you have to do something to keep yourself from going crazy." He smiled. "Well, that ship may have sailed as well."
"You know, if we were back in my dimension, I wouldn't even bother to suck your brain.It's SO obvious that there's nothing there."
"Whoa. That's no way to respect your elders, young lady." The Mayor sounded a little hurt at being treated this way.
"Hello, ancient Hell god talking."
"Only in your dimension, dear. Here you're just a little kid."
"And so are you." Everyone turned to the new voice which came from a tall,dark-skinned and very beautiful woman--- especially considering that she had her face smashed in before joining this particular branch of the underworld.. There was a moment when even the First considered deferring but it quickly passed.
"None of you know how to appreciate your superiors. When you were merely puling about, I ruled whole worlds. Species fell at my feet. I was worshiped by all."
"Put a cork in it, Jasmine." The First Evil finally spoke. At first, it had been somewhat amused watching these former powers in the world of evil squabble among themselves. But now if was beginning to find all of this somewhat tiresome.
"You can all talk a good game. But the ugly truth --- and I'm talking to all of you, not just him" it indicated the Master "all struck out in the clutch." It continued to point. "You just got yourself killed five seconds after escaping." It shifted its glance to the Mayor. " You let your emotions get the better of you and got turned into snake food." It looked at Glory. "You spent four months trying to get home and you got snuffed by the Watcher before the proceedings commenced." Then finally, it shifted its glance towards Jasmine. "And you were the biggest disgrace of them all. I did everything in my power to see that you made it to the surface. All you had to do was get the world ready. And you failed because you let that damnable vampire get away. You may think that you're evil, but you all just sucked wind."
"As I recall, you were supposed to eliminate the Slayer four years ago and you couldn't pull that off." said the Mayor. "And you couldn't even get rid of Angel."
"Yeah, if you had done your job right I wouldn't have had any problem taking over that planet." said Jasmine.
"And as for my little failure to spread hell, if I hadn't 'failed', Buffy would never have died the second time and you could never have been brought back to the world." Glory had a smile on her face that did nothing to make her look better.
"The fact is you sucked even more wind than all of us put together." said the Master. "You may have brought out my ancestors and destroyed all the Watchers and killed as much of the Slayer Line. But when crunch time came, you fell like one of your minions. Now the forces of good are much stronger and our side is much weaker. You may have assumed our forms in order to try and win, but ultimately you couldn't utilize them any better than you could use---her."Or you going to feed some line of bullshit that this was all part of your master plan as well?"
All of these formerly strong forces of evil fixed the First with such withering stares that eventually even it had to look away. "No. I had not foreseen that."
"So, I ask yet again? What have you done to make you better than us?" As he spoke, the Master advanced towards it as if he was going to do some serious hurt.
But then the first turned and fixed the others with a smile that oozed evil. "Because, unlike all of you, I made some friends down here that still have some pull." Suddenly it turned and spoke. "Mr. Manners!"
For a few seconds---- which can be very long in a demon dimension--- nothing happened. Then a puff of smoke exploded. When it cleared, a middle- aged man in a business suit stood before him. Apart from the teeth marks around his neck, he looked no different then any other businessman you might find on the surface.
The others stood around somewhat surprised. The Mayor spoke first. "Holland, is that you?"
Holland Manners, former head of Special Projects at Wolfram and Hart, turned with a smile. "Richard! My word." The two men shook hands as if they had met at work. "How long has it been?"
"Oh, you know how time turns to smoke around here. " He smiled. "So, obviously you must have moved up a bit if you're able to float between dimensions like this."
"Well, you know upward mobility is not considered a good thing in our line of work."
"Don't I know it?" Both men laughed as if they were still young--- and had their souls.
"If I may interrupt you gentlemen." The First slowly pushed his way between the two friends. "Mr. Manners, how are things proceeding in the home office?"
"Well, we have been making adjustments. Obviously, we may not be able to operate out of the California branch for some time. And the global ramifications to our industry may not begin to see the true effect for years to come."
"I know this, Mr. Manners, get to the point."
"There are other global distortions that are vulnerable to our manipulations. IT will take some time, but we're already at work in Munich, Tokyo, and of course Cleveland. We expect that we will soon be able to resume operations."
The First smiled. "And the Slayer?"
"You'll have to be a lot more specific. Accounting has already detected the presence of over one hundred and fifty and those are just the ones who fit the specific age groups"
The First winced as the reality of the situation again hit it. "The ones who came from Sunnydale."
"AH. They have formed an alliance with our Los Angeles Office."
"WHAT?"
"Don't act so surprised. Mergers and Acquisitions said that there was a 45% chance of something like this happening. " said Holland calmly.
"And what are you planning to do about it?"
"Well the home office did make an agreement with the Angel Investigations team that we would have no contact with their Los Angeles office."
"You're just going to let them HAVE LA?"
"Are you suggesting that we violate our agreement?" Manners actually seemed offended by this. "Once Wolfram and Hart enters into an agreement. it will stand by it for the life of its holder." Manners gave a slow smile. "Of course, if outside factors should interfere with the aforementioned parties, then I believe we might be able to see around the aspects of the deal."
A smile appeared on the First's face as well. "Excellent. You will keep me abreast?"
"Of course, sir--- ma'am--- um is there any form of address that you would prefer?"
The First grimaced. "Seeing as I'm stuck in this particular form, I guess you had better call me 'Miss.'" A smile appeared. "Of course that will change when I can."
"Of course, Miss." Holland Manners disappeared in a puff of smoke. The other villains looked around shocked.
"What do you mean: 'change when you do?' As long as you're here, you're stuck like all of us." said Glory.
"Ah, but I do not intend to spend eternity with all of you. " The others took this in with a sense of shock that they had not believed they could have felt.
"But no one can return to the surface after they have been dispatched." Jasmine spoke. "WE've all tried, but..."
"Well, you're not the boss. You didn't invent the rules."The First gave a smile. "I'll admit that it will take some time and maneuvering, but I waited a thousand years for my first chance to retake the surface. I can certainly wait until the so called powers- that- be stop looking for me. And who knows, maybe if you treat me well, I might be convinced to take some of you back with me."
There was a moment as their villainous tendencies fought with their desire to remain strong. AT last, the Master spoke.
"You may have some tricks that you haven't played yet, but that doesn't change the fact that you are still dead and there isn't a force above that can bring you back." The others scowled and looked away from it.
"That might be true. But I'm not called the source of evil for nothing. There are back-routes and side routes that none of you can imagine. There are forces that I can utilize which no one would think of. And they may have a few more forces on the side of good, but evil has always been able to match good man for man and there's no reason we will stop now." It scowled. "They may think that they have won. But I will show them. In death, I will be triumphant."
In normal circumstances, the villain would normally break into diabolical laughter. But that was too cliche for the First. Instead, it merely smiled and ordered another drink.
Not knowing that even as it drank, a force that was invisible to all had seen and heard everything. And said the only thing that came to mind.
"Bollocks."
To BE Continued....