Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

by David305

In 2002, while awaiting the 5th book, we all conjectured on the meaning of the title "Order of the Phoenix." I devised 12 Ficlets, in 7 Chapters: far-fetched puns based on the fifth book title! In amazed response to the continued pestering of kind readers, my wandering brain found another, #12. Hope you enjoy.

6. On the High Seas ficlet 11

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Parody Ficlet #11

On the High Seas

Captain McPhee of HMS Phoenix was burstingly proud of his vessel.

"Aye, mateys, she's the fastest ship, magical or muggle, in the world! When the magical generators are fully charged, she can reach 120 knots! But they're tricky, and when they're down we have to rely on diesel turbines."

"Oh, and how fast can they go?" asked Hermione, enjoying the breeze and salt spray.

"Well, when both are running we can skim along at nearly 40 knots. If one is down, perhaps 25-30. But if both are down, we have to hoist the sails."

"Really!" said Ron, his robes whipping in the wind. And what's her speed under sail?"

"Never more'n 18 knots," the captain frowned. "And if she's becalmed, there's only one thing left to do."

"What's that?" asked Harry, standing nimbly on the rolling deck with Mabel perched on his shoulder.

"The Phoenix has 20 little holes from fore to aft, on both sides. If we're becalmed, and all other forms of locomotion have failed us, we have these long oars. We then have to call upon all our crew and passengers to pitch in until we can find a breeze. With two on each oar, 80 men rowing, we can get up to four or five knots."

"I don't see any holes," said Harry, looking down the starboard side.

"Well, lad, we only open 'em when we need 'em! They're covered by little doors that stay latched. When we have to use 'em, we unlatch 'em and open the door and stick out the oar."

"Ah, I see!" Said Harry, winking at Hermione. And do you call one of these ...

The Oar-Door of the Phoenix?"

"No... no... NOOOOOO!" Ron screamed, and jumped overboard.

Lucky the captain had his wand handy! He levitated Ron before he could hit the water, and mobilicorpused him right into sick bay. "Lousy landlubbers," he muttered, shaking his head.

END