Everything else, though, warped beyond recognition though they may be, belong to JKR. Not me. And after reading this this, you'll be very glad for that fact.
Much Ado About Nothing
Young Harry Potter (THE BOY WHO LIVED) was sad. It was a miserable summer. The Durlseys had built a 1,000 foot orange concrete wall all around his room and put big thick bars on his window. Uncle Vernon went insane and beat him every day with a chainsaw and a yellow bandana.
Dumbledore was busy helping poor Muggles escape from possessed flying monkeys and couldn't help him. Harry had bad dreams every night about Voldemort killing people. His scar hurt. Ron was on vacation in Yugoslavia with his one true love, Hermione, and they were busy alternating between arguing and getting it on all the time. (The author would like to take this time to interrupt and inform you that she will not go into the details of their romance because they are FIFTEEN and smut at that age is disgusting and unnecessary. Thank you.)
So Harry Potter was miserable. He went from sad to miserable in two paragraphs because the author said so, so don't complain or she will beat you over the head with a yellow bandana.
Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus convinced everyone Dumbledore told them to contact that Sirius was innocent just by showing up once at their houses and saying hi. However, they were worried about Harry because the owl they sent came back with very messy feathers, lipstick all over its face and unable to fly in a straight line. It woke up the next morning with a horrible headache and screeched at anyone that walked too loudly. They decided not to ask.
But they were very anxious because it was obvious the owl had never reached Harry, because it brought no letter, and unless Harry was developing some weird fetish for owls and lipstick, something was very wrong. Of course it could be argued that there was something very wrong either way, but...never mind. The author has forgotten the point.
Even more meanwhile, Miss Elenoria Lily Salina Emily Rose Fliallae was waking up in America. "Holy shit!" she gasped, because all stereotypical Americans curse horribly, as her perfect eyes opened. "What the fuck is an owl doing outside my window!" She got up, not groggy at all - because she was perfect - and read the letter.
"Oh my God!" she gasped, "I'm going to Hogwarts!" She paused a minute, and blinked her perfect eyelashes. "What the hell is Hogwarts?" Since she did not know, she gasped once more. "Oh, shit. I haven't put my make-up on yet! I look terrible!" Of course this was a lie because she was a Mary Sue and when she woke up she looked "adorably tousled" rather than "greasy and smelly," but she pretended not to know this so she wouldn't seem stuck-up. Anyway, she raced to the bathroom to...er..."enhance" her "natural beauty." (cough)
Meanwhile again, Sirius was flying his motorcycle across England because he was horribly worried about his godson and as everyone knows, that is a very very bad thing. So, because the author is lazy, he flew straight to Harry's house, turned the Dursleys into one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eaters (it wasn't much of a change) and saved Harry from their horrible clutches. Harry was eternally grateful, after reassuring them that he did not have a fetish for owls, and the author will now add a slightly sickening scene to show his gratitude.
"Sirius! You're the best!" Harry cried, flinging himself at his godfather to give him a huge hug.
"Thank you, I know," Sirius said happily. Who wouldn't want their favorite godson in their arms?
Remus rolled his eyes. "Grow up," he told Sirius.
"NOOOOOO!" whined Sirius, not letting go of Harry. "You're just jealous," he said smugly, in the author's lame attempt to be funny and write Sirius vaguely in character.
"Whatever."
"Talk to the hand girlfriend," Sirius said, holding up the hand that wasn't hugging Harry. Harry meanwhile was trying to suffocate Sirius, though not on purpose of course.
"Whatever," Remus said again, snapping his fingers like a valley girl. He then went happily along with his business of watering plants, cuz that's what the author feels like making him do.
Now we will return to The Life of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. Harry had a wonderful happy life with Sirius and Remus, but he was still glad to go back to Hogwarts.
He was a little surprised when Ron and Hermione, who had both suddenly grown stunningly gorgeous, seemed to be attached at the lips (when they weren't fighting and hexing each other), but it was no matter until they started making out in the train without him. Not that he wanted to be part of it. So he was feeling a little left out when suddenly he saw the woman of his dreams walking towards him.
--It is now time for a boring Mary Sue description. If, like the author, you are up at 2 am in the morning reading this, the author would like to advise you to skp this horrendous paragraph and read the one after it. If you have a strong stomach for this kind of thing and think you can stand it, read on, brave soldier. We now return to our feature presentation.--
She had beautiful long jet black hair and gorgeous violet eyes, even though having violet eyes is damn near impossible and looks really weird. She was the sexiest thing on the train because she was wearing skin tight pants and a tube top was small enough to show her belly button and that said "sexy," so of course she was sexy, simply because her shirt said she was. Even though she was only fifteen years old, that did not change the fact that she had boobs bigger than those of most 25-year-olds and an ass that made all the guys stare. Because, of course, no guy would EVER like a girl that wasn't perfectly proportioned. She must be stunningly beautiful or Harry would never even glance at her. Duh.
This being the case, it was no surprise that Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head at the sight of her. "I wonder who that girl is?" he thought, "There's no way she's a first year, and I've never seen her here before." But he did not say anything because she was already in the next compartment by now.
Just at this moment, DRACO MALFOY --insert DUN DA DUN DUN music-- walked into the compartment, along with his goons, Crabbe and Goyle --insert much softer, slower whothehellcares? dun da dun dun music.-- Draco made a few mean remarks that somehow hint at the plot of this totally plotless story, then left. Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
Then, ALL OF A SUDDEN --insert suspensful music--, the train...ARRIVED AT HOGWARTS! --loud gasps from the audience-- This is simply because there was nothing else to happen on the train, so the author made it arrive because she is all powerful and was bored of the train scene.
As Harry, Ron and Hermione (who had finally stopped making out and were back to yelling at each other) boarded their carriage, Harry looked over his shoulder and saw the girl standing with the first years. She was still wearing her horrifying regular clothes, unlike all the other first years. Harry wondered about that momentarily before the carriage took off.
While in the carriage, the three friends had a nice conversation about their summer vacations and how Voldemort had killed a lot of Muggles and a toad (poor toad) over the summer. They pondered this evil for a while, then talked about other stuff until they reached Hogwarts.
During the Sorting Ceremony, the entire Great Hall was kind enough to stare openly at the strange girl Harry had seen before. She smiled pleasantly at everyone, and didn't even appear nervous (because, as I've said a million times, she was perfect).
A hush fell over the Hall when McGonagall called her name and put the hat on her. Everyone was staring at her, hoping breathlessly that she would be in their house.
"Oh, very difficult," a voice was saying next to her ear...not that the Hall could hear it, of course. "How did an idiot like you ever become a witch?"
She giggled inwardly. "I don't know! Isn't it amazing? Like, English schools are WAY cooler than..."
"All right, enough," the Sorting Hat snapped. "Well, let's see...you could be in Slytherin..."
"No! Don't you know? I'm supposed to be in Gryffindor! That's like, my destiny! I couldn't be anywhere else! And besides, that Harry Potter is so hot..." Elenoria Lily Salina Emily Rose Fliallae did not cuss in her thoughts, because...yeah, you guessed it...she was perfect. (gag)
The Hat sighed. "Fine. Have it your way. I'm sick of being on your head and you're so stupid you'll probably be dead by the end of the year anyway. GRYFFINDOR!"
The Gryffindor table erupted with cheers, especially from the guys. She smiled, took the hat off and walked over to sit down.
Dumbledore stood up and made announcements about how Miss Elenoria Lily Salina Emily Rose Fliallae was America and would be staying there as an exchange student, even though no one else had been exchanged. In the meantime, she flirted with Harry and Harry tried not to drool.
Then classes started, and because this is really long and pointless, the author will cut to the chase. Harry was a little shocked when he found out Ginny and Draco were dating, but it was ok cuz he was madly in love with Elenoria (her name is too damn long to type out every time).
Elenoria charmed all the professors, including Snape and Filch so she could get away with murder and no one would care. But all the time it seemed like she was hiding something. (Her third eye...kidding. I think. I don't really know where I'm going with this yet.) None knew what it was. However it was very obvious to everyone but the characters in the story because the author was very bad at giving subtle hints. Like this one: SHE WAS VOLDEMORT'S MINION YOU DUMBASSES.
You can see what I mean.
Meanwhile, in Voldemort's evil lair, Voldie (his name is too long, too) and his pathetic slave Wormie (ditto) were evilly plotting evil things. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Voldie, "I AM EVILLY PLOTTING EVIL THINGS!"
"Squeak," said Wormie, "So am I!" See?
"We must kill Harry Potter this time, Wormie," said Voldie evilly.
"And how do you plan to do this, Master?" Wormie squeaked evilly, because the author was too unimaginitive to have him "reply," "ask," or "say." At least this isn't one of those stories where everyone "states" all the time. God, those are awful.
"DO YOU DOUBT MY POWERS!" roared Voldie evilly.
"No, of course not, Master," Wormie squeaked evilly.
"ALL RIGHT THEN." Voldie settled down evilly. "We will use THE FORCE!"
"What?" squeaked Wormie evilly, "I don't understand, Master."
"The author is a little high at the moment, Wormie," stated--I mean, said--Voldie evilly, "Don't worry, it'll pass."
"Oh, all right, Master," squeaked Wormie evilly, "Is that why we're talking evilly?"
"No, we do that because we're evil, Wormie," said Voldie evilly.
"Works for me, Master," squeaked Wormie evilly, as the readers tried to murder the author for making him so damn two-dimensional. "So what is our plan?"
"Oh...I'm just going to use a little...tool of mine, Wormie," said Voldie evilly.
"And who would that be, Master?" squeaked Wormie evilly.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," said Voldie evilly, because laughing like that is REALLY fun. In fact, it was so fun that he did it again. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," said Voldie again, evilly, "You shall see, Wormie."
"Oh, all right," squeaked Wormie evilly.
"Laugh with me, Wormie!" said Voldie evilly. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Master!" laughed Wormie evilly as the readers let out a breath of relief that he had stopped squeaking for the moment.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldie agreed evilly.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they laughed together, evilly, along with the author, who joined them because it's fun.
Meanwhile, Harry Potter woke up, clutching his scar and wondered what the hell was going on. (He had picked up a few curse words from Miss Mary Sue.) He didn't go to Dumbly-dorr, however, cuz he was too lazy. (He learned that from the Mary Sue, too.) As you can see, Elenoria was a bad influence on him. But that was only because SHE WAS VOLDEMORT'S MINION DUMBASSES the author was trying to give "subtle hints" to allude to her "mysterious past."
He didn't even say anything at the next Order of the Phoenix meeting (because this fic was written before OotP and the author was too lazy to change it). In fact, he just went along happily with his life until...
THE ATTACK! --insert loud gasps and fainting--
Yes, my friends, there was an attack on Hogwarts. Voldie kidnapped Elenoria BECAUSE SHE WAS HIS MINION DUMBASSES and lured Harry out of the castle. Ron and Hermione came with him, of course. Then the Death eaters stormed Hogwarts.
Meanwhile, Voldie was talking to Elenoria. "I've got you now, my pretty..."
Elenoria stared. "Ummmmmm..."
"Ahem," said Voldie (evilly), "Sorry about that. How have you been doing?"
"Don't talk to me like that, you asshole," Elenoria snapped, wishing she could slap him. However, her arms were tied behind her back. Instead, she spat in his face, 'cause she's just cool like that. (gag)
"I'LL SAVE YOU, FAIR LADY!" Harry yelled suddenly, dashing into the clearing of the Forbidden Forest (even though it is highly probable that there is no such thing as a clearing in the Forbidden Forest) that Voldie was in. Ron and Hermione followed, feeling slightly left out.
Voldie turned around, wiping spit off his face, and sneered. "Oh, look," he said evilly, "It's HP and the Sunshine Band."
"..." said everyone else.
"Sorry," said Voldie evilly. I have GOT to stop doing that, he thought. "I meant, hello, Harry Potter," he said in a slimy voice (evilly).
Everyone relaxed and Harry sweated and shivered a little. "What do you want, Voldie?"
"I should kill you for calling me that, but I won't because the author won't let me," Voldie informed him evilly.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Thanks ever so," he said sarcastically, "What do you want?"
"You, Harry Potter," hissed Voldie evilly.
"I might have known," Harry said dryly. "LET ELENORIA GO!"
"LET MY PEOPLE GO!" agreed Ron loudly.
"POWER TO THE PURPLE PEOPLE!" Hermione added.
At this point, everyone broke down into uncontrollable laughter because they simply couldn't take it anymore. Then they went back to the story.
"You fools," hissed Voldie evilly, "You cannot have her. She is mine...all mine!"
Harry gasped, even though what Voldie said made absolutely no sense. "Is this true, Elenoria?"
Elenoria's (perfect) eyes overflowed with tears. "Yes, Harry," she said shakily, "He...he bound me to him when I was a baby!" She noticed the look on his face and broke down into sobs. "I'm so sorry, Harry! I didn't mean for him to catch me! I love you!"
"Aw, how touching," said Voldie evilly, "BUT YOU'RE MINE NOW! AND MY MINIONS ARE AT THIS MOMENT ATTACKING THAT FOOL DUMBLY-DORR!"
"No!" gasped Harry.
"YES!" Voldie told him evilly, "I WILL KILL YOU AND FORCE YOU TO LIVE A NEVER ENDING LIFE WITH ME AND A SIX FOOT PURPLE LIZARD NAMED KIM SINGING...BRITNEY SPEARS SONGS!"
The readers all winced at the author's horribly cheap plug. The author blushed in shame and went to continue writing the next chapter of VOLDIE'S KARAOKE READ IT TODAY!
Harry stared in shock, then screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Voldie.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" his minions joined in (there were a few with him to make sure no one got away).
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the author.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said everyone together, including Ron and Hermione.
Harry stared at them in shock.
"Sorry, Harry," said Ron lightly, "We've gone over to Voldie."
"Aw, damn," said Harry.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" everyone said again.
While they were all laughing evilly, Harry somehow managed to untie Elenoria. "Thanks, Harry," she whispered.
"No problem," Harry said goofily.
"BEHOLD!" Elenoria bellowed suddenly. Everyone stopped laughing evilly and stared in shock.
"LUKE...I AM YOUR FATHER," said Voldie randomly (and evilly). Everyone glared at him. "Ehehehe...sorry..." he said (evilly), and shut up.
"ARE YOU QUITE DONE!" roared Elenoria.
"Yes, ma'am."
"GOOD. BEHOLD YOUR DOOM!" she pointed at the sky and a big purple Phoenix named Bob flew out of the sky.
"Bob!" gasped Harry as the Phoenix landed on his shouler.
Voldie laughed loudly and evilly. "YOU THINK A BIG PURPLE PHOENIX NAMED BOB CAN SAVE YOU? HA!"
Harry grinned wickedly. "Yes, actually. BOB! TRANSFORM!"
Bob transformed himself into The Giant Purple Robot of Doom. Everyone stared at it in shock and then abruptly began singing the Doom Song.
"Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom..." sang everybody.
Then..."Attack," Harry ordered.
A few minutes and explosions later, there was nothing left but guts spilled all over the forest floor, except for Ron and Hermione who were left untouched. Harry glared coldly at them.
Ron was shivering. "Is it over?" he asked shakily.
"Not for you, it isn't."
"WAIT! Don't, Harry!" Hermione screamed, running up to him and grabbing him around the legs. She looked up at him. "We were under the Imperius curse! Don't kill us, please don't!" she sobbed, using the lamest and most shallow plot twist ever.
Harry shrugged. "All right, we'll ask Dumbly-dorr if you're telling the truth."
"OH MY GOD! THE CASTLE!" Elenoria screamed suddenly.
"OH SHIT!" Harry agreed. They took off at top speed, but luckily everything turned out to be all right because all of Voldie's minions spontaneously combusted as soon as Voldie died.
Including Draco Malfoy, so Ginny was single again. Just so you know.
Unfortunately, this had one unpleasant (sort of) side effect.
"I'm sorry, Harry," said Dumbledore, as everyone met in his office, "But do you realize what this means?"
"No, sir," said Harry.
"Well, as you know, Miss Elenoria Lily Salina Emily Rose Fliallae (yes, I did have to look up her name) was bound to Voldie ever since she was a baby."
"Yeah..." said Harry, who was being dumb and not understanding Dumbledore.
"Well, that means she's one of his minions, too."
"NO!" Harry screamed, staring in shock at Elenoria. "But-but-she doesn't WANT to be one of--"
"I'm sorry, Harry, but it doesn't matter. She has not exploded yet because she's been fighting that curse, but she will."
At this point Miss Elenoria Lily Salina Emily Rose Fliallae caused a slight disturbance by spontaneously combusting.
"Yeah, see?" said Dumbly-dorr. I mean, Dumbledore. Sorry. Habit.
"Nooooooo..." wailed Harry miserably, running to the spot where Elenoria had been and sobbing uncontrollably.
"It's all right, Harry," Hermione comforted him, "You'll find someone else."
At this point, Harry happened to look up and see Ginny, who had of course grown stunningly beautiful. "Um, hi Ginny..."
Needless to say, they fell madly in love soon afterwards because the author hopelessly ships H/G.
Harry went back to live with Sirius, who had been cleared of all charges against him since he had proved he was innocent by not spontaneously combusting when all the other minions did.
Cornelius Fudge was kidnapped by the author, torn into a million thousand pieces and hung out on the clothesline to dry/die.
And everyone lived happily ever after, even though Harry still had two more years left at Hogwarts and things were supposed to happen during them...but they didn't because the author just screwed up the entire story that JKR created.
AAAAAAAAAND NOW, THE TIME YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...THE END