Disclaimer: I am in no way connected to Dawson's Creek and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: This is a D/J fic set after the final episode with the alternating POV's of Joey, Pacey, and Dawson
Rating: R for language and some sexual situations.
Body And Soul
Chapter Fifteen A
Joey
As I walk up to the steps of the Leery, or Gifford or whatever, house I feel almost childish. I mean that in the best sense. I feel exited, anxious for the party and friends and food and conversation. Hopefully things won't be too tense. I told Pacey about my talk with Dawson. I had debated telling him. I knew that I probably had a long time before Pacey and I had to have the Dawson conversation. Technically nothing has happened and Pacey and I aren't dating anymore. It should be a non-issue, really. But it is an issue. I love Pacey in my own way and he deserves my honesty.
Pacey and I had sat down in our first real face to face meeting since the breakup. I had stopped by his restaurant after hours and he had fixed me dinner. I miss his cooking. I told him about how I still loved Dawson and that Dawson had said he loved me. The only part that surprised him was that I was waiting before beginning a relationship this time.
"So it's for real this time, Jo?" he had said to me.
I could only nod my head and for some reason that I'm still unsure of I blushed a little bit. Pacey laughed a little when he saw me blush and said, "It's for real." He didn't sound sad or angry – just slightly amused – and resigned.
"Are you okay?" I had asked him. So much had been encompassed in that one question. How are you doing day to day? Are you falling apart? Are you spending your days pining after me? Do you want to kill Dawson?
"I'm getting there," he had said, somber. "I just may be there sooner than I think."
"Andie?" I couldn't resist asking.
"She has been a help," Pacey reluctantly admitted. I could tell he was surprised but didn't ask how I knew that he was spending time with her. "Actually she's been invaluable."
I wanted to ask if there was more than that but I couldn't. I don't think that Pacey and I are on that level where we can talk freely about everything. Someday I hope that we are. Actually I know that we will be. Someday this time will become the past and like my high school and college years will recede into fond memory. When we look back we won't think about who hurt who and left who first. All we will remember is that we were there for each other in a way that would have made Jen proud.
"Do you think he's here yet?" Bessie whispers as we knock.
"Who?" I whisper back. She's either referring to Pacey or Dawson; I'm just not sure which one.
"Daw-son," she gushes. I told her everything when I asked if I could stay with her while on hiatus. I told her about therapy, Pacey, and Dawson.
Bessie said that she wasn't surprised. As much as she loves Pacey she has thought that Dawson and I belong together since before we even dated. When I asked her why she didn't tell me that she said she had her reasons. One, I didn't want to hear it. Two, she thought it wasn't her place to say who I should date. And three, Bessie thought that I should probably figure it out for myself.
I just shrug my shoulders as if I don't know if he's there yet or not. Actually Dawson and Audrey should be here in two to three hours. Their plane is supposed to land in about forty minutes. I told him to call when the plane lands.
"Bessie! Joey! Bodie!" Gale announces as she envelops us into a hug. Alex has been here all day but I can't spot he or Lily in the crowd.
That was enough to bring a mass of people rushing to us. It looks as if all of Capeside is here tonight. There are people here that I haven't seen since the last time Gale had a Christmas party, my senior year in college.
Now it seems that party has almost taken on mythic proportions. That was the year that Dawson and I got piss ass drunk and almost had sex. We were well on our way when Gale walked in on us. Not only did she walk in on us she let out a small shriek that sent Jen and Pacey running to find out what was wrong, so they saw us half naked too. There was the inevitable fallout between Dawson and I. He had said he wanted to get back together and I said that what happened was a mistake. I knew it wasn't a mistake. I was just afraid of moving backward when college would be ending soon and my life was moving forward. Just another near miss in the continuing saga of Dawson and Joey.
And then there were the other fallouts. Gale told Bessie, so I was barraged all of break with teasing comments combined with a pro-Dawson rally every morning at breakfast. Her and Bodie could lay it on pretty thick. Somehow even my Dad found out and joined the pro-Dawson faction that was the Potter B&B.
Then there was Audrey who told me to go for it while I was still in college. She said that once I entered the real world anything could happen and we might miss our shot. I told her that was my point. Why should we even bother when in a few short months my life would be taking a completely different direction? I was scared as hell and I didn't tell Audrey that.
The next morning Dawson said that he found Jen and Pacey in the guestroom in their underwear. Both claimed both separately and together that nothing happened. I don't know, I guess I believed them. In our circle a secret can't stay secret for very long.
Jack was in Europe with Andie but he found out fairly quickly. He called me two days later for the scoop. Jack said that the both of them were probably just feeling a little depressed about not having a significant other for the holiday season. Seeing Dawson and I in that situation probably just brought those feelings to the surface. They both just drank a little too much and passed out.
I know that it was probably a little more than that on Pacey's part. About two weeks before he had came to visit me and Audrey at Worthington and was going to bring us home for the break. He confessed to me that he still had feelings for me and he kissed me. Well, I did kiss him back – a little. The next day I told him that we probably shouldn't go down that path again. Pacey told me to take Christmas vacation to think about it.
I didn't need any more time to think about it, but I didn't protest. I just didn't say anything. So I can imagine that Pacey was probably more than a little hurt when he saw Dawson and I together while he assumed that I was thinking over the possibility of a Joey/Pacey reconciliation. He never called me on it though. Pacey never mentioned seeing Dawson and I in bed. He never asked why Dawson and I weren't together. He never asked why I didn't want to be with him. Pacey never called me on any of my actions that break.
Jen called me on it though, per usual. Not right then, I think it was at her New Years party. She told me to take a look at my life and see what was missing. And if I was scared about what I wanted, I should be. She said the best things in life sometimes have the power to paralyze you with fear. Jen also told me that Pacey had told her the whole story when they were drunk. She said it was time that I stop jerking Dawson and Pacey around. If I wanted to be with one of them, I should. And if I didn't want either of them then I should let them go completely while they still had a chance at love. Why is it only now that I'm able to take advice that Jen gave me about four years ago?
I've been so lost in my thoughts that I have hardly noticed the people coming up to me.
"Jack," I say as I give him a hug. "Where's Amy?"
"With Doug, Alex, and Lily." He smiles. "Doug is telling Alex and Lily that he can track Santa's sleigh using police tracking equipment."
"But Christmas Eve isn't even until tomorrow," I laugh handing my coat to Gale's husband.
"I know," Jack says with an almost evil twinkle in his eye. Those kids will be so wound up they won't be able to sleep until New Year's day."
"Just you wait," I say anticipating Alex bouncing off the walls when we get home. "When it's Amy's turn I have a feeling you'll be in for some long nights."
"I look forward to it," he says. You know I really believe that he does. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't get upset about Jen tonight. I know that she wouldn't want that. But things like that are harder said than done when suddenly I'm seeing her everywhere.
She should be here playing with her daughter, exchanging gifts and snarky comments with Jack, laughing when Pacey tells her a joke. I can almost see her weaving through the crowd, a drink in her hand. Briefly she pauses at a conversation. She must have said something funny because everyone is laughing now. She moves on and gives Dawson a kiss on the cheek. She told me once that she always thought of him as the one that got away.
I can't do this now, not with Jack here and happy. It must be a million times harder for him to be putting on a good face. If he can do it, I can do it.
"What's this?" he says trying to take the dish that I brought.
"These are for Dawson," I say as I playfully slap his hand away. "Bessie made some white chocolate cranberry bars that look pretty good."
"No fair,' he pouts. "Dawson gets a special dish and I don't."
"Yeah, well it's an inside joke. Plus I brought you a present," I say gesturing to the bag that Bodie is carrying. "And you won't believe what I got for Amy. It's darling."
"Forgiven," Jack says with a smile. I really don't think I was ever in that much trouble with him.
"How are you?" he asks. I know by the look on his face he doesn't just mean in general. By now he knows the whole story as well. I'm sure that everyone probably does.
"Better," I say truthfully. "Better everyday."
"Good," he says as he rubs my shoulder a little. "I'm glad. I really am." I know that he is.
"Thanks," I smile a small smile. "I know that you are."
"Andie's here," he says happily. "She was able to get most of the week off!"
"That's great. I know how tough it is for her to get time off."
"Well you know how persistent Andie can be when she sets her sights on something." We both laugh lightly at the truth behind these words,
"Where is she?" I ask craning my head, expecting her to be rushing towards me.
"On the back porch," he says and then pauses for a moment. "With Pacey," Jack quietly adds.
"Oh," I let the sound escape from my mouth. If I said I didn't feel a tiny bit jealous I would be lying.
"It's not what you're thinking," Jack says quickly.
"I know, I know," I say with a wave of my hand, almost physically dismissing the possibility. "But if it were what I was thinking," I almost whisper. "I wouldn't stand in his way."
"I know," Jack says with a sad tone, his mouth turned up at one side. "What about Dawson?"
"He said he would call when his plane lands." I know that wasn't the answer that Jack was looking for. I'm just not sure how to define what Dawson and I have in words.
"You know that's not what I meant," he says softly and sternly. He touches my chin and I smile.
With a nod of my head I gesture for us to move to an empty room. This isn't the sort of discussion that should be had while standing in the Leery foyer.
"I'm sure that you probably know most of the details by now."
"Just the basics," he says. "Pacey and you broke up over irreconcilable differences, you and Dawson seem to be friendlier, yet still platonic, and Pacey has been driving to Boston every other day."
"Has he really been going there every other day?" I ask. I knew he was going a lot but Pacey and I didn't even see each other that much when we were dating.
"Well," Jack concedes. "Not that much. Weekends and if he has business there, you know."
"Yeah," I sigh. "I know."
There's a long pause and I know that Jack wants me to say something about Dawson.
"I told him that I'm still in love with him," I finally say. It's still strange to verbalize to someone else after all this time. How long has it been since I admitted that?
"What did he say?"
"That he loves me too," I can't help but smile and look down as I say it. I'm almost embarrassed, almost.
"Then" Jack trails off. I know that he wants to ask why, if we love each other, are we still apart.
"I just need some time to work on myself for a while, ya know?"
Jack just nods and takes a sip of his Carona.
"It would turn to shit if we both just jumped in heart first. I have a lot to sort out."
"And he agreed to wait?"
"Not exactly," I admit, somewhat uneasy. "He said he couldn't promise that when I was done with what I wanted to do that he would be the person that I needed him to be. I mean we'll always have our friendship, but he can't promise that waiting will work out the way we want it to."
Jack is silent as he contemplates the words. I like that about Jack, he's great to talk to. He listens and usually has sound advice.
"Just don't wait too long," he says before getting up to go.
Pacey
I'm not sure why, but Andie is hiding out with me. Usually she would be the life of the party; talking, laughing, insisting that we sing Christmas carols. For some reason she appears to be content to keep a low profile with me.
I'm just not in the mood for Christmas this year. In fact I'm dreading it. It just seems like so much has happened and I can't catch up. Last year I was in New York for Christmas. Grams made a spectacular Christmas dinner. Jen was radiant. She was so excited for Amy's first Christmas. She kept taking pictures like crazy. Pictures she'll never see again. I had managed to drag Doug up with me and he and Jack spent the whole time getting to truly know one another. And me, I spent a great deal of the day playing with Amy, mostly in an attempt to avoid that prick, Chris, who couldn't keep his hands off of Joey's ass.
Now I can see Amy chasing after Lily and Alex, franticly trying to keep up. Her chubby little Flintstones feet pattering and her mess of blonde curls bobbing. Her Christmas dress is already rumpled and has a stain across the front, the sash bounces wildly behind her. That little girl is truly a wonder.
The only part of this holiday season that I truly enjoyed was shopping for the kids. It gave me a good excuse to get lost in the toy store. I bought Lily a Barbie doll that has hair that changes color in water. Kind of weird if you ask me, but it's what all my nieces asked for so I figured that it would be considered a pretty cool gift in kid world. Alex, I bought an action figure that had me entertained in the isle for a solid half an hour. It has all these attachments so he could switch weapons. Very cool. For my special girl I bought a baby gloworm because it has the same eyes as Amy, large and brown. I bought her one of those dancing Elmo things that everyone raves about since I figured she might want a toy that she could really play with. I was going to stop there but I saw a Wiggles DVD on sale when I was at the checkout counter. I didn't know that they had Wiggles on DVD. Amy loves them. Fine, I can admit it; I dance and sing along with her. So I bought that too. I really had no intention of buying anything else, I swear. But then I saw a doll in the window of a small shop here in Capeside. It is not the kind of doll that you play with. It's more for display. Obviously I don't know anything about dolls but this one struck me as beautiful. For some reason it sort of reminded me of Jen. It will be nice for Amy to have something that she can keep forever. Maybe I'll buy her another one next year or for her birthday. It could be a special thing between us, like our date nights.
"We should go in," Andie says. "It's getting cold out here."
It is getting cold but I'm not sure if I can face the party yet. The thought of everyone together is almost too overwhelming. The sheer dynamics of it all seems too much. There is Joey and I, Dawson and Joey, and of course Dawson and I. Not to mention that I have been quite intimately involved with Audrey, Andie, and Joey. How's that for dynamics? Luckily there are a lot of people here tonight. Hopefully I can just blend in and not get sucked into any discussions pondering the current state of any of my relationships.
"You know what, Andie?" I say rubbing my hands together to generate a small amount of warmth. "You should go on ahead. I'm just gonna stay out here for a little while longer."
"You sure?" she asks tilting her head slightly to the side. I can tell that she doesn't want to leave me by myself.
I don't think I would have gotten through the past few weeks if it hadn't been for her. She's listened when I needed to talk, talked when I needed to listen, and has helped me to laugh again. Like when I first saw her tonight. She looked amazing in this grey dress and one of those up-do things that girls do on special occasions. Then she put on a pair of reindeer antlers that were in complete juxtaposition to her pulled together look. Then she made me put on a pair of matching antlers. So it was Andie, myself, Alex, and Lily all in antlers. I felt kinda goofy, but it was a good type of goofy. Almost childlike.
"I'm sure." I smile to show her that I'm okay. "Thanks McPhee, for everything."
"Anytime Witter," she smiles. I know that she realizes I'm thanking her for more than tonight.
Joey
"Careful!" I call over my shoulder as Alex and Lily whiz past me with Amy not too far behind. Where on earth did they get those reindeer antlers?
"Harry," I say as I spy him slightly removed from everyone else.
"Merry Christmas," he says appearing relieved to have someone to talk to as Gale schmooses with her guests.
"Merry Christmas," I kiss his cheek feeling a small surge of affection for the man who has been so good to Gale, Lily, and Dawson.
"How's work going?" I'm not sure what else to ask him. I've only spoken to him a few times and those conversations have been mostly in the general topic of the weather.
"Good, good," he takes a sip of his drink.
"And you? You were promoted a while back, right?"
"Yes," I smile and take a sip of wine. "But I'm on a sort of hiatus now."
"Riiight," Harry drawls. "I believe Gale mentioned something to that effect. I just didn't put the right face to right name. I thought she was talking about the blonde one."
"The loud blonde or the perky blonde?" I can't help but giggle a little, as Harry seems slightly embarrassed by my forwardness. Of course I've known them for years, he has only really met us on his wedding day and this Thanksgiving.
"The perky one," he grudgingly admits.
"Andie," I say. "The whole guys names for girls thing can be confusing. I'm Joey. The loud one is Audrey."
He just nods. Now I feel bad. I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy; I just didn't want to see him standing around by himself.
"Don't worry," I say with a wave of my hand. "You'll puzzle us all out eventually."
"I know that you're the friend."
He must have seen my look of confusion because he quickly attempts to clarify his comment. "I mean you are the one who was his childhood friend. The one who he based Sammy on."
This is why I don't tell everyone that I date or that I work with how well I know Dawson. When people find out that Sammy is based on me they assume that they know all about me. Not everything that happens on the show is autobiographical, but try to tell people that. If the subject comes up I usually I just tell people that Dawson and I went to the same high school. It's just easier that way.
"Harry!" Gale calls from across the room.
"Excuse me, " Harry says. "Duty calls. But it was nice talking to you, Joey."
I cast a look around hoping to find Jack. He seems to have disappeared after he talked to me when I first got here. Checking my watch for about the billionth time I wonder why Dawson hasn't called.
"Hey stranger," It's Andie.
"Andie!" I say hugging her. "How are you?" I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving.
"You look great!" she gushes. "Fabulous, really."
"You too," I say. "I love the antlers. That's a marvelous look for you, really."
"These old things?" she laughs. "Come get another drink with me."
"Gladly," I say. I seem to have gone through my first two pretty fast. I make a vow to make the third last a little longer. Drunk Joey at the Leery Family Christmas Party is never a good thing. Well, it could have been, I can't help but muse. If only Dawson and I hadn't been so rudely interrupted.
"So," Andie says once we each have a fresh drink and have settled down on the couch in the now empty spare room.
"So" I trail off. Why is it that people feel the need to say that to fill up space? I take a sip from my drink, a Cosmo this time.
"Remember that summer when I visited you in France?" Andie asks.
I have to smile. To my dying day I will remember that summer from the making of Dawson's movie to my long awaited expedition to France. And most especially I will remember the week that Andie came from Italy to visit.
"Ahhh," I say contentedly. "Our European selves."
"Yes." Andie's grin deepens. "Our European selves." That is how Andie and I have come to refer to the women we were that week, as our European selves.
We did things that the East Coast Joey and Andie would never do. We sunbathed topless on the beach; we went to dance clubs in Paris and flirted wildly with strangers. One night we even each took a guy home. (Not the same guy. We knew the French word for threesome, but not THAT well).
"Remember that one guy?" Andie asks.
"Which one?" There were a few memorable characters that we met that week.
"The one that did those sidewalk drawings."
"Wasn't he Bulgarian?" I ask. Some of the details aren't as clear as they used to be.
"Belgian," Andie corrects me.
"What the hell was his name?" I ask. It may have started with an F. I can see him clearly in my mind. Dark messy hair, smoldering blue-grey eyes. He had one dimple that would show itself when he laughed, which he did often. Andie and I spent the entire day watching him draw and later that night he took us out for dinner with his partner. That's right, Andie and I spent the whole day salivating over a guy who turned out to be gay. It was a first for her but not my first homosexual artist encounter. Anyway he ended up being a great guy and for almost a year after we exchanged the occasional e-mail. I wonder what happened to him.
"This sounds like something better discussed over flavored coffee," Andie jokes.
"Huh?" I ask.
"Remember, like ages ago, that coffee commercial where the two women try to think of that French guy's name?"
"Jean Luc," I groan remembering just how fucking annoying that commercial was.
"That's it! Jean Luc!" Andie laughs and I can't help but join her.
We keep laughing until a tear runs down my face.
"Pathetic,' I gasp between giggles. "My life has been reduced to a coffee commercial."
"Oh God!" Andie's face registers an expression that can only be described as a mixture of horror and humor. "We are so old," she laughs.
"Ancient," I tease. She's wearing a pair of antlers, how old can we be?
"So maybe we're not that old yet," Andie says as our laughter fades. "But it's coming sooner than you think."
"I know," I say as I lean back against the sofa. "Time has a way of playing tricks on you. One moment you're a teenager and the next"
"It's been over ten years and you realize that you take solace in the places you once felt trapped," Andie says softly. I couldn't have said it better myself.
"Yeah, " I agree. "But the more things change the more they stay the same," I say thinking of me and Dawson.
"True," Andie says with a small smile. I wonder if she's thinking about her and Pacey. Is there even a her and Pacey?
"Andie, can I ask you something?" I figure that we've been friends long enough for me to at least ask if there is anything going on with her and Pacey.
"Is it about Pacey?" she asks.
"Um, yeah. I mean, if you don't want to answer it's alright. Actually it's not my business at all, so just forget that I said anything."
"It's strictly platonic," Andie says. I guess that I don't have to ask.
"Hmm," is all that I can say. By looking at her face though, I see more.
"He still loves you,' she says softly.
"In his own way," I say tactfully. "Probably not in the way you think." Is there a tactful way to tell a friend that you won't be offended if they date your ex-boyfriend? Of course he was her ex-boyfriend first. I don't think that they make Hallmark cards for moments like these.
"Love changes, fades, ends and begins again," I continue.
"Dawson,' she asks.
"Yes," I say simply.
"I hope you don't mind, Pacey told me."
"You would have found out anyway," I say.
"We're sort of like that, aren't we?"
"Nothing is secret for too long." Whether the news is good or bad it travels fast in our circle of friends.
There is a moment of silence as Alex, Lily, and Amy fly by once again. "Be careful!" A random adult warns.
"I would want him to be with someone like you," I finally say. I don't say Pacey but I'm sure she knows who I'm referring to.
"Thanks," she smiles and takes another sip of her drink. "I don't think he feels the same way."
"Maybe he does," I offer. "Maybe not yet. Maybe it's just a matter of time."
"If he ever did," Andie keeps her eyes downcast. "Feel that way, I mean. I wouldn't want it to be because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted."
"Andie," I get up holding my empty glass loosely in my hand. "You're more important to him than you think."
Pacey
"These are wonderful, Evelyn." Grams makes the absolute best chocolate chip cookies in the world. I started calling Grams Evelyn a few years back. She's never said anything about it. Secretly, I think she loves it.
"I'm glad you like them dear," she says as she pours me another glass of milk.
After it got way too cold to hide outside I came in and Grams and I have been talking in the kitchen ever since. It's funny to think that there was a time that we were afraid of her. Once I bet Joey a dollar (that's how young we were) that she couldn't run up the Ryan porch and touch the screen door. Of course she couldn't. Joey has always been a skittish kitten. It's actually very endearing.
I can't help but let and audible sigh escape my lips. I wonder if it will always be like this, every memory turning into a memory of Joey and one memory spawning another. So much of my life has been spent with her that it would be impossible to erase her from my mind. Honestly, I wouldn't want to. Joey was one of the best things that could ever happen to me.
I know that everything that has happened is for the best. It still hurts, though. When we first got together again I really thought that it would be forever. Or maybe I just really wanted it to be.
"It will get easier," Grams says as she sets the glass of milk down at the table.
"Yeah, I know." She's right. I've been through this before. Every day that passes will hurt less until it doesn't hurt at all. I'll be able to remember the good times and cease to dwell in the bad. And then I'll find someone else who makes my heart do flip-flops and gives me butterflies.
"We're here everyone, so you can start now!" I hear a booming voice that can only belong to Audrey. I didn't expect her and Dawson for at least another hour.
Everyone appears to be invigorated by the new faces. There is a chorus of hellos and greetings. I feel the need to hang back as everyone rushes Audrey and Dawson. I see Joey break and weave through the crowd and quite literally jump into Dawson's arms. Now it's real. If they aren't together yet, they will be soon. She kisses his cheek and hugs him tightly. He kisses the top of her head and subtly gives her hair a stroke. It looks platonic, friendly. I have come to realize that when it's Dawson and Joey nothing is as it appears.
Now she's dragging him through the mass of people to the dining room. I feel like I'm spying on them. There is a house full of people so I'm not spying; yet I feel like I'm intruding on an intimate moment.
"I made these for you," I hear her say. I'm the only one watching them now. "It's really more of a joke."
"Awesome," Dawson says as he opens the tupperware. It's blueberry pancakes. I remember those pancakes. She would only make them after sex. Not just any sex, only after mind blowing, body numbing sex. They haven't – no Joey told me that they were taking their time, whatever that means exactly.
"They must be cold by now," Joey says. "I'll put them back in the fridge and you can eat them tomorrow morning.
"I'll eat them now," he says taking one out with his hand, rolling it up, and taking a bite. "Still good."
Joey just smiles at him. It's that trademark smile that only she could pull off. "I just have to hug you again," she says as she embraces him once more.
Grams is watching me watch them. She puts a hand on my shoulder. I put my hand over hers and look up and attempt a smile.
"I think I was meant to see that," I say. Grams just nods slightly, one side of her mouth down turned. I know that she hates to see any of her children unhappy.
But in some odd almost indefinable way it helped me. I know that Joey said that they were going to wait a while before beginning a relationship but part of me didn't think they would actually go through with what they said. Dawson and Joey make a lot of promises to each other. It is always with the best of intentions but the end result isn't usually what they intended.
This is different. I expected them to either be in some sort of steamy embrace or cool and distant. But it just seemscomfortable, loving, content. And I needed to see that. It makes it real. It makes it true. In some odd way I think it will help me. Maybe to move on, I don't know yet.
"Hey," I hear a soft voice behind me and Grams. It's Andie. "You doing alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I look up and smile at Grams.
"Good," Andie says.
"Thank you so much for the cookies, Evelyn. They were truly remarkable." I say as I slip my arms around Grams and Andie. "But I think that Andie and I should go and say hi to Dawson and Joey."
I give Grams a kiss on the cheek and on impulse I do the same to Andie for good measure. As Andie and I walk away I try to ignore the knowing look from Grams.