CHAPTER TWO
The Conspiracy of Girl Scout Programs
Ah yes. We left off last time when Hiei was being kidnapped by girl scouts.
Somehow, the girls had managed to get Hiei into the back of their van. Now they all loaded in there with him. The Scout Instructor waited for them all to get positioned around him.
"Now girls, you know what to do. If he recovers or tries anything, drug him, punch him, whatever you have to do to make him unconscious. Now, I'm trusting you with this, understand," she said.
"Yes ma'am," all 22 said at the same time. Hiei's eyes darted around fearfully, then stopped on the open doors of the van. His mind started working and he was about to get up when the doors slammed, shutting them into darkness. One of the girls turned on a light that was hanging from the ceiling.
Hiei looked around. He was completely surrounded by girl scouts. They were all crammed in the back of the van, which wasn't very big. Twenty-three people, plus about 100 boxes of cookies, didn't fit well. They were all practically sitting on each other.
"What's your name?" one girl asked.
"Why should I tell you?" Hiei asked, annoyed. "Little girls come to my door, drag me out of my house, lock me in the back of a van, and then they ask my name like nothing happened?! You're all nuts!"
"Aw, he's scared. That's normal. We're used to that," another girl said.
"You're used to it?! Do you kidnap people often?!"
"Hmm... Yeah, pretty often. Nobody ever suspects us! We're the girl scouts, innocent young girls who walk around selling cookies," the girl answered.
"You're insane," Hiei muttered, pushing himself back against the wall as far as he could.
"So what's your name?"
"I'm not telling."
"Fine. Girls, we have to find a name for our newest captive!" the girl said cheerfully. Hiei closed his eyes to keep them from seeing the horror he was feeling. They whispered amongst each other for a few minutes until finally...
"We've decided on a name."
Hiei opened one eye nervously. "Really?"
"Yup. You'll love it."
"I doubt it."
"It's... Foo-foo!"
Hiei's eyes snapped open and he looked at the girl in horror. "Foo-foo!?"
"Yes. Doesn't he look like a Foo-foo to you?" the girl asked another scout.
"Yes, definitely a Foo-foo."
There was a murmur of agreement and nodding. Hiei's left eye was twitching as he stared at the girls.
"You aren't seriously going to call me Foo-foo, are you?"
"Of course. Until you tell us your real name," the girl said.
"Oh, God..." Hiei muttered under his breath.
"Excuse me?"
"What? Who? Me? Oh, I didn't say anything," Hiei said. He sat down, scrunching himself into the corner, and pulled his knees up to his chest.
"This one is strangely calm," one girl whispered to another.
"I know. He hasn't tried anything at all. Maybe he's ill."
"Maybe he's not mentally stable."
"Shut up, Gracie. You think everyone has something wrong with their mentality."
"Most people do!"
"Shut up, Gracie," four girls said at the same time. The girl named Gracie didn't say anything more.
"Ask him if he's okay," the first girl said.
"Why don't you?! You're the one who noticed he was so calm."
"That doesn't mean anything! Maybe he's just putting up a front to make us think he's calm, but really he's some murderer, like a master swordsman or something, and he's secretly planning his escape and how to murder us all!!!"
'That girl is much more right than she thinks,' Hiei thought to himself, resting his head on his knees and closing his eyes.
The van came to a stop suddenly.
"Oh, it's the changing point. Get up, Foo-foo. We've got to get on the bus," a girl ordered. Hiei opened one eye.
"Don't call me Foo-foo, you---" Hiei said, but before he could finish his insult, he was jerked to his feet and pulled out of the van by a couple girls. "Let go of me, you stupid children! Little girls aren't supposed to be able to drag fully-grown men around like this!"
One girl looked at him curiously. "Fully-grown?"
"Oh, shut up!" Hiei was dragged onto a big yellow school bus. The girls shoved him into a seat and surrounded him to make sure he stayed there. He looked around nervously.
"Get comfy. We've got a loooooooooooooooooong ride ahead of us," the girl beside him said. He looked at her, making a point to look disgusted, then he looked out the window. He'd been watching out the window for a few minutes before he felt a weight on his shoulder and looked to see the girl laying her head on him.
"Get the hell off me, you molesting slimeball!" Hiei said, pulling his shoulder out from under her head. She snapped awake and looked at him, batting her eyelashes.
"Please? You're sooooo comfy to rest on," the girl said.
"Like I care! You're sick! You're a little girl!"
"I'm 10 years old!"
"What the hell are they teaching you in the girl scouts? How to attempt to seduce people!? Well it won't work on me! There's only one girl in this world or---" He had started to say 'this world or any of the others,' but being as these stupid kids couldn't know about the Reikai or Makai, he cut himself off and settled with saying, "There's only one girl in this world who I'll allow to rest her head on me, but since she never does, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT! ARE YOU LISTENING? GET THE HELL OFFA ME!!"
Before he had even finished his sentence she had put her head back on his shoulder and fallen asleep. Angrily, he pushed her the other way and she fell right off the seat. He sighed in relief when she didn't wake up.
It was dark before they finally stopped again. Hiei's eyes were well adjusted to seeing in the dark, so when they herded him out of the bus, he could see, despite the complete and total blackness.
They were in the parking lot of a large building which had a sign outside reading, 'Girl Scouts of the Nation.' Hiei raised his eyebrows, realizing they had driven all the way to Girl Scout HQ.
"What are you going to do with me, anyway?" Hiei asked. "Just drag me in there and make cookies out of me or something? Why did you drag me off in the first place? I never did anything to you or your stupid cookies."
"You didn't buy any of our cookies. Everybody buys Girl Scout cookies. It's an unwritten rule," a creepy voice said. A creepy girl voice, of course. "And as to what we're going to do with you, it all depends."
Hiei raised one eyebrow. He could feel the girls hanging onto his arms tighten their grips. He looked around for the creepy voice person and found that he couldn't see anyone other than himself, the Scout Instructor, and 22 scouts. Still, nobody had turned on a light, so these girls were completely blind. Now was his chance. He was about to leap away when somebody flicked on a flashlight. The beam went straight into his eyes.
"Gah! Turn off that damn light!" Hiei said.
"Nope. Come with us."
"Peh. Like I'm going anywhere else," Hiei muttered as he was pushed toward the building, following the flightlight-carrier.
Hiei was taken to the basement and thrown (well, not thrown, although I'm sure he's light enough somebody could throw him if they wanted) into a little room. He looked around and saw, on the ground, human skeletons. Except one that had horns ('Oh, so that's what happened to that under- cover demon that went missing... Deadly girl scouts.'). The windows were high above his head, but they were barred anyway. There was a little TV screen on the wall with an intercom beside it.
"What're you gonna do with me? Just leave me in here to rot?" Hiei asked, looking around.
"It depends on how much your friends care about you," one girl said. "We'll leave a ransom note on the doorstep. We saw some other people in the house we got you from, so you're not the only one living there. They'll find the note and hopefully come and get you."
"Hopefully?"
"Well, if they care they'll come. Otherwise, we'll either leave you here to rot, or we'll drain your blood and put it into our cookies," the girl said, shrugging. "It's normal procedure."
Hiei shuddered at the thought of having his blood drained and stirred into cookie batter.
"The screen and intercom is so we can speak to you without coming down here, and you can speak to us, but only when we speak to you. You probably won't get any food, because like I said, you'll be down here to rot, and if your friends don't come in time... You'll rot. You'll starve, you'll rot, you'll die."
"Oh. That's cheerful," Hiei muttered sarcastically. "You're girl scouts."
"So?"
"Aren't they supposed to be just, like, cheerful little girls who go around selling cookies and stuff?"
"Yes. And when people don't buy our cookies, we have very little tolerance or mercy."
"Oh. So that's why I'm here."
"Yup. You shoulda bought the cookies," the girl said.
"Right. You just told me that you drain people's blood and put it in your cookies. I always wondered about all these stupid after-school groups like this, but I never thoguht they were that disgusting," Hiei said.
"Whatever. I gotta go. Bye-bye, Foo-foo!" the girl said, running off and slamming the door behind her. Hiei cursed under his breath.
'Stupid girl scouts. Why didn't I just kill them all when I had the chance? Damn Shadow. Her and her stupid sugar high competition. She got Kurama all spaced out on caffeine... I wonder if they're still drinking all that...'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Shadow sat, staring across the table at Kurama. They were both twitching from the excessive amounts of caffeine in their bloodstreams. Kurama was twitching worse because he had never done anything like this in his life, either as a fox or as a human. Yusuke was unconscious on the floor. Kuwabara was still asleep, drooling and dreaming.
"One... more... bottle..." Shadow muttered, twisting the cap off a bottle of Mountain Dew. She drank straight out of the bottle, chugging the whole 2-liter in less than two minutes. Kurama had a pitcher of coffee, and he was staring at it like it was going to jump up and rip off his face. It was completely dark outside. It was almost completely dark inside, being as nobody had gotten up to turn on any lights. They'd been having a caffeine tolerance battle for over 10 hours.
Yusuke stirred, rolling over and bumping the table leg. The table moved slightly. Kurama, which his caffeine-overdosed brain, thought it was trying to attack him and he jumped back 5 feet and went into defense mode. Shadow twitched so badly that she fell over. Kurama made it to the bathroom before throwing up. With some of the coffee and Mountain Dew out of him, he felt slightly better, but he took about 6 Tylenol to make sure (Kids, never EVER take 6 Tylenol at one time) and to try to get rid of his splitting headache. He sat down in the hall and passed out.
If anyone had come into the house right about now, they wold have thought somebody came through and did something horrible. That person would have called an ambulance and had these four teenagers taken to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. Kuwabara was the only one who hadn't had the ability to stay up late and overdose on caffeine. Like usual, Kuwabara was the weakest in this, too.
Luckily for these four, nobody came. Nobody saw the horrible condition they were in. Nobody called an ambulance (is that a good thing?), and nobody saw the box of girl scout cookies sitting on the doorstep.
The Conspiracy of Girl Scout Programs
Ah yes. We left off last time when Hiei was being kidnapped by girl scouts.
Somehow, the girls had managed to get Hiei into the back of their van. Now they all loaded in there with him. The Scout Instructor waited for them all to get positioned around him.
"Now girls, you know what to do. If he recovers or tries anything, drug him, punch him, whatever you have to do to make him unconscious. Now, I'm trusting you with this, understand," she said.
"Yes ma'am," all 22 said at the same time. Hiei's eyes darted around fearfully, then stopped on the open doors of the van. His mind started working and he was about to get up when the doors slammed, shutting them into darkness. One of the girls turned on a light that was hanging from the ceiling.
Hiei looked around. He was completely surrounded by girl scouts. They were all crammed in the back of the van, which wasn't very big. Twenty-three people, plus about 100 boxes of cookies, didn't fit well. They were all practically sitting on each other.
"What's your name?" one girl asked.
"Why should I tell you?" Hiei asked, annoyed. "Little girls come to my door, drag me out of my house, lock me in the back of a van, and then they ask my name like nothing happened?! You're all nuts!"
"Aw, he's scared. That's normal. We're used to that," another girl said.
"You're used to it?! Do you kidnap people often?!"
"Hmm... Yeah, pretty often. Nobody ever suspects us! We're the girl scouts, innocent young girls who walk around selling cookies," the girl answered.
"You're insane," Hiei muttered, pushing himself back against the wall as far as he could.
"So what's your name?"
"I'm not telling."
"Fine. Girls, we have to find a name for our newest captive!" the girl said cheerfully. Hiei closed his eyes to keep them from seeing the horror he was feeling. They whispered amongst each other for a few minutes until finally...
"We've decided on a name."
Hiei opened one eye nervously. "Really?"
"Yup. You'll love it."
"I doubt it."
"It's... Foo-foo!"
Hiei's eyes snapped open and he looked at the girl in horror. "Foo-foo!?"
"Yes. Doesn't he look like a Foo-foo to you?" the girl asked another scout.
"Yes, definitely a Foo-foo."
There was a murmur of agreement and nodding. Hiei's left eye was twitching as he stared at the girls.
"You aren't seriously going to call me Foo-foo, are you?"
"Of course. Until you tell us your real name," the girl said.
"Oh, God..." Hiei muttered under his breath.
"Excuse me?"
"What? Who? Me? Oh, I didn't say anything," Hiei said. He sat down, scrunching himself into the corner, and pulled his knees up to his chest.
"This one is strangely calm," one girl whispered to another.
"I know. He hasn't tried anything at all. Maybe he's ill."
"Maybe he's not mentally stable."
"Shut up, Gracie. You think everyone has something wrong with their mentality."
"Most people do!"
"Shut up, Gracie," four girls said at the same time. The girl named Gracie didn't say anything more.
"Ask him if he's okay," the first girl said.
"Why don't you?! You're the one who noticed he was so calm."
"That doesn't mean anything! Maybe he's just putting up a front to make us think he's calm, but really he's some murderer, like a master swordsman or something, and he's secretly planning his escape and how to murder us all!!!"
'That girl is much more right than she thinks,' Hiei thought to himself, resting his head on his knees and closing his eyes.
The van came to a stop suddenly.
"Oh, it's the changing point. Get up, Foo-foo. We've got to get on the bus," a girl ordered. Hiei opened one eye.
"Don't call me Foo-foo, you---" Hiei said, but before he could finish his insult, he was jerked to his feet and pulled out of the van by a couple girls. "Let go of me, you stupid children! Little girls aren't supposed to be able to drag fully-grown men around like this!"
One girl looked at him curiously. "Fully-grown?"
"Oh, shut up!" Hiei was dragged onto a big yellow school bus. The girls shoved him into a seat and surrounded him to make sure he stayed there. He looked around nervously.
"Get comfy. We've got a loooooooooooooooooong ride ahead of us," the girl beside him said. He looked at her, making a point to look disgusted, then he looked out the window. He'd been watching out the window for a few minutes before he felt a weight on his shoulder and looked to see the girl laying her head on him.
"Get the hell off me, you molesting slimeball!" Hiei said, pulling his shoulder out from under her head. She snapped awake and looked at him, batting her eyelashes.
"Please? You're sooooo comfy to rest on," the girl said.
"Like I care! You're sick! You're a little girl!"
"I'm 10 years old!"
"What the hell are they teaching you in the girl scouts? How to attempt to seduce people!? Well it won't work on me! There's only one girl in this world or---" He had started to say 'this world or any of the others,' but being as these stupid kids couldn't know about the Reikai or Makai, he cut himself off and settled with saying, "There's only one girl in this world who I'll allow to rest her head on me, but since she never does, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT! ARE YOU LISTENING? GET THE HELL OFFA ME!!"
Before he had even finished his sentence she had put her head back on his shoulder and fallen asleep. Angrily, he pushed her the other way and she fell right off the seat. He sighed in relief when she didn't wake up.
It was dark before they finally stopped again. Hiei's eyes were well adjusted to seeing in the dark, so when they herded him out of the bus, he could see, despite the complete and total blackness.
They were in the parking lot of a large building which had a sign outside reading, 'Girl Scouts of the Nation.' Hiei raised his eyebrows, realizing they had driven all the way to Girl Scout HQ.
"What are you going to do with me, anyway?" Hiei asked. "Just drag me in there and make cookies out of me or something? Why did you drag me off in the first place? I never did anything to you or your stupid cookies."
"You didn't buy any of our cookies. Everybody buys Girl Scout cookies. It's an unwritten rule," a creepy voice said. A creepy girl voice, of course. "And as to what we're going to do with you, it all depends."
Hiei raised one eyebrow. He could feel the girls hanging onto his arms tighten their grips. He looked around for the creepy voice person and found that he couldn't see anyone other than himself, the Scout Instructor, and 22 scouts. Still, nobody had turned on a light, so these girls were completely blind. Now was his chance. He was about to leap away when somebody flicked on a flashlight. The beam went straight into his eyes.
"Gah! Turn off that damn light!" Hiei said.
"Nope. Come with us."
"Peh. Like I'm going anywhere else," Hiei muttered as he was pushed toward the building, following the flightlight-carrier.
Hiei was taken to the basement and thrown (well, not thrown, although I'm sure he's light enough somebody could throw him if they wanted) into a little room. He looked around and saw, on the ground, human skeletons. Except one that had horns ('Oh, so that's what happened to that under- cover demon that went missing... Deadly girl scouts.'). The windows were high above his head, but they were barred anyway. There was a little TV screen on the wall with an intercom beside it.
"What're you gonna do with me? Just leave me in here to rot?" Hiei asked, looking around.
"It depends on how much your friends care about you," one girl said. "We'll leave a ransom note on the doorstep. We saw some other people in the house we got you from, so you're not the only one living there. They'll find the note and hopefully come and get you."
"Hopefully?"
"Well, if they care they'll come. Otherwise, we'll either leave you here to rot, or we'll drain your blood and put it into our cookies," the girl said, shrugging. "It's normal procedure."
Hiei shuddered at the thought of having his blood drained and stirred into cookie batter.
"The screen and intercom is so we can speak to you without coming down here, and you can speak to us, but only when we speak to you. You probably won't get any food, because like I said, you'll be down here to rot, and if your friends don't come in time... You'll rot. You'll starve, you'll rot, you'll die."
"Oh. That's cheerful," Hiei muttered sarcastically. "You're girl scouts."
"So?"
"Aren't they supposed to be just, like, cheerful little girls who go around selling cookies and stuff?"
"Yes. And when people don't buy our cookies, we have very little tolerance or mercy."
"Oh. So that's why I'm here."
"Yup. You shoulda bought the cookies," the girl said.
"Right. You just told me that you drain people's blood and put it in your cookies. I always wondered about all these stupid after-school groups like this, but I never thoguht they were that disgusting," Hiei said.
"Whatever. I gotta go. Bye-bye, Foo-foo!" the girl said, running off and slamming the door behind her. Hiei cursed under his breath.
'Stupid girl scouts. Why didn't I just kill them all when I had the chance? Damn Shadow. Her and her stupid sugar high competition. She got Kurama all spaced out on caffeine... I wonder if they're still drinking all that...'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Shadow sat, staring across the table at Kurama. They were both twitching from the excessive amounts of caffeine in their bloodstreams. Kurama was twitching worse because he had never done anything like this in his life, either as a fox or as a human. Yusuke was unconscious on the floor. Kuwabara was still asleep, drooling and dreaming.
"One... more... bottle..." Shadow muttered, twisting the cap off a bottle of Mountain Dew. She drank straight out of the bottle, chugging the whole 2-liter in less than two minutes. Kurama had a pitcher of coffee, and he was staring at it like it was going to jump up and rip off his face. It was completely dark outside. It was almost completely dark inside, being as nobody had gotten up to turn on any lights. They'd been having a caffeine tolerance battle for over 10 hours.
Yusuke stirred, rolling over and bumping the table leg. The table moved slightly. Kurama, which his caffeine-overdosed brain, thought it was trying to attack him and he jumped back 5 feet and went into defense mode. Shadow twitched so badly that she fell over. Kurama made it to the bathroom before throwing up. With some of the coffee and Mountain Dew out of him, he felt slightly better, but he took about 6 Tylenol to make sure (Kids, never EVER take 6 Tylenol at one time) and to try to get rid of his splitting headache. He sat down in the hall and passed out.
If anyone had come into the house right about now, they wold have thought somebody came through and did something horrible. That person would have called an ambulance and had these four teenagers taken to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. Kuwabara was the only one who hadn't had the ability to stay up late and overdose on caffeine. Like usual, Kuwabara was the weakest in this, too.
Luckily for these four, nobody came. Nobody saw the horrible condition they were in. Nobody called an ambulance (is that a good thing?), and nobody saw the box of girl scout cookies sitting on the doorstep.