~ Space Chances2 ~
By: Anime Redneck
8-13-03 ~ 8-18-03
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Archive: If you've got the OK to snag my stuff, then please do! If you don't, then please ask me before you take this one! I'd like to know where these are skipping off to if anywhere heh ^_^
Pairings: it'd give it away wouldn't it, but if you have to know... 2+1, 5+1
Warnings: I was told it's kinda Angsty.. so Angst, sadness.. some goofyness somewhere, I'm sure of it! I can't write total Angst unless it's a deathfic.
Disclaimers: Ah donno own tha Guys! Ah donno own "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler! heh Ah own meh truck an' tha plot, and ye canna 'ave 'em! ^_^
"~Lyrics~"
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Chapter Two: Changes
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Earth.
It was different. Fresh. Took some time to adjust to after living on a colony all your life. Missions down to Earth were a rarity, something I've learned over the course of a short time not to take for granted. Maybe Duo and Quatre's prodding of my Human side had something to do with the change - though one could never come forward to say it happened 'suddenly'. Nothing in my life is that easy. If it were...
Shaking my head I turn my gaze skyward, taking in the sights around me, the place we've lived (Duo and myself) for the last near half a year now.
Chicago, Earth.
A place Duo has told me time and again he choose for us to live because it reminded him of his 'old town' - aka Colony L2, the roughest parts. I have thanked whoever would listen many times, that he had the common sense not to pick a particular part of Chicago, which resembled L2 Colonies roughest parts. No doubts linger in my mind that we could not have taken them on... It wouldn't be the slightest problem... but I do not wish to damage anyone else... The wars are over... let peace reign, everywhere...
Sometimes, when I walk around like this, no particular destination in mind... an oddity, I admit now. I wonder - What the hell I'm doing here?
I catch my mind leaving me at times, walking down paths that have never much been ventured before... find myself wondering if anyone else besides me has this question running around in their minds. Do people wonder why they're somewhere? What purpose they have in life?
As a former Gundam pilot, this often runs through my tangled brain. I was brought up to know war, to live war, to end war. Ironically enough, I have, and here I still am, trying to fit into the 'normal' way of life.
It's not as unproblematic as some would think. The saying, 'Easier said then done' comes to mind quite often.
I have a job here, not as a Preventer though that position is open always to me if I should ever wish to take it. They're always looking for the best the war had, for people who can't seem to settle into the way life should be without a war. I suppose it's a rather comforting thing to know... that solders are not merely being thrown away into the hectic hell some call life, outside of war. But that place is not for me.
Taking a seat at the Preventers isn't something I have not thought about - quite the contrary; I've thought about it many times. Shuffling around the office, sitting behind a desk, is not something I could do... Gomen, that in itself is not correct. I *could* do it, if I had to... yet it is not something I *want* to do. Fieldwork would suit me excellently; on one hand, anyway. Then there's the other where people have a chance to die in the field... something I neither wish to do, or cause. Harming someone is the coins completely other side - I would have no problem harming a person in self defense or, if - No, I guess self defense is all there would be in the field if they retaliated, ne?
Anomalous thoughts to be coming out of Heero Yuy's head, ne?
I believe if I were more 'outgoing' I would chuckle and smile at that. They are some particular thoughts, but the truths nonetheless. I have done away with those days... I don't want to kill. I don't want to be a part of any sort of military units. They bring back memories, which are better left in the darker pits of forgetful places in my being.
Have I mentioned we've been here half year? That I've only been able to see the others on vidcoms or when Quatre's business brings him to Earth? Not too long ago it wouldn't have seemed that long... but now, just living with Duo... it seems to have stretched, yawned into an eternity; with no likely clue why that is...
Earth is different from the colonies. Everything here is sharper, fresher; the storms bring in a distinct crisp smell on their frigid winds, the rain and lightening and thunder that no colony in space could every hope to recreate captures my attention every time the shows come. It's a new experience whenever it happens; no one is the same, and that's what I find... fascinating, about them... I think.
When we first arrived here, Duo started showing me - or attempted to - the "small things" in life that made it all worth living... Somehow I find myself believing I've only managed to capture half of what he was trying to show me - the love of storms being one of those things. It's impossible to take in everything one might have to show you and understand it all right away as to why it's so captivating, why they would make you want to live longer... If pushed, I will grudgingly admit, some of those things... have become somewhat of a... advantage, to have noticed.
So little things are able to bring people a sense of peace, if only for a little while... without my friends - my family - I might never have realized this.
Moving into the two bedroom apartment in mid-upscale Chicago, with Duo, I won't say was a... a brilliant idea... maybe at the time it was a convenient idea? It's hard to say, from that time to now, what I was exactly thinking. I don't understand things still at times... There are moments when I have doubts, where... where there was another path I could have taken; as with Zero showing me the future... There appear to be many paths, and you can only take one... Other times, I think it was the correct thing to do... Often then not lately, I've my doubts.
Duo Maxwell is a charismatic young man. He loves all around him, loves everything near him... Everything seems to mean something to him... Not much that I've taken note of appears to be able to bring him down from his high on life. I personally, would never try... a time or two just to get his head out of the clouds, but... it almost seems that's where he belongs. Is there a place anywhere, Earth or Space, which he does not belong?
Now and then, perhaps all your life, there are times when you cannot help but credit something or another to someone... Someone that comes along and shows you something, gives you a gift, which, later in life, would come to mean the world to you... There will always be a person there to share something. I have realized this in the last year - more so in the half that I've lived with Duo.
I trust I have much to credit to this young man. Naming the things, small or large, would in all likelihood, take near forever, so I don't attempt it. But I do owe him much... A lesser man would say they owe nothing to anyone... I don't consider myself above anyone, far from it... sighing, I suppose I shouldn't say anything of a 'lesser' man... then again, Duo would whap me upside the head for thinking it, let alone saying something about it...
Duo...
Taking in the night's fading sky, I wonder where he would be at this moment. On his way home, I know, but where? Could he passing 109th Street? Maybe crossing on to Smitson Dr.? It's anyone's guess, let alone mine, where the braided fool would be on his way home... His path changes you see... I think he can't forget something from his childhood - something he's had a time with - and continues to replay parts from it. However this is only one young man's guess on another.
Duo "Shinigami" Maxwell...
Turning down Blossomer St, cutting up to Tenshi'sKeep, shaking my head I enter the downstairs parlor of our apartment complex, already knowing I've beaten him here, from wherever he is.
Over the last year, Duo has changed... A slight occurrence, which lately, has been catching my eye, my senses more and more. I don't know when it started, possibly a few months before now... Recalling and reviewing my memories not, it seems likely. By some means, I can't seem to bring up what the first clue was to his behavioral changing. This doesn't sit well with me. A few things don't really, but... not remembering a single change, a single shift in my koibito's life which, spared others is a happening perhaps others would not like not remembering as well, ne?
In any case. We have - or should I say had? - a good life together. For a while, I suppose it was 'great'... Only life I've really ever known outside of the Wars, would be the best I could (or not) imagine. Sometime after moving into the sixth floor suit, buying new furniture - which was hell in itself! You have no idea what shopping with Duo Maxwell is like... How many stores you get tugged around to regardless if you absolutly needed to visit them or not... heh Child at heart is what he shall ever be. I have to admit though; it was fun watching him bounce around as if on a sugar high with ants following him around. It' s an amusing sight... maybe, perhaps even; Wufei would have laughed a little at it...
Once we settled in, Duo found a job at a local high school teaching gym class. Fitting for him, really. It's a chance to be around others his age, teach them things, have a sort of 'childhood' outside the only one he's ever known. Let not Ares above forget that those kids have more in common with Duo then any in our family - if you subtract the whole fighting in the Eve Wars bit that is. It also gives him a chance to stay in shape, not that some other... things... don't present themselves a form of helping his shape that is. And he enjoys it. I can't pick out many memories from the Wars, or his telling of the past but a few, that he actually seemed to enjoy...
I, on the other hand, stayed at home the first few months - just two, I believe... trying to collect and sort my thoughts, feelings, what I was going to do now. What job does a Soldier take on? Someone whose brain capacity would near literally blow away some people's minds with the amount I can do, and in a short period of time. Whose physical enhancements are more then a man of three hundred pounds, near nothing but muscle, could contend with? I'm small, but my size should not let anyone under guess my abilities. I can, and have, easily crushing things without meaning to; just by forgetting I possess more strength then the normal human being.
It is a fact I tend to need to forget; if just to feel a bit human inside. Not an outcast.
Needless to say, I eventually got a job working down at the docks. It is a pleasant chance of wonders, to have found, I suppose... I'm still not real sure which words to use at times to describe things... 'Pleasant', 'Wonderful', 'Nice'... which one would really be correct for this? I still have a lot to learn, even with all currently crammed into my head from training since I was four.
The job however, with lack of the correct word usage, is a efficient one to have chosen. There's heavy lifting, plenty of walking, climbing... you do many physical things there that help to keep ones body in shape. I believe this is why there people I see everyday are there - I could be wrong, however, they all have near perfect builds... almost seeming as if they're training for something... Shaking my head I sigh, they might not, but then again... who am I to know?
I've met a few guys then, men really... I don't know why I keep doing this... I guess, working/terrorizing during the war with mere kids my own age, I tend to leave off anything for people over my age. We're only seventeen years old, and yet... give us any sort of test and we'll prove we've a mind of an adult - if not passing some adults... I don't do the age thing, I don't really see it anymore unless someone I've sighted is near the later years... those people, the ones that look like 'Grandparents', tend to leave an odd softening, a warming of my chest for some reason... I have yet to discover why... But I'm switching carts here airn't I?
At work, on the docks, there are a few guys I've taken to talking to, albeit a little. They don't seem to mind that I don't speak all that much, in fact; they seem pleased by it for a strange reason. Are children today really all that bad? Do they speak of things rather best kept to their own ages? Hn. This could be why... indeed; I do not speak of oddball happenings, the 'new groves' in town and what not. Frankly, I'm pleased I do not; I don't understand them - any of them.
Sliding the key into the lock, striding quickly over to the sidewall shutting off the alarm system I throw my bag to the couch and make way into the kitchen for something to eat. I enjoy my job, the first I've ever had... and walking to and from work is nice, but I find I'm eating more now then I ever have. Still have yet to gain another pound though, so I can't complain, I guess. Duo seems to find it amusing. I haven't gathered why yet, probably never will... Ares knows I'm not going to ask him.
Again, sitting with a newly made sandwich and drink, the question of 'Why the hell I'm here?' crosses my mind.
So much has changed, and not all for the better - not in the last few months. Something is happening with Duo and I've yet to figure out what. It seems I have a lot to learn when it comes to figuring people out... Maybe some just weren't meant to be figured out, Duo could certainly be placed in this category. Then, on the other, it could just be me that can't be figured out. Shrug. Who knows? I certainly don't.
When we first arrived here, it was 'all good', as Duo loves to say. We had a home, Duo had found a wonderful job he loved, kids he could have fun with and teach at the same time... Thinking of the problems, the mischief they all could combine into has kept me up some nights... Soon, very soon after settling in we became lovers. Something I had never expected - Ever. Least of all, I think, from him. I didn't see myself worthy. He was, is, too bright, too alive to be soiled by the likes of my gloomy darkness. Yet he came to me... I know he loves me, he's said as much many times - I can *feel* it.
I feel for him, something strong, but I don't know what kind of love it is... Many times when alone I've slammed my fists into the walls around me, frustrated because there was something about me, something I felt and couldn't figure it out. I *do* love Duo. I do. But I also know, have learned over the years, there are different kinds of Loves... You've the parent and child love, a love for a friend, love for a sibling, and then real love... a love between you and a person you can't live without...
This is what's effectively pissing me off! What the Hell am I feeling for Duo now!? Why in the name of the War God Ares, am I still here!? WHY!?
Things have changed. Duo has changed... I still love him... Even with not knowing what exactly this love feeling is I hold for him, I know it would never change. At any rate, living without him? Hn. I believe it would be hard, harder then the Eve Wars perhaps... He was my light back then, still is now... but things change... I could live with him, I could damn well live without him, if need be... Sadly, when I think about it... It's looking that way real soon.
Why the hell am I still here?
If everything I've been feeling the last few months, everything I've been seeing and trying not to see, are correct... I should have been gone long ago. Duo would be all right; he can live through anything life throws at him...
Standing, stretching to pop stiff joints, loosen muscles, I move to sit in my favorite leather chair in the corner. I've never had something that was truly mine, something I would never be without... if I had, this would be it... I think some people - the other guys, would smile and chuckle at me here... It's a wonderful chair though, honestly. You sit in it and the leather just seems to sink under you, tugging your form deeper and curling about you... I love my chair. Chuckling I shake my head humored at myself. Despite the sadness I know will grip me when I leave - there's no other way to stay - I'm taking my chair with me. I also love it because it's in a shadowed corner, you can't see me unless the lights are on; they're not.
I've observed Duo over the course of ninety-three days since my first assumption something was wrong. Different. Not right. It started as a feeling of something being off... out of line. It was the night Duo came home late. Not something major, I suppose to others, yet when you have someone loved, that comes home later then the usual, when there's no other reason for them being at school late... you wonder. Possible he could've been hanging out with a few of the kids. Even I've thought of that, it's not all that uncommon... I guess. Honestly wouldn't know.
There were other nights... nights he'd come in later then normal. School let out around three in the afternoon, he'd come home around six or seven those nights... What was he doing for those three to four hours afterwards? Do parents normally let their kids stay out that late on school nights, high school or not? Another thing I don't know.
Then there were the days he would leave a little earlier in the mornings, get home a little later at nights, be a little more withdrawn... a little more distant... In the short years I've known Duo Maxwell I've never seen him - once - become withdrawn from a friend.
"Luuuccy... I'm home!"
Then there's me, whom he seemed to center around, constantly. What happened to him? To us? Once or thrice, I've had a thought pass by that he has grown tired of me. And maybe... that's not entirely the wrong idea. I'm sure it could happen... with someone as lively as him, with someone as devoid, unknowing of life, like me.
"Heero?"
I don't know what I would do now... if I choose to leave... or even how I should leave. I know there's not real set way on how one should... but I believe there's bound to be rules to this engagement... something one should follow while doing so. I just don't... I don't know what I want to do anymore... Being here is nice, and then, it's sad all the same... if that makes sense. Like I want to be here, yet I don't. My chest tightens at the thought of staying, and at the thought of leaving... I've been debating which one hurts the most; I've drawn no real conclusions.
"Hey love, ya home?"
I can hear him shuffling around in the darkness that need only a light to scare away. Duo likes it dark though, says his times on the streets and being a master of stealth helps with his night vision. I can't default him for that notion; I've seen the results more then once already. I don't call back to him; something keeps my mouth still, my mind running around in circles as it has the last few days.
"Hee-love?"
He's by the refrigerator now, if he only turned around while opening it, he might glimpse some part of me reclined in my chair; but he doesn't. There's something about his trusting his instincts that gets to me. Almost... almost as if he trusts them, then second-guesses them. That bothers me. One should always trust their instincts at first comings: they save your life more then not.
"Heero? Heero I know you're here!"
Of course you do, I want to say, but keep quiet. There's something about watching him fiddle around that's near amusing. I can't keep the smirk from crawling upon my lips while observing him. He knows the layout like the back of his hand, yet he's ramming into the table edge, spiking his foot a good one, I can just make out his shadowed form jumping around, yipping like an injured dog. I don't know why that amuses me... Perchance it's his stubbornness of just reaching out to turn on a light and see to walk that does it. More then not that's what it is I'm sure.
"Heeeerroo!!" he whines now, reminding me of Relena.
Getting up quietly from my seat I walk to the back of the apartment, gently opening and closing the door behind me. I have this feeling in my chest, telling me I shouldn't speak to Duo tonight... to just let him be, to go to sleep now and think, maybe dream some more... Then tomorrow... tomorrow things would change... How? I'm not really sure.
You know I've lived my life from day to day, trusting in my emotions like my mentor, the only father figure I've really known, Oldin Lowe taught me... Doctor J wasn't a bad mentor either, a little "screwed up" in the brain on some fronts I think, but he took me in, taught me all I needed to know to survive and finish the wars... I'm, sad, that they're both gone... and thankful I had the chance to know them for the short time I did... But I cherish their advice. So I follow what my emotions, what my heart tells me. It tells me that tomorrow there will be a change... a change for the better hoping... a change that'll give life back into my weary existence.
I had life here, for a good long while... now it seems I only exist. I can't say what I exist for though... Used to be it was the Wars... then for Duo... With Duo I was alive... Ah, I seem I've used pastence there... Now I'm just... Here. I wake up, go to work, eat lunch talking a little with the few people there that care, walk home, eat and sleep... sometimes when Duo's not distant, we share the night... but...
Giving myself a mental shake I shuck out of the clothes I chose that morning, throwing them to one side of the bed, leaving me in my navy blue boxers and socks. Glancing around the room once, having an evilly good notion to lock the door... heh smirking I decide it wouldn't be nice, and crawl into bed, waiting, listening, for when the door will open, when Duo will slip in and try seeing if I'm really awake or not. He's tried many times before... there's only been twice when I couldn't fool him into believing I was asleep. He's a sharp kid, that Duo.
"Hee-love...?" the quiet whisper comes moments later, footfalls softly shuffling along the thick carpet over to the bed. Then the mattress sinks, giving way to his bodies weight as he leans over lightly watching. I don't have to open my eyes to tell he's on his knees, arms crossed pillowing his chin on them, watching. I can feel his breath barely brush my cheeks, it's hard to stay still, to not reaching out and brush his long bangs from that beautiful face, but I keep from doing so. I've the urge to scoot over towards him, as I find myself doing at nights anyways, seeking out his bodies warmth and curling next to it.
Whoever would have imagined that Heero Yuy, the once Perfect Soldier, liked to cuddle?
A sigh, "Heero... What's goin' on buddy?" he asks. I want to ask the same thing, but again, something keeps me from saying anything at all, just taking deep, even breaths, to appear sleeping. I know he can't tell the difference between either at the moment, because one hand reaches out, almost carefully to sweep some of my bangs backwards, only to let them fall back into place again. "M'sorra love..." he say what for, doesn't say why he's sorry and it aches. Why is he sorry? What's been going on with him that he can't tell me?
Heaving a sigh of my own, a purely natural one anyone asleep would let loose, I tilt my head into his hand now cupping my cheek. Somehow, even with all the questions scrolling along in my brain I can't be mad at him, I can't be angry... I know, maybe I should - others probably would. Nonetheless I can't. Duo has given me so much since the time I've known him, I don't deserve to be angry at him for something like this... I can only take in what he gives, hold it close, forever, no matter what happens.
A change is coming... a change I both need, crave... and fear. A change I believe, in my heart, will take me away from him... Now, in the calmness of night, with Duo crawling in behind me, snuggling close... I know that wherever I go, he will always be with me... Like everyone else, he will forever be a part of me... and maybe... maybe this is what he needs too. Maybe he fears change also... Together we were stronger... then perhaps it could work in reverse, with us being apart, we could only get better...
Sighing once more, this time contently, for whatever may come. I turn over, snuggling up to his chest, burring my head beneath his chin, feeling his arms wrap around me protectively. heh It's a strange notion that... Him protecting me... should be the other way around... yet as my eyes droop closed on their own, I can't help be feel a small bit grateful that someone is looking out for me this time...
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I'm dreaming. It's an odd feeling, when one knows they're dreaming. Seeing something that could be so real, yet a place you've never been or seen.
It's a wooded area, I notice spinning around to get my bearings, even if I don't know where I am. Greenish-brown grass beneath my feet, more green then brown, as if it had been dying then suddenly got a second wind of life springing back. There are trees, plenty of trees providing cover from the sun above. A little ways away I can see shimmering blue, as if a lake or small pond, more trees, bushes and benches.
I'm in a park... a park or natural woodland, but that... that doesn't seem right. Looking up and over, straining my eyes sight I can pick out the tall rises of buildings further off... So I'm in a park, a nice one at that.
I haven't a clue why I'm here, how my mind pictured up a swirling fountain some feet away of two children caught in mid run... the little boy in front has arms extended, a small ball of sorts captured between his little hands, his face is one of laughter, wearing overall shorts and small boots. The little girl, behind the boy has one arm extended as if trying to catch the other, her face mirroring that joy, her other hands reaching backwards, as if mid swing, her little knee length dress swirling around her, small cute looking strapped shoes on her feet. Around them each on the base of their small pedestal sprout shoots of water, arching halfway up their height then over and into the small pool below.
Walking forward, closer, kneeling where a sparkle of metal has caught my attention I see a small plaque stating: Always Hope. Feeling a small smile tug at my lips I stand, nodding. There is always hope, one simply has to believe that... At times though it is not so easy to keep a hold on that hope. It slips away so easily.
Frowning a little at that thought I turn away, looking for somewhere else to go. I can hear the laughter, cheers and voices of other people, people sounding like they're having a grand time at this park... and yet I see no one. A moment later I resist the urge to snap my head around as a little girls laughing voice runs straight past me, disappearing off into the distance beyond.
Why am I here?
Have I seen this place and just not remembered it? Was I younger and been here with Oldin? Maybe a place I visited before being transferred over into Doctor J's hands? I see that even if it didn't matter, my mind has once again delivered me to that one question, forever to roam in my mind: Why am I here?
"...Heero..."
Who? Turning, eyes darting here or there, trying to pick out the speaker I wonder who is here? Who has my mind cooked up to be in this wondrous looking place with me? "Nani?" Well, I guess that's better then the customary 'Hn' I was about to grunt out. Speech isn't my forte.
"~Turnaround...~"
The voice comes again, closer this time. So I turn, thinking him behind me, and see no one. I know the voice though... the smooth timbre, the rich depth... I know, and yet I'm having trouble placing it... It is a dream after all, they're not all meant to be crystal clear, from what I can recall about researching them long ago.
Looking harder, seeing no one I decide its time to sit down, to rest and just listen. Walking to an off colored green bench I do just that, leaning into it's back, closing my eyes to listen to the sounds around me. The birds singing, children laughing, parents lightly scolding little ones...My mind drifts back to days I try hardest to leave locked up in the small area in my mind, never to be touched unless darker dreams come, darker things that have the power to dredge up those memories. There's times when I can't remember half of why I locked them away in the first place...
It is while I'm searching that place, tiptoeing around in its darkness that a certain memory jumps out at me, threatening to bite me in the ass if I don't move.
And then I remember.
I remember a reason why I locked some of them away... I remember whose voice, a voice I had not heard since that day on the ship... so many back... As I open my mouth to reply, to seek the question that would gain me my answer... I'm shocked when something else exits my mouth instead, "~Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around...~" What the hell was that?
Next thing I here is a light chuckle, almost amused and sad, at my mental questioning. "~Turnaround...~" I don't move now. There would really be no point in it... no one would be there, only that voice... a voice from long ago.
Why was my mouth peaking something other then what I had ordered it to? Was this something that happened in dreams normally? Or am I merely 'watching' something that might come in the future? Minus the missing bodies to all the voices I hear around me... I can only wonder, however, for this dream is not in my powers. "~Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears...~"
If it were possible to kill my own voice, I believe I would do so. There are few who are privileged to know what my heart speaks. I at times am not even one of them, let alone in my own little world to ponder what I truly feel, what I truly want... it is not an easy thing to understand. You cannot merely just teach someone to be a weapon then throw them aside once the wars are over and hope they will understand the non-weapon side of themselves just finely. I was lucky enough Duo wanted to keep me with him, to have him show me, help me, understand some little bit of that side of me... it's helped.
"~Turnaround...~" the sweet, light, baritone voice speaks up, seemingly closer to me, just a few yards off to my right...
Will I ever seem them again? With this change will the others be in my future more often? One makes their own future don't they? So adding them into it shouldn't be hard... in theory... They are my family... and by the Gods I miss them... I think... "~Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by...~" I think sometimes that the years will slip on by before I ever see them again...
Smiling a little I nod, just before that voice speaks again, even closer then before, as if they're sitting right next to me, "~Turnaround...~"
I don't though, turning around, there's nothing there to see. I think about that though and can tell even in my own words there's a double meaning in them. It's strange, I've never had a chance to catch that in most cases, rarely have my words every meant more then they're front value. 'Turnaround', as he says, I could... But like I said, there's nothing there. Turning around could mean looking in the past. But the only thing there are memories, some darker then night, bloody, cold... others warm, bright, ones I hold close...
Then the other meaning to my not turning around; there would be nothing behind me... but I imagine, if I can picture it just right... just how it was all those long months ago... If I can see it then maybe... maybe I can see it now... What did Duo say? Something about me exercising my imagination? I think now, would be a good chance to try that...
Things change... with change comes new things... new feelings... I have a change coming up, my heart tells me this. Tells me I both need this change and crave it, and yet that scares me just ever so much for not knowing what's going to happen... And still, still I will plow on like I've always done. Beasts, animals, don't run until they know they've been bested...
Taking a deep calming breath, trying to focus the picture in my minds eye I slowly sit up, carefully turning my head to the side, letting my eyes slid open as my mouth speaks again on it's own, "~Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes...~" I'm not surprised. I should be. I should be very startled to see what I do now, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I pictured it first, or perhaps because I *needed* to see this? Either way it doesn't matter. Will this be my change? Is this my future? I feel I have a long road before I reach it...
Sitting there, next to me, serenely as the last time I had seen him, is a perfectly slim body, sun kissed golden skin hiding strong compacted muscles with elegantly long limbs; his flight suit hugging him like a second skin, legs drawn up to this chest and arms wrapped around them leaning back against the bench, watching me. Those endless depth, all knowing onyx eyes regarding me with familiarity... even... even some warmth? They sparkle lively underneath the sun's light, his cheeks hold a bit of color to them, but I cannot be sure if that is from the sun or my imagining him as he might have been right after the battle, but with sitting in the overly large observation room...
It's him... He looks freer, like some weight has been lifted from his shoulders... I wonder what that was? If I'll ever see him again to find out, or if he'd tell me.
Smiling a little, sadly, it strikes me hard, at some point in my chest... I miss him. Like with the other three, I miss them all... But... yet something... something remembers him more clearly then the others... something feels different with him...
He smiles, tilting his head a little to the right regarding me as his loose hair fans out on both sides, creating him a small shield from others had we been able to see them, "Heero..." carries on the wind from his lips that didn't seem to move, never changing from the small smile.
I want to reach out to touch him, to reassure myself he's there in some form, that I didn't merely conjure him up from my mind. And I do, find myself in the next instant reaching for him, barely trying to touch his shoulder before... it's gone.
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~ * ~
'
Shooting up in bed panting, I swear quickly, throwing the covers off to sit on the end of the bed, not at all worried about waking up Duo. He sleeps like the Dead. Chuckling at that I guess there's more then one reason he's called Shinigami. heh Go figure.
"Wufei..." I whisper, barely on a breath moving towards the windows to gaze outward. Wufei... Why would I be dreaming about him? And now of all times? Now when I'm not sure even what will happen... glancing towards the clock I see it's nearly three in the morning... Today. I don't know what will happen today, yet I'm dreaming of someone I have not seen in nearly a year. Is this supposed to mean I might see him soon? I've read somewhere that dreams are able to predict the future at some points... I can only wonder if this is what mine will mean, with this change that shall be coming...
Rubbing hands over my face exploding a breath I turn quickly and start gathering things to my chest, exiting the room quietly. Swiftly I cross to the other hallway to the second shower and make short work of getting clean, waking up... Coffee would have to wait. I would take no chance waking Duo... he deals with hyper children on a daily biases, he needs his sleep.
Moving from the bathroom to the kitchen I throw a few thins together, making Duo some lunch while I'm at it before sneaking just as quietly back to the bedroom, digging out the new suitcases Duo had gotten some time before hand. With the precision of the soldier within me I load them with all my meager belongings, leaving only a few choice things for Duo to find, things he will understand... I can write him an e-mail once I figure on where I'm going, where I'll settle for the next time being.
Packing finished I trot off back to the living room snatching up the food supplies in one hand, my suitcase in the other, heading out the door and... Where? Hn. Hadn't thought that far...
Usually I walk to work, Duo walks to his work, it's right around the corner... mine is a near twenty mile walk. Thinking quickly, whether it would do him more justice or myself... I nod, heading off for a darker looking part of town... Given that nearly any part of town looks dark at three in the bloody morning - I've been around Duo too much - I head to the small storage locks there.
Stopping at the entrance, ignoring the inquisitive look the handler gives me, barely lifting and dropping a shoulder back at him I reply, "Yuy, Heero", nodding in a good morning fashion he takes my electronic key unlocking the door a ways down for me and effectively dismissing me. He knows, this will be the last time I'll come here. I did not ask for the key back. Again, there's no need for it, there's nothing left in the block once I get to it.
Walking down, a determined stride back in my steps I feel a slight tingling in my spine I hadn't felt in much too long... the feel of a mission coming on. Smirking I stop in front of my rented block, smirk widening ever so slightly at the gleaming midnight blue vehicle winking back at me.
It's been too long... was my only thought while rounding the vehicle, making sure nothing is amiss with it. As always, there's not. Death would be the only option for someone messing with my baby. Woo, wonder who would think I had issues on that thought. I have two babies at this moment, my truck, a vintage Dodge Ram 2500, four-wheel drive, equipped with a ten inch lift kit, a Dixie air horn (compliments of Shinigami Inc.) and a sparkling chrome roll bar on the back with KC lights. Not to account the few *cough*illegalextras*cough*.
Climbing into the cab I start her up, listening to the engine purr as it had back in her own day. Flicking on the lights, gunning the massive engine once more and I'm out of there heading back for the apartment. I wasn't kidding when I said when I left, that chair was coming with me. If anyone thinks no one can remove a chair of that size from the apartment without waking it's lone resident... then they don't know Heero Yuy very well. I will lower that thing into the back of the truck from the window if I have to. Point in fact is, it's going with me.
Other fact is... Marcus was up down stairs and agreed to help me. I'm not a 'people person' by far, yet there are a few that have managed to get under my skin, nearly like Duo has been able to do. Marcus is a young man of about twenty-two, 6'3', built to either play basketball or football, I've asked him a few times why he didn't play... he just laughed good naturedly saying an old knee injury from when he was younger kept him afraid of trying out. I could understand his reasoning.
An hour later I was thanking him and wishing him well with few words then preceded to head down to McKenzie's Fishin' Wish... an odd name if ever I've heard one, but that is what the dock I work at is called. It's an import station, nearly anything of all types go through there, 24/7.
It's not my shift at the moment, obviously, but I know Danny will be here, and he is the one I need to be seeing at the moment. Seeing the looks thrown my way for driving in, instead of walking - I bet anyone half the guys didn't think I could drive - I secretly grin and stroll up the long stairs greeting the few I know well enough.
It doesn't take long explaining as best I can my reason for leaving. He tries to get me to stay, and I might have, had there not simply been something else calling to me, something else I had to see to and now. Wishing me well, assuring my place should I ever decide to come back I bow, thanking him as much as I can for his honor. There are not many men left like Danny. Once more thanking him I slip from the office, throwing a few last farewells to those I know before heading back to my baby and driving away.
Honestly, I don't know where to go. This land is wide and free...
I did have a thought about Relena earlier, how Duo sounded like her... I guess it couldn't hurt - much - to go see how she's doing. A surprise inspection. Chuckling at that, trying to use my unused imagination to imagine what she'd look like seeing me show up on my own of no one's bidding... let alone untold of coming... I head to the nearest airport to proclaim a transport for myself. One that is set for both land and space, I have a feeling I'll be needing one soon... though I know not how soon.
In the back of my mind, almost as if a part of me is stuck in the park dream, I can hear Wufei's soft, sweet voice whispering to me, "~Turnaround, bright eyes...~" His words reminding me of that day, six months back in the observation room, of how my eyes looked in the reflecting glass, clear and bright.
Not even aware I was speaking to myself... or perhaps I wasn't, maybe that part of my voice was back in the dream as well, the part that answered him, voice just as soft, a hint of determination in it, "~Every now and then I fall apart...~" as if I had just realized how true the words were. Every now and then one did have to fall apart. If not just to fall and see what pieces were strong enough to survive and which ones needed strengthening...
I suppose this was my falling apart. My piece, which needed to be strengthened, and to do that, I needed to be alone again. Duo had his own. He'll find something else, someone else... I think it's fated we would part... Find new pieces to support and strengthen the weak.
Suck up your forces Relena...
The Japanese Inspector's coming to town...
Letting my lips curl into a smirk, bordering on small smile I flip on the radio and keep driving. It would take a while yet to get where I was going, proclaim a transport and be on my say to Sanq... This time however, I felt lighter about going then I normally do... this was something I needed... a good thing...
A change...
.
~oOo~ * ~oOo~ * ~oOo~ * ~oOo~
'
Alrighty! There's the second installment of "Space Chances" ^_^ Hope y'all liked it! heh I admit, Heero's POV wasn't that easy to do... I think I have an eaiser time with Fei's to be truthful... I kept getting sort of Duoish in parts there... but guess that's okies since Heero was living with him for a long while eh? ^_~
Okies! Lemme know how it goes and I'll go get started on the next one! ^_^ I hope no one kills me for working on this and none of my other stories, though I did get some of GWSS7 done, so no one can quite kill me on that one yet. ::laughs grinning:: Though I still seem to be an open target on the other seven stories or so ::sweat drop:: I'll work on 'em! I swear! But this just kicked me in the ass with enough ideas to keep it going, so until I get stuck on it, I'm stickin' to it! ^_^ Take care peoples!
Keep it kickin'!
~ Anime Redneck
'
The Certifiable Songfic Queen
Warai no Megami
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By: Anime Redneck
8-13-03 ~ 8-18-03
'
Archive: If you've got the OK to snag my stuff, then please do! If you don't, then please ask me before you take this one! I'd like to know where these are skipping off to if anywhere heh ^_^
Pairings: it'd give it away wouldn't it, but if you have to know... 2+1, 5+1
Warnings: I was told it's kinda Angsty.. so Angst, sadness.. some goofyness somewhere, I'm sure of it! I can't write total Angst unless it's a deathfic.
Disclaimers: Ah donno own tha Guys! Ah donno own "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler! heh Ah own meh truck an' tha plot, and ye canna 'ave 'em! ^_^
"~Lyrics~"
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~ ^*^ .@. ^*^ ~
Chapter Two: Changes
~ ^*^ .@. ^*^ ~
'
Earth.
It was different. Fresh. Took some time to adjust to after living on a colony all your life. Missions down to Earth were a rarity, something I've learned over the course of a short time not to take for granted. Maybe Duo and Quatre's prodding of my Human side had something to do with the change - though one could never come forward to say it happened 'suddenly'. Nothing in my life is that easy. If it were...
Shaking my head I turn my gaze skyward, taking in the sights around me, the place we've lived (Duo and myself) for the last near half a year now.
Chicago, Earth.
A place Duo has told me time and again he choose for us to live because it reminded him of his 'old town' - aka Colony L2, the roughest parts. I have thanked whoever would listen many times, that he had the common sense not to pick a particular part of Chicago, which resembled L2 Colonies roughest parts. No doubts linger in my mind that we could not have taken them on... It wouldn't be the slightest problem... but I do not wish to damage anyone else... The wars are over... let peace reign, everywhere...
Sometimes, when I walk around like this, no particular destination in mind... an oddity, I admit now. I wonder - What the hell I'm doing here?
I catch my mind leaving me at times, walking down paths that have never much been ventured before... find myself wondering if anyone else besides me has this question running around in their minds. Do people wonder why they're somewhere? What purpose they have in life?
As a former Gundam pilot, this often runs through my tangled brain. I was brought up to know war, to live war, to end war. Ironically enough, I have, and here I still am, trying to fit into the 'normal' way of life.
It's not as unproblematic as some would think. The saying, 'Easier said then done' comes to mind quite often.
I have a job here, not as a Preventer though that position is open always to me if I should ever wish to take it. They're always looking for the best the war had, for people who can't seem to settle into the way life should be without a war. I suppose it's a rather comforting thing to know... that solders are not merely being thrown away into the hectic hell some call life, outside of war. But that place is not for me.
Taking a seat at the Preventers isn't something I have not thought about - quite the contrary; I've thought about it many times. Shuffling around the office, sitting behind a desk, is not something I could do... Gomen, that in itself is not correct. I *could* do it, if I had to... yet it is not something I *want* to do. Fieldwork would suit me excellently; on one hand, anyway. Then there's the other where people have a chance to die in the field... something I neither wish to do, or cause. Harming someone is the coins completely other side - I would have no problem harming a person in self defense or, if - No, I guess self defense is all there would be in the field if they retaliated, ne?
Anomalous thoughts to be coming out of Heero Yuy's head, ne?
I believe if I were more 'outgoing' I would chuckle and smile at that. They are some particular thoughts, but the truths nonetheless. I have done away with those days... I don't want to kill. I don't want to be a part of any sort of military units. They bring back memories, which are better left in the darker pits of forgetful places in my being.
Have I mentioned we've been here half year? That I've only been able to see the others on vidcoms or when Quatre's business brings him to Earth? Not too long ago it wouldn't have seemed that long... but now, just living with Duo... it seems to have stretched, yawned into an eternity; with no likely clue why that is...
Earth is different from the colonies. Everything here is sharper, fresher; the storms bring in a distinct crisp smell on their frigid winds, the rain and lightening and thunder that no colony in space could every hope to recreate captures my attention every time the shows come. It's a new experience whenever it happens; no one is the same, and that's what I find... fascinating, about them... I think.
When we first arrived here, Duo started showing me - or attempted to - the "small things" in life that made it all worth living... Somehow I find myself believing I've only managed to capture half of what he was trying to show me - the love of storms being one of those things. It's impossible to take in everything one might have to show you and understand it all right away as to why it's so captivating, why they would make you want to live longer... If pushed, I will grudgingly admit, some of those things... have become somewhat of a... advantage, to have noticed.
So little things are able to bring people a sense of peace, if only for a little while... without my friends - my family - I might never have realized this.
Moving into the two bedroom apartment in mid-upscale Chicago, with Duo, I won't say was a... a brilliant idea... maybe at the time it was a convenient idea? It's hard to say, from that time to now, what I was exactly thinking. I don't understand things still at times... There are moments when I have doubts, where... where there was another path I could have taken; as with Zero showing me the future... There appear to be many paths, and you can only take one... Other times, I think it was the correct thing to do... Often then not lately, I've my doubts.
Duo Maxwell is a charismatic young man. He loves all around him, loves everything near him... Everything seems to mean something to him... Not much that I've taken note of appears to be able to bring him down from his high on life. I personally, would never try... a time or two just to get his head out of the clouds, but... it almost seems that's where he belongs. Is there a place anywhere, Earth or Space, which he does not belong?
Now and then, perhaps all your life, there are times when you cannot help but credit something or another to someone... Someone that comes along and shows you something, gives you a gift, which, later in life, would come to mean the world to you... There will always be a person there to share something. I have realized this in the last year - more so in the half that I've lived with Duo.
I trust I have much to credit to this young man. Naming the things, small or large, would in all likelihood, take near forever, so I don't attempt it. But I do owe him much... A lesser man would say they owe nothing to anyone... I don't consider myself above anyone, far from it... sighing, I suppose I shouldn't say anything of a 'lesser' man... then again, Duo would whap me upside the head for thinking it, let alone saying something about it...
Duo...
Taking in the night's fading sky, I wonder where he would be at this moment. On his way home, I know, but where? Could he passing 109th Street? Maybe crossing on to Smitson Dr.? It's anyone's guess, let alone mine, where the braided fool would be on his way home... His path changes you see... I think he can't forget something from his childhood - something he's had a time with - and continues to replay parts from it. However this is only one young man's guess on another.
Duo "Shinigami" Maxwell...
Turning down Blossomer St, cutting up to Tenshi'sKeep, shaking my head I enter the downstairs parlor of our apartment complex, already knowing I've beaten him here, from wherever he is.
Over the last year, Duo has changed... A slight occurrence, which lately, has been catching my eye, my senses more and more. I don't know when it started, possibly a few months before now... Recalling and reviewing my memories not, it seems likely. By some means, I can't seem to bring up what the first clue was to his behavioral changing. This doesn't sit well with me. A few things don't really, but... not remembering a single change, a single shift in my koibito's life which, spared others is a happening perhaps others would not like not remembering as well, ne?
In any case. We have - or should I say had? - a good life together. For a while, I suppose it was 'great'... Only life I've really ever known outside of the Wars, would be the best I could (or not) imagine. Sometime after moving into the sixth floor suit, buying new furniture - which was hell in itself! You have no idea what shopping with Duo Maxwell is like... How many stores you get tugged around to regardless if you absolutly needed to visit them or not... heh Child at heart is what he shall ever be. I have to admit though; it was fun watching him bounce around as if on a sugar high with ants following him around. It' s an amusing sight... maybe, perhaps even; Wufei would have laughed a little at it...
Once we settled in, Duo found a job at a local high school teaching gym class. Fitting for him, really. It's a chance to be around others his age, teach them things, have a sort of 'childhood' outside the only one he's ever known. Let not Ares above forget that those kids have more in common with Duo then any in our family - if you subtract the whole fighting in the Eve Wars bit that is. It also gives him a chance to stay in shape, not that some other... things... don't present themselves a form of helping his shape that is. And he enjoys it. I can't pick out many memories from the Wars, or his telling of the past but a few, that he actually seemed to enjoy...
I, on the other hand, stayed at home the first few months - just two, I believe... trying to collect and sort my thoughts, feelings, what I was going to do now. What job does a Soldier take on? Someone whose brain capacity would near literally blow away some people's minds with the amount I can do, and in a short period of time. Whose physical enhancements are more then a man of three hundred pounds, near nothing but muscle, could contend with? I'm small, but my size should not let anyone under guess my abilities. I can, and have, easily crushing things without meaning to; just by forgetting I possess more strength then the normal human being.
It is a fact I tend to need to forget; if just to feel a bit human inside. Not an outcast.
Needless to say, I eventually got a job working down at the docks. It is a pleasant chance of wonders, to have found, I suppose... I'm still not real sure which words to use at times to describe things... 'Pleasant', 'Wonderful', 'Nice'... which one would really be correct for this? I still have a lot to learn, even with all currently crammed into my head from training since I was four.
The job however, with lack of the correct word usage, is a efficient one to have chosen. There's heavy lifting, plenty of walking, climbing... you do many physical things there that help to keep ones body in shape. I believe this is why there people I see everyday are there - I could be wrong, however, they all have near perfect builds... almost seeming as if they're training for something... Shaking my head I sigh, they might not, but then again... who am I to know?
I've met a few guys then, men really... I don't know why I keep doing this... I guess, working/terrorizing during the war with mere kids my own age, I tend to leave off anything for people over my age. We're only seventeen years old, and yet... give us any sort of test and we'll prove we've a mind of an adult - if not passing some adults... I don't do the age thing, I don't really see it anymore unless someone I've sighted is near the later years... those people, the ones that look like 'Grandparents', tend to leave an odd softening, a warming of my chest for some reason... I have yet to discover why... But I'm switching carts here airn't I?
At work, on the docks, there are a few guys I've taken to talking to, albeit a little. They don't seem to mind that I don't speak all that much, in fact; they seem pleased by it for a strange reason. Are children today really all that bad? Do they speak of things rather best kept to their own ages? Hn. This could be why... indeed; I do not speak of oddball happenings, the 'new groves' in town and what not. Frankly, I'm pleased I do not; I don't understand them - any of them.
Sliding the key into the lock, striding quickly over to the sidewall shutting off the alarm system I throw my bag to the couch and make way into the kitchen for something to eat. I enjoy my job, the first I've ever had... and walking to and from work is nice, but I find I'm eating more now then I ever have. Still have yet to gain another pound though, so I can't complain, I guess. Duo seems to find it amusing. I haven't gathered why yet, probably never will... Ares knows I'm not going to ask him.
Again, sitting with a newly made sandwich and drink, the question of 'Why the hell I'm here?' crosses my mind.
So much has changed, and not all for the better - not in the last few months. Something is happening with Duo and I've yet to figure out what. It seems I have a lot to learn when it comes to figuring people out... Maybe some just weren't meant to be figured out, Duo could certainly be placed in this category. Then, on the other, it could just be me that can't be figured out. Shrug. Who knows? I certainly don't.
When we first arrived here, it was 'all good', as Duo loves to say. We had a home, Duo had found a wonderful job he loved, kids he could have fun with and teach at the same time... Thinking of the problems, the mischief they all could combine into has kept me up some nights... Soon, very soon after settling in we became lovers. Something I had never expected - Ever. Least of all, I think, from him. I didn't see myself worthy. He was, is, too bright, too alive to be soiled by the likes of my gloomy darkness. Yet he came to me... I know he loves me, he's said as much many times - I can *feel* it.
I feel for him, something strong, but I don't know what kind of love it is... Many times when alone I've slammed my fists into the walls around me, frustrated because there was something about me, something I felt and couldn't figure it out. I *do* love Duo. I do. But I also know, have learned over the years, there are different kinds of Loves... You've the parent and child love, a love for a friend, love for a sibling, and then real love... a love between you and a person you can't live without...
This is what's effectively pissing me off! What the Hell am I feeling for Duo now!? Why in the name of the War God Ares, am I still here!? WHY!?
Things have changed. Duo has changed... I still love him... Even with not knowing what exactly this love feeling is I hold for him, I know it would never change. At any rate, living without him? Hn. I believe it would be hard, harder then the Eve Wars perhaps... He was my light back then, still is now... but things change... I could live with him, I could damn well live without him, if need be... Sadly, when I think about it... It's looking that way real soon.
Why the hell am I still here?
If everything I've been feeling the last few months, everything I've been seeing and trying not to see, are correct... I should have been gone long ago. Duo would be all right; he can live through anything life throws at him...
Standing, stretching to pop stiff joints, loosen muscles, I move to sit in my favorite leather chair in the corner. I've never had something that was truly mine, something I would never be without... if I had, this would be it... I think some people - the other guys, would smile and chuckle at me here... It's a wonderful chair though, honestly. You sit in it and the leather just seems to sink under you, tugging your form deeper and curling about you... I love my chair. Chuckling I shake my head humored at myself. Despite the sadness I know will grip me when I leave - there's no other way to stay - I'm taking my chair with me. I also love it because it's in a shadowed corner, you can't see me unless the lights are on; they're not.
I've observed Duo over the course of ninety-three days since my first assumption something was wrong. Different. Not right. It started as a feeling of something being off... out of line. It was the night Duo came home late. Not something major, I suppose to others, yet when you have someone loved, that comes home later then the usual, when there's no other reason for them being at school late... you wonder. Possible he could've been hanging out with a few of the kids. Even I've thought of that, it's not all that uncommon... I guess. Honestly wouldn't know.
There were other nights... nights he'd come in later then normal. School let out around three in the afternoon, he'd come home around six or seven those nights... What was he doing for those three to four hours afterwards? Do parents normally let their kids stay out that late on school nights, high school or not? Another thing I don't know.
Then there were the days he would leave a little earlier in the mornings, get home a little later at nights, be a little more withdrawn... a little more distant... In the short years I've known Duo Maxwell I've never seen him - once - become withdrawn from a friend.
"Luuuccy... I'm home!"
Then there's me, whom he seemed to center around, constantly. What happened to him? To us? Once or thrice, I've had a thought pass by that he has grown tired of me. And maybe... that's not entirely the wrong idea. I'm sure it could happen... with someone as lively as him, with someone as devoid, unknowing of life, like me.
"Heero?"
I don't know what I would do now... if I choose to leave... or even how I should leave. I know there's not real set way on how one should... but I believe there's bound to be rules to this engagement... something one should follow while doing so. I just don't... I don't know what I want to do anymore... Being here is nice, and then, it's sad all the same... if that makes sense. Like I want to be here, yet I don't. My chest tightens at the thought of staying, and at the thought of leaving... I've been debating which one hurts the most; I've drawn no real conclusions.
"Hey love, ya home?"
I can hear him shuffling around in the darkness that need only a light to scare away. Duo likes it dark though, says his times on the streets and being a master of stealth helps with his night vision. I can't default him for that notion; I've seen the results more then once already. I don't call back to him; something keeps my mouth still, my mind running around in circles as it has the last few days.
"Hee-love?"
He's by the refrigerator now, if he only turned around while opening it, he might glimpse some part of me reclined in my chair; but he doesn't. There's something about his trusting his instincts that gets to me. Almost... almost as if he trusts them, then second-guesses them. That bothers me. One should always trust their instincts at first comings: they save your life more then not.
"Heero? Heero I know you're here!"
Of course you do, I want to say, but keep quiet. There's something about watching him fiddle around that's near amusing. I can't keep the smirk from crawling upon my lips while observing him. He knows the layout like the back of his hand, yet he's ramming into the table edge, spiking his foot a good one, I can just make out his shadowed form jumping around, yipping like an injured dog. I don't know why that amuses me... Perchance it's his stubbornness of just reaching out to turn on a light and see to walk that does it. More then not that's what it is I'm sure.
"Heeeerroo!!" he whines now, reminding me of Relena.
Getting up quietly from my seat I walk to the back of the apartment, gently opening and closing the door behind me. I have this feeling in my chest, telling me I shouldn't speak to Duo tonight... to just let him be, to go to sleep now and think, maybe dream some more... Then tomorrow... tomorrow things would change... How? I'm not really sure.
You know I've lived my life from day to day, trusting in my emotions like my mentor, the only father figure I've really known, Oldin Lowe taught me... Doctor J wasn't a bad mentor either, a little "screwed up" in the brain on some fronts I think, but he took me in, taught me all I needed to know to survive and finish the wars... I'm, sad, that they're both gone... and thankful I had the chance to know them for the short time I did... But I cherish their advice. So I follow what my emotions, what my heart tells me. It tells me that tomorrow there will be a change... a change for the better hoping... a change that'll give life back into my weary existence.
I had life here, for a good long while... now it seems I only exist. I can't say what I exist for though... Used to be it was the Wars... then for Duo... With Duo I was alive... Ah, I seem I've used pastence there... Now I'm just... Here. I wake up, go to work, eat lunch talking a little with the few people there that care, walk home, eat and sleep... sometimes when Duo's not distant, we share the night... but...
Giving myself a mental shake I shuck out of the clothes I chose that morning, throwing them to one side of the bed, leaving me in my navy blue boxers and socks. Glancing around the room once, having an evilly good notion to lock the door... heh smirking I decide it wouldn't be nice, and crawl into bed, waiting, listening, for when the door will open, when Duo will slip in and try seeing if I'm really awake or not. He's tried many times before... there's only been twice when I couldn't fool him into believing I was asleep. He's a sharp kid, that Duo.
"Hee-love...?" the quiet whisper comes moments later, footfalls softly shuffling along the thick carpet over to the bed. Then the mattress sinks, giving way to his bodies weight as he leans over lightly watching. I don't have to open my eyes to tell he's on his knees, arms crossed pillowing his chin on them, watching. I can feel his breath barely brush my cheeks, it's hard to stay still, to not reaching out and brush his long bangs from that beautiful face, but I keep from doing so. I've the urge to scoot over towards him, as I find myself doing at nights anyways, seeking out his bodies warmth and curling next to it.
Whoever would have imagined that Heero Yuy, the once Perfect Soldier, liked to cuddle?
A sigh, "Heero... What's goin' on buddy?" he asks. I want to ask the same thing, but again, something keeps me from saying anything at all, just taking deep, even breaths, to appear sleeping. I know he can't tell the difference between either at the moment, because one hand reaches out, almost carefully to sweep some of my bangs backwards, only to let them fall back into place again. "M'sorra love..." he say what for, doesn't say why he's sorry and it aches. Why is he sorry? What's been going on with him that he can't tell me?
Heaving a sigh of my own, a purely natural one anyone asleep would let loose, I tilt my head into his hand now cupping my cheek. Somehow, even with all the questions scrolling along in my brain I can't be mad at him, I can't be angry... I know, maybe I should - others probably would. Nonetheless I can't. Duo has given me so much since the time I've known him, I don't deserve to be angry at him for something like this... I can only take in what he gives, hold it close, forever, no matter what happens.
A change is coming... a change I both need, crave... and fear. A change I believe, in my heart, will take me away from him... Now, in the calmness of night, with Duo crawling in behind me, snuggling close... I know that wherever I go, he will always be with me... Like everyone else, he will forever be a part of me... and maybe... maybe this is what he needs too. Maybe he fears change also... Together we were stronger... then perhaps it could work in reverse, with us being apart, we could only get better...
Sighing once more, this time contently, for whatever may come. I turn over, snuggling up to his chest, burring my head beneath his chin, feeling his arms wrap around me protectively. heh It's a strange notion that... Him protecting me... should be the other way around... yet as my eyes droop closed on their own, I can't help be feel a small bit grateful that someone is looking out for me this time...
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~ * ~
'
I'm dreaming. It's an odd feeling, when one knows they're dreaming. Seeing something that could be so real, yet a place you've never been or seen.
It's a wooded area, I notice spinning around to get my bearings, even if I don't know where I am. Greenish-brown grass beneath my feet, more green then brown, as if it had been dying then suddenly got a second wind of life springing back. There are trees, plenty of trees providing cover from the sun above. A little ways away I can see shimmering blue, as if a lake or small pond, more trees, bushes and benches.
I'm in a park... a park or natural woodland, but that... that doesn't seem right. Looking up and over, straining my eyes sight I can pick out the tall rises of buildings further off... So I'm in a park, a nice one at that.
I haven't a clue why I'm here, how my mind pictured up a swirling fountain some feet away of two children caught in mid run... the little boy in front has arms extended, a small ball of sorts captured between his little hands, his face is one of laughter, wearing overall shorts and small boots. The little girl, behind the boy has one arm extended as if trying to catch the other, her face mirroring that joy, her other hands reaching backwards, as if mid swing, her little knee length dress swirling around her, small cute looking strapped shoes on her feet. Around them each on the base of their small pedestal sprout shoots of water, arching halfway up their height then over and into the small pool below.
Walking forward, closer, kneeling where a sparkle of metal has caught my attention I see a small plaque stating: Always Hope. Feeling a small smile tug at my lips I stand, nodding. There is always hope, one simply has to believe that... At times though it is not so easy to keep a hold on that hope. It slips away so easily.
Frowning a little at that thought I turn away, looking for somewhere else to go. I can hear the laughter, cheers and voices of other people, people sounding like they're having a grand time at this park... and yet I see no one. A moment later I resist the urge to snap my head around as a little girls laughing voice runs straight past me, disappearing off into the distance beyond.
Why am I here?
Have I seen this place and just not remembered it? Was I younger and been here with Oldin? Maybe a place I visited before being transferred over into Doctor J's hands? I see that even if it didn't matter, my mind has once again delivered me to that one question, forever to roam in my mind: Why am I here?
"...Heero..."
Who? Turning, eyes darting here or there, trying to pick out the speaker I wonder who is here? Who has my mind cooked up to be in this wondrous looking place with me? "Nani?" Well, I guess that's better then the customary 'Hn' I was about to grunt out. Speech isn't my forte.
"~Turnaround...~"
The voice comes again, closer this time. So I turn, thinking him behind me, and see no one. I know the voice though... the smooth timbre, the rich depth... I know, and yet I'm having trouble placing it... It is a dream after all, they're not all meant to be crystal clear, from what I can recall about researching them long ago.
Looking harder, seeing no one I decide its time to sit down, to rest and just listen. Walking to an off colored green bench I do just that, leaning into it's back, closing my eyes to listen to the sounds around me. The birds singing, children laughing, parents lightly scolding little ones...My mind drifts back to days I try hardest to leave locked up in the small area in my mind, never to be touched unless darker dreams come, darker things that have the power to dredge up those memories. There's times when I can't remember half of why I locked them away in the first place...
It is while I'm searching that place, tiptoeing around in its darkness that a certain memory jumps out at me, threatening to bite me in the ass if I don't move.
And then I remember.
I remember a reason why I locked some of them away... I remember whose voice, a voice I had not heard since that day on the ship... so many back... As I open my mouth to reply, to seek the question that would gain me my answer... I'm shocked when something else exits my mouth instead, "~Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around...~" What the hell was that?
Next thing I here is a light chuckle, almost amused and sad, at my mental questioning. "~Turnaround...~" I don't move now. There would really be no point in it... no one would be there, only that voice... a voice from long ago.
Why was my mouth peaking something other then what I had ordered it to? Was this something that happened in dreams normally? Or am I merely 'watching' something that might come in the future? Minus the missing bodies to all the voices I hear around me... I can only wonder, however, for this dream is not in my powers. "~Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears...~"
If it were possible to kill my own voice, I believe I would do so. There are few who are privileged to know what my heart speaks. I at times am not even one of them, let alone in my own little world to ponder what I truly feel, what I truly want... it is not an easy thing to understand. You cannot merely just teach someone to be a weapon then throw them aside once the wars are over and hope they will understand the non-weapon side of themselves just finely. I was lucky enough Duo wanted to keep me with him, to have him show me, help me, understand some little bit of that side of me... it's helped.
"~Turnaround...~" the sweet, light, baritone voice speaks up, seemingly closer to me, just a few yards off to my right...
Will I ever seem them again? With this change will the others be in my future more often? One makes their own future don't they? So adding them into it shouldn't be hard... in theory... They are my family... and by the Gods I miss them... I think... "~Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by...~" I think sometimes that the years will slip on by before I ever see them again...
Smiling a little I nod, just before that voice speaks again, even closer then before, as if they're sitting right next to me, "~Turnaround...~"
I don't though, turning around, there's nothing there to see. I think about that though and can tell even in my own words there's a double meaning in them. It's strange, I've never had a chance to catch that in most cases, rarely have my words every meant more then they're front value. 'Turnaround', as he says, I could... But like I said, there's nothing there. Turning around could mean looking in the past. But the only thing there are memories, some darker then night, bloody, cold... others warm, bright, ones I hold close...
Then the other meaning to my not turning around; there would be nothing behind me... but I imagine, if I can picture it just right... just how it was all those long months ago... If I can see it then maybe... maybe I can see it now... What did Duo say? Something about me exercising my imagination? I think now, would be a good chance to try that...
Things change... with change comes new things... new feelings... I have a change coming up, my heart tells me this. Tells me I both need this change and crave it, and yet that scares me just ever so much for not knowing what's going to happen... And still, still I will plow on like I've always done. Beasts, animals, don't run until they know they've been bested...
Taking a deep calming breath, trying to focus the picture in my minds eye I slowly sit up, carefully turning my head to the side, letting my eyes slid open as my mouth speaks again on it's own, "~Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes...~" I'm not surprised. I should be. I should be very startled to see what I do now, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I pictured it first, or perhaps because I *needed* to see this? Either way it doesn't matter. Will this be my change? Is this my future? I feel I have a long road before I reach it...
Sitting there, next to me, serenely as the last time I had seen him, is a perfectly slim body, sun kissed golden skin hiding strong compacted muscles with elegantly long limbs; his flight suit hugging him like a second skin, legs drawn up to this chest and arms wrapped around them leaning back against the bench, watching me. Those endless depth, all knowing onyx eyes regarding me with familiarity... even... even some warmth? They sparkle lively underneath the sun's light, his cheeks hold a bit of color to them, but I cannot be sure if that is from the sun or my imagining him as he might have been right after the battle, but with sitting in the overly large observation room...
It's him... He looks freer, like some weight has been lifted from his shoulders... I wonder what that was? If I'll ever see him again to find out, or if he'd tell me.
Smiling a little, sadly, it strikes me hard, at some point in my chest... I miss him. Like with the other three, I miss them all... But... yet something... something remembers him more clearly then the others... something feels different with him...
He smiles, tilting his head a little to the right regarding me as his loose hair fans out on both sides, creating him a small shield from others had we been able to see them, "Heero..." carries on the wind from his lips that didn't seem to move, never changing from the small smile.
I want to reach out to touch him, to reassure myself he's there in some form, that I didn't merely conjure him up from my mind. And I do, find myself in the next instant reaching for him, barely trying to touch his shoulder before... it's gone.
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~ * ~
'
Shooting up in bed panting, I swear quickly, throwing the covers off to sit on the end of the bed, not at all worried about waking up Duo. He sleeps like the Dead. Chuckling at that I guess there's more then one reason he's called Shinigami. heh Go figure.
"Wufei..." I whisper, barely on a breath moving towards the windows to gaze outward. Wufei... Why would I be dreaming about him? And now of all times? Now when I'm not sure even what will happen... glancing towards the clock I see it's nearly three in the morning... Today. I don't know what will happen today, yet I'm dreaming of someone I have not seen in nearly a year. Is this supposed to mean I might see him soon? I've read somewhere that dreams are able to predict the future at some points... I can only wonder if this is what mine will mean, with this change that shall be coming...
Rubbing hands over my face exploding a breath I turn quickly and start gathering things to my chest, exiting the room quietly. Swiftly I cross to the other hallway to the second shower and make short work of getting clean, waking up... Coffee would have to wait. I would take no chance waking Duo... he deals with hyper children on a daily biases, he needs his sleep.
Moving from the bathroom to the kitchen I throw a few thins together, making Duo some lunch while I'm at it before sneaking just as quietly back to the bedroom, digging out the new suitcases Duo had gotten some time before hand. With the precision of the soldier within me I load them with all my meager belongings, leaving only a few choice things for Duo to find, things he will understand... I can write him an e-mail once I figure on where I'm going, where I'll settle for the next time being.
Packing finished I trot off back to the living room snatching up the food supplies in one hand, my suitcase in the other, heading out the door and... Where? Hn. Hadn't thought that far...
Usually I walk to work, Duo walks to his work, it's right around the corner... mine is a near twenty mile walk. Thinking quickly, whether it would do him more justice or myself... I nod, heading off for a darker looking part of town... Given that nearly any part of town looks dark at three in the bloody morning - I've been around Duo too much - I head to the small storage locks there.
Stopping at the entrance, ignoring the inquisitive look the handler gives me, barely lifting and dropping a shoulder back at him I reply, "Yuy, Heero", nodding in a good morning fashion he takes my electronic key unlocking the door a ways down for me and effectively dismissing me. He knows, this will be the last time I'll come here. I did not ask for the key back. Again, there's no need for it, there's nothing left in the block once I get to it.
Walking down, a determined stride back in my steps I feel a slight tingling in my spine I hadn't felt in much too long... the feel of a mission coming on. Smirking I stop in front of my rented block, smirk widening ever so slightly at the gleaming midnight blue vehicle winking back at me.
It's been too long... was my only thought while rounding the vehicle, making sure nothing is amiss with it. As always, there's not. Death would be the only option for someone messing with my baby. Woo, wonder who would think I had issues on that thought. I have two babies at this moment, my truck, a vintage Dodge Ram 2500, four-wheel drive, equipped with a ten inch lift kit, a Dixie air horn (compliments of Shinigami Inc.) and a sparkling chrome roll bar on the back with KC lights. Not to account the few *cough*illegalextras*cough*.
Climbing into the cab I start her up, listening to the engine purr as it had back in her own day. Flicking on the lights, gunning the massive engine once more and I'm out of there heading back for the apartment. I wasn't kidding when I said when I left, that chair was coming with me. If anyone thinks no one can remove a chair of that size from the apartment without waking it's lone resident... then they don't know Heero Yuy very well. I will lower that thing into the back of the truck from the window if I have to. Point in fact is, it's going with me.
Other fact is... Marcus was up down stairs and agreed to help me. I'm not a 'people person' by far, yet there are a few that have managed to get under my skin, nearly like Duo has been able to do. Marcus is a young man of about twenty-two, 6'3', built to either play basketball or football, I've asked him a few times why he didn't play... he just laughed good naturedly saying an old knee injury from when he was younger kept him afraid of trying out. I could understand his reasoning.
An hour later I was thanking him and wishing him well with few words then preceded to head down to McKenzie's Fishin' Wish... an odd name if ever I've heard one, but that is what the dock I work at is called. It's an import station, nearly anything of all types go through there, 24/7.
It's not my shift at the moment, obviously, but I know Danny will be here, and he is the one I need to be seeing at the moment. Seeing the looks thrown my way for driving in, instead of walking - I bet anyone half the guys didn't think I could drive - I secretly grin and stroll up the long stairs greeting the few I know well enough.
It doesn't take long explaining as best I can my reason for leaving. He tries to get me to stay, and I might have, had there not simply been something else calling to me, something else I had to see to and now. Wishing me well, assuring my place should I ever decide to come back I bow, thanking him as much as I can for his honor. There are not many men left like Danny. Once more thanking him I slip from the office, throwing a few last farewells to those I know before heading back to my baby and driving away.
Honestly, I don't know where to go. This land is wide and free...
I did have a thought about Relena earlier, how Duo sounded like her... I guess it couldn't hurt - much - to go see how she's doing. A surprise inspection. Chuckling at that, trying to use my unused imagination to imagine what she'd look like seeing me show up on my own of no one's bidding... let alone untold of coming... I head to the nearest airport to proclaim a transport for myself. One that is set for both land and space, I have a feeling I'll be needing one soon... though I know not how soon.
In the back of my mind, almost as if a part of me is stuck in the park dream, I can hear Wufei's soft, sweet voice whispering to me, "~Turnaround, bright eyes...~" His words reminding me of that day, six months back in the observation room, of how my eyes looked in the reflecting glass, clear and bright.
Not even aware I was speaking to myself... or perhaps I wasn't, maybe that part of my voice was back in the dream as well, the part that answered him, voice just as soft, a hint of determination in it, "~Every now and then I fall apart...~" as if I had just realized how true the words were. Every now and then one did have to fall apart. If not just to fall and see what pieces were strong enough to survive and which ones needed strengthening...
I suppose this was my falling apart. My piece, which needed to be strengthened, and to do that, I needed to be alone again. Duo had his own. He'll find something else, someone else... I think it's fated we would part... Find new pieces to support and strengthen the weak.
Suck up your forces Relena...
The Japanese Inspector's coming to town...
Letting my lips curl into a smirk, bordering on small smile I flip on the radio and keep driving. It would take a while yet to get where I was going, proclaim a transport and be on my say to Sanq... This time however, I felt lighter about going then I normally do... this was something I needed... a good thing...
A change...
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~oOo~ * ~oOo~ * ~oOo~ * ~oOo~
'
Alrighty! There's the second installment of "Space Chances" ^_^ Hope y'all liked it! heh I admit, Heero's POV wasn't that easy to do... I think I have an eaiser time with Fei's to be truthful... I kept getting sort of Duoish in parts there... but guess that's okies since Heero was living with him for a long while eh? ^_~
Okies! Lemme know how it goes and I'll go get started on the next one! ^_^ I hope no one kills me for working on this and none of my other stories, though I did get some of GWSS7 done, so no one can quite kill me on that one yet. ::laughs grinning:: Though I still seem to be an open target on the other seven stories or so ::sweat drop:: I'll work on 'em! I swear! But this just kicked me in the ass with enough ideas to keep it going, so until I get stuck on it, I'm stickin' to it! ^_^ Take care peoples!
Keep it kickin'!
~ Anime Redneck
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The Certifiable Songfic Queen
Warai no Megami
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