A/N: The plot bunny bit me. Actually, the Porn-without-Plot bunny bit me, but it turns out I'm not so good at the porn and am overly attached to plot, so it's more Plot-without-Porn. Saying that, for an R it's pretty raunchy, though I've seen dirtier 'round here before.
This is Slash. It's also Kyp/Jag. Please don't leave a review going on about how that's sick, or why you hate this pairing, or why it would never happen in canon. All it tells me is that (a) you have a different opinion to me, (b) you didn't read this note and (c) you're a bit close-minded for not being able to accept non-canon pairings. I always felt the whole point of fanfiction was to experiment with things that aren't going to appear in the canon. I'm not asking for glowing sycophancy, just a bit of common sense. If you know already that this isn't going to be your cup of tea, don't waste your time reading it and my time reviewing it.
Warnings: (bit defunct, after that, huh?) slash, citrus, angst, sap…
Time frame: NJO. Spoilers for all the books so far, though this is kind of set in some between-book stasis, with a situation that hasn't happened, i.e. Jag and Jacen sharing a room. Look, when this was PWP it fit just fine, 'kay? ^_^
Big rant, huh? Sorry, I just generally write for very slash-orientated fandoms, so I may have gone a bit overboard with the warnings. Plus I don't want anyone getting upset because they learn something they didn't want to know.
* Mwa * R&R? C&C? S&M… perhaps not ^_^
Kyp thumbed the door open tiredly and was rather surprised to find someone already in there. Jag gave him an apologetic look from his seat on the bed, directly opposite the door. It didn't take a genius to figure out something was wrong. Before Kyp could ask, Jag got the first word in.
"So, how did the date go?"
"Don't know," Kyp grimaced, "I wasn't on it."
"Oh dear," Jag's lips twisted. Kyp could sense a guilty amusement coming from the younger man, and didn't begrudge him for it.
"I got there just in time to see her go off with someone else," Kyp said by way of explanation. "No great loss, I suppose."
"Probably not," Jag said agreeably.
"So, are you going to tell me what you're doing in my quarters at this force-forsaken hour, or am I going to have to use Jedi mind tricks to get it out of you?" Kyp ask, sitting down beside jag. Jag shot a pointed look at the chrono mounted beside the bed. "Fin," Kyp grumbled good-naturedly, "what are you doing here at this perfectly reasonable hour?"
Jag didn't answer for a minute, and Kyp didn't push him, using the space to kick off his boots.
"I think I'm going to have to end it with Jaina," Jag said heavily. Kyp waited for him to go on. "I thought… I thought she loved me. I said it, she didn't. I can't believe I didn't spot that then." Jag sighed and leant against the wall of the small room, staring at the ceiling. "We never fight. I mean, we bicker occasionally, and we disagree, but we haven't actually had a row. Silly me, I thought that was a good thing," he added bitterly.
Kyp's brow furrowed in a startled frown. "So did I," he said in confusion.
Jag shook his head. "It's like she's not there half the time. I'm not an idiot. I know when I'm being used."
"Jaina's been through a lot-" Kyp began, but fell quiet at Jag's irritable wave.
"No, no, no," Jag muttered. "I mean, yes she has, but that's why this is all wrong, you see? I thought I was helping her get back on her feet. Instead I'm being the crutch that keeps her off them. She's using everyone for emotional support just now. I can't claim to understand this whole dark side of the force thing, not like you can, but every time it feels like I'm getting close to her she pulls away because she can't trust herself."
"It's a hard thing to come back from," Kyp said softly. "But I can see what you mean. A lot of bad things happened to her in a short space of time. Sometimes she pushes us away because she doesn't want to put herself at more risk, sometimes she's pulls us close so she can feel loved, but she's in no rush to return it."
Jag gave Kyp a speculative look. "Us?" he muttered.
"I don't know," Kyp sighed. "Have you ever wondered why she keeps me around? I mean, seriously?"
"I wonder why she keeps everyone around, and draw the same conclusions you did." Jag punched the mattress, hard. "I feel like a terrible person, but I think she's being selfish."
"She is," Kyp said simply. "Probably didn't help encouraging her to do that whole goddess thing either."
"I'm a better pilot than her," Jag said abruptly. "You're a more powerful Jedi. Yet we're running to fulfil her every whim. Even now the goddess thing has been dropped. The bloody military are pandering to her. She's not the only one to lose people dear to her. She's not the only one to suffer. Yet when you try to tell her that, she makes out that you're belittling her pain."
"You really are angry with her, aren't you?" Kyp said, trying to force down the growing resentment Jag's fury was fuelling in his own chest.
"I'm angry with myself for letting it get this bad. I knew she wasn't in any kind of emotional state to be getting into a relationship when this began, so I deliberately kept it slow. It didn't stop me falling for her though, hard." Jag ran a hand through his short hair.
"What kicked all this off?" Kyp asked, knowing the Jag wanted to tell him, but wouldn't without prompting.
"When I told her I loved her, she asked me to stop saying that."
"Sith," Kyp murmured. He reached out and put an arm around Jag, who leant into him unexpectedly.
"I wanted to know why, and she came out with the usual stuff about feeling pressured. I never meant to do that. I told her that. I asked her about where she was, in relationship terms. She told me about the dark side, and losing her brother, and, well, I was stunned. I asked her what the loss of my brother, and sister, meant to her. She shrugged. She said she assumed I was over them, since I had reached a point where I could love her. They're dead. Of course it still hurts me to think of them. And then it kind of hit me that, well, this wasn't going to work out. Jaina doesn't care."
Kyp couldn't do anything but nod. He loved Jaina as much as Jag, sometimes, but a more pragmatic nature had made him cautious. Once bitten twice shy. He had no intention of risking any of his current friendships on a rushed relationship.
"Maybe we could make it last until the war ends, for better or worse, but after that?" Jag went on. "Without the pressure constant stress puts on a relationship, we wouldn't have a relationship. I'm just fulfilling her needs, but she isn't fulfilling mine. I can't do this," he said, voice on the verge of cracking. "I need my brother so much right now, and he's dead, and Jaina just shrugged. But I don't want to hurt her," he went on voice, sliding into pleading. "I love her. She's too fragile right now."
"But you want to stop hurting," Kyp said for him. It disturbed him to see his normally austere and calm friend so upset. He tightened his grip around Jag's shoulders, uncomfortable at offering any more comfort than that.
"You're supposed to say it'll look better in the morning," Jag prompted after a moment.
"Oh. Right. Yes. Everything looks better after a sleep. I expect you want to go back to you're quarters?" Kyp asked.
"Who do I share my quarters with, right now?"
"Jacen?"
"So do you think I want to go back to them, just now?"
"Sorry," Kyp sighed. "I'd forgotten how lucky I was to get quarters to myself."
Jag looked around. "It's one room, Kyp, and the bed takes up most of it. It's like a quarter of our previous quarters. But… is it okay, if I stay? Just tonight, until things calm down a bit?"
"Of course," Kyp smiled. "Plenty of space for two in the bed."
There was an awkward pause.
"I mean, well," Kyp stuttered. "That pretty much came out wrong, didn't it?"
Jag laughed. "Not at all. I do have siblings. I'm used to sharing a bed from time to time."
"Good, good," Kyp smiled weakly.
Jag sighed and started taking off his shirt. "Jacen's a nice guy. I know he's not going to go off the deep end. It's just, well, he's Jaina's twin. I'd be pretty protective if my sister was dating. So I think it might be more tactful to avoid him, just until I get things straightened out with Jaina. Even if that does mean ending the first meaningful relationship I've ever been in."
"You're pretty upset about this," Kyp said, rather redundantly. "I haven't seen you this emotional before," he added awkwardly.
"No," Jag sighed. "Jaina, Jaina has. I know she registered as unusual too, but… I don't know. I don't want to think about it any more."
"I can imagine," Kyp agreed, also undressing for bed.
By unspoken agreement, neither man stripped all the way, and still averted their eyes, but as they lay, pressed together by necessity on the narrow bed, the prudishness faded. Kyp found himself with one arm over Jag's side, lightly curled around the smaller man. As much as he wanted to say it was purely fraternal, it had been a long time since he had shared a bed with anyone, in any situation.
"I appreciate this," Jag murmured sleepily. "It's been a long time since I've had a friend like you."
Kyp grimaced into Jag's back. "I don't know if I've ever had one," he murmured, not sure whether Jag could hear him, and half hoping he couldn't. Jag didn't reply.
* * *
Kyp couldn't remember his dream, wasn't even sure he had been dreaming, but he woke, hard, still pressed against Jag. It was one of the most excruciatingly embarrassing moments of Kyp's life, his only solace that Jag was still asleep.
"Kyp?"
Except he wasn't. Asleep, that is. Jag. Kyp wondered if he should feign sleep instead.
His arm was still around Jag, his body still spooning the younger man's. Jag's hands was moving now, running down Kyp's arm to find his hand and hold it, just briefly.
"Please be awake," Jag murmured.
"I am," Kyp sighed. "I… I'm sorry. I'll get up…"
"Don't," Jag said. He wrapped his hand around Kyp's again. "I need you here."
"What's wrong?" Kyp asked, concentrating on calming his body down. He wondered detachedly if Master Skywalker knew some mind trick to force this part of his body into submission too, like he could his lungs or heart or stomach, when he had to. Of course, the bastard was married, so he probably didn't have to.
"I had a dream," Jag said miserably. "About the last person I wanted to dream about right now. You know," he added bitterly, "just because I don't show my every emotion, doesn't mean I don't feel as strongly as every one else. Even in the dream, she didn't get that."
"I know," Kyp said into his neck. "I understand."
"I can't stop thinking about her." And Jag's hand, still clutching Kyp's slid down, guiding Kyp until he could feel Jag, as hard as he was. "Help me," Jag murmured. "I don't know what to do. Help me stop thinking of her."
Kyp gently but firmly manoeuvred his hand out of Jag's grip, and he could feel the disappointment and shame surrounding the younger man. Jag was worried he had gone too far and destroyed their friendship. Kyp, who had until that moment intended to draw away, uncomfortable at what Jag was asking him to do while Jag's mind was on his girlfriend, felt his resolution firm. Instead he fingered the soft material of Jag's underwear, toying with it and stretching it. Jag squirmed against him, enjoying the attention. Quelling one last regret, Kyp slipped his hand under the tight waistband of Jag's shorts and his long fingers curled around Jag's length.
Jag bucked against Kyp's hips, reminding him of his own need. He wondered if Jag had any intention of returning the favour. As Kyp pumped Jag he reached out with the force, morbid curiosity driving him to try and find a chink in Jag's mind. Just when he thought he could reach him, Jag came with a gasp, body writhing one final time before slumping back against Kyp in warm afterglow. Kyp couldn't help but smile as he withdrew his hand from Jag's underwear and used the force to float a washcloth over to wipe it on.
He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at the younger man. Jag's eyes were half closed, a smile touching his lips. Kyp, on a whim, leant down and kissed those lips. Jag merely closed his eyes, and widened his smile.
Sometimes Kyp wondered if he did these things to hurt himself. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth, "Who were you thinking of?"
Jag traced a hand up Kyp's chest, tweaking one of his nipples. Kyp's eyes snapped open again, and he saw the amused look on Jag's face. "You, of course," Jag told him.
"Not Jaina?" Kyp cursed himself for not knowing when to shut up.
"That was the whole point of the exercise, wasn't it?" Jag grinned.
"Apparently," Kyp agreed, pushing the pain away. "What time is it?"
"Time enough to get some more sleep," Jag told him. He snuggled down beneath the covers again, obviously waiting for Kyp to wrap his arms around him again. Kyp didn't move, still looking down at the younger man. He wondered if Jag knew how much of a hypocrite he was being, and hated himself for the spiteful thought. "Kyp?" Jag frowned, looking up at him.
"I'm not tired any more," Kyp said dully. "You go back to sleep. I'm going to, I dunno, take a shower."
He clambered over Jag and stepped into the 'fresher in one step. He hadn't realised before then just how small his room was. He didn't take up that much space. The thought stirred bitterness and sadness in his chest, and he slumped against the wall of the shower. The mines of Kessel had taught him to be small, to attach no value to any physical object, to take up the least space and attract the least attention he could. His ideas, he was happy to let them attract attention, but his needs? No, letting other people know you had needs was letting them know you had weaknesses, and Kyp refused to be weak again.
He slipped out of his own underwear, dismayed at the sight of his arousal. It was another need, and one he didn't want to have to think about any more. He was in his thirties. He was single. No one cared about his needs. He didn't want them to. But he did. Kyp stared at the tiles in miserable confusion.
A hand reached around him then, taking hold of his erection and stroking it soothingly. "Feeling conflicted?" Jag asked. His other arm wrapped itself around Kyp's chest, supporting him as he near-collapsed against Jag.
"You couldn't…huu… comprehend," Kyp gasped.
"You didn't think I was going to neglect you, did you?" Jag purred. He was enjoying himself, Kyp could tell. "Let you take care of my needs, and not return the favour?"
"Maybe," Kyp admitted, bracing himself against the wall of the small unit in preparation. He came with a groan after a few short strokes from Jag's hand.
Jag shook the semen from his hand and wrapped it around Kyp's waist, effectively hugging him from behind, though he kept a space between their bodies. Kyp turned the shower on and felt Jag flinch behind him as the cold water hit his skin. He snorted in mild laughter. Jag tugged firmly on his waist and he turned within the circle of Jag's arms to face him.
"You kissed me" Jag said, uncertainty evident in the force, but not in his voice. His hands were resting on Kyp's waist, somewhere between holding him away and keeping him close.
"Yes," Kyp said. "It seemed like the thing to do at the time." He watched Jag mouth the same words to himself. It wasn't a very Jag-like concept, Kyp knew. The boy wasn't famed for his spontaneity and passion, but that wasn't a negative trait. He could do it, when forced, think of his feet and live by his instincts, but Kyp had had a lifetime's worth of lessons in why well thought out plans were good, and flexibility necessary.
Jag, never taking his eyes from Kyp's, kissed him. He put more passion into it than Kyp had, slipping his tongue into Kyp's mouth and pressing their bodies together. Kyp pulled away.
"What's wrong?" Jag asked, knowing the answer.
"And tomorrow?" Kyp said hopelessly. "What are we going to do tomorrow? Are you going to go back to Jaina, for better or worse?"
"I don't know," Jag admitted. "I love her."
Kyp reached down and removed Jag's hands from his hips. He didn't let go of them though.
"I'm sorry," Jag said, looking away. "Sith, I wasn't thinking. I don't." He added with a bitter laugh, "I'm worse than her."
"No, you're not. You saw your mistake," Kyp sighed. "Look, let's just forget about all this, okay? Who knows, we might all die tomorrow. It's not worth worrying about. It was just one night. You needed me."
"You need me," Jag told him. "Or at least, you need someone. Has there… Has there ever been someone, Kyp? Someone you loved?"
"No."
Jag didn't say a word. Slowly, he pulled his arms from Kyp's grasp, and walked back into the bedroom. Kyp watched as he began to dry himself and the door of the 'fresher slid shut. When Kyp finished his shower Jag was asleep on the bed again, pressed face against the wall to allow Kyp room to lie as he liked. There was no question in Kyp's mind of how he was going to lie. He settled his arm over Jag again, and felt the younger man relax. Asleep? No, Jag wasn't asleep, but Kyp wasn't going to call him to task about it.
* * *
Kyp was up and dressed when Jag woke for the second time. Kyp was sitting on a chair, reading, watching Jag, thinking.
"I'm sorry," Kyp said before Jag could offer the same sentiment. "Last night was… last night was last night. I tried to attach something to it that wasn't there. I never meant to make you uncomfortable. You needed me, and I'm not used to that."
"Kyp…" Jag was at a loss. He started to climb off the bed, but stopped when he realised he was naked. He scanned the floor for his clothes, which had migrated during the night, eventually spotting his shorts on the threshold of the 'fresher.
Kyp used the force to float them to him, smiling. "I know you love her. One day she'll get it into her head that she loves you. I'm not going to butt in to that."
"I know," Jag said. "I worry that perhaps you should, for your sake, and maybe both of ours," he added under his breath.
Kyp shook his head. "Not so long ago, if I had done that, I'd have taken her from you. You wouldn't forgive me that, so can you imagine what our Jaina would say if I took you from her?"
"I hear Hoth is a good place to hide this time of year," Jag joked feebly. He sighed and started to get dressed, speaking while he concentrated on his cuffs. "Would it be… cruel, to ask your opinion on what I should do, about her, now?"
"It's up to you."
"No help."
Kyp offered Jag a self-depreciating grimace. "What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Precise detailed instruction would be useful."
"Because if you're flying to someone else's flight plan you can blame them when you hit the asteroid?"
"Pretty much. It occurs to me you're probably not the best person for advice on this, though," Jag shot him an apologetic look.
Kyp wanted to object, but realised that whatever Jag thought of his love life right now, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the truth. "You're probably right," Kyp sighed. "I guess you get to deal with this on your own."
"I'm tired of dealing with 'stuff' on my own," Jag scowled. "I used to have an older brother who'd help, but then Davin died, then Cherith, and I had to deal with that on my own, because they were the people who would have helped me deal with it. I'm running out of friends and family, Kyp. Running out of people I can depend on, especially for support, yet more and more people are leaning on me."
"I know what that's like," Kyp said quietly. "The worst part is when you need someone to support you because you've failed to support those who needed you."
"Why can't I rely on the woman I love?" Jag asked rhetorically.
"Tell her," Kyp said abruptly. Later he could never say what prompted him to say it: selflessness or selfishness. Conscious and self-preservation seem to have collaborated. "Tell her what happened. It's not an ultimatum, but if she doesn't wake up after hearing that, then she never will."
Jag looked at him. "Thank you," he said sincerely. He knelt and tied his boots. Standing up, he looked down at Kyp, still sitting on the chair. Awkwardly, he reached out and rested one hand on Kyp's shoulder. Rather than amusement at the irony of Jag's newfound shyness, Kyp was relieved. This was the self-contained young man he was used to; it was a sign that Jag was finding his balance again.
Kyp reached up and rested his hand on Jag's. "I hope things turn out okay," he told the younger man.
"I hope I know when they are okay," Jag said earnestly. He smiled at Kyp and pulled his hand away. "Thank you," he said again. "For the advice, for letting me stay here, for putting up with more than any friend should have to… I hope I don't have to put you through this again."
"Last night was last night," Kyp said. "I'd do it all again if you needed me to."
"I know. And I for you, I hope you realise."
"Of course. Now, you better get going. Force knows the rest of Twin Suns won't appreciate it if you and Jaina haven't sorted something out by the time they see you."
"True," Jag's mouth twitched in a sardonic grin. He thumbed open the door and stepped into the corridor. As it slid shut, he added "See you tonight."
Perhaps last night was going to become every night.