A/N and Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned, or previous plots or anything you might recognise from the books/films. It's all J. K. Rowling and her lot.
The song is an Andrew Lloyd Webber song - "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" and I do not claim to own it either.
However, the general thoughts in this fic are what I felt when I heard the song for the first time, remembering recent losses. Obviously I've had to adapt it a bit for Harry...
Well, I'll stop blabbering now and I hope you enjoy reading this. I would much appreciate to know what you think. I was very moved myself as I wrote it so get the tissues out...
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
"You were once my one companion,
You were all that mattered..."
Sirius. The only one who understood what it was like for me being locked up at the Dursley's. After all, you had been locked up in Azkaban and spent the rest of your 'free' life hiding in Grimmauld place. You were the only one who paid any attention to what it was like for me going back to Privet Drive every summer - showing at least some sympathy for the things I had to endure.
Sure, Ron and Hermione thought it awful too, all those nasty things I had to go through every summer. But I don't think they really understood how it felt for me. You did. You were my only companion, my one true friend.
You mattered so much to me... So much, I killed you...
You know I didn't want to, or mean to - but the reason why I killed you is, ironically because I loved you. You see, I could not stand to see you hurt and the fear of losing you is what Voldemort played on. He knew I would play the hero. As Hermione so rightly put it, I do have a "saving people thing".
If I had listened to her then, maybe all this could have been prevented...
Yet I risked so many lives to save you. Because you were all that mattered...
"...You were once, my friend and father, Then my world was shattered..."
Shattered. Yeah - My life is shattered, my heart, my soul... and there's nobody to pick up the pieces. Even if they tried I wouldn't let them. I don't deserve kindness...
I do not deserve kindness, because the one kind thing God has granted me, I threw away. I threw you away Sirius.
You were like the father I never knew. Telling me, teaching me, and looking after me.
Then gradually you became a friend, more than a father figure. You knew me and understood. You came to think of me as a substitute for James, my father - and your friend. I loved being there for you.
But you're not there anymore. Shattered - just like the mirror you gave me for Christmas only months before you died.
I couldn't control my temper.
"...Wishing you were somehow here again,
Wishing you were somehow near,
Sometimes it seemed If I just dreamed,
Somehow you would be here..."
I've had plenty of dreams about you since... that day...
Hoping that you are watching over me, that you visiting my dreams is a sign of you being close by...
Maybe If I believe it enough, you will come back.
"...Wishing I could hear your Voice again...
Knowing that I never would..."
Only in memories will I ever hear your voice again. Sometimes when I feel really desperate and overcome by the grief of losing you, I try and imagine you here. Standing right beside me, talking to me like you had so many times before.
I find myself staring at the Dursley's boarded up fireplace, willing it to blast away and your head to pop into the space left. We could talk about anything, even the weather. I just need to talk to you again...
Images of Gryffindor tower, and it's beautiful fireplace spring to life inside my head. There I had spoken to you only weeks before... that day...
I only wish I had told you how much you meant to me.
"...dreaming of you, won't help me to do,
All that you dreamed I could..."
Yes... I know dwelling on the past will not help me to face my future, and I understand that I have to defeat Voldemort.
But it's not that simple. How can I possibly even try and face him again, with so much sadness and anger inside me? He will know and use it against me... It was only my love that sent him out of me last time.
But I don't feel love anymore. It's like that emotion has been sucked out and only dark thoughts and hate are left... Hate for everything. I even hate Hermione for being so right and honest about me. For pointing out that I had a "saving people thing".
I Hate Dumbledore for being such a weak fool. For not telling me what I should have known from the beginning.
I Hate the DA members for volunteering to help me, and their accusatory looks when I was wrong... They had been right...
I Hate Ron for having such a great family...for never accepting my form of kindness - generosity - from me, yet giving me relentlessly all he has. The way he envies what I have. But I don't have anything anymore.
I Hate being loved, because so many people do...love me, and I don't deserve it.
Yet even though I feel all this hate, I know you have died in vain if I don't win. If I carry on dwelling over you like this, nothing will be done and Voldemort will have what he wants.
I have to fulfil all your hopes and dreams of me.
"...Passing bells and sculpted Angels,
Cold and Monumental...
Seem for you, the wrong companions,
You were warm and gentle..."
The Ministry could not have been more wrong about you. You were the most gentle, caring person that I knew.
Now, where your body lies...somewhere beyond that veil...It's just so wrong that someone like you could end up in a place so cold and eerie...
"...too many years, fighting back tears...
Why can't the past just die?"
My whole life has been a battle of emotions. I barely remember my parents, now the closest thing to a father has left me also.
I fight back the bitter tears every day of my life. Sometimes I succeed...but they always come back. They want to be seen. Tears are meant to be shed. But I don't want them to start coming...they'll never stop.
If the past died...well, I could concentrate on my future, and the future of the world... But it remains and haunts me. That's my curse for letting you die Sirius.
"...Wishing you were somehow here again,
Knowing we must say goodbye..."
I wish you could see me sitting here...tears flowing freely in your honour. We didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
Goodbye...such a strong word. But I know I must let go...
"...Try to forgive,
Teach me to live...
Give me the strength to try!"
I'm so sorry for playing the hero. I really wish I had taken Snape's lessons more seriously... I'm sorry you had to go...
But I need to go on. I need to live, love and save this world.
It's so hard, but I know your spirit will always be near me and guide me through the hardest of times. You will give me the strength I need to carry on...to prove that you did not die in vein.
"...No more memories, No more silent tears...
No more Gazing at wasted Years..."
I don't regret the time you spent in Azkaban - the time you spent away from me. I don't regret the way I didn't know you until it was almost too late.
I don't regret losing you so early.
Because it makes me realise how lucky I was to have known you in the first place. To have shared memories and tears. To have learned so much about my past in such a new way.
Thank you so much Sirius for helping me realise how lucky I was.
"Help me say Goodbye"
...Enough time has been wasted dwelling on things that cannot be changed...I know what I must do...
"Goodbye..."