Immortality
A Dragon Knights fic by Andrea Weiling
Maybe it's surprising how we all travel together without bickering or chattering or fighting each other either to the death or to the brink of insanity, but then when you stand back and look at it, you have to see the genius that the Heavens had in putting the three of us together, forcing us to travel together, to get along, to actually learn to like each other no matter what we say on the outside, to bond us more completely than anything else would ever have done. Now the three of us are inseparable - I don't know about the other two, but I'm sure they have the same problem when we're split up on different missions: can't sleep without hearing someone else's breathing in the room, can't open their eyes to see some tousled head poking out from beneath a blanket in the bed across from them, can't touch our respective swords without thinking of two other ones, somewhere else far away, perhaps being used to defend their owners, perhaps lying dormant in their sheaths, perhaps briefly touched as if in remembrance. That's why when we all someone end up in Draqueen at the same time, our hearts really are lighter upon seeing everyone else alive and well. Somewhere along the way, we've gone past trust - to some state of being where we ARE each other, can feel each other's emotions and do their actions almost upon instinct. To lose one of our trio would be like sudden death, a sideways stab to a side, an arrow from behind. None of us would ever know what happened. None of us would ever recover from it.
No, perhaps that's not right. We don't have to be there together physically. We all have our own obligations, after all, to ourselves and to whatever past we served before. We just have to be able to hold those memories within us, close to our hearts almost unconsciously to be able to feel complete. We have faith in each other that whatever else happens, we will still be able to remain the companions that we were, still able to trust each other. Even Rath feels this way, I know - hiding something, as we all do, unwilling to let us know for fear that we might hate him for it - but I know he knows that would never happen anyway. Not even if he turned out to be a youkai or something. No, not even that.
Rune taught me something the last time we were in Draqueen. So tonight, lying here under an unfamiliar ceiling without the presence of Rath and Rune to either side of me, I can only curl a little more under the thin blankets and wish, fervently, that they were here with me, but only able to grasp memories of them. This was the way it was the last time as well.
We all had different rooms in Draqueen, of course, and sometimes we slept apart in them at night. But more times, we would find ourselves dropping into the familiar pattern of just choosing one of our rooms for that night and all three of us piling onto it even if there was no room - we were used to it, after all, scanty funds and continued habit provided. Quietly, one of those nights, I told Rune over Rath's sleeping head that sometimes I would miss the two of them. Rune had laughed back then, and told me, "Then whenever you get that way, just keep thinking of us until you fall asleep". And that seemed to settle everything; so familiar was that voice and his sound logic, this feeling of warmth being cuddled by my two fellow knights, that homesickness finally went away and I realized I had come back to where I belonged.
Somewhere in the darkness, I could feel myself smiling. This reminded me of one night in an inn somewhere rural - we had all hopped in the bed at once, and Rath had thrown the blankets over everyone's heads, and we had somehow snuggled into comfortable positions in the darkness.
A little light fell through a crack between the blanket and the bed on my side, lighting up Rune's eyes so that they looked mysteriously dark. Between us, Rath squirmed a little and then ended up turning towards Rune, who drew his head fondly to his own shoulder. I drew an arm over them both, letting the blanket drop over the side of the bed and envelope us all into darkness.
I don't know how it was we were all feeling the same thing, but suddenly we were all clinging to each other tight, as if we would never let each other go ever again. "R-Rune", I whispered, clinging a bit childishly to his sleeve in need for his common sense, "why the heck did I ever choose this job?"
"Lord Lykouleon, wasn't it?" came the floaty answer back.
"N-no, not anymore", Rath answered for me, "it's changed, like all of our reasons for fighting, hasn't it?"
I shivered, seeing myself confronted with the fact that my own dreams had now changed. Still, I answered, "Yes, it's -", and suddenly I felt shy saying such a sappy line, "- you." When neither of them said anything, I tried to continue, my throat feeling suddenly dry, "I mean, isn't that why I'm here now, bundled up in bed with the two of you?"
Even in the darkness, I could feel both of them smile. Rath snuggled so that his back was warm against my chest. "That's not a reason", Rune said teasingly.
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
Rath sighed in resignation, and then Rune and I both burst into soft laughter, sandwiching Rath between us. In response, he kept wiggling, trying to make a little space for himself, kicking Rune in the shin and elbowing me in the stomach in the process.
"Ow."
"Sorry. But you guys are going to suffocate me like this."
"Imagine that: the Fire Dragon Knight doesn't get killed in battle against youkai like he's supposed to, but dies of suffocation while being squashed between his fellow brave Dragon Knight and one voluptuous female blonde ex-Elf -"
The blankets did NOTHING to ease the stinging smack that Rune gave me. Grumpily he edged to the very opposite end of the bed, arms wrapped around himself. Rath turned to me, and I could feel his accusing eye.
"You drove Rune away. Now I won't have someone to cuddle to sleep tonight. You know how he gets."
"He knows I'm not serious."
"That's true, we weren't exactly having a serious conversation before anyway. That still doesn't mean he doesn't have justification for being angry. I mean, who would want to be called 'ladylike' when they're a GUY?"
Rune's disbelieving voice floated to our ears. "Are you both aware that I can hear all of this?"
"No", Rath answered, and I could feel shifting on the bed as he pretended to cover his ears, "I don't suppose you can hear any of this, so keep on listening and maybe I'll dye Alfreegi's hair dark purple the next time we go back to Draqueen." Turning back to me, he continued, "You're always teasing him about that."
I scowled. "He teases me BACK."
Rath scowled right back at me, though I couldn't see him, I could feel it. "He teases you without reasonable limits. Saying that he's had a gender switch is kinda drastic, you know."
"It's not my fault he looks like a girl", I pouted.
"It's CERTAINLY you're fault for CALLING him (me) one!", both Rath and Rune said at the same time.
I just scowled in return, finding no words to say. I could feel Rath's eye on me, trying to tell me to just apologize to Rune; there was only one bed, after all, and all three of us had to share it. Finally I sighed, feeling less defiant than I was before, and mumbled half-heartedly, "Rune? A-are you angry at me?"
"YES."
I sighed. Okay, so maybe I had gone too far. But I mean, I'd called him a girl so many times he should have been used to it by now. "Um, I'm sorry."
Silence, but Rune turned around, grabbed Rath around the waist (eliciting a yelp), and pulled him to his chest possessively. Then, all I heard was the shuffle of bedsheets, a soft exchange between them that I couldn't hear even this close to them, and then the blanket being pulled from over my head. I blinked at the sudden moonlight that streamed into my eyes, then blinked again when the curtains were pulled shut. Rune's hands and skin shone a chalky white for a second before I couldn't see him any more, backdropped against the dark curtains. After a moment I heard him walk soundlessly back to his side of the bed, and draw Rath towards him again.
My mind was trying to remember something just out of my reach - and then I had it. It had been a dream from several months ago, when neither of them had been with me and I had dreamed a terrible dream under some sorceress' spell that had shown both of them -
I bolted upright in the bed. "Rune", I said suddenly, seriously, "do you think I'm going to die for this job?"
With a hiss Rath sprang up, gripping my shoulders roughly, his breath pounding in my face as if he could see me. I didn't have to be able to see his face to know that he was angry. "Don't-fucking-TALK-like that! You, Thatz, are the LAST person I'd EVER thought I'd hear those words from!"
Rune had sat up as well. "Yes", he said slowly, and I heard the shuffle of bedsheets before that pale hand that had looked so sickly there in the moonlight clasped mine, warm and alive. "I DO think that we're going to die for Lord Lykouleon someday, and I think it might even be soon."
From the depths of his soul, Rath gave a little heartfelt moan, suddenly snuggling up to me, his hands clinging desperately to my shirt. "Don't say that", he whispered dreadfully. "Don't SAY that!"
Rune's arms went around the both of us, his head tucked on top of Rath's as he unconsciously rocked us back and forth like children. "It's the truth, Rath. There - there has to be someone, some youkai out there that we can't beat - and I mean, if we're alone without each other out on the field - there's always some chance that we will die." Rath gave a little moan again at the word, and his hands clung to my shirt as I absently held him closer, my nose buried in Rune's hair. "That's - that's why we need to fight, isn't it? To - to see each other again!"
Soft, almost unheard, Rath's grip loosened and his hands fell into my lap, his entire body sliding back until he was cradled between Rune and I. "I - I don't WANT you to die", he said futilely, his hands clenching the material of my sleep pants. "I'm -"
"- I'm so afraid to see either of you die. . ."
He swallowed, then continued. "I don't know how - or when - whatever happened to my independence - but I don't really CARE about that anymore, I mean I could care less about where I get my motivation from anymore, as long as you're alive and still here where I can still laugh with you. . ."
Rune looked at him, gaze emotionless in the dark. "Rath, you're stronger than either of us. You'll survive the longest. You're going to doom yourself if you say you're depending on us for motivation to survive."
"I don't CARE! I just d-don't want you guys to go - I HATE it when we get assigned different assignments - I don't want to come back to find some dumb messenger saying, "I'm sorry, Lord Lykouleon, but the Water Knight's fucking DEAD and ha HA", you know. I - I wish you weren't Dragon Knights so then I wouldn't have to worry my head over this like I am now. . ."
"We can't help that. . .", I couldn't help saying.
"There's nothing we can do. . .", Rune added. "Oh, but Rath, keep your faith in our abilities that we WILL be able to survive. Heaven knows I worry as well, and I'm sure Thatz does too, but that can't be helped, it's just our line of work, if it wasn't us then it would be someone else going through this hell. . ."
"And if it weren't for the fact that we were Dragon Knights, we wouldn't have ever met. It's because we have roughly the same power levels in controlling the elements that we represent that we've been able to travel with you at all. Think about it, Rath - if we were still commoners, I would probably be fifty years old by now and very likely DEAD and Rune would still be in his little Faerie forest, oblivious to the world. It's because we're Dragon Knights that we met each other at all", I said, looking somewhere over Rune's head. "That, if anything, is a blessing."
Rath clung a little tighter. I stroked his hair absently. While it was not-so-rare that we had to share a bed together, it WAS rare that we could find enough peace between us to fall into this calm, thoughtful state where we knew exactly what the other was thinking. This comfort between us, this was what we place our faith in, what we hold on to, what we trust in each other. I pulled the other two a little closer, feeling like I was weeping inside, this fear and this dread of dying away from Rune and Rath was so thick inside of me. This might be the last time I saw them. This might be the last time we might hold each other at night like this, share our thoughts like this, mutually be able to feel each other's emotions like this. This was nothing short of love - more than that, higher than any other emotion a person could possibly feel - this was the bond that connected us.
And I dreamed.
Little things, remembrances. It was usually Rune who remembered any of his dreams, not me. But this time, there was no need - they were there in my memories:
. . .The first time the three of us had ever shared a bed together, Rune cuddled up to me, Rath on the other side of Rune, dark hair peeking over his shoulder. I could remember clearly that I was the first one awake, and watched in a sort of morbid fascination that these two people could kill youkai without blinking an eye or holding any regrets. . .
. . .Rune, cuddled up to Rath's side, seeking warmth in some snow- covered land that was up in the north, Rath's absent hand drowsily pulled a blanket over all of us, then secured his arms around the shivering ex-Elf. . .
. . .Rath, scrunched in a ball, his eyes squeezed tight, Rune to my side shouted an exclamation of pain and dismay, pale thin hands trying to wake Rath. When he finally did wake up, he bolted upright straight into my arms, soothing his trembling shoulders. . .
These were my fellow Knights, the only ones I truly trusted. Killing I would do for Lord Lykouleon - but I live for my Rath and Rune. Empty with loneliness as my heart was, I clutched that comfort that they would survive to see me again. Fear, after all, was easy to feel - but faith was hard to believe in.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / Author's note:
Hmm. Sorry if that bored you. Thanks for reading, by the way. Lots of sap, I think, some thinking, but that's basically it. I don't know what in the world I was thinking when I wrote this. . . Ranting? That's what most of it is, I think you can tell. Sorry, characters were all OOC. . .
Andrea Weiling
Maybe it's surprising how we all travel together without bickering or chattering or fighting each other either to the death or to the brink of insanity, but then when you stand back and look at it, you have to see the genius that the Heavens had in putting the three of us together, forcing us to travel together, to get along, to actually learn to like each other no matter what we say on the outside, to bond us more completely than anything else would ever have done. Now the three of us are inseparable - I don't know about the other two, but I'm sure they have the same problem when we're split up on different missions: can't sleep without hearing someone else's breathing in the room, can't open their eyes to see some tousled head poking out from beneath a blanket in the bed across from them, can't touch our respective swords without thinking of two other ones, somewhere else far away, perhaps being used to defend their owners, perhaps lying dormant in their sheaths, perhaps briefly touched as if in remembrance. That's why when we all someone end up in Draqueen at the same time, our hearts really are lighter upon seeing everyone else alive and well. Somewhere along the way, we've gone past trust - to some state of being where we ARE each other, can feel each other's emotions and do their actions almost upon instinct. To lose one of our trio would be like sudden death, a sideways stab to a side, an arrow from behind. None of us would ever know what happened. None of us would ever recover from it.
No, perhaps that's not right. We don't have to be there together physically. We all have our own obligations, after all, to ourselves and to whatever past we served before. We just have to be able to hold those memories within us, close to our hearts almost unconsciously to be able to feel complete. We have faith in each other that whatever else happens, we will still be able to remain the companions that we were, still able to trust each other. Even Rath feels this way, I know - hiding something, as we all do, unwilling to let us know for fear that we might hate him for it - but I know he knows that would never happen anyway. Not even if he turned out to be a youkai or something. No, not even that.
Rune taught me something the last time we were in Draqueen. So tonight, lying here under an unfamiliar ceiling without the presence of Rath and Rune to either side of me, I can only curl a little more under the thin blankets and wish, fervently, that they were here with me, but only able to grasp memories of them. This was the way it was the last time as well.
We all had different rooms in Draqueen, of course, and sometimes we slept apart in them at night. But more times, we would find ourselves dropping into the familiar pattern of just choosing one of our rooms for that night and all three of us piling onto it even if there was no room - we were used to it, after all, scanty funds and continued habit provided. Quietly, one of those nights, I told Rune over Rath's sleeping head that sometimes I would miss the two of them. Rune had laughed back then, and told me, "Then whenever you get that way, just keep thinking of us until you fall asleep". And that seemed to settle everything; so familiar was that voice and his sound logic, this feeling of warmth being cuddled by my two fellow knights, that homesickness finally went away and I realized I had come back to where I belonged.
Somewhere in the darkness, I could feel myself smiling. This reminded me of one night in an inn somewhere rural - we had all hopped in the bed at once, and Rath had thrown the blankets over everyone's heads, and we had somehow snuggled into comfortable positions in the darkness.
A little light fell through a crack between the blanket and the bed on my side, lighting up Rune's eyes so that they looked mysteriously dark. Between us, Rath squirmed a little and then ended up turning towards Rune, who drew his head fondly to his own shoulder. I drew an arm over them both, letting the blanket drop over the side of the bed and envelope us all into darkness.
I don't know how it was we were all feeling the same thing, but suddenly we were all clinging to each other tight, as if we would never let each other go ever again. "R-Rune", I whispered, clinging a bit childishly to his sleeve in need for his common sense, "why the heck did I ever choose this job?"
"Lord Lykouleon, wasn't it?" came the floaty answer back.
"N-no, not anymore", Rath answered for me, "it's changed, like all of our reasons for fighting, hasn't it?"
I shivered, seeing myself confronted with the fact that my own dreams had now changed. Still, I answered, "Yes, it's -", and suddenly I felt shy saying such a sappy line, "- you." When neither of them said anything, I tried to continue, my throat feeling suddenly dry, "I mean, isn't that why I'm here now, bundled up in bed with the two of you?"
Even in the darkness, I could feel both of them smile. Rath snuggled so that his back was warm against my chest. "That's not a reason", Rune said teasingly.
"Is too!"
"Is NOT!"
"IS TOO!"
Rath sighed in resignation, and then Rune and I both burst into soft laughter, sandwiching Rath between us. In response, he kept wiggling, trying to make a little space for himself, kicking Rune in the shin and elbowing me in the stomach in the process.
"Ow."
"Sorry. But you guys are going to suffocate me like this."
"Imagine that: the Fire Dragon Knight doesn't get killed in battle against youkai like he's supposed to, but dies of suffocation while being squashed between his fellow brave Dragon Knight and one voluptuous female blonde ex-Elf -"
The blankets did NOTHING to ease the stinging smack that Rune gave me. Grumpily he edged to the very opposite end of the bed, arms wrapped around himself. Rath turned to me, and I could feel his accusing eye.
"You drove Rune away. Now I won't have someone to cuddle to sleep tonight. You know how he gets."
"He knows I'm not serious."
"That's true, we weren't exactly having a serious conversation before anyway. That still doesn't mean he doesn't have justification for being angry. I mean, who would want to be called 'ladylike' when they're a GUY?"
Rune's disbelieving voice floated to our ears. "Are you both aware that I can hear all of this?"
"No", Rath answered, and I could feel shifting on the bed as he pretended to cover his ears, "I don't suppose you can hear any of this, so keep on listening and maybe I'll dye Alfreegi's hair dark purple the next time we go back to Draqueen." Turning back to me, he continued, "You're always teasing him about that."
I scowled. "He teases me BACK."
Rath scowled right back at me, though I couldn't see him, I could feel it. "He teases you without reasonable limits. Saying that he's had a gender switch is kinda drastic, you know."
"It's not my fault he looks like a girl", I pouted.
"It's CERTAINLY you're fault for CALLING him (me) one!", both Rath and Rune said at the same time.
I just scowled in return, finding no words to say. I could feel Rath's eye on me, trying to tell me to just apologize to Rune; there was only one bed, after all, and all three of us had to share it. Finally I sighed, feeling less defiant than I was before, and mumbled half-heartedly, "Rune? A-are you angry at me?"
"YES."
I sighed. Okay, so maybe I had gone too far. But I mean, I'd called him a girl so many times he should have been used to it by now. "Um, I'm sorry."
Silence, but Rune turned around, grabbed Rath around the waist (eliciting a yelp), and pulled him to his chest possessively. Then, all I heard was the shuffle of bedsheets, a soft exchange between them that I couldn't hear even this close to them, and then the blanket being pulled from over my head. I blinked at the sudden moonlight that streamed into my eyes, then blinked again when the curtains were pulled shut. Rune's hands and skin shone a chalky white for a second before I couldn't see him any more, backdropped against the dark curtains. After a moment I heard him walk soundlessly back to his side of the bed, and draw Rath towards him again.
My mind was trying to remember something just out of my reach - and then I had it. It had been a dream from several months ago, when neither of them had been with me and I had dreamed a terrible dream under some sorceress' spell that had shown both of them -
I bolted upright in the bed. "Rune", I said suddenly, seriously, "do you think I'm going to die for this job?"
With a hiss Rath sprang up, gripping my shoulders roughly, his breath pounding in my face as if he could see me. I didn't have to be able to see his face to know that he was angry. "Don't-fucking-TALK-like that! You, Thatz, are the LAST person I'd EVER thought I'd hear those words from!"
Rune had sat up as well. "Yes", he said slowly, and I heard the shuffle of bedsheets before that pale hand that had looked so sickly there in the moonlight clasped mine, warm and alive. "I DO think that we're going to die for Lord Lykouleon someday, and I think it might even be soon."
From the depths of his soul, Rath gave a little heartfelt moan, suddenly snuggling up to me, his hands clinging desperately to my shirt. "Don't say that", he whispered dreadfully. "Don't SAY that!"
Rune's arms went around the both of us, his head tucked on top of Rath's as he unconsciously rocked us back and forth like children. "It's the truth, Rath. There - there has to be someone, some youkai out there that we can't beat - and I mean, if we're alone without each other out on the field - there's always some chance that we will die." Rath gave a little moan again at the word, and his hands clung to my shirt as I absently held him closer, my nose buried in Rune's hair. "That's - that's why we need to fight, isn't it? To - to see each other again!"
Soft, almost unheard, Rath's grip loosened and his hands fell into my lap, his entire body sliding back until he was cradled between Rune and I. "I - I don't WANT you to die", he said futilely, his hands clenching the material of my sleep pants. "I'm -"
"- I'm so afraid to see either of you die. . ."
He swallowed, then continued. "I don't know how - or when - whatever happened to my independence - but I don't really CARE about that anymore, I mean I could care less about where I get my motivation from anymore, as long as you're alive and still here where I can still laugh with you. . ."
Rune looked at him, gaze emotionless in the dark. "Rath, you're stronger than either of us. You'll survive the longest. You're going to doom yourself if you say you're depending on us for motivation to survive."
"I don't CARE! I just d-don't want you guys to go - I HATE it when we get assigned different assignments - I don't want to come back to find some dumb messenger saying, "I'm sorry, Lord Lykouleon, but the Water Knight's fucking DEAD and ha HA", you know. I - I wish you weren't Dragon Knights so then I wouldn't have to worry my head over this like I am now. . ."
"We can't help that. . .", I couldn't help saying.
"There's nothing we can do. . .", Rune added. "Oh, but Rath, keep your faith in our abilities that we WILL be able to survive. Heaven knows I worry as well, and I'm sure Thatz does too, but that can't be helped, it's just our line of work, if it wasn't us then it would be someone else going through this hell. . ."
"And if it weren't for the fact that we were Dragon Knights, we wouldn't have ever met. It's because we have roughly the same power levels in controlling the elements that we represent that we've been able to travel with you at all. Think about it, Rath - if we were still commoners, I would probably be fifty years old by now and very likely DEAD and Rune would still be in his little Faerie forest, oblivious to the world. It's because we're Dragon Knights that we met each other at all", I said, looking somewhere over Rune's head. "That, if anything, is a blessing."
Rath clung a little tighter. I stroked his hair absently. While it was not-so-rare that we had to share a bed together, it WAS rare that we could find enough peace between us to fall into this calm, thoughtful state where we knew exactly what the other was thinking. This comfort between us, this was what we place our faith in, what we hold on to, what we trust in each other. I pulled the other two a little closer, feeling like I was weeping inside, this fear and this dread of dying away from Rune and Rath was so thick inside of me. This might be the last time I saw them. This might be the last time we might hold each other at night like this, share our thoughts like this, mutually be able to feel each other's emotions like this. This was nothing short of love - more than that, higher than any other emotion a person could possibly feel - this was the bond that connected us.
And I dreamed.
Little things, remembrances. It was usually Rune who remembered any of his dreams, not me. But this time, there was no need - they were there in my memories:
. . .The first time the three of us had ever shared a bed together, Rune cuddled up to me, Rath on the other side of Rune, dark hair peeking over his shoulder. I could remember clearly that I was the first one awake, and watched in a sort of morbid fascination that these two people could kill youkai without blinking an eye or holding any regrets. . .
. . .Rune, cuddled up to Rath's side, seeking warmth in some snow- covered land that was up in the north, Rath's absent hand drowsily pulled a blanket over all of us, then secured his arms around the shivering ex-Elf. . .
. . .Rath, scrunched in a ball, his eyes squeezed tight, Rune to my side shouted an exclamation of pain and dismay, pale thin hands trying to wake Rath. When he finally did wake up, he bolted upright straight into my arms, soothing his trembling shoulders. . .
These were my fellow Knights, the only ones I truly trusted. Killing I would do for Lord Lykouleon - but I live for my Rath and Rune. Empty with loneliness as my heart was, I clutched that comfort that they would survive to see me again. Fear, after all, was easy to feel - but faith was hard to believe in.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / Author's note:
Hmm. Sorry if that bored you. Thanks for reading, by the way. Lots of sap, I think, some thinking, but that's basically it. I don't know what in the world I was thinking when I wrote this. . . Ranting? That's what most of it is, I think you can tell. Sorry, characters were all OOC. . .
Andrea Weiling