You never understood.
You were always living in the past, trying to regain that vital part of you. I was also trying to gain that piece of me that had been lost, that piece from what seemed like forever ago. The difference was, I had no past. I had nothing to cling to.
You had the memories. The memories of hatred, of greed, violence, endless, endless violence. Imagery. You could still see the ruins, smell the blood, feel the recoil of the pistol grasped like a lifeline between your fingers.
I had none of that. Love, friendship... not even tangible emotions until I was reborn again. Reborn again to nothing.
It was like waking up from a long, long dream, and finding you were still asleep beneath the covers of yesterday and tomorrow. Nothing before, nothing after, just a present that you were supposed to use to acheive something with, to live for. But it's not easy to start from scratch.
You couldn't even understand when I stood in front of you, asking you face to face, trying to explain it. I tried, but...
Those eyes. The one was so dull, so lifeless. Like it had suffered a thousand deaths, so faded. But the other... it was so brillant. A color that held so much depth. It was so bright; you almost had to look away to not be blinded by the pure emotion it held. Like behind that gateway to your soul was so much more than you'd ever tell. I saw a future reflected in that eye.
You were the closest. The closest I'd ever had to love.
I didn't remember love. Even when my memories awoke, there was no recollection of this emotion. Sure, I had friends that cared for me, but it still wasn't the same. You seemed to be the only one that ever watched my back. You were an angel rising from the depths of a personal hell, and I was a lost soul wandering through the stars.
Maybe this is why I can't remember happiness, either.
I met her. Remember that, Spike. I met the one person that could set you free. How am I so different from her? The one that you've been chasing for so long, the one that you would die for. What can you see in those violet eyes? I realize that the only color reflected in my eyes at that time was the green of jealousy. I fathom you may be bleeding for your true love right now. I don't know. No one knows. You probably don't even know.
Why did you tell me about yourself right before you went away? You and your jaded visions. And still, you kept them tucked away, where only one eye could see them. Why, Spike? I could have helped you focus, to see with both eyes.
And so I lie here, the same bed, the same place where I found myself, and lose myself all over again. No, I may not be the dangerous, beautiful ordinary girl, but at least you wouldn't have to throw the future away. Throw away the past, Spike. Throw the past away with as much fervor as I have tried to dig up mine. With my barely remembered past, and your hardly forseeable future, maybe we could have both scrape up enough time to have a decent today. Don't you see that, even though it's small, even though it might not last, we have a chance together?
But, yes, most love is blind...
You were always living in the past, trying to regain that vital part of you. I was also trying to gain that piece of me that had been lost, that piece from what seemed like forever ago. The difference was, I had no past. I had nothing to cling to.
You had the memories. The memories of hatred, of greed, violence, endless, endless violence. Imagery. You could still see the ruins, smell the blood, feel the recoil of the pistol grasped like a lifeline between your fingers.
I had none of that. Love, friendship... not even tangible emotions until I was reborn again. Reborn again to nothing.
It was like waking up from a long, long dream, and finding you were still asleep beneath the covers of yesterday and tomorrow. Nothing before, nothing after, just a present that you were supposed to use to acheive something with, to live for. But it's not easy to start from scratch.
You couldn't even understand when I stood in front of you, asking you face to face, trying to explain it. I tried, but...
Those eyes. The one was so dull, so lifeless. Like it had suffered a thousand deaths, so faded. But the other... it was so brillant. A color that held so much depth. It was so bright; you almost had to look away to not be blinded by the pure emotion it held. Like behind that gateway to your soul was so much more than you'd ever tell. I saw a future reflected in that eye.
You were the closest. The closest I'd ever had to love.
I didn't remember love. Even when my memories awoke, there was no recollection of this emotion. Sure, I had friends that cared for me, but it still wasn't the same. You seemed to be the only one that ever watched my back. You were an angel rising from the depths of a personal hell, and I was a lost soul wandering through the stars.
Maybe this is why I can't remember happiness, either.
I met her. Remember that, Spike. I met the one person that could set you free. How am I so different from her? The one that you've been chasing for so long, the one that you would die for. What can you see in those violet eyes? I realize that the only color reflected in my eyes at that time was the green of jealousy. I fathom you may be bleeding for your true love right now. I don't know. No one knows. You probably don't even know.
Why did you tell me about yourself right before you went away? You and your jaded visions. And still, you kept them tucked away, where only one eye could see them. Why, Spike? I could have helped you focus, to see with both eyes.
And so I lie here, the same bed, the same place where I found myself, and lose myself all over again. No, I may not be the dangerous, beautiful ordinary girl, but at least you wouldn't have to throw the future away. Throw away the past, Spike. Throw the past away with as much fervor as I have tried to dig up mine. With my barely remembered past, and your hardly forseeable future, maybe we could have both scrape up enough time to have a decent today. Don't you see that, even though it's small, even though it might not last, we have a chance together?
But, yes, most love is blind...