~* Changes
By Shannon the Twisted Link Worshiper
A/N Guess I did decided that another part would be in order after all. Same disclaimers and such apply, though this one is from Duo's POV instead of Heero's. Song belongs to the incredible Incubus. Umm, hope you like it.
Oh, and other happy news while I'm at it. My other GW story, Little Tin Flower, Red Stitches and a Rain Soaked Angel got archived on the amazing atsui.org! Hurrah! Go check it out—A-chan's new layout is really pretty!
(o) Session II (o)
()() The Warmth ()()
The ceiling looked warbled, my vision tinted with the strangest hue of aquamarine and streaked with crimped yellowish ribbons. A slim line of bubbles floated upwards, breaking into fizzy little splotches of foam somewhere between my mouth and the ceiling. My hair floated around me in long silky tendrils, undulating through the water like live snakes. A dull echoing emptiness pounded in my ears, the sounds of the world seeming to be miles away. It was so surreal lying like that at the bottom of the bathtub where no one could see me, hidden away in my little cove.
"Duo? Duo!" I heard Hilde's voice vaguely ringing around me, the incessant sound of her pounding away at the front door of my apartment pealing down the hall towards my bathroom. "He-e-ey in there! I know you're home Duo Maxwell! Open up!"
I catapulted up into a sitting position, the water splashing up around me as I drew myself from the bottom of my tub-sized pond. An annoyed expression crossed my face as I stood and climbed out, the water pouring in droves down my loose hair and over my body. Much as I liked Hilde, she had the world's worst timing ever! Grabbing one of the giant fluffy towels that hung on the rack nearby, I wrapped my slim body tightly, the fuzzy orange material covering my from under my arms to about an inch past my knees. I had to keep such enormous towels for A), drying my extremely long knee-length curtain of hair and B), answering house calls like these from my best female friend (even if she was more like one of the guys) in the middle of a nice luxurious bath.
Stalking down the hall, I swathed my dripping mane of hair in another one of the huge towels and gave it a quick scrubbing dry. I had way too much hair to just wrap it up turban style and live with it. Still rubbing at my hair, I reached the end of the little hall and went to the front door, glancing through the peephole to check that it truly was Hilde just out of habit. One hand still lost amid towel and hair, I undid the chain lock, pulled back the three deadbolts in the door and turned the handle to pull it open. So sue me, I was still a little paranoid. Two wars within in a year of each other will do that to a guy.
"This had better be good," I said to her deadpan, my mouth in a little pout on the side of my face, eyes riddled with an extremely dry expression.
[I'd like to close my eyes and go numb,
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high rise today.]
"Ehehehe," she chuckled nervously, producing a clipboard from behind her back and holding it out to me. "You, uh, forgot to do your budgeting for the garage this month. You can't hope to pay for all your engines with drag racing"—she really hated that whole hobby of mine—"And I need an inventory check to make sure we don't need to go digging through the yard any time soon for new parts."
I snatched the clipboard out of her hand a little rougher than I meant to, my large violet eyes skimming over the black typewritten lettering across the white pages from beneath my knitted brows. My eyes flicked up over the clipboard to glance at her, my expression still dry and cynical. "I suppose you want these soon," I said, my voice just as even as before, waving the clipboard at her.
"Actually, yeah," she said sheepishly. "I was hoping to do a total inventory check this afternoon, so I need a list of everything you've got in the shop. Plus, I think you've noticed that the month is almost up, so that always means we have to go over our cheques and balances to make sure we can cover all our expenses for July…."
"Hilde," I said, handing the clipboard back to her, "I told you on Monday, I'm not going to be sticking around here much longer. Remember? I got a new job. They've even leased out my apartment to someone else for next month already."
"Yeah, I remember," she sighed, taking the clipboard back and hanging her head a little. I felt kind of bad holding out on her that I had gotten a job with Preventers, but Lady Une had put me on one of her top secret teams, and no one outside of the force was really supposed to know who was on it. "But…" she continued, hugging her clipboard close, "I was hoping we could go over this stuff together, just one last time. I mean, I know none of this matters for you since you'll be gone by Sunday, but I really need to get it done and it's tedious doing it alone…."
I sighed too, reaching for the clipboard again and giving it another look-over. Much as I really didn't want to do all that work (it was boring and depressing), I still did feel really bad about ditching Hilde and dumping the garage and the whole salvage yard on her head right when things were going to start getting rushed. "I guess I could," I agreed half-heartedly as I stepped back to let her into my apartment. I closed the door behind her, glad that nobody had been out in the hall to see me looking the way I was. "For old time's sake, I suppose."
"Ooh, thank you Duo!" she giggled happily, bouncing over to me and jumping up to grab me around the neck in a fierce hug, making me drop the clipboard. A violent flush coated my cheeks as I lost a grip on my towel, the top sliding down a little, the towel around my head coming somewhat loose. She noticed my unease and quickly leapt back. "Oops," she blushed. It was the girliest thing I had ever seen her do. "Sorry Duo."
"S'okay," I muttered, readjusting both of my towels. I guess I shouldn't have made such a big deal about the towel in my hair and gone to ensure that my body towel didn't fall down, but strange as it sounds, my hair is a very intimate thing to me. Actually, since Maxwell Church, the only one who has ever seen me naked with hair unbound is Heero. It kind of meant a lot to me that he was the only one too, because it made Heero special… more special than he already was. "Let me go put some pants on," I told her as I retreated back down the hall towards my bedroom. "Wait in the kitchen."
I heard her make some sort of noise of agreement, her footsteps pattering after me for a moment before branching off into the little kitchenette. I kept walking, down towards the bathroom door at the end of the hall, which sat adjacent to my bedroom door. Kicking the door closed behind me, I let my towels drop, glad to finally be free of all that confinement. I had already packed most of my stuff up into a pair of suitcases that sat near the closet, leaving only a few bare essentials that still needed to be taken care of before I moved down to Earth to take Une's job.
I found a pair of loose old sweatpants and an old blue tee shirt that read 'Make Yourself'. It took me about twenty minutes to get a brush through my still damp mess of hair, quick by my standards. Then I hurriedly braided my long chestnut brown locks, which was shining a darker umbre colour in its wet state, afraid that Hilde might suddenly burst into the room for some reason and see it falling free.
Then I collapsed on the bed, burying my nose into the one pillow that remained there, trying hard to muffle the sobs that were choked in my throat. I couldn't explain it; I was just so depressed as of late, and not even Hilde's cheerful disposition could do much to relieve it. It had been Heero's brilliant (I use the word sparingly) idea to pack me off with Hilde to help her start her salvage business. And while part of me was happy to do it, I have to say that guy could be such an idiot sometimes! Dumbest smart person I've ever met, I swear! He insisted that I deserved a chance to make the life he said I had always deserved. I had tried to explain that the life I wanted included him, but you know how he can be; once he gets an idea in his head, there's little to no chance of him letting go, so I had not much else to do other than agree. Sometimes I wonder what that jerk has gone off to do by himself, hoping to God that he was safe and well.
Hilde had noticed how droopy I was ever since we got up here to L2. Of course I tried to be cheerful, and we've had our share of laughs and good times, but for some reason, it was so much harder to fake being happy for her than someone like say, Heero. Maybe it was because there was something else other than just mere friendship to fuel on my cheery attempts, or maybe it was the time, or maybe it's just harder to be around someone who is just genuine happy, instead of the great pretender. Even still, perhaps I had finally gone insane. I wasn't all too sure. All I can safely say is that whatever was wrong with my mask, Hilde noticed and confronted me on it. And when I couldn't talk to even her about it, when I started to rave and scream and she had to physically drag me away from the wall I had been literally pounding my head into, she opted that I go to see someone who could help me climb out of the rut Heero and I had dug for ourselves. Hell and that was only the first time I blew up at her. It only got worse. I think I remember a time when I threw something at her, something heavy and breakable that hit her and made her bleed.
[It's not a breeze 'cause it blows hard.]
The shrink she got me to see didn't really help much either. He was pleasant enough, asked me all the right questions and I gave him all the right answers, however, nothing came out of those sessions. I was hollow and empty enough for even that stupid doctor to notice. I remember sitting outside his office on a cold wooden bench listening to Hilde and him talk about me in hushed voices right on the other side of his closed door. I recall hearing the doctor saying things about me being traumatized by some event in my life; I remembered Hilde said something about me being like to different people trapped in one body. I hated listening to them talk about me like I wasn't three feet away from their conversation, and that just depressed me more. Hilde noticed my increased sarcasm and dry humour, much more biting than it used to be, and though she laughed it off, I could tell it bothered her. I have to hand it to her though; when that doctor said that he thought I should perhaps spend some time in one of those insane asylums (he called it something else, but I know that's what he meant), she put her foot down. That was the last time I had to go see any shrink.
But that still left her with the problem of me. Doctors and their medications didn't help and neither did the cheerful air she continued to possess around me. She knew I wasn't the same as I used to be. Though I was far from being perfect back during the war, at least then I had seemed a little more sociable. Now I was just extremely moody and terribly lonely without my other half. Damn that Heero Yuy sometimes! Damn him and his stupid know-it-all attitude!
[Yes, and it wants me to discard
The humanity I know,
Watch the warmth blow away.]
Like an alarm clock ringing in the middle of a meaningful dream, the sound of the telephone ringing drew me from my vacant dreaming. I let it go, knowing that Hilde was at home enough to just pick it up herself. Sure enough, the dull tones of the telephone ceased and I heard Hilde say some words of greeting, followed by a long pause and a muted "Oh". It wasn't a good "Oh". Definitely a bad sign.
Needless to say, the sound of Hilde's footsteps filled the hall and before I knew it, she was knocking on my door. "Duo," she called, her voice sounding almost choked, "Duo, come get the phone. It's for you."
"Tell 'em I'm not home," I moaned into my pillow. I was feeling a little sleepy and my recent thoughts about all the troubles that I'd had since the war had done nothing but increase that feeling.
"I just told him that I was going to get you," she answered, rapping the door again.
"Then I'm sick," was all I could think of to say. Anything to get out of having to stand up and drag my lazy ass down the hall to the phone and then talk. I didn't think I could even put any cheer in my godforsaken voice, much less my demeanor. It would be even worse if the call turned out to be from someone I knew personally; they would know right off the bat that something was wrong and I really didn't want to have to worry them about Heero and I more than they already were. I can say right now that Trowa looked like he was going to rip off Heero's fingers one by one and force-feed them to him when he heard about this whole 'getting a life experiment'.
"If I told him that, I'd be lying, Mister Honesty." There was a brief gap in her words before she added, as if to provoke me, though all it did was elicit a moan from me. "Besides, it's Wufei. I think you should maybe talk to him."
"Wonderful," I groaned sarcastically. "Just the person I wanted to talk to." I was in no mood to hear Wufei's overzealous rambling on whatever he had to complain about. No doubt he had probably found about Une wanting to hire me and wanted to give me the "No Shenanigans Speech".
"Duo," her voice was suddenly rough. She was turning the doorknob and busting in, her movements firmer now, more like the OZ soldier she used to be than the bubbly little sister I had come to know. "Duo, get up," she ordered as she entered the room, walking over to the bed and snapping the pillow out from under my head. I still didn't move. "Duo, you will take this call. You have to hear what Preventer Chang has to say."
That was when I figured out she was serious and whatever Wufei had to say was going to be more business in nature than a friendly (well, as friendly as Wu-cakes can get) house call. If he was being so formal, there had to be something up. I rolled out of bed (literally), picked my aching body of the floor and slumped to the kitchen, muttering about whatever Wufei had to say being damn bloody important.
"Maxwell here," I said into the phone tiredly, thankfully sitting down at the little fold-up card table I had left in the middle of the kitchen to suffice until the move. Hilde came into the kitchen soon after, practically tripping over the long curly phone cord that trailed across the kitchen floor the handset in my hand.
"Duo," he said, his voice sounded sincerely grave. I might throw in that when Preventer Chang Wufei starts addressing you by your first name, you know that there is something severely up. It's not everyday Wufei goes out of his way to make you feel at ease unless whatever he has to say is going to be worse than his usual stiff formality. "We have a… situation... all of us at Preventers think you should know about, even though you're not officially joining us until next week."
"Oh yeah?" I tried to sound mildly intrigued, wondering what it was that he was playing at. I looked up at Hilde, who was now sitting across from me at the table, her hands folded in her lap, eyes downcast and looking almost solemn. I turned my head from the strange sight of the normally cheerful girl acting so gloomy, though my actual eyes had trouble leaving her. "What kind of 'situation' do you mean?"
"Duo, I'm going to be frank and I'm going to be honest," Wufei said. Was it just me or did he sound kind of choked and upset too? The world was going mad and I somehow knew it.
"Yeah, keep going Wu-babe," I said, noting that he didn't make any comment to the usually annoying nickname. "I'm listening."
"Yuy's been injured," he said, blunt just as he promised he would be, though I could still detect that saddened air about his words as he spoke. "Seriously injured," he added. "He's unconscious and in intensive care."
[So don't let the world bring you down.]
"He's WHAT?" I shrieked into the mouthpiece. Hilde visibly winced at the volume of my voice. I could tell that there was still more to this story than what Wufei had just told me, so I prodded him for more. "How did this happen? Who did this to him?"
"It was…. He…." Wufei seemed unsure of how to proceed from there. I could feel my world crumbling around me. Heero had been hurt? How? Why? When? I found myself wishing I could have been with him; perhaps I could have been able to prevent whatever had happened to him. Or maybe if I could trade, if I could be the one in the hospital, not him. God, this did not happen. Heero Yuy did not get put in intensive care for injuries!
"He what, Wufei?" I demanded impatiently, pounding the tabletop fiercely, causing Hilde to jump.
"He… did it to himself," my Chinese friend whispered so softly I had to strain myself to hear.
[Not everyone here is sad, fucked up and cold!]
"Oh my God," I hissed, my eyes wide. Hilde obviously knew what I had just heard because she only hung her head lower. "Do you know anything else…? Why…?"
"No, we don't know why exactly," Wufei answered gravely. "We got a call into Preventers about six this morning from the hospital. They were looking for any relations of a Mister Heero Yuy, who had been brought to their facilities in the middle of last night. Apparently he's enrolled in school; his roommate was the one who found him lying in their bathroom in a puddle of his own blood. He'd broken the mirror and used to it cut himself. We don't really know much more than that."
"How could he do that?" I was beyond shocked. I never thought that Heero would try to kill himself since that whole incident with Wing and its self-destruct device. "Wufei, I have to go to Earth!" I cried desperately into the phone. "You guys have to let me see him! I have to be with him! What if something else happens!? Oh God, 'Fei, I have to go!"
"I know, Duo, I know," he said in the most sympathetic voice I had ever heard him use towards me. I'd been able to put together from little tidbits that I'd gathered here and there that he'd lost his first love about a year before the war, which was why he was so obsessed with that justice thing. I guess he didn't want see a friend go through the same pain he had too. I secretly appreciated the gesture. "We can try and get you there, but I don't exactly know if it'll be as easy as you'd expect. After all, with your new position with us and all… well… we can't exactly have you wandering around in broad daylight flashing a Preventers badge but…."
"But what, 'Fei?"
"But we'll try our damndest," he promised. Suddenly losing the sad air, he returned to Agent Chang and gave me further instructions. "We'll get you a shuttle flight that leaves L2 tonight, if you're ready. You can be in to see him by tomorrow night."
"I'm ready now! I'll do whatever it takes," I insisted, my voice desperate as I nervously twisted the phone cord around my index finger. "Just get me there," I added softly.
"Good," he said almost curtly. "Give your alias at the spaceport and they'll have your ticket waiting for you. We'll take it from there when you get to Earth."
He hung up before I had a chance to say anything else, which was fine, because quite frankly, I didn't know what else there was that could be said. I held the phone dumbly against my ear for a few seconds before I stood and returned it to the cradle. Turning around, I saw Hilde, still sitting at the table, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I have to go earlier than I planned," I said as gently as I could, trying to shrug it off with a toss of my shoulders and a small grin.
She looked up at me and tried to smile too as she nodded. "I know."
[Remember why you came and while you're alive,
Experience the warmth before you grow… old….]
Preventers got me all the way from space down to this little nondescript town in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't surprised in the least that this was the place Heero had chosen to hide himself away. It was this little place near the mountains where no one would visit if they had to, the main establishment being the huge school that sprawled at the edge of the town's limits. I asked my way around until I found the hospital, a rather small facility that was a little more than a walk-in clinic on the third floor of a tenant building.
I walked into the lobby of the building, pulling off my baseball cap, braid tumbling down my back from its confines beneath the hat as I did so. I re-coiled my braid against the back of my scalp and replaced the hat overtop of it while I waited for the elevator. The stupid thing didn't do much to hide my hair, but it at least made me less distinguishable than that mane of hair usually did. I had promised Wufei I would keep my name on the down low, even from Heero. It hurt me to think that I wouldn't be able to even let him know I was there, but a deal is a deal and if I wanted that position with Preventers, I had to be like a fucking ghost.
The elevator dinged as it reached the ground floor. It was an ancient looking affair with an extremely small car and one of those ornate gated doors you had to pull open and closed yourself. I was hardly aware as the rattling noise of the gate being pulled back echoed throughout the empty lobby and a strawberry blonde kid in a nice uniform looking coat and tie stepped off the lift and stood aside, politely holding the door open for me. "Thanks," I said automatically as I stepped onto the lift and pulled the gate closed, pressing the little golden button under the number '3'. I smiled in farewell to him as the elevator begin to rise upwards towards my destination.
I found myself getting off on a white and sterile floor, heading down the empty hallway to the one doorway at its end. Beyond that was an empty little waiting room equipped with only a few chairs and a receptionist's desk, behind which sat a young bored looking nurse. I stepped quickly over in her direction and asked her if I could see Heero.
"Visiting hours are over, Sir," she said, blowing a little bubble of pink gum between her lips before smacking it back into her mouth and chewing it loudly.
"I don't give a shit," I growled dangerously, not in the mood to argue about it. I didn't care what they said; I would see Heero if it killed me. If she had known any of the signs that Shinigami was itching to come out and play, she would have realized that it would have been in her best interest to just let me back right then. "I want to see Heero Yuy, and I want to see him now."
"Sorry, rules is rules," she answered, not even bothering to look up at me this time as she blew another loud smacking bubble.
I leaned over the desk and ripped the crossword puzzle she was working on out of her hands and threw it absently over my shoulder. "Look missy," I said in a voice that was so calm, it was apparent that I was ready to do something completely out of control. "I've been on a shuttle from L2 for a day, spent a hellish amount of time trying to find this hole in the wall town and now you tell me I can't see him? I don't think so. So let me tell you what you're gonna do: you're gonna make a little 'exception' to the rules or else my good friend Rage will be the one to do it for you."
"Room 11," she whispered meekly, obviously able to detect the black fire smoldering in my eyes. "Don't make a fuss; we don't want him to wake up. He's the one who's crazy."
I grinned at her as she gave me the information, my expression smug. I let go of her white collar and stood up straight, touching the bill of my baseball cap in jovial thanks as I let myself back into the patient's ward. As I walked by all the doors, looking for number 11, I wondered to myself what she had meant when she said that he was crazy. Sure, I knew that something inside of Heero must have snapped to make him do what he had, but there must have been something that had occurred here at the hospital to make them so wary. Maybe that roommate Wufei had mentioned has said something to them? I hoped not; some nutcase kid wouldn't understand anything Heero did. Not very many people do.
Room 11 was around the corner and off in its own little world. I opened the door and slid inside, closing the door quietly behind me. Then I turned around to face the bed, nearly fainted dead away when I finally laid eyes upon him.
[So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier?]
I slowly moved over towards the bed and sat down on a small wooden stool that sat nearby the small cot. A glass of water and a bottle of sleeping drugs sat on the table near the bed, a small bunch of carnations dunked in a vase nearby. He was lying in the bed nearby, clad in only a loose gray hospital gown. My eyes were riveted to his face, so pale and lifeless, despite the damp sheen on his lips that sparkled in the ethereal sunlight wafting through the window. I could see his cheekbones jutting prominently on his face, dark circles painted beneath his eyes. His breathing was soft and slightly irregular, the light panting dotted with a heavy pained gasp every now and then. His upturned arms were wrapped tightly from wrist to mid-arm with blood caked gauze, both his hands also bound tightly with the sterile cloth. The snaking clear cord of an IV drip trailed ominously from beneath the bandages on his right arm to the pouch hanging lazily over his bed, complimented by the slightly reassuring sound of a nearby heart monitor's steady beep.
They had strapped him down to the small metal-framed hospital cot, his arms tied to the side rails with leather bonds, legs and torso held down with similar belts. He had probably panicked and gotten wild when he woke up and found himself there, forcing them to use restraints. It sickly reminded me of that time I saved him from that OZ facility where they had him bound for a similar reason. The fact that he had not been able to break free proved that he must have been extremely weak, especially if a few simple narcotics were able to knock him out and keep him sleeping so peacefully there.
"Hey there, angel," I whispered affectionately as I tried to brush a spike of his messy dark hair from his eyes, only to watch it fall back in its disorderly place. His hair felt limp and dead to touch, not the usual soft wispy quality I remembered it being the last time I had lost my fingers in that dark mess. "You really fucked us over big time, didn't you, fella?"
Heero slumbered on in that state of restless peace. I could tell he was more than a little weak and drained, sure that whatever drugs they were pouring down his throat weren't helping him too much either. Turning to the bedside table again, I found a clipboard with a packet of papers that reduced Heero to nothing more than a couple scribbled words on a regimented form. "Four slashes to the lower right arm, six to the lower left, gashes on both palms," I read quietly to myself, leafing through the reports, my eyes flicking up to survey his slumbering form every now and then. "Cause: self-inflicted; Mental State: unstable—horse shit! Mentally unstable my ass! —Significant blood loss, yadda, yadda, yadda…." I got sick of reading their 'analysis' of what they thought they knew about Heero and tossed the clipboard aside. "They don't get it, do they, angel?" I said sadly to his closed eyes, wishing sorely that I could see him wake up, becoming gloomier to know that I couldn't. "They tie you up like a wild animal their afraid of." I reached down to loosen his bonds enough so that he could wriggle free when he awoke. "It's like tying down a bird so it can't be free."
[And leave in my wake a trail of fear?]
He made a low groaning noise in his sleep, which sent my eyes racing to look at his; they remained tired and closed, painted with the dark purplish blue colour of someone who had not slept enough in months. His lips stirred somewhat, puckering a little as his eyebrow twitched a bit. Seeing that he was waking, I panicked a little and hastily jumped to my feet. I did not want to leave him (figuring I would probably have trouble getting past that cranky receptionist again), but I knew I could not allow him to know I was there. For starters, I was pretty sure he'd be pissed if he found out I had come crying to him like I couldn't hack it on my own. One thing someone learns after spending a lot of quality time with Heero Yuy is that when he says something, you jump right on it or he'll knock you down and kick you until your bleeding and broken. I didn't want to have to see him angry with me, especially in this situation. Another thing was that if he got the idea that I had come down here to pity him, he'd split my lip in two. He hates pity like the goddamned plague.
Being the expert sneak thief I am, I quickly noted that the ceiling tiles above me were the sort that could be lifted and moved out of the way. Ceilings like that usually lead the way to an empty crawl space full of electrical wiring and all that jazz, perfect for hiding out in. With a good leap, I managed to knock one of the tiles out of the way and with another, I flung my arms up and inside, getting a good amount of support on the topside of the ceiling to hoisted myself up with that extra leverage. I replaced the tile after I had gone through, finding the space I was in was so low I was forced to crawl around on my belly like a slug. I kept my mouth shut about this little inconvenience, as it was good enough to keep me hidden. I eventually wriggled my way over to a grating in the ceiling and spied down into the room through the slated grille.
Heero's eyes fluttered open, illuminated with a dull blue that had this nostalgic aura that seemed somehow extremely frightening to me. God, his eyes were always so intense; despite that uncanny saddened air that clouded them, they still remained such a brilliant shade of Prussian blue that the rest of the room seemed bland and nothing more than a jumbled smear of white and gray. His cobalt irises danced around the room, surveying the place like he knew there was something out of joint. Unconsciously, I held my breath, worried he might hear me, knowing that Mister Perfect Soldier's ears were better than a cat's on the blackest night of the year.
Seeming to realize that he was no longer prisoner to the bed, he sat up and flexed his knees, lifting his arms and holding them in front of him as he blankly stared at the bandages mummifying his arms, the shoulder of his gown slipping down as he moved. I wondered if he understood the weight of what he had done. Did he know that killing himself would kill me? He's such and idiot sometimes… such an idiot that I can't help but adore him.
In a move that made me want to jump out and beat him, he pulled the IV out of his arm with barely a wince and disconnected himself from all the other machinery in the room, raising his arms for scrutiny once more as soon as this was finished. He swung his bare slender legs over the side of the bed, still staring blindly at his arms. I think it was finally just registering with him what kind of mess he had made of himself. He at last let them drop to his sides with a tired heave of air from his lungs. I was looking directly down at the top of his head, the sunlight from the window streaked in large muted squares of yellow upon his messy hair. It made him look almost surreal, and I found that if I squinted my eyes just right, the light created the illusion of angel's wings rising from his shoulder blades.
I watched as he stood and lethargically moved over towards the clipboard I had tossed so carelessly on the floor. He slowly stooped to pick it up and replaced it on the bedside table exactly as I had found it. Though the precise neat-freak gesture had been an extremely Heero thing to do, the exhaustion with which he moved was extremely bothersome to me. Even during the war, when Heero had something wrong with him from a little fever to a broken leg, he would cover it up and operate on the usual 110% he always did. But now he seemed tired and it looked like it almost hurt him to move. I hope that the teardrop that just leaked from my eye didn't land on him….
[Or should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench in spokes by
Leaving the air behind me clear?]
Suddenly the door burst open and a nurse popped in long enough to let out a low gasp before turning around and frantically yelling most unprofessionally down the corridor, "Docto-o-o-or! He's up! And somehow he's out of bed!" I knew immediately from that irritating voice that it was that stupid girl who had been popping her gum so damn loud at the front desk when I had walked in earlier.
The patter of feet rushing down the hall filled the air and a doctor with greasy brown hair burst past the nurse, knocking her aside in a most satisfying manner. "Mister Yuy! You're awake!" he gasped, sounding a little shocked to see Heero standing there in the middle of the room. I don't know why he was so worked up; I could tell by that deadened look in Heero eye that he was just staring blankly at him and would not do anything to lash out. Usually when Heero was going to kick some ass, he got this look in his eye that gave away what he was going to do.
Heero just hung his head almost sadly, staring down at his bare feet, which were positioned in an odd pigeon-toed fashion, not very Heero-like. "I was scared," he whispered quietly, his voice so soft I had to press my ear to the grating to even have the slightest hope of listening in. "I had a dream that I was alone, that even the people who once cared ran away."
"Did that wake you up?" the doctor asked, flinging an arm around Heero and slowly guiding him back to the bed, his voice gentler than it had been before. I smiled that the man was showing Heero the kindness that he needed, though I was soon distraught that Heero was starting to have nightmares again. The last time I remember either of us having a nightmare was maybe two months after we first started sleeping together. I wondered if Heero's newfound unrest had to do with my absence or the overdoses of drugs they were giving him to keep him sedate.
"Yeah," Heero mumbled as he sat down at the foot of the bed, messing with the hem of his generic white hospital wear. "Can I have a glass of water?" he whispered softly, not looking up to meet the doctor's eye.
"Go get him some water," the doctor commanded that stupid vulture nurse, who had been hawking the doorway that entire time. Thankfully, she flounced off to do her task and was gone for a good while.
"How long was I sleeping?" he asked with a heavy sigh, like it was almost a pain to ask it.
"Oh, maybe a day or so," the doctor shrugged, sitting down on the stool I had been using before. "It's typical for someone who's been through so much."
Heero's face fell and became darker at this. I could tell he was brooding, even from my far-off standpoint. That stupid quack might not have been able to tell, but for someone who has Heero's body language down to an exact science, it was pretty plain to tell that these things bothered him. "If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to go through so much," he grumbled irately to himself. Now that comment bothered me!
[So don't let the world bring you down.]
"You're still tired," the doctor said to Heero, his tone rather resolute. As he spoke, that bimbo nurse came back with Heero's water and wordlessly handed the cup to the doctor, who in turn gave it to Heero. "You should try and go back to sleep, Mister Yuy," the doctor said firmly as he watched Heero indulge in a long drink from the cup, taking large visible swallows that appeared in his throat as he did so.
"Did anyone come to visit?" Heero asked, a little trace of hopeful intone in his speech as he handed the glass back to the doctor.
The doctor placed the cup on the bedside table and answered the question. "Just your friend from school," he said with a warm smile. "He comes by almost all the time."
I nearly fell through the ceiling and beat the crap out of that stupid receptionist nurse who was still lingering in the room when she opened her big fat yap. "There was this other guy who came in looking for you," she drawled slowly. Heero's eyes were pinned to her, waiting for her to go on. "Had a bad attitude and a wicked grin. The jerk practically threatened me to let him back, even though visiting hours were through."
"What!?" the doctor sounded alarmed. "Did anything happen?"
Heero, however, made no such revelations of any fear and continued his straightforward military-style interrogation. "What did this person look like?" he asked calmly, propping himself up on the flat pillows that lay at the top of his bed. "Did he have long hair? Or maybe you saw his eyes? Tell me, please!"
"Didn't get a good look at his eyes," the woman shrugged. She was smacking her stupid gum again. I hate people who chew their gum loud! "He was wearing this black baseball hat that covered his eyes. And maybe he had long hair. I dunno. He was wearing that hat."
"Oh," he responded, settling back into the cushions and sinking lower into the mattress. "He didn't… tell you his name? Nothing like that?"
"Nope. Just, 'I want to see Heero Yuy… NOW!' Then he threatened me and I was kind of freaked out so…"
"Never mind then. I just thought it might have been… an old…." Heero cut her off softly with a wave of his hand, trailing off distractedly as his eyes clouded over, becoming somewhat droopy as he turned his head into the pillow, murmuring, "I'm tired…. So tired…. I think I'll just…." He was slowly nodding off to sleep, his words becoming lower and more incoherent and before long, he was peacefully slumbering again.
[Not everyone here is sad, fucked up and cold!]
"He's not well. I'm thinking we might need to look into extended care for him once his body heals," the doctor murmured quietly to the nurse across Heero's sleeping form as she went to fix the IV back into Heero's arm. It was pissing me off that they could just stand there and talk about my poor Heero like he wasn't even in the room! Granted he was sleeping, but they made it seem like he wasn't even human. That bothered me beyond all belief—I have no time for people who have that horrible misconception that Heero is not human. He's actually more human and childlike than I had ever dreamed he could be.
"He's scary sometimes," the nurse added, rubbing a sterilized cotton ball over a patch of flesh on Heero's arm. "And that guy who was his friend was just as bad. Someone should watch him all the time."
"When his roommate from school comes back to visit tomorrow," the doctor said, watching as the nurse slid the slim hollow needle set on the end of the IV tube into Heero's flesh. "We'll see if he can spend the night here to make sure he doesn't do anything more to himself."
"Sure thing, doc," the nurse answered in a disgustingly chipper voice as she finished her job and started to walk out of the room with the doctor, still discussing Heero in muted tones as they went. "We don't want him getting out of control and trying to do himself in again. He's got scars all over him as it is…."
The second the door closed behind the pair, I ripped one of the ceiling tiles out of the way and dropped back down into the room. I took the time to clamber onto the stool in order to replace the tile I had disturbed before plopping down on the four-legged seat, sloppily resting my elbows on my parted knees. "Sleep, sleep," I said slowly, watching as Heero's chest rose and fell. "Sleep is all you do. You used to hate napping just for the hell of it. But look at you now, just dozing all the time. I'm not stupid Heero; I know you're just trying to find away to pass the days away without really living through them."
I eventually removed my hat and dropped it to the floor, my braid swinging down the length of my back where it belonged. Then I dragged the stool as close to the bed as I could and spent the night with my head resting on his hard stomach as it gently rose and fell with each laboured breath, in and out of sleep.
[Remember why you came and while you're alive,
Experience the warmth before you grow… old….]
I woke late morning the next day to the sound an opening door and the abrupt and disgruntled words, "Who the hell are you?"
I snapped up, realizing that I was still dozing on Heero's chest. Blinking in the blinding sunlight, I stole a glance at Heero, who had moved scantly an inch during the course of the night and still lay there as he had been before, sickly, wan and asleep. Then I turned my attentions to the speaker in the doorway. I found myself staring at the blonde kid I had seen on the elevator the day before. He was still in the doorway, one hand gripping the doorknob tightly as he frowned at me suspiciously.
"What are you doing here?" he asked dubiously, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him.
"I came to visit Heero," I said with a roll of my eyes, wondering what the hell else I could have possibly been there for. On a second thought, I decided not to go into it. "I was told that he had gotten his ass landed in the hospital and I had to make sure he was still… okay…."
"He's not, if you couldn't tell," he said flatly, crossing his arms over his stiff uniform coat, the same I had seen him wearing the day before.
"Like you could ever understand it," I muttered darkly, knowing full well that this guy had to be a civilian who had no idea what the hell it was like to be either one of us. Quite frankly, I don't really blame Heero for wanting to off himself. I could justify the feelings, but I couldn't help but remind myself that I was a selfish bastard who refused to give him up to Shinigami just yet. "They pretend like they get it but no one ever understands it. If they did, it wouldn't have turned out like this."
"What would you know about what Heero's been through!" the guy asked pretentiously, stamping his foot a little.
I let out a low private chuckle, staring at the floor with a wicked grin on my face as I stood up and faced him, slowly raising my eyes to meet his and quite pleased to see his pupils dilate when he took on the heat rimming my eyes. "What would I know, you ask?" I said, sounding quite amused. "Oh believe me, sir, I know what it's like."
"Right, so if you know so much, let's hear it," he said smugly, taking a few daring steps forward.
I closed my eyes as I opened my mouth, resting my hand on Heero's stomach, feeling the hard muscles contort strangely with his uneven breath. "I know what it feels like to live your life, unsure of what's real and what's not, feeling more alive in your dreams than when you're awake, like your senses lie to you and you're always alone. Believe me," I said, opening my eyes once more, my fingers still reaching to make sure Heero was still there, "I know what it's like to stand on the wrong side of the looking glass, outside looking in. I know what it's like to be lost in Wonderland perpetually."
"Who are you?" he asked, his eyes wide with something I would drop into the category of 'fear'.
I laughed again, finding this game fun. He was a good sport to play with. "I am… no one…. Just a shadow, a face without a name."
"A shadow?" Now he was definitely scared of me. I could see him already screaming for the nurses.
"Heero's shadow, to be more exact," I added mysteriously. "I am his darkness that follows in the wake of his light. See?" I gently stroked Heero's forehead, brushing his thick bangs across the white flesh and attempting to tuck them behind his small ears. "I followed him yet again."
He was staring at me like I was some kind of sick stalker. Can I say right now that I refuse to allow myself to be put in the same category as Miss Relena Peacecraft? Granted, she's been getting a little better now that she's finally figured out that it was time to friggin' grow up and get over the fact that Heero wasn't going to give her just what she wanted when she wanted it. I think it was kind of good for her in the long run that Heero was like "Fuck you!" every time she tried to bend him to be the pretty little housetrained pup she wanted my wild wolf to be. I was going to make some wry comment about him not knowing the true meaning of 'stalker' when I noticed Heero starting to grow restless again.
"Shh!" I hissed, mashing my forefinger against my lips as I watched the sleeping boy more carefully, unsure if he was just dreaming or on the verge of waking up again. Heero let out a quiet little moan and tossed his head to the side with a slight whimpering noise before falling into a silent dreamless sleep again. "I can't let him… see me…." I whispered sadly to no one in particular.
[So don't let the world bring you down!]
"Why not?" the kid ventured a question, a bold move to say the least as I could tell he was ready to piss his pants standing there watching me look at Heero so sadly. "Isn't Heero your friend? I bet it would make him feel better to know that someone else besides boring old me came by...."
"He would be… unhappy… to see me again, I think," I said dejectedly, not even really believing the words myself as I said them. Then again, one could never be too sure with Heero Yuy. A part of me felt that he truly would be happy to see me again and would welcome me readily, but another part feared that he would be ready to beat me senseless over the head for being unable to cut it on my own. Even if I had come just to see if he was well, it was hard to tell how he would read things sometimes. While his mind was far deeper and more complex than anyone could ever dream to know, he also had the most explosive and angry temper known to mankind left to protect the treasures of said mind. I knew firsthand what it could be like to suffer the wild wrath of Heero Yuy.
"Oh I don't think so…." the boy cocked his head to the side. I noted that he had managed to sneak across the floor from the door to the foot of Heero's bed and now stood there, leaning on the metal rail that rose a few inches over the mattress.
"No, no," I said, shaking my head in a fashion that sent my braid whipping back and forth across my back like a pendulum on a whip. "You don't know him… not like… not like I do…. No one knows him like I do… because…."
[Not everyone here is sad, fucked up and cold!]
"Because?" he prodded at my hesitation, looking extremely impatient. I bet he thought that I was trying to yank his chain or something; little did he know that this was all very far from a joke.
"…Because we're the same," I finally whispered softly, stroking Heero's forehead again, fingers slipping down the gently slope of his little nose and softly stroked his plush lower lip. "Look, he hurt himself and he hurt me too."
He clenched his fists unconsciously at his sides, staring down at his generic black loafers like he was trying to figure out what he should do next. I think he was a little annoyed at my ambiguity, frightened by my sudden appearance and intrigued by my amazing ability to read Heero's feelings off his sleeping face like a book. He at last looked up again, running a stray hand through his strawberry blond hair and said, "How do you know this?"
I smiled almost sadly, flashes of my life exploding through my memory in less than an instant. "Closer than most to him," I explained, remembering fondly how we used to be joined at the hip. I met the stranger's eyes, trying hard to make my own purple irises seem solid and not soaked by threatening tears. "What am I 'sposed to do?"
Silence reigned between us for some time. He dared to step around the bed, nearer to me, sitting down on the stool that stood empty beside me. I wasn't aware of his nearing presence until he reached up and grabbed my hand, tugging me downward onto my knees. "Don't show any remorse for your love…. You do… love him… right?"
[Remember why you came and while you're alive….]
I looked up at the boy and then glanced over at the still dormant Heero. "I always wanted to be like him," I said softly, settling back on my calves, hands lying with sweaty palms down upon my thighs. "It was like there was a… a star born inside of him; a warm star that I wanted so badly to feel inside myself. And somehow, I got close to him. I… I fell in love with him… and then… then I felt it… that warm star, right here." I laid a hand gingerly on my breast, feeling the erratic twitching of my heart buried deep inside. "He told me once," I whispered, my eyes settled upon the spindled fingers laying upon my chest, "that he was looking for the same thing inside of me, that he wanted someone who was forever warm because he was so cold, that he wished he could be like me."
"Maybe I… I think I do see," the boy mumbled, gazing at Heero with a new kind of light in his eyes. I think this kid was able to see in me what Heero had tried to hide. My feelings were more apparent that Heero's, but Heero's sadness and steel was more obvious than mine was. We were the same person introverted in different bodies. He was heaven's fallen angel and I was hell's risen devil.
"Maybe," I assented quietly.
"Why are you hiding from him?" the boy asked abruptly, jarring the somber mood of the room.
I quickly stood, straightening out my wrinkled shirt and jacket as I did so. "I always hide," I answered, clearing my throat. "He'll find me when he's ready," I amended when I saw the strange expression painted upon my companion's face. "He always could."
"Oh," was the grave reply, the misty sunlight swirling around the room managing to dose his previous adamant exclamation.
"I think I need to go," I said with a fleeting glance at Heero's gaunt features. I slid my hand under my jacket, groping for the hidden inside pocket that contained a small white envelope I had meant to leave on Heero's bedside before I left for good. Wufei wanted me to check in at the Preventers Headquarters in New York City the next day; I had already stayed longer than I had meant to anyway. I quickly brushed past the boy, discreetly dropping the weighty little pouch into his lap as I passed, not daring to chance another look at Heero's wan form for fear I might not be able to leave again.
[Experience the warmth before you grow… old…]
As I peered quickly over my shoulder at the confused blonde sitting on the stool holding the envelope up as if he was unsure what it was I said in a low quick voice, "Please see he gets it." With that, I closed the door, pausing to lean against the cheap white board with a sigh the second it was closed behind me. Gathering my wits, I pushed myself forward and left the small medical faculty as brusquely as I could, stepping quickly onto the elevator and pulling the frilly wrought iron gate closed over my last connection with Heero for a long time. I sighed as I pulled the plain inside gate of the elevator closed, feeling completely empty and full of doubt and remorse. And knowing that I was making the wrong choice, I pushed the button for the ground floor.
[Before you grow… old…
Where did it go?
Where did it… go?]
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A/N – One more chapter! Come on, you know it ends up happy if you've read the other story… There you go! Incentive! Read Coming Through the Rye and review! Ah! Go on!