"I ask you again. Why?!" Gendo asked, rage causing his voice to tremble slightly.
"Because it's useless. Even when I'm with you your heart is elsewhere. You care only for that damnable dummy. You are afraid of loving anyone that can love you back." Ritsuko answered, her head bowed, staring blankly at the floor.
Gendo's shadow blocked the light from the other side of the door. An outline of his head loomed over Ritsuko's own head. He stood silently, glaring at her behind the tinted glasses.
"I see you're still here." Ritsuko continued flatly, her tone dead and uncaring.
"Are you unsatisfied with my answers?" she asked.
Gendo slammed the door shut. Normally slamming shut a three inch thick steel door was a task of considerable strength, but now, the door shut itself with a clang, which echoed through the dark cell where Ritsuko sat, masking the sound of Gendo angrily walking away.
NEON
GENESIS
EVANGELION
Damnation
The footsteps eventually faded away in the distance, and Ritsuko was left alone again. It would be some time before the guard came by with food. Time, something she had too much of now. Something she could no longer measure. There are 24 hours to the day. She was fed three times a day. That means that every time a plate of lukewarm rice and fried fishcakes was given to her, eight hours had passed. Totalling them, it would mean that she had been here twelve days. Or was is twenty four days? Perhaps it was sixteen days, accounting for the times she had felt too tired to wait for food, and had fallen asleep instead, only to miss her miserable meal?
So much time alone. Ritsuko gazed blankly at the infinite blackness of her jail cell. Her mind, the same award-winning, super genius mind that was her one true friend now worked against her, summoning memories that consume her waking thoughts.
When they built this place, her mother designed this cell to inflict as much psychological trauma on its occupant as possible. The light source was hidden away in the ceiling, and the light was dimmed, allowing her to see her hand in front of her, the outline hard cot where she slept, and door frame. The light was too dim to allow her to read, which infuriated her no end. The sink, her only source of clean water, was also designed to drip, the constant dripping of water onto the aluminium sink a psychological tool designed to break the will of the occupant. There was a one way peephole on the door, enabling anonymous jailers to peek in on her at any time, which she was sure they often did.
There was mold and other fungi in the cell too, Ritsuko knew. Even though invisible to the naked eye, even the mold under the sink was carefully cultured and cultivated for its barely noticeable hallucinogenic properties. She knew all this, and the knowledge was the biggest torture of all.
Ritsuko sighed, standing up to take off her white coat. She neatly folded the heavy lab coat in half, placing in on her lap as she sat down on her cot. She stared off into the distance for a few seconds before resignedly lowering her head, staring at the white lab coat in her lap.
In the cell, it was all too easy to lose track of time. Ritsuko's mind began to wander into the past, to the day she got her first ever lab coat.
It was an unusually cool day in Tokyo 02, the day that Ritsuko registered as a freshman in the University after passing her entrance exam at the tender age of 18. Her mother, Naoko, was there to send her off, and set down the last of Ritsuko's heavy bags.
"I think that's all of them," Naoko said, smiling. "So I guess the only thing left to do…."
"Oh, mother!" Ritsuko playfully protested, her hand brushing back a lock of brown-black hair that strayed into her eyes. "Leaving so soon?"
"You know I have to. Gehirn needs me to build that supercomputer." Naoko replied, kneeling down, searching for something as Ritsuko looked on, puzzled. "Ah, here it is!" Naoko exclaimed happily as she found a large plastic bag on the floor of Ritsuko's new dorm room. She rummaged in it briefly before producing it.
Ritsuko Akagi's first ever lab coat.
"There we are!" Naoko said happily as she unfolded the garment. "A Biology student like yourself should get the most comfortable lab coat money can buy," Naoko said as she took Ritsuko's hand and started to feed her daughter's arm into the long sleeve. Ritsuko took the hint and quickly dressed herself in it.
The lab coat was thick and it felt warm. The coat ended somewhere below her knees, which covered more leg than the short skirt Ritsuko had on.
"There we go! Oh, don't you look so cute," Naoko said, smiling as Ritsuko twirled around, showing off.
"Well, I have to go now, I can't let that woman Yui take over everything when I'm gone," Naoko said as she turned and started walking out the door.
"Mother!" Ritsuko called out. Naoko turned slightly, one foot out of the door.
"I was hoping we could have some coffee in the canteen or something, you know, celebrate?" Ritsuko plaintively asked.
"Sorry dear, things are very busy right now. Like I said, if I don't take care of things…"
"Oh," Ritsuko said, dismayed.
"Besides, you're a double major in Biology and Computer Science. If I were you I'd use every available second to study!" Naoko said as she stepped out the door and made a brisk walk back to her car.
"Yeah, we'll do it when we have time!" Ritsuko called out, somewhat desperately, to her mother's rapidly retreating form.
A single tear fell from Ritsuko's eyes, landing on her lap, breaking her out of her reverie and reminding her of the miserable present.
"Hey mom," Ritsuko said slowly, biting her lip in an attempt to control her feelings, "What about that drink, huh? You're dead, and I might as well be. We have all the time in the world," Ritsuko laughed a little at her own words.
Time passed.
Tap.
Tap tap.
Ritsuko drew her hands to her face trying to get the sleep out of her eyes so she could see where that annoying sound was coming from. The doctor slowly sat up and looked around, which was perhaps futile, in the darkened cell.
Hearing nor seeing anything, she tried to her best to get back to sleep. Besides it was the best thing to do here... thinking would just make it worse.
Tap tap.
Tap.
Not a moment after she closed her weary eyes to fall back into the dreams and nightmares she always had, the tapping begun once more.
"Dr. Akagi? Are you awake?" the soft but determined voice of a young man roused her from her cot, without thinking she answered with a nod.
Quickly realising her mistake she corrected herself, "Yes... I'm awake." she quietly replied, wondering who it was.
"Maya wanted... to ask how you were doing?" he asked while Ritsuko sat on the cot trying to tune out the dripping water.
It was always small talk.
"I'm fine. Tell her not to worry."
Makoto to a step backwards stretching his head, he guess he underestimated her, "Um... she wanted you to have this..."
A hand came through the slit in her door, but because of the dim light it was hard to make out what he was holding...
She stood up and walked over carefully took the gift he offered.
It was a honey bun. The ones that Maya always brought during break.
Seconds after she got the snack, Makoto stated to walk off being careful to get caught being down here.
"Thank you."
He almost tripped, not once could he remember a kind word coming from her mouth directed towards him... or anyone, "Your welcome..."
As she noted before, the room was made to break the sanity of anyone imprisoned within it.
The bare black walls bland without life, except the NERV logo on wall facing her... a constant reminder that she was trapped here.
The dripping was made to annoy her, to make her weak because it was nothing she could do about it...
Being bored was once thing, but being forced to think was another...
She sat back down and took a bite out of the honey bun.
Ritsuko laughed a bit when she discovered that it was warm, causing her to remember the way in which Maya would always set the microwave to same number every single time.
She soon stopped laughing as she took another bit out of the honey bun, a blatant contrast to the cold chill of her surroundings.
She quickly finished up the honey bun and rested her head on the pillow made of her own coat. She decided to wait for her meal this time around... no use trying to fake bravado by refusing to eat and end up dying in a lonely cell.
So she got into a comfortable position, in the darkness awaiting the endless thoughts that were bound to come and also plotting her revenge...
Time passed.
She looked at the bland food with unconcealed disgust.
The mashed potatoes and cow tongue looked... plain, like the cook just threw it on the tray and told them to send it down.
Ritsuko, hated to think about it this way, but she could see she was becoming a little paranoid. She wanted to inspect her food to make sure it was up to her standards... but the dim light made that almost impossible.
She wanted to just to take a nap and make sure that a guard wasn't looking at her every six minutes, but if the food went uneaten now, they would just take it away from her when she slept.
There was no choice in the matter, she told herself.
Ritsuko picked up the plastic cup and slowly let the water run down her throat.
Yes, she ate just enough to keep her alive, but she eagerly drank the water that came with it. Although it always tasted of metal and mud, it was always better than eating... unknown things.
She poked at the mashed potatoes with the spork she held, "This is probably his way of slowly trying to torture me." She didn't want to know if that crunch came from the potatoes or the cup,
Ritsuko can remember times she went without food before, and this wasn't even one of the worst. One time she was looking over Dr. Ikari's reports and...
She paused.
Dr. Ikari. Ikari Yui. Creator of the Evangelions.
"Would it be like this if she never existed?" She asked the empty room.
The Angels would have came even if the Evangelion Units were created or not. Gendo probably would have still been the commander... it probably would have been her mother who headed the Evangelion project first.
Her mother probably would have been much more... She wouldn't have had to spend her career under the shadow of the Ikari woman. She wouldn't have been so bitter. She wouldn't have been driven to become the Naoko Akagi that Ritsuko remembered.
It wasn't like she hated Yui, it was just, even if she kept lying to herself trying to say that it wasn't true, was a bit jealous...
Ritsuko pushed the long forgotten food to the side and laid down, "What did she see in him? What did he do to make her fall for him?"
So many questions... most of which would never be answered...
"But isn't that the reason that humans are just humans, because of unanswered questions..." Naoko said once.
She remembered that lunchtime conversation well, not because it was her first day as a full fledged employee, but because of the seeming nonsense that was said that day.
"We have to rely on each other because we don't have the strength or knowledge to be completely independent, thus we are not perfect beings." Ritsuko remembered Fuyutsuki saying this back in the Gehirn days, when he was explaining to her the nature of Gehirn, the Evangelions, and the coming return of the Angels.
"It will always be a question that can't be answered by one, but another, and it will always be something that one knows and another doesn't." Gendo continued.
Now, too late, it began to make sense. Gendo relied on her. And now he no longer did so. Therefore, she was put here. Ritsuko turned on her side to face the wall, "Are we close to perfection... or far from it?" She once again asked no one but herself.
She blinked as she recalled a few of the events that have long since passed.
"Yes... so far away." she said aloud as she closed her eyes to fall into, hopefully, a peaceful sleep.
***********
Ritsuko lay still on the cot, an arm carelessly draped around her eyes, her mind trying to free itself from the dreary hell that she was trapped in. She was trying her hardest to sleep and seek solace in dreams but she kept getting startled into wakefulness by the heavy thuds of her jailer's boots.
The rude interruptions to her slumber came at random intervals. Sometimes she can just feel herself drifting off to sleep before the sound caused her to wake. Sometimes she swore she was dreaming before she lurched into wakefulness, her peace destroyed by the footsteps on the other side. She has totally lost track of time, having no idea how long she had her fitful sleep.
Time. Ritsuko groaned softly, cursing herself softly for not asking Makoto the time. A tiny detail, so easily ignored now. The details that make the web of lies and deceit she lived in for so many years.
The first lie was taught by none other than her mother.
"The commander? He's an okay person, really, back in the days before Yui died," Naoko said. Ritsuko's mother was literally inside the MAGI, running diagnostic tests on several core memory relays. Ritsuko sat outside the open maintenance hatch, peering curiously into the darkened supercomputer. Dancing shadows lit by the eerie glow of LEDs outlined her mother's figure.
"So, you know him well, mother?" Ritsuko asked nonchalantly.
There was a brief pause before Naoko answered.
"No. The commander keeps to himself most of the time. There's Fuyutsuki, of course. But they've known each other long before anyone else here in Gehirn." Naoko answered.
"Even Yui, is that true?" Ritsuko asked.
There was no reply. Several seconds passed before Naoko spoke again, her voice now all business.
"Pass me the number five wrench," she said, her voice sounding distant and metallic from somewhere inside the MAGI.
Ritsuko fumbled around on hands and knees, searching for the tool. She found it, and thrust her arm into the maintenance panel as far as it could go. She had to stay outside for safety reasons, so she held the wrench in her hand, waiting for her mother to crawl out to her and take it.
She heard some shuffling noises and she quickly felt her mother's cold hands brushing against her fingers as she took the tool away.
"Mother," Ritsuko said, her voice raised slightly.
Naoko stopped crawling, and looked back over her shoulder to see her daughter's worried expression. Thinking nothing of it, she shrugged and started to crawl deeper into the MAGI.
"So you're saying you don't know him all that well?" Ritsuko asked. There was a strange quaver in her voice.
"Not really," Naoko said, already being distracted by the wires and circuits and connectors. "You sound tired. Get somebody to take over and get some rest," she said, tiredness creeping into her own voice.
Ritsuko stood up and waved at a nearby technician. She pointed a long, thin finger at the opened maintenance hatch. The man nodded an acknowledgement and hurriedly walked over to replace Ritsuko.
"So, mother," Ritsuko thought as she made her way out of the vast room that housed the MAGI, "you're in the habit of kissing strangers now."
Five years after that conversation Ritsuko found herself in bed with that very same stranger.
********
It was a beautiful day.
It seemed like the sunlight parted the clouds just enough for the golden light to shine on the side of her face as they drove towards Nerv, "Mother, when was the last time you seen a rainbow?" Ritsuko asked as she rested her chin on her hand admiring the blue sky and puffy, white clouds above them.
The woman eased her foot down on the brake causing the car to stop at a red light, "I don't remember the last time I really looked at the sky Ritsuko, sometimes in order to get things done people have to miss out on the small things."
"Oh."
Ritsuko watched as her attempt at starting an conversation failed, as once again silenced filled the vehicle as they continued the drive towards Nerv.
Since the second Dr. Akagi seen her daughter's hair it was like she didn't want to speak to her, but had to only because she was her child...
I just did it because I thought I'll look better with being blond, She thought as the clouds began to cover up the sun once more, I didn't mean to hurt feelings or anything...
But she felt like she was lying to herself. All she was going to do was just change the color of her hair, but it felt much deeper than that.
It felt like she was driving another wedge between her and her mother.
"Ritsuko," Naoko said suddenly causing the younger woman to snap out of her line of though, "Remember to pick me up at 1 a.m." she said dryly leaving now traces of any goodbyes or see you laters.
"Mother!" The younger of the two called out to the other.
Ritsuko got out of the car and picked up her pace to catch her mother, "I said I'm sorry, I didn't do it because I didn't want to be like you. I just thought it'll look better that's all. If you want me to wash-"
"You shouldn't want to be like me... Do you know where you father is? Do you know why the rest of the family never comes to vist?" The normally calm Naoko asked in rapid sucession not giving her daughter the chance to answer, "You should try to be like yourself Ritsuko, I want to see you have a husband. I want to see you smile some more, I really want you to have all those things."
"Mother..." she said softly, is shocked her to even see her mother act like this, much less say those words.
"It has nothing to do with your hair, I don't mind you being different at all..." She brought her wrist up to look at her watch, "I have to go, I'll talk to you later."
She lied... every parent wants or should want the best for their child, but in spite of that fact she wanted her child to want to be like her.
Anybody could say "I love you" or "You're my hero", but it only counts when it doesn't need to be said, it is only when you can actually feel it that it is a true bond between two people.
But as her mother walked off, Naoko knew that it was likely that she would hear neither one of those simple statements, but it never hurt to hear one.
As Ritsuko entered the car for some reason she noticed that the rainbow disappeared and only dark clouds remained...
It rained later that day.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ritsuko sighed as she sluggishly dragged her body into a sitting position. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, as the insistent dripping of the sink gradually became more and more audible.
She groaned softly. Another replayed memory. The memories keep coming back whenever she closed her eyes, haunting, taunting, cursing her.
Ritsuko blinked a few times, stretching her arms and legs.
She carelessly scratched her head. It must have been two weeks now that her hair went unwashed, and the itching was starting to annoy her. In her frenzied attempts to alleviate the irritation, several clumps of blonde hair came loose in her hands.
Ritsuko stopped, feeling the soft fallen hair, rubbing it between her fingers. She can hardly see it, but she knew the roots must be showing by now.
"Damn you, mother," she cursed bitterly, imagining the tell-tale dark brown hair that must be visible on her head now.
Ritsuko slowly walked to the sink, and turned the water on. She splashed the cold water repeatedly onto her face, letting the shock bring her into full wakefulness.
This time, she didn't bother turning off the tap. It would just drip anyway. Instead she let the water run, the irritating dripping now changed into the smooth babbling of running water.
"Much better," Ritsuko quietly muttered to herself. The incessant torturous sound was replaced with soothing calm. Ritsuko had just outsmarted her mother. Yet again in a long string of successes.
So easily, Ritsuko thought bitterly. So easily outsmarted. An unfortunate trait of the Akagi bloodline that she had inherited.
Ritsuko walked to her cot and sat down, her head lowered, her hands covering her face.
Another memory came to her unbidden.
She remembered the funeral. She remembered standing on beside the cross-shaped headstone. She remembered the way, when everyone, even Misato had left, she had stood there alone.
And she kicked her mother's headstone contemptuously.
Mother thought she was so smart.
Mother thought that sabotaging the Eva would result in having Gendo all to herself.
"This is my definition of happiness, mother," Ritsuko said with a sneer as she kicked another clump of earth at the headstone, not caring that the sticky soft mud clung to her pumps, and seeped through her pantyhose to stain her pale skin.
There was no way Mother could have known that Yui Ikari wasn't the only competition she had for Gendo's heart. Mother worked foolishly on the MAGI - a soulless thing, while Ritsuko worked her way to Gendo through the surest possible means.
Ayanami Rei.