Author's Notes: I'm not dead yet! Just very badly…busy. But since Fred's been the only one of our group pumping chapters out lately, I figured I needed to reassert my existence. *sigh* Another one shot. Don't ask me, it was begging to be written. I merely heeded the call… Mirai Goku POV. Based on a little line from "Dark Shift."
Apparently I'm sick. That's what I hear them whisper in the hallways amongst themselves when they think I'm asleep. That I've got some kind of new virus, that it's a strain never before identified, that it attacks the heart.
That I don't have much time left.
They whisper that a lot, too. Actually, it's not so much a whisper anymore so much as it's a terrified half-cry—that would be Chichi. A whispered statement from her mouth every now and then, not so that I won't hear, but from absolute shock and refusal to accept the fact that…
I'm dying. I'm lying in this far-too-comfortable bed right now, facing the window and watching the sunset—they moved it nearer to the window a few weeks ago after I asked them to. If I was going to be bedridden for a while, I certainly wasn't going to entertain myself watching the paint peel or something like that. Most of the regular visitors are gone by now, and it's just my family and me. Peace and quiet…just like it's been for the past month or so.
It wasn't so bad at first, the pain. I mean, I have felt pain before; I'm no stranger to it by any means. It's a part of my everyday life, and you learn to live with it and deal with it being a martial artist. So when I was trading a few blows with my son that day, and my chest suddenly tightened and I lost my breath, I didn't think anything of it really. Just an after effect of one of Gohan's earlier hits to my stomach. It would happen every now and then, but always it was the same excuse.
Then it started happening when I wasn't training. I'd be walking from a room, then suddenly sink to my knees and grab my chest—completely out of breath and panting like I'd just been sparring with someone like Vegeta…It'd happen in odd little scenes like that, but still I brushed it off—thankfully it never happened in front of anyone else, so I hid it well. Well enough that for nearly a month, no one noticed, except me…
Eventually though it had to happen in front of someone, whether it was Chichi or Gohan or one of the others, someone. And when it did, they didn't want to brush it off like I did. It was straight to bed and no training until this was sorted out. Well, that was over a month ago, and I haven't been out since. Instead of getting better, if anything it's gotten worse. This house-rest is like a death sentence to a Saiyan! And this new diet she's started me on… Soon after that first public breakdown, we started hearing things on the news, either over the radio or television, or through Bulma: a new virus. It was then that they moved the radio from my room, since apparently they didn't want to upset or worry me. As if I needed them to be concerned I might worry about something like that!
I mean, I've faced far deadlier situations than this before—I'm a Super Saiyan for Kami's sake! Radditz, Nappa, Vegeta, Freeza, all of them, I faced them and beat them! Well, Radditz—but that's beside the point! I stood up to them and proved myself the stronger, so why would I so much as tremble at a virus? A cough, a fever, then I'd be back on my feet!
At least, that was my thinking when this all started. Back then I still had some breath, and the attacks didn't come so often as they do now…Right now I'm staring out the window. I think I said that before. Anyway, it's sunset now, and the sky's kind of going all purple and red like it does when the sun sinks into the horizon. It's different every evening—I've noticed that; because that's all I do, stare out the window. That's all I have the energy for now. That and listening. I can listen quite well, and little escapes my sharp ears—of course it helps being an alien.
Heh, you'd think someone like me wouldn't be susceptible to an Earth virus, wouldn't you? Apparently that's far from the truth—I'm supposedly more susceptible, simply because I'm not human. I think Bulma secretly suspects I'm the cause of this new strain…I heard her talking to Krillin a few nights ago, something along the lines of the normal wild-type virus mutating in response to my system, then spreading the new strain to other hosts…I don't really know, I tuned them out and watched the sun setting.
It gets harder every day, not living really—but seeing the others all around me. They're not supposed to see me like this! I'm their "hope, their guiding light, their beacon that'll always be there, charging to the rescue." That's what Krillin said, and it kind of annoys me that he still sees me that way. Back when we first met, he probably would've sooner died than talk about me like that, but I didn't care. Nowadays I've been saving him more than just talking like we used to, and I think it's kind of twisted his view of me. He's a lot more distant lately, though I keep telling myself it's just my imagination and the virus.
I'm supposed to be strong for them, and here I am, too weak to even lift a finger, much less form a proper ki ball. The last time I did that was over three weeks ago, and it sapped me so much I was frankly too scared to try it again while I was still sick. It was so…strange. To have something I've been doing practically all my life suddenly backfire on me… I was…scared…
The others are gone for the night. I think I said that before too, but it all blurs together after a while. Just me and Chichi and Gohan now. I think. I thought I heard Bulma's voice earlier out in the hall, but I was watching the sunset, so I didn't pay it much attention. The others might still be out there too, trying to be quiet and not disturb me. I give it ten minutes before Master Roshi can't control himself and makes a pass at Bulma. After which Vegeta will undoubtedly blow the poor guy through the wall or something, then Chichi will yell at him to be quiet, to which he'll respond in equal tones for her to do the same.
Oh yeah, didn't you know? They had a kid, Bulma and Vegeta. Man, talk about the two most unlikely people getting together… I remember seeing the baby before I got sick, and already I could sense his power inside—definitely Vegeta's kid. He'll grow up and do something great I know, not necessarily for the good of mankind if Vegeta has any say, but definitely something great… I just wish I could be around to see it…
I'll bet all my old enemies down in Hell are all either shouting for joy or boiling with anger. Some are just happy I'll finally be gone, and others will be ticked it wasn't them who got me in the end. All their fine work, shown up by an organism too tiny to be viewed under a microscope. Well, serves them right. If I had to go, at least I can rest assured the Earth's safe when I leave…
So, am I complacent now? Am I fine with leaving? Of course not! I mean…well, who would want to die? The thrill's pretty much gone for me, having gone through it a couple of times already, but…this time it'll be for good if I go. When I go. I need to start saying that, get used to it, it'll be soon. That's what they whisper.
I've said that before also, haven't I? I'm sorry, just let me know if I start to go on about something I've already talked about.
I…I don't think I'm ready for it though, see? There's so much I haven't gotten to do yet, with my family, with my friends—for so long I've had to train to get better, to save the Earth. And always I sacrificed precious time with them for the good of the planet. Logically I knew I had to train, knew what my duty as a Saiyan was: to protect my home. But…it wasn't fair!
I gave up…so much… I think, I think I missed Gohan's first step…but, I can't remember! All I remember from then is how I had to train for Vegeta's arrival. It's kinda funny how I portion off my life in reference to big battles, and not by Gohan's or Chichi's birthdays, or family vacations. I think the only vacation we ever had was when I took Gohan to go meet Master Roshi and the others on his island. But then came Radditz. Another milestone marked by a battle.
Gohan… you've grown so much, son. I remember…no, I don't. But I don't need to remember those times long ago, I only need to look at you, and I know you'll be all right when I go. You'll cry—I know you will. You're so caring and.…you wear your heart on your sleeve for all to see, and I know it's going to be broken one day if you keep it like that, and I won't be there to hold you when that happens…I'm so sorry… I know if I was stronger, if I had tried harder to keep you safe, so that you'd never have had to fight… But you're stronger than me, and you'll smile again, I know it. You will.
Chichi…I'm sorry for leaving again, and it'll be for a while this time, and you can't follow me yet. Don't, whatever you do, not yet. It may be a little presumptuous to even think you might consider that…after all, I haven't exactly been the ideal husband. I put the safety of others over that of those I cared most about, made you worry, made you cry, took away your little boy—for all this I'm sorry. And now I'm abandoning you again, and though death seems like an overused excuse with me, I hope it suffices. I just…I don't think I could bear it if something happened to you…. because of me.
I don't think you've accepted it yet—I don't think I've accepted it yet. Because…because, well, it's just…not right. It seems impossible still, that I could be…
"…Daddy?" a small quavering voice calls me from the doorway, and I turn my head slowly away from the window to look upon my son. His tiny hands are grasping the doorway, as if steadying himself, and the coal black eyes I gave him peer up at me from underneath black smudges of eyebrows. His hair is an unruly mess, like my own, and I'm convinced that no matter where I go in the next life, I would know this was my son if I saw him. I beckon him over, and he drags his feet slowly across the fraying carpet to my bedside.
He wrings his hands, and I can tell they're trembling a bit, and he won't make eye contact with me now as he picks at a few threads freeing themselves from the coverlet. "Gohan?" I prod him. His fists clench, and I know he heard me…
Without any warning, he throws his upper-body forward and latches onto my neck in a fierce hug, as if he feared I might up and leave that very second, and that this might persuade me not to go. After a moment, a tiny sniffle reaches my ears, and something liquid begins to drip onto my back. He heaves and clutches me closer, and I smile gently and embrace him back, just holding him like I used to when he was little.
"Don't go, Daddy…don't go…the others said you were…" He can't form complete sentences, his voice cracks after every few words, and he heaves again, drawing air into his overworked lungs. "…not yet…" Slowly his sobs die away as he mutters every now and then a feeble, "Don't…" or "Daddy…" It is here that I remember why I love him so much in the first place.
Gohan…
"Mom said…she wanted me to go into town tomorrow, to get some groceries…" he whispers in a small voice into my neck, arms still firmly wrapped in place. "…Please, don't go until I get back…"
My eyes grow wide with worry and realization: he knows, he knows and understands… things a child his age shouldn't have to understand. He gives me another frantic squeeze. "Promise me!" his voice breaks, "Daddy! I have to see you…"
I don't want you to see me…not like this…
But something opens my mouth, and out rolls a barely whispered, "I promise…" He pulls away slowly and looks directly into my eyes, as if searching them for the validity of my promise. His eyes, they're so sad, and I feel something tugging at my heart, something that has nothing to do with any virus—guilt. I've caused him so much heartache, and I know when I leave, I'll only be setting him up for more.
This is my legacy. It is all I have left to give. A false promise I can't even guarantee I'll keep.
It's time… I know, I can feel it, in my heart, my mind, throughout my whole body, it's like I'm fading away…they took me from my room…I won't even get to see the sunset one last time…
I'm lying on a pallet in the front room, and everyone's gathered around me: Chichi, Bulma, Master Roshi, Krillin…Gohan's still at the store…
Vegeta's outside right now, I can still sense him—I could never mistake that power of his…He spoke to me this morning. For the first time since Namek, he spoke to me, and even though his voice had the same, rough, sharp, articulate tone it always had… it wasn't the same Vegeta. And the thing is, I don't know what changed him…
"Kakarrot…" I can still hear him spitting my name, but it wasn't like before, more strained and forced this time. "Kakarrot…idiot…always thinking of yourself, never giving a moment's thought to others… you're turning more into me every time I see you…" He smiled; I know he did, even though I wasn't looking at him. We could never be like this face-to-face, that mask of pride he wears wouldn't allow it. So he came in before anyone else was awake, before he even thought I was awake. This is how I knew he was telling the truth.
"We never fought again since that time, you know…with you always off playing the hero, how could we… But just so you know, I plan on taking you up the moment I cross over—and not a minute later… You'll do well to start training…"
Even he seems to have accepted that it's almost over…they all seem to have, except Gohan…and me.
Argh! My chest clenches again, and I feel certain that none can know the agony ripping me in two. A heaving cough attacks me, and I thrust my stomach upwards towards the ceiling, arching my back nearly in half. Chichi cries out in horror and throws her body across my chest, yelling for me all the while, "Goku, Goku—no!" A few of the others crowd around and try and help, and eventually the coughing subsides and the pain in my chest lessens…the attacks are coming more frequently, less than a half-hour since the previous one…and I fear the next might be the last…it will cut me in two.
Chichi's breathing has quickened in fear, and out of nervous habit she wipes my head with a cool cloth, though my fever disappeared weeks ago. I suppose it puts her at ease to know she's trying.
I'm trying too! I am! I…I don't want to go yet! To die in battle, valiantly defending my loved ones; that is how I should go! Not to just abandon them to the elements of fate, to let time wander on without me… I'm supposed to be here protecting them, because I'm the only one who can…
I'm the strongest in the universe…aren't I?
No, I have never been the strongest, for my source of strength always lay in them. Chichi, Gohan, Krillin, Bulma, even Vegeta…all my friends and family, they gave it to me. And without them, there would have been no me; yet they can still go on, and I will pass away, leaving them one last time, hoping and praying it hasn't been for nothing.
It looks like all my strength, my Saiyan heritage, Super Saiyan, ki…was never enough to save me, only them. My own strength…was never really my own. I was…a conduit. Yes, that's right, I think. A conduit, a vessel for their energy and power. And now they will have to use that strength themselves because…
I'm…dying…
Goku…Goku…you'll be joining us soon, won't you Goku?
Who is that? Who's calling me? Is it…a Kai?
Come now, Goku…It's not so bad here, we've got a special place for you, for a man of your strength…
But I'm not strong! I'm not! I've never been strong! Someone strong wouldn't have had to leave their family! Someone strong wouldn't have had to cause them so much pain and sadness! Someone strong would stay with them and protect them, because that's what strong people do! They help, they save, they love! And I…I'm abandoning them again! So how can you call me strong, when I am nothing but a weak shell, wracked with pain and fever and a virus that's sapping my life from me?! How?!
I want…to live…I don't want to go—you say it's nice there, but they aren't there! And I want to be with them, because I wasted all the time I was given even though it was all for them. Wasted it. What good is time if I can't use it? It—it's not fair!
What is fair, then, Goku? You have been given power beyond imagination, were appointed savior of your planet. How you used the time was entirely up to you…
No…no, it was never up to me. What were my choices, huh? Fight—and never see my family. Keep them safe, but never feel their love. Protect them, but never know them. What kind of a life is that? And the alternative? Enjoy a fleeting moment of happiness before it and all the times thereafter are shattered by a single blow from an enemy I wasn't prepared to fight. Sacrifice the joy of all for my own?
Then what would you have be done?
I…I don't know.
I just know it's not fair.
Little is, Son Goku. Little is.
Is it time now?
It is time now.
I'm not…ready yet…Gohan isn't back yet.
Gohan will understand.
Will he? Now?
No, I'm sorry Goku. Not now. But he will understand one day. Now come…most powerful fighter.
But I'm not…I'm not…
Yes you are, just ask them.
Is it time now?
Post-Angst Notes: Well? I figured that would put me back on track. Chapter four of "You Can Never Go Back" is almost done, and I'm about a quarter through chapter fifteen of "It's a Start." A big "GOMEN!" goes out to all my readers; I started college a month ago and it's really been putting me through the ringer. But here I am, marking my triumphant return to fanfiction with this angsty little one-shot I REALLY should've put out a month ago. I actually had this thing halfway done as I was packing to come down here, and completely forgot about it! ^_^;; Many thanks to Fred for the pre-read! (HAHA Mike! You missed it 'cause you weren't online!)—sage