Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! belongs to Kazuki Takahashi.
Mmm...I'm tired. You two wore me out again.
I hate that.
I hate the way I can think like that. I don't mean to, but it just...happened, one day. I finally realized I don't care about either of you.
I used to, though. I hate that I changed.
But...I hate a lot of things about this 'arrangement.' So I guess this is nothing new.
I'm not sure why this happened in the first place. Something just went wrong, I guess. Very, very wrong. Or maybe everything went exactly the way it was going to, and I just didn't realize that these would be the consequences.
I hate being stupid. I hate the fact that I ruined all our lives and I just don't care any more.
I hate lying between you two. There's so much animosity in this bed, it chokes me. But I can't move. If I did, I think you two would kill each other. And while I don't care about the either of you, I like what you do to me. Most of the time. So I stay in the middle and wish that something would change and I could stop smothering in all this anger.
I hate that.
I hate the fact that you don't understand, Tristan. The way you believe it'll be better once he's gone. Don't you get that you're hating me when you hate him?
I don't know why he's a part of me--we're so different it's insane--but he is and you can't change that without hurting me very, very much. More than anything you think he's done to me.
You know, he never really did much to me before. No more than what served his plans, like stabbing me in the arm so Malik could get a way into our group. Mostly he just locked me up. But now....
It's like, because I decided to get close to you, he has to mark me. Subtly, because he can tell I'm so sick and tired of stopping you two's fights. He'll dig his hands into me, pressing just hard enough that his nails dent my skin. It only hurts while he's doing it, and they fade a few minutes later. You don't notice, so you two don't fight, but his point is made.
I still hate it, though. I hate feeling like I'm being claimed. I hate that he owns me, and that you want to.
I was thinking things like this when I realized that I don't care about either of you any more. I'm just using you to feel good.
And that's okay. I hate that I've changed, but not what I've changed into. If the both of you want to own me, and I just use you, no one gets hurt, right?
Right. Wrong. I don't remember anymore.
I think what I hate most about having changed is that I remember you used to be worth it. The dents in my skin and his sudden, newest intrusion into my life used to be bearable, because I liked you so much, Tristan. And now....
Now, I guess I hate you. I hate something about this, after all, and I don't care enough to hate myself for very long.
And I don't hate him. I know you do, but...I don't. I can't. After all, sometimes I think he wants to be here even less than I do. You wouldn't believe it, but it's true.
Sometimes, when you're lying on the other side and trying to get your breath back, I can catch a glimpse of his face if he doesn't lean down far enough. I know you can't--his hair hangs down and covers both our faces--but sometimes he looks so...angry. Not his usual anger; he looks almost helpless. Like there's nothing he can do to change whatever it is making him angry.
I hate seeing that look on his face. It's scary. He's not supposed to look like that.
I hate that we have the ability to do that to him. It's just...wrong.
You'd probably be happy about that.
I tense up, jerked out of my thoughts, as soon as I feel hands pulling me away from the middle. "It's me, Ryou," you say lowly.
I know.
I smile anyway, and stretch so your arms aren't clutching at me as much. Like I said, I've gotten very good at covering my unhappiness. I started hiding because I didn't want you to be sad, but now...now I just do it by rote. You don't notice. He doesn't care.
He suddenly runs a hand down my back, making me jolt in surprise, and your arms tighten around me. I feel like I can't breathe. Maybe it's not your fault, but still...I hate this.
I hate what I've become.