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MEMORIES OF AN ANONYMOUS CHILD:
Chapter Two:
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I'm not supposed to talk to them like this, but I can't help it. Something finally occurred to me last night. Why do I insist on following protocol when no one is around to enforce it? No one even asked it of me. So, I now formally declare myself exempt. I'm dealing with special patients, therefore I am a special case.
I go to the room which Duo and Quatre share. They are both awake, and one of the nurses has just handed them their plates. Breakfast is a welcome, and yet scary time. Mostly the eggs don't look like eggs, and the rest? Well, I can't even tell what else they serve with those eggs.
Duo is chattering happily as I look through Quatre's chart to see how he is maintaining. Quatre is my special case. He was diagnosed as delusional, claiming that his Space Heart kept telling him things. Of course, if his Space Heart predicts one more thing accurately I'm just going to release him, because whether or not it is his strange connection to the universe, or whether he is delusional, the boy has an uncanny sixth sense. In fact, Quatre is practically cured, but I can't get him to leave. Not when the others are still here.
I smile and tune in to what Duo is saying.
"Man! That was some thunder, too!"
"Couldn't sleep?" I ask, finding him highly amusing today. He is, at least, sounding more alive than usual. That is a good sign.
"Naw. But it was great to listen to the storm, though." And I see it, the chance I need.
"Next time you want to listen to the storm, stay in your own room." I say it offhandedly, not wanting to threaten him. But he gets it, just stops talking and looks at me. And Quatre? Why, Quatre proves that he was entirely unaware of his friend's escapade by looking open-mouthed at his roommate.
I leave after checking Duo's chart.
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It has always felt strange to me, to sit with them and talk. It felt as if I were an outsider, trying to insinuate myself into some complex relationship. Of course, this was obviously true. These boys have shared experiences, risked their lives for each other, went beyond the grave and came back again. How can I, someone who was barely affected by the war, understand fully what they do.
Yet that is precisely what I must do. I don't hold it against them that, sometimes, they can't stand the system, but I hate the feeling that, while I talk to each one, they are really just humoring me. That is the fear I have with the S.O.L. That it is allowing me to maintain a distance with my greatest fear, and deepest desire.
Duo is terrible when it comes to the strange knowing smiles. He learns more about me in one session than I can tell about him. And yet, during one of his earlier sessions, he spoke about Heero Yuy, and said that he was scary when it came to reading people. He went on to tell me about instances where Heero had displayed his keen perceptions. Like when they had gone to a bar and he could tell, just by the way a man held a glass, that that man was working for OZ, that he was a spy. About how he could twist a conversation away from an issue he did not want to discuss without your even realizing it.
So I know, in the back of my head, that the S.O.L. can do something for Heero that I cannot. It can speak directly through all of that. All his barriers, all his defenses have dropped, naturally, in sleep, and the S.O.L. can whisper past them, and speak directly to the issue without being blocked. That is something I do not think I would be able to do. So I both fear and eagerly await the day when I speak directly to Heero Yuy, look him in the eye and face the ultimate test.
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Session 327: Subject: Heero Yuy
Report: Subject shows substantial tolerance and response to the S.O.L. though subject remains comatose and otherwise unresponsive. Recommend further use of the S.O.L. until subject awakes or demonstrates an acceptable level of progress.
The following is the transcript of session 327. Omitted is the standard primary interaction interval, this may be found in the Pentam Box.
...
What do you trust?
Myself. My emotions, my heart.
Has your heart ever led you astray?
No.
What is it that you cling to?
....
What is it that you fear?
....
Why are you not answering?
... ...
ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR
...
Report: Subject experienced difficulties during session with the S.O.L. It is not clear wether this was a reaction to the S.O.L. or if this was merely a physical error. Subject has been placed under intense supervision, no prior responses of this nature have been experienced.
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Session: 341 Subject: Duo Maxwell
...
"How did it happen?"
"How did what happen?" He looks at me with serious eyes. This must be the first time I've seen him like this. No, the second. Both times were in response to Him. He doesn't want to play the game, wants only a serious answer. So I give him what he wants.
"We don't know."
"Of course."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it's only natural for you not to have a fucking clue as to what's wrong. I mean it's only natural that you poke and prod and can't figure out what you're touching because you won't use you fucking fingers, you use a fucking machine! Because you can't relate to us! We're not human to you! I mean it's only fucking natural that you won't even try to understand, because that would mean you'd have to get dirty, and God forbid you get dirty trying to help the needy!"
He's out of his chair in a moment. Out of his chair and pacing back and forth by the window. He's been tonguing his meds, it shows. His jerky movements, his intense mood swings...the clarity. The clarity even through the chaos.
"Duo..." But he won't listen. He never listens. "Duo what do you want me to do." I mean it. Whatever he asks I'll try my best. Because I'm as sick of it as he is. And he hears it in my voice, I knew he would. And he stops and looks at me. And, because he is who he is, and would never exploit a person when they are in a place like this, makes his request.
"I want to see him." And it's that simple. For him. It's black and white. And why shouldn't it be? Why should there ever be red-tape? Because of fear? Especially around them.
Uncontrollable, unpredictable, ... human ...
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It takes two days for me to figure it out. Two days and he's still waiting there, arms crossed, propped against the bed. He won't eat, won't speak, not until I grant him what I promised. He knows as soon as I walk in there. And he doesn't say a word, just stands up and nods once. I hate that the trust isn't there. I hate that there is a wall that I can't get around. Quatre was easy. He let me in. Trowa, and Wufei too. They let me in because I could figure them out. Here, there is complexity beyond complexity.
We walk down the hall and it feels like ages. He usually looks out the window, at the trees and grass that are right there because we are underground with windows right by the ceiling. If you open a window when it rains, you get flooded. He just walks, now. Looking straight ahead, so serious. And I can't, for the life of me, figure out what he is thinking. We round the corner and he presses against the glass, looking in, hands pressed to the glass on either side of his head. I stand aside, wanting to observe as much as I can. Learn as much as I can.
He stands there, breathing in gasps and just staring, and then he turns to me, eyes moist for the first time and he says, in disbelief "Can I go in?" And when I nod, I've never seen such a glow, such an appreciative look. And he opens the door as if he's looking in on a sleeping child. I close the door behind us, staying there as supervision, just in case something happens. He just sits on the bed and gently touches the cool hand. The same way I have touched that hand. And I think, we're not too much different from one-another. Him and I.
And then I hear it.
The beep beep picking up pace. And I suddenly understand absolutely what was happening with the S.O.L.
He was waking up.
He was trying to wake-up but the S.O.L. induces artificial sleep on top of present unconsciousness so as to avoid harm. And that was what happened when he tried to wake-up. But here, now, there was nothing stopping him.
I press the buzzer, calling for assistance, he's going to need it. And all the while, Duo's sitting there, smiling as if he knew it all along. As if it was because of him that Heero is opening his eyes.
A rush of white coats floods in from the door, Duo, still smiling, is escorted back to the room. And I'm still staring. I stare for the entire time it takes them to run their checks on him. As long as it takes for them to see what is happening. Because I am caught, for the first time in a long time, in perfect prussian pools.
And there is no escape from that.
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Session: 349 Subject: Chang Wufei
...
"He's blind?" I nod.
"It's only temporary. He should recover his sight." Unreadable black blinks at me, one slender eyebrow rising.
"Should." He's caught me.
"It is hard to tell in a situation like this. He won't speak."
"Has anyone seen him?"
"We brought the doctors in. They are running tests." He chuckles, amused at my stupidity.
"I mean Quatre, Duo, Trowa...Has anyone seen him? Anyone that would mean something to him?" I shake my head, trying to understand where this is going. This makes Wufei laugh.
"Well of course you can't find the problem, then. None of you are looking. I mean you putter around but no one is really thinking. Ch' baka yaro..." It strikes me. Ab hour long talk and that is what strikes me...He called me an idiot. I'm an idiot...
"What do you mean?" He shakes his head. He's disgusted with me.
"Stupid woman. It's not even worth explaining to you. You're the doctor, you figure it out."
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Quatre smiles at me when I enter. I don't see him anymore, he's been released, formally. He won't leave, but that's another matter. I miss him, the way he seems to tune so easily into me, sensing my questions, understanding my needs before I give voice to them. He should have been counseling me. He asks how I am doing and I look out the window. "You just met with Wufei, ne?" I smile.
"Yes. How are you holding up?" He shrugs.
"Well. But you don't need to ask me that anymore, remember?" I nod, we both have an unspoken understanding of each other.
"He said I should have one of you visit Heero." Quatre's smile turns secretive, as if there was something I was missing. "Why would he say that?" He chuckles out loud, and I love the sound, it's good to hear.
"Heero's a character ... Do you know, the first time Duo met him, he thought Heero was the enemy? Shot him in the leg. When he was taken to the hospital, he was put under heavy surveillance, but the monitors showed that he was unconscious. That was it ..."
"Quatre ..."
"Duo regretted it. Couldn't stop thinking about him." He chuckles and I have the feeling that I've just missed something else. "He went into the hospital ready to break Heero out. You know what he found?" I shake my head. Duo never spoke to me about his memories involving the others. He smiles at this, as if he is about to hand me the key. "He found Heero already trying to escape." It takes a moment, probably because I want to discount their training. I'm not used to being manipulated as easily as I manipulate.
"Are you saying Heero was never in a coma?" Quatre shakes his head, forever patient.
"He was in a coma. But, if there is a question you don't have an answer to, rephrase the question..."
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TBC
Jessenia: Please respond! I really need comments and support on this one!!! I'd be so incredibly grateful!! Take as long or as short as you want!! More is coming!