It's Not Easy To Be Me
Author: Jagged Love (Kesha)
Summary: Max thinks about the mistakes he's made
Disclaimer: Roswell does not belong to me.
Distribution: Ask me first.
Feedback: Please? I want to know what you think.
Author's Note: The song used is Superman by the group Five For Fighting. I heard this song in the car one day and immediately thought of Max. If you listen to the lyrics you'll know that it fits him perfectly.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
My life has been nothing but a huge disappointment to the people that I love. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried or how much effort I put into my every action, I still managed to fail at what mattered to them the most. My incompetence has been the cause of so much mistrust, confusion, and pain within our group.
I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Through out my time on Earth I placed so much faith in the power of love. I thought that with love anything was possible. I believed that if you found that one true person that was meant for you then you could achieve whatever you wanted. Your life would be filled with no worries because that person was by your side.
I was wrong.
Or maybe I was wrong in thinking that I had found that person. Maybe I placed my love in the wrong hands.
I was so blinded by love that I failed to see the others around me. I didn't listen to their problems. I didn't hear their concerns. I didn't understand their feelings. And it was all because my head was shoved to far up love's ass.
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
Finding my way home to a people that abandoned us was never top on my list of priorities. All I really cared about was fitting in with the people that took us in. Why should I care about where we came from and how to get back there? I wanted what was in front of me. I wanted what was around me. I didn't want the past. The future was where I wanted to be.
I was a fool to think that way. Just another stupid mistake I made.
The others couldn't understand it. They couldn't, wouldn't think like that. They wanted to go home. They wanted to embrace the past and there I was standing in their way. I was supposed to be the strong one for them, their leader. But I refused to look to our past and for that reason they saw me as a weakling. A weak link in their path to our past.
It may sound absurd… but don't be naïve
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed… but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
I wanted to correct my mistakes. I wanted to get them to trust me again. The only way I saw how to go about it was to be like they wanted me to be. I wasn't the leader that they wanted me to be and because of that a really great person was killed.
I refused to allow anyone else to die because of me. Even though they all hated me I was still their leader. I had a job to do and I was not about to fail. It was my fault we got into this situation. Therefore I was the only one who would be able to bring us out. I was the only one who could do it. I… I… I… was an ass to believe in that statement.
Thinking like that was the last mistake I made.
Up, up, and away… away from me
It's all right… You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy… or anything…
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees
His eyes briefly touched the faces surrounding him and finally settled on the girl cradling him in her arms.
"Why does everyone look so sad? It's not the end of the world. Is it?"
"Shh Max. Don't try to talk. You need to conserve your strength."
"What for? I feel fine." He tried to sit up only to fall back down in pain. "God! What's wrong with me? Why am I so weak?"
"Max don't you remember anything?" Asked Maria.
"Yeah don't you remember going after Khivar like an idiot?"
Maria glared at Michael. "Michael, shut up. You're not helping."
Max was shaking his head weakly. "I feel so tired. All I can remember is arguing with Michael and Isabel but that's nothing new."
"That was two days ago Max. You stormed out of the house and we hadn't seen you since then." Isabel explained. "We got a call from you this morning telling us to meet you here. When we got here we found Khivar about to finish you off. But somehow you managed to kill him and then you passed out. We healed you and we've been waiting for the past six hours for you to wake up."
Max groaned in pain all of a sudden he clutched tighter to Maria who was still holding him in her arms. "Something is wrong. I can barely see you guys. I'm so weak." He laid his head down on Maria's shoulder. "I just need to close my eyes and sleep. Sleep is what I need."
Liz began to panic. "He's not supposed to be this weak you guys. What's wrong? Find out what's wrong."
"I don't know what's wrong Liz." Isabel shouted at her. "We've healed all the wounds we found."
Max buried his face in Maria's shoulder. Agonizing pain was spiraling through his head. "My head hurts so much. Please, make it stop. Make it stop."
Tears of pain streamed down his face, soaking his cheeks as well as Maria's clothes. Maria felt tears of her own flowing down her face. She gently massaged Max's temple trying to ease the pain in his head.
"Shh! Max, it's going to be all right. Tell me what to do to make it better for you Max."
He looked up into her eyes. He knew nothing she did would make the pain go away. He was dying… and there was nothing any of them could do to make it stop. If it had been one of them in that situation he would have been able to heal them but none of their healing powers matched his. Even if they combined their powers they still would be able to match his.
"Sing to me. You know that song I like? Just sing my favorite part. That's all I want."
Maria cried out in frustration. "Max how can that ease your pain?"
He smiled at her. "You have the voice of an angel. Your voice can ease any pain ever created. Please sing for me."
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a dream in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
He placed his finger gently against her lips stopping the words that flowed from them. "You've been a wonderful friend to me, Maria. And I thank you for that. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not important. When I'm gone know that a part of me will always be with you."
"Max you're not going anywhere." She denied.
He shook his head. "Please, Maria, you know the truth. Don't spoil this moment with denial. I love you… Girlfriend."
She hugged him tightly before pulling away to reply. "I love you too, Girlfriend."
Max turned to face the others. They all stared at him with sympathy and some pity in their eyes. What he didn't see was forgiveness. They didn't care that it was his last minutes on earth they still refused to forgive him for his mistakes.
He realized at that moment that no matter what he did they would never accept the choices he made. He now knew that his only mistake in life was to try to be what they wanted him to be, King Max. He could never be King Max because that was his past and the past was something that he never wanted to repeat. And by him trying to conform to their way repeating the past is exactly what he did.
Max clutched tightly to Maria's hand as another sharp agonizing pain shot through his head. He sighed in relief once it passed and finally spoke to the others. "Isabel, Michael, and even you Liz, I tried to be the king that you all wanted me to be but I know that in your eyes I failed at that task miserably. Well… all I can say now is that when I die Michael will take my place as your king and when he does maybe you will all finally realize that…"
Before he could finish his sentence another pain hit and when it was over so was the life of Max Evans.
In that moment Maria received what felt like a bolt of electricity shooting through her body. Her eyes closed for a few moments then she opened them back up and looked down upon the body of her dearest friend. She looked back at the others and opened her mouth to speak.
The words from Max's song began to flow from her lips…
I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite o this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
It's not easy to be me…
THE END