Chapter One: Too Much to Tell
Hey, it's me…the one an' only Joey Wheeler here. Shut ya traps and quit ya moanin', 'cuz I'm not the so-called idiot everyone thinks I am. That's right, I've got a newsflash for ya…I'm an intelligent human bein' with a heart and soul that should be talked about for its greatness once in a while. That's right, ya Kaiba worshippin', Duke cuddlin' freaks, I'm smart. Got that? Lemme spell it out for ya if ya didn't catch that: S-M-A-T. Oops, What I meant ta say was, S-M-A-R-T. No quirky comments on that lil' mishap there. Just a slip o' th' tongue. Anyhoo, I'm not askin' for ya to feed my ego or anythin', but I would like ya to understand more about me and my life before ya pass any judgments on me. Is that so hard to do? If it is, stop reading this and go find a girlie mag to skim. Though it's none of my business what ya do in your spare time, I just want ya to know this: the pics in the porn shows are beautiful, but don't expect the babes to reach out of the T.V. set and help ya masturbate. 'Nuff said.
I have a ton a homework t'night, and I don't wanna do a damn bit of it. Yeah, I'm lazy, I'll admit to that much of it. Yug's not home right now, so that scratches my idea of copyin' his chemistry stuff. Oh, well…it's not like one more zero's gonna hurt my already failin' average in that subject. Anyways, I'll just make up for the bad grade on my next test. I may never turn in my assignments the followin' mornin', but I always score high enough on the exams to cover my ass. Never fails. So, at least I've narrowed down my homework load a little: I've got some algebra equations, English vocab, questions in history ta answer, and even some elective junk that I don't remember the directions for. Pushin' away the towerin' stack of textbooks, I sighed.
"Man, this is one time I regret sleepin' in class so much."
Behind me, the clock in the room struck midnight. Its bells chimed the late hour, echoin' in my head like some loser tryin' ta get attention. . Pressin' a hand to my head, I gritted my teeth.
"If that thing rings any louder, I'll be goin' ta sleep on a coupla bottles a Tylenol and Vodka." I grumbled, cursin' the heap a scrap metal for botherin' the shit outta me.
There was no use in tryin' ta leave the place I was at, since Bakura shoved me in here and bolted the door shut when he left. This was his gentle way a tellin' me that I should be studyin' more often instead a blowin' all my hard earned cash at the arcade. Very thoughtful, I'll give him that much. Ryou also knows that my worst nightmare is bein' trapped inside a cell with a pile a homework starin' me in the face. So, it's his loss if I go insane and trash the lot. That'll be after burnin' my books and papers, a'course.
Again with the damned outta tune janglin', bangin' inside my head like Santa Claus tryin' his hand at rock music. Just try an' picture that one: Big Red himself gettin' down with Rudolph and Blitzen and all the other whatever-the-hell-they-wanna-call-themselves, flashin' a guitar while singin' some drugged out version of "Jingle Bells." Kinda creepy, huh? That just goes ta show ya what happens when I'm bein' deprived of sleep, candy, video games, and my good ole stress release, Playboy.
"An' I'm gonna start with settin' that freakin' thing on fire if it doesn't shut up!" I yelled, clutchin' my ears with angry fists.
Almost as if the wooden thing wanted to test my temper, it continued to clang away in its cold, boring rhythm. Pissed and hungry, I balled my hands into small tight balls. I could feel my nails scratchin' my skin, but it didn't hurt enough for me to notice. The old timepiece was the only item Ryou had to remember his mother by, but the stupid object was really wearin' on my nerves. 'Sides, that's what he gets for cagin' me up like this.
Givin' a final warnin' to th' bangin' rubble of BedRock, I snarled, "Cut it out, or you'll get a piece a me ya never wanted!"
Just as I was about to unleash a can of whoop ass, my hand knocked over somethin' on a nearby tabletop. Fallin' to the carpet with a soft thud, the object stared at me with fancy letters.
Takin' in the features of the front cover, I read the hardback's title. "Magic for Magicians of the New Millennia. Weird, I didn't expect to find somethin' like this in here. What's it got in it?"
Without thinkin', I snatched the text off the floor, openin' it to the first page. Inside, I saw lists of spells for all kinds a stuff: chants for helpin' out sick friends, lil' sayin's for every part a the day , even a buncha recipes for sachets and tinctures. Whatever the hell those were, I had no fuckin' clue.
"Ooohh, a money charm…" I recited as my eyes opened like dinner plates, "that'd come in handy for buyin' that new Mustang I saw bein' advertised on the news. I got the juniper leaves, dried cloves, and chamomile leaves, but what'm I supposed to do for dragon's blood and hell bane?" Forcing out a frustrated sigh, I kept thumbing through the book. "This sucks…I have to kiss a sports car bye-bye just 'cuz I can't come up with some dead parts of a plant. Geez, can't a poor guy get a break here?!"
Pictures of creepy animals, funny lookin'rocks, and weird items used for conjurin' flashed before my eyes as I searched for somethin' useful to glance at. There were minerals used for exorcisms, songs written to raise the dead, and even poems and laws that stated the true nature of a magician.
"Lessee… 'Bide the Wiccan laws we must in perfect love and perfect trust.'" I said aloud, scannin' the verses of an age old document. "Hey, cool, that rhymes! I never thought that Ryou would have somethin' this awesome in his grasp! I mean, who woulda ever believed that the little scholar was a buddin' witch?" Realizin' the depth of my words, I nearly dropped the mysterious text I held. "Whoa, whoa, whoa…did I just hear myself correctly?! Bakura?! Some kinda warlock of sorts?!" Doubtin' my own sixth sense gnawin' on the insides of my stomach, I shook off the uneasy feelin' with a shake of my head. "Nah, I gotta be kiddin' myself. He's way too practical for this stuff. Who knows, this might be one of his parent's books. He hardly comes in this room anyways."
Suddenly a wild idea popped into my mind, replacin' my thoughts about associatin' my friend with the magical writing.
"Hmm…almost every one a these books has a chapter or two on that topic--"
Quickly fannin' through the mass of prayers, info on herbs and spices, and ingredients for first-year kiddies of the Craft, I arrived at my one and only point of interest in the entire book.
Jumpin' up from my position on the floor, I exclaimed with delight, "Awright, bulls-eye! This is just what the doctah ordered: Dr. Love, that is!" Stiflin' a hentai giggle, I examined the many formulas for acquirin' a "romantic date." "C'mon, bring a sexy love spell ta daddy…"
While turnin' the worn pieces of paper back and forth, a folded up note fell into my lap. Pausin' in my quest to draw a string bikini babe (or two) into my life, I peered down at the folded sheet. I cocked my head to the side, debatin' with myself about openin' the letter-like object.
/What if it's a personal item of Bakura's? / I wondered, seriously evaluatin' the situation before me. /Then again, what if it's the perfect instructions on how to meet my soul mate or somethin'? Aw, I'll feel really guilty about readin' somethin' that turns out to be a secret of Ryou's! Then again, if I don't open the note and I never see what it says, I could be passin' up the opportunity of a lifetime! /Feelin' a terrible throbbin' sensation by my temples, I thought, /To read or not to read…what do I do?! /
Grabbin' handfuls of my blond hair, I finally decided to give in to my impulsive nature.
"Gah, I'm just gonna go ahead and read the dumb letter! It's not like he has personal writing in here, since this library's always open to all of his pals."
Thoroughly convinced that my actions weren't invadin' my friend's privacy, I practically tore open the note. I was immediately greeted by gently formed brushstrokes, handwritin' that I would literally kill for. Neat words of his were scrawled across the center of the page, their layout just like the other hexes and charms I saw before. Scannin' the kanji symbols he wrote, my mouth dropped open so wide that I could catch a horde of flies with my gapin' pie hole.
"Oh, my God…" I breathed, totally amazed by what I saw. "Not only does this prove that Ryou's a practicin' warlock, but this here procedure is a love spell…and I just so happen to be the one he wants to work it on…"