Disclaimer: see first chapter.

Warnings: Trowa POV, angst, language, run-onsentences, 4+3, (implied 4x3)

Notes: those aren't spelling mistakes (I hope!) I'm English!

Ask yourself the Question

Wufei, I felt I understood, in his reasoning, in his manner at least. And we became friends; towards the end of the war, Peacemillion was when it began I suppose. It grew from camaraderie, after the war ended, into a more solid, mutual acceptance and respect that went beyond the acknowledgement of our skill in piloting or our bravery in battle. I still remember telling him that I had feelings for Quatre, and I was more than a little nervous for fear of his reaction. Though my trepidation proved unfounded, I was more afraid than I've been of many things. I have few friends and those I care to keep, I value above any other tangible possession and hold in reverence.

The one thing I can easily draw to mind that I have been more afraid of, is Quatre's reaction to our separation. I feared his opinion of me after that approaching, inevitable climax. I suppose initially that I feared he would hate me, or I would hurt him, but now my anxieties tend towards how it may hurt me. This convoluted and oppressive affair has made me realise how much I care about me, if it has achieved nothing else. It will accomplish nothing beneficial, of that I have no doubt. Or rather I had no doubt. Now I'm not so sure. I saw Wufei yesterday, and he gave me a new perspective on things, one I didn't realise I hadn't taken into account until it was presented to me in that direct, unapologetic way of his. Something about him I admire, and am so very thankful for, is that fact that I know he shows me the real him, the whole time.

Wufei is as he appears. Don't get me wrong, he has many layers and facets, he is an amazing mind and warrior. But he is true to himself in that, even when he is lost; and he has been lost, frighteningly so on occasion, he will not hide behind pretence. He is someone I can feel truly comfortable with because, with him as himself, I can be myself, also. I think that Wufei is perhaps the only person who knows the real me. Not even Quatre knows me. Oh, he's seen brief flashes, but I'm never as open nor as free with him as I can be in front of Wufei. Is that wrong? I'm beginning to think it is very much so. Chang has no expectations of me, demands no niceties of expression or tiptoeing around subjects. With Quatre, though I've come close at times (and when I have been truly happy I have shown a glimpse of naked expression), I still cannot tell him my most inner thoughts, my true emotions and opinions. And this is but one part of the fog that has consumed our relationship and has assured that we will not last without change. Of course, as Wufei made me see yesterday, maybe that's not such a problem.

That morning I sat in my apartment and, as is more and more frequently the case, I mulled over the events of the night before. Quatre had come over, and had his usual cheerful mask on while we had dinner and watched a strange movie about basketball team. More my thing than his, something his sister had recommended I think, though I have no idea which sister. Then he led me to my room, and we held each other, and he ran his fingers through my hair. I love that sensation, it's so soothing, on the edge of tickling, but not unpleasantly so. I felt a little guilty of taking too much pleasure in such things, being someone who doesn't really want this relationship anymore.

We had agreed, after I had almost left him, three months ago, that we would continue our relationship, but that we would hold back on the physical side until I was more comfortable again. Not that I felt I would get "more comfortable". It was idiotic and not what I wanted. Of course I liked the physical stuff, Quatre is good, very good at all that. I've spent a lot of time in my bedroom alone since then. The frustration didn't help, but what else could I do, the feeling guilty was really not a turn-on, being together physically was such a paradox of emotions. And at first he tried, and I could forgive occasional slips of his hand to my crotch as he was getting used to this new restraint I had imposed. But he's still "getting used to it" now, and the excuse is wearing thin. So when he did it last night, rather than forgive him, I move his hand away and relaxed my embrace of his waist, letting him know my displeasure without open, verbal chastisement.

But whether this would help in the end or just make things worse, I couldn't tell. I had to check myself to not yell and break up with him there and then, a sudden surge of anger went through me so strongly. My frostiness from there on in got to him, he can read that, even though I've been told that me displeased doesn't look much different from me sad, or me normally, or me bored. So he's not heartless or insensitive, most of the time. I should probably make it clear that he can be a wonderfully caring and attentive person. I wouldn't put myself through this for some one I didn't consider important and special to me, that's what makes it all the worse when he's so blind, hopeless and generally irritating!

Which made it the third time this week that I'd thought of ending things once and for all. The entire situation was progressing nowhere fast, which leads me back to my discussion with Wufei. We sat in my living room, as we generally do, bedrooms like mine are not for friends, they are for me to prove that the floor is much more functional a storage area than a closet. There, I can bask in the luxury of having more than a tiny compartment in my mecha in which to store my possessions. And it seemed less teenaged to sit and talk in the living room. Taking a sip of his lemon green tea, having heard all my own musings and self-directed questions on the subject, Wufei had one of his own to ask me.

"Are you really that weak, Barton?" Wufei's tone held a scornful edge and put me on the defensive. The phrasing harked back to ours days as soldiers, but I knew this was only used to make his point that bit more obvious.

"I don't know, maybe I am, maybe I don't want to hurt him, and maybe I don't want to have him hate me. I couldn't stand that, Wufei." I felt my chest tighten as I tried to get my head around everything. But my fear of loosing Quatre completely clouded my thoughts as usual, and I couldn't find a logical, detached perspective. So Wufei provided one for me.

"You cannot be a selfless creature, Barton, you are all too human for that." I glared at him, but he knew my heart wasn't in it. He continued. "I imagine that you have not considered the possibility that it may make you happier to break up with him. You've been moping and depressed for months. Yes, you will hurt him. He almost certainly does love you. But he will get over it, and hopefully get over himself while he's at it!" He sounded exasperated and I wondered if Quatre had talked to him too. I felt guilty all of a sudden for putting him in the middle, he didn't need to listen to my problems.

Wufei knows me too well.

"I have been talking to Duo, who has been on the receiving end of Quatre's thoughts on the current situation. If you won't talk to me Barton, I will drag it out of you or I will tell Quatre exactly how you feel, as you should have a long time ago!" He was annoyed at me for that mistake, my backing down, I knew. But we were dealing with the repercussions now, there was no point in wishing I'd been more firm in my initial attempt to break up with Quatre. It seemed so pathetic when I put it like that, but this was my first serious relationship. I was so scared of hurting the both of us, and I desperately didn't want him to hate me. That may be what I fear the most. It was so much easier to be Nanashi, simply existing as no-one to anybody. That way they didn't hate me because I didn't matter enough to them. But to have mattered to someone enough that I could incite hatred... that was a frightening prospect.

But he irritated me so much sometimes, and was then so needy about it. Even when he realised he had pissed me off, he had to go and demand more of me; whining on about how terrible he was and how could I love him? So I had to tell him it was okay, when it wasn't, and I couldn't stand it! Which was why I was seeing Wufei, because not only would he talk to me, but also he wouldn't stay too long. I could have some time to myself. I was beginning to feel so claustrophobic around Quatre that his every little flaw was getting on my nerves. I ended up scrutinising his every movement for something that would irritate me and, nine times out of ten, I found it. I'd asked for privacy for the previous three days and each day he had invented some excuse to come around.

I got the impression he had sensed that things were not peachy and was going into clingy overdrive, trying to hold on as the whole thing capsized. When you start describing your relationship as a boat, things are getting weird to say the least. As a result, I was getting more and more tense, needing my own space.

Some times, every once in a while, I really need a day where I can get up late and not have to deal with anyone else until I go to bed again. So I had arranged for Wufei to come over, the two of them weren't close enough for Quatre to have asked to come round too. Half a day for me. Then I had explained that, the next day, I needed to get things sorted out in my spare room, in case I needed the space for guests in the upcoming holidays. A white lie, I didn't actually intend to do it, the room could wait while I took some time for me. But with the choice of that or 'you're bugging the hell out of me, eff off!', my conscience, which repeatedly prevented me from saying anything negative to anyone's face, chose the former. Yes, I really am that weak, Wufei, and you know it.

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at Wufei and try to explain things without seeming petty and sad. The fact that my brain firmly believes me to be both really doesn't help. I guess I have to laugh at myself here, or I may cry.

"I want to break up with Quatre. I think I have to, really. I can't stand... so much about him at the moment! But I want to still be friends."

"Which is why you've failed utterly to make a move." Add insult to my injury Wufei, you're not pulling any punches here are you? Yes I've 'failed'. But in my sugar coated version of events, I've just not got round to it yet. Suck it up Barton, you're being so 'lame', as Duo would put it. I run a hand through my hair as it falls into my eyes.

"Maybe I should talk to Duo. Quat keeps complaining that I'm not being open with him, but half the time I'm sure he's saying one thing and thinking another!"

"Possibly," Wufei concedes. He puts his teacup down on my end table and looks contemplative. "Although he maybe not be being honest with himself either. He's still convinced that you two can 'fix things'. Yet, I don't see that happening, from what you've said."

"It won't." I tell him, it's the most assertive thing I've said yet, and I mean it completely. So I kick myself again for the fact that I've never managed to say this, the one thing that I'm sure of, to Quatre. I've told Wufei on several occasions. He reads my thoughts again.

"He has a right to know, even if it hurts him. Are you waiting for him to do it? For him to fall out of love with you, or just to fall out with you altogether? You'll be a long time waiting, Trowa." I shivered at his words. He called me Trowa on purpose. He looked at me in that way that tells you he is right and there's nothing you can do about it. So much for being 'the enigma', Wufei can read me like a book. And so I guess I should answer him straight, because he's past bull-shitting round the bush now. Damn.

"I'll tell him, I'll try."

"Two very different things, Barton." Don't I know it. But it's all I can promise for now. Give me my alone day to build up the courage. I really will try, can't blame me if the prospect of Quatre hating me scares me more than 50 space Leos bent on my destruction!

"Well, " Wufei realises that it's the best I can do. "I have to be going now anyway. I have an appointment to keep."

It was only after he left that I pinpointed the trouble with that last sentence. He didn't tell me where or with whom. And Wufei is not deliberately mysterious on a whim. That implies Preventer mission. I long for a moment for the thrill of such a challenge, before I get back to my own little upcoming tête-à-tête with my boyfriend. That sounds so strange even now, and I haven't broken up with him yet. But I stopped thinking of him as my 'boyfriend' a long time ago. Before I even brought all this up with him, I had wanted his friendship, more than the demanding pressure we call our relationship. Is that selfish? Should I be grateful for what he has given me, and admit that it is over? I know that Wufei is right, that I'll feel better for it, if only because I'll no longer be on-call to him whenever he needs me. I'll no longer be pushed to my social limits at every slight problem of his. But what if he doesn't like me? 'What if?'. It comes back to that every time. I suppose I need to just find out.