See previous chapters for warnings and disclaimer.

Silent Running

Somehow, things don't ever seem to go the way I plan them. Or rather, I'm so slow in the execution of said plan that it unfolds on its own and I can't direct it as I wanted. As I wished I had. And yet...maybe it's not so bad as it turns out.

Did I get up the guts to 'do the right thing'?

No. Quatre broke up with me. Are you amused? I sure as hell was not. The reason being, he did it because I wanted to. And yet at the crunch he couldn't bare it. He made up some crap about how he'd seen this coming and how it would be better for us both if we broke up, as I was restless and going to college soon, and he wanted time for the company and for himself. Why is that such crap? Because he was lying through his teeth. He knew full well that I was finally going to do the deed and so he scrambled for control of the situation. I rarely get angry. I did that day.

He'd called me, refused to tell me what he wanted, just that he had to see me to 'talk'. Some things are better said in person. Some things are better said when they need to be, before the person on the receiving end snaps and wishes they'd never met you. I was emotional, the pouring rain outside so apt and knowing. He was going to come over to my apartment, (I had no say in this) which was a mess because I was supposed to be alone that day and there he was invading again and I wasn't letting him in to spoil it. So I threw on a small jacket entirely inappropriate for the weather and stormed out to meet him halfway.

At some point my hot tears of frustration mingled with the rain, I hate that oppressive feeling when people get too much and I can't do anything about it. The urge to leave, to run, to hit the open road and be alone was so strong. But I had people who cared about me now. Not all of them crowded me like Quatre, but unlike before the war, I couldn't just forget them. I couldn't let them all worry about me. Not having learned what it is like to worry over someone myself.

Now I'm being the whiny clingy one. You're justified entirely in that opinion. I agree, I never claimed to be perfect, I wish that people would notice my flaws better than they do sometimes, because I really want them to know the real me. Of course, not telling them, being withdrawn, as I admit I am, probably doesn't help my desire become flesh. It's strange; there are brief moments of transition, when I have been outside of myself, not paying attention. Then I suddenly realise and watch myself say things and do things which are so not me, before becoming seated and careful again. Then I get a glimpse of what people must think of me, must see as 'me'. It's a frightening thought, because I am truly vain about such things, and I virtually never satisfied with the 'me' I see. I'd say I were a product of my upbringing, there was little done to bolster a child's self esteem by the mercs I travelled with.

But I don't really think that's true.

People can become too much for me at times, but I consider motivations and opinions constantly. And I don't think a single one of my friends, admittedly they are few and close to me and so perhaps not entirely representative, but not one of them likes himself. Not easily, not all the time. Especially when they really look. And some things make me really look.

On another subject entirely, and I won't apologise for the fact that my mind wanders, (flitting is a perfect word to describe thoughts don't you think) who said anything was forever? I think I first really thought about that as I stormed out into the pelting rain. My first relationship and I'm already grasping for that elusive eternity? How naïve. Whiny, clingy, naïve, yes I'm flawed, perhaps too much, I know that some would cast me out, turn me away for my faults. And that's what makes me so scared to loose him. What if no one else will have me? That really does frighten me, the prospect of being all alone forever. And yet at the same time, the revelation that it doesn't have to be that way, that he doesn't have to be the only one, will give me the strength to get through this. I hope so. I truly hope so.

But back to the story, yes I meant to tell one, not to ramble. It's always the quiet ones. Ask me to string a conversation together and I stumble over words and repeat myself, but when I write it all seems a lot clearer. A lot more poetic, I guess I have some poet in me. I wish I could find a way to let it out a bit more often. Anyway, I marched over in the rain to his apartment, resisting the desire to divert to the train station and 'get the hell outta dodge', and luckily I had stopped crying by the time I met him.

I won't go into the graphic details, yes I cried, and so did he, a more unusual occurrence than you might think. In the end my answers were reduced to curt snaps that would have fitted Heero or Wufei better than myself, but I was too involved in the moment to notice. It's only when I look back at it now that I realise things like that. And then I begin to wonder who the 'real me' is. But lets not go there, metaphysical is too much for me right now. I'm in one of those stomach uneasy, emotions colliding, 'not really wanting to think because it's all quite sad really when you put it like that' moods. Do you understand a word I'm saying? Probably not...I don't really mind, you're not me, and I don't understand me sometimes, so why bother to worry? About you I mean.

So I refused to be his personal counsellor anymore! I told him to go see someone who had the time and energy to help him. I have my own issues, but I deal better than he does, I guess. It seems harsh perhaps, yes he needs help, I know that! But I also know that I'm not the one who can give it to him. I've been trying for nearly two years, since I first got him to open up, and it hasn't done any good. I told you I was selfish, and I don't hate myself for that.

I am just as deserving of my own choices and as in need of happiness as the next ex-gundam pilot. I know that's not a good example, but it's true. And I intend to be happy. I've been depressed, I won't lie to myself, even if I'm secretive when it comes to letting others know of my true feelings. I don't deserve to be depressed and I won't wallow in it anymore. That's the only advice I could give him. I realise it's probably equivalent to an infrequent jay smoker suggesting to a heroine addict how they should quit, but that's the problem.

I don't know any other way to help. And that's what I've tried to tell him. Well, I only told him after I was polite about things for a while after it happened and tried to be there for him 'as a friend'. Bad idea, it doesn't work. Being friends. I wish I could just sever the ties completely, it might benefit both of us in the end, but our mutual friends make that difficult. Not by trying to interfere, but the mere fact that we don't want to make them choose between us. The problem is, with the exception of Duo, who has the patience of a saint, hell (he waited long enough for Wufei to wake up and smell the love thing), Quatre has alienated pretty much everyone. With his...'whininess' for want of a better word. They just don't want to hear it any more. They'd choose me, if forced, no delusion of importance on my part, just fact. It's a shame he barely knows any of his sisters. Those he sees more than once a year are more like friends and acquaintances than family. He won't, can't speak to them about us. I'm so lucky to have Catherine, I didn't realise for too long.

So am I the bad guy here, leaving him alone, and in need, when I know he hasn't got much else to hang on to? I don't want to say yes. I don't want there to be a 'bad guy'. I just want everyone, including myself, to realise that there are not rights or wrongs, just reactions that everyone has to other people. Even though we don't always, or even usually, understand them. No one does the right thing all the time. No one always has a solution. Sometimes there's no way to fix things. I tell myself sometimes, that I never really loved him. But I think I truly did. And I truly think that you can fall out of love. At least I hope so, otherwise I lied to him all those times, even after it took me so long to tell him, to say that pathetic and amazing 'I love you too'. Of course it's a response, I'm not mute, but forward? Too cowardly to be the first to say it, I know this. But it is not a response I'd give lightly. I didn't to Quatre. I'll tell myself that, as often as I need to, before I believe it.

I'm so confused. I wish I was alone again sometimes, it was all so much easier. No it wasn't. I should deck myself for attempting to romanticise that time. Fortunately, when I realise I'm stewing in my own juices, as much as I hate to keeping bugging him, I know that Wufei will time for me if I need him. You know he's probably the most collected and at peace with himself, of us five I mean. Not a great achievement, but true all the same. All that ranting and self-doubt, he went through got his problems out in the open, at least he was honest to people about it. And he's better for it than those of us who've repressed; I have no doubt on that score.

So I am now making my way through life, in not the best way possible, but in a way that I find not too horrible. Until I get better at looking after myself, I think that's all I can ask for. I work out, go over my preparation work for university, make my meals for one and I don't feel sad about it most of the time. I spend time at the weekends with my friends and I do enjoy it. It probably sounds boring and mundane, but I've never done boring and mundane before. Even when we weren't fighting anymore, I still had Quatre and all the complication that goes with him to deal with. So this slow and steady pace of affairs holds a fragile appeal for me just now. Perhaps I'll get bored in time, but 'normality' isn't as easy as I'd expected, and a social life is a big thing for me. I'm starting my university course in a week. I find it a little hard to believe. So I have enough on my plate, motivating myself and convincing myself that I can do this 'living' thing, without the need for extra excitement right now.

Oh dear...I've just jinxed it, haven't I? Good thing that I don't believe in that sort of thing. And that's the doorbell going. I get up from the sofa and turn down the Berlin Philharmonic that has been making its way through several famous concertos unnoticed as I sat in thought. I enter the tiny hallway of my apartment to the now-muted strains of Debussy and suddenly I know that it's Duo at the door. An odd, heavy feeling settles on my chest and I don't want to know why. My hand hesitates over the handle but I know he's seen me, the light in my hall casts my silhouette through the frosted glass of the small panels in the white frame. And I open the door.

To be continued in 'Not the End of the World: Part 2'