Disclaimer: yui doesn't own FruBa.
In my hands
By miyamoto yui
Part 4 - especially for my sake.
Hatori closed his eyes for a moment and then, he pushed Momiji away from him. With a stern look on his face, he stared at Momiji with a vicious look. "What the hell are you doing?"
He wanted to look away, but inside, he was on pins and needles. They were puncturing him invisibly and he could feel the trickles of blood spots flowing out of his body.
"It would have been better if you had just slapped me, 'Tori," Momiji said as he looked to one side. He wouldn't look at Hatori, but he wasn't embarrassed. He just didn't want to bear Hatori's unforgiving expression. "But I'm not ashamed."
With this, Hatori turned around to leave in supposed impatience. "You're too young to understand this."
Momiji answered back hurtfully, "When have you ever known me to hold back? That's your department."
A clean slice to kill each of their hearts.
The executioner and the convicted.
Hatori then left, but as he exited Momiji's room, he walked quickly to the front door. Looking at his office and at the direction of Akito, he walked away from both of them. He was walking towards the main entrance. And so, without even taking off his coat or a word, he left.
When he found himself on some bridge, he leaned his hands on the railings and then he gripped them for dear life. Putting his head down, he sighed aloud. "How irresponsible."
He didn't know who was worse. Was it himself? Or was he talking to Momiji?
No matter who, it was really penetrating his heart like the tip of a sharp arrow opening it for more of his blood. And it was leaving its sting to the air of reality.
Hatori wasn't a fool, though. He knew all along about Momiji's feelings.
Even though he couldn't gage his own feelings or express them very well, he could read everyone, even Akito. It wasn't hard when you were their family doctor. And a cousin at that.
Of course, he had known.
How could even tolerate being with Momiji for so long?
_Because_ he knew Momiji cared.
Momiji could unravel him in a way that made him scared of the humanity within him. And so, he fled into Akito's unspoken cruelties because they weren't really intended to hurt him. There was still that glass surface that Akito wouldn't let him see, nor would he show some things to Akito as well.
In the end, making love to him was all he could to express his confused thoughts.
But not with Momiji. He couldn't do anything that would show or shouldn't show how he wanted to react or respond. He was at a standstill for all he knew.
Momiji was more than a brother or a cousin to him.
"Dammit, Momiji is Momiji..." he would always think inside of his head.
A single fact that made him so confused in life, despite his logical thinking.
The green eye continued to look at the river flowing below him.
He wanted to see his own reflection at that moment, but he knew that wasn't possible. He was too ashamed to even look at himself in his utter weakness.
All because of Momiji.
Akito could wrap his body around him and hold him until he wouldn't let go, but he couldn't even begin to touch Momiji. There was something about Momiji that he didn't want to dirty with his hands or his self-hatred.
He erased memories.
He could be so cruel at times...
But Momiji had loved him through it all.
Unconditionally...selflessly...
Why would he _want_ to stain Momiji with his peculiarities and the ugliness that shouldn't be there?
"You should remain clean..." he mumbled to himself like an mental patient ready to jump off the bridge.
"You're too young to understand this," he repeated to himself as he thought of Momiji's face before him.
Then, he chuckled in denial as he watched the water flow below him. "Too young? You of all people..."
Hatori had known where it would hurt and so he said it to penetrate into Momiji's being to that extreme extent.
He let go of the wooden railings and pounded on them with his fists. Cringing his eye, he refused to cry. He was so resolute to not cry.
For his lover Akito, he wouldn't cry.
But for Momiji, he could.
For all these years, he couldn't make himself fall out of love with Momiji. He had to stack everything around it so that he could ignore it.
"Who else would know you better than me?!" Momiji shouted one day to him while Hatori was silently lamenting over Kana. No one else could have even guessed, but Momiji easily surmised the cause of his grief.
It was at that moment that Momiji hugged him and cried for him while shaking his head. "It's not because my mother wanted to erase me from her mind. No, I don't understand because of that. I always understood because I know how far you would go to make someone happy. Even at the cost of hurting yourself."
Wasn't that love, though?
That's the way he had always seen it done, so how was he to know the difference between pain and love that was sweet?
He had been confused at that moment when Momiji embraced him, reading him so easily.
Hatori began to shake and two tears slipped into the water and floated away into the rush of water of the river. He wouldn't open his eye, though.
He wasn't ready to face the rest of this day just yet.
"You could have done anything else..." he whispered to himself as he touched his lips lightly. "Now, you've dirtied yourself because of me, Momiji."
He opened his eye.
Everything was so blurry.
Hatori wished he could have cut off his hand at that moment...
But would it have been too obvious a sacrifice for his dearly loved Momiji?
"It's not a matter of understanding," he said to himself. "It's a matter of hierarchy. Akito and I are of the same level...and you are of a different plane. Always away from where I could reach you because you weren't meant to be with me.
...I'll only drag you down with me, Momiji.
And I'd rather kill myself than let you do that to yourself,
Especially for my sake."
He admired what he couldn't be.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: Ah, so we're wrenching it out, aren't we?
In my hands
By miyamoto yui
Part 4 - especially for my sake.
Hatori closed his eyes for a moment and then, he pushed Momiji away from him. With a stern look on his face, he stared at Momiji with a vicious look. "What the hell are you doing?"
He wanted to look away, but inside, he was on pins and needles. They were puncturing him invisibly and he could feel the trickles of blood spots flowing out of his body.
"It would have been better if you had just slapped me, 'Tori," Momiji said as he looked to one side. He wouldn't look at Hatori, but he wasn't embarrassed. He just didn't want to bear Hatori's unforgiving expression. "But I'm not ashamed."
With this, Hatori turned around to leave in supposed impatience. "You're too young to understand this."
Momiji answered back hurtfully, "When have you ever known me to hold back? That's your department."
A clean slice to kill each of their hearts.
The executioner and the convicted.
Hatori then left, but as he exited Momiji's room, he walked quickly to the front door. Looking at his office and at the direction of Akito, he walked away from both of them. He was walking towards the main entrance. And so, without even taking off his coat or a word, he left.
When he found himself on some bridge, he leaned his hands on the railings and then he gripped them for dear life. Putting his head down, he sighed aloud. "How irresponsible."
He didn't know who was worse. Was it himself? Or was he talking to Momiji?
No matter who, it was really penetrating his heart like the tip of a sharp arrow opening it for more of his blood. And it was leaving its sting to the air of reality.
Hatori wasn't a fool, though. He knew all along about Momiji's feelings.
Even though he couldn't gage his own feelings or express them very well, he could read everyone, even Akito. It wasn't hard when you were their family doctor. And a cousin at that.
Of course, he had known.
How could even tolerate being with Momiji for so long?
_Because_ he knew Momiji cared.
Momiji could unravel him in a way that made him scared of the humanity within him. And so, he fled into Akito's unspoken cruelties because they weren't really intended to hurt him. There was still that glass surface that Akito wouldn't let him see, nor would he show some things to Akito as well.
In the end, making love to him was all he could to express his confused thoughts.
But not with Momiji. He couldn't do anything that would show or shouldn't show how he wanted to react or respond. He was at a standstill for all he knew.
Momiji was more than a brother or a cousin to him.
"Dammit, Momiji is Momiji..." he would always think inside of his head.
A single fact that made him so confused in life, despite his logical thinking.
The green eye continued to look at the river flowing below him.
He wanted to see his own reflection at that moment, but he knew that wasn't possible. He was too ashamed to even look at himself in his utter weakness.
All because of Momiji.
Akito could wrap his body around him and hold him until he wouldn't let go, but he couldn't even begin to touch Momiji. There was something about Momiji that he didn't want to dirty with his hands or his self-hatred.
He erased memories.
He could be so cruel at times...
But Momiji had loved him through it all.
Unconditionally...selflessly...
Why would he _want_ to stain Momiji with his peculiarities and the ugliness that shouldn't be there?
"You should remain clean..." he mumbled to himself like an mental patient ready to jump off the bridge.
"You're too young to understand this," he repeated to himself as he thought of Momiji's face before him.
Then, he chuckled in denial as he watched the water flow below him. "Too young? You of all people..."
Hatori had known where it would hurt and so he said it to penetrate into Momiji's being to that extreme extent.
He let go of the wooden railings and pounded on them with his fists. Cringing his eye, he refused to cry. He was so resolute to not cry.
For his lover Akito, he wouldn't cry.
But for Momiji, he could.
For all these years, he couldn't make himself fall out of love with Momiji. He had to stack everything around it so that he could ignore it.
"Who else would know you better than me?!" Momiji shouted one day to him while Hatori was silently lamenting over Kana. No one else could have even guessed, but Momiji easily surmised the cause of his grief.
It was at that moment that Momiji hugged him and cried for him while shaking his head. "It's not because my mother wanted to erase me from her mind. No, I don't understand because of that. I always understood because I know how far you would go to make someone happy. Even at the cost of hurting yourself."
Wasn't that love, though?
That's the way he had always seen it done, so how was he to know the difference between pain and love that was sweet?
He had been confused at that moment when Momiji embraced him, reading him so easily.
Hatori began to shake and two tears slipped into the water and floated away into the rush of water of the river. He wouldn't open his eye, though.
He wasn't ready to face the rest of this day just yet.
"You could have done anything else..." he whispered to himself as he touched his lips lightly. "Now, you've dirtied yourself because of me, Momiji."
He opened his eye.
Everything was so blurry.
Hatori wished he could have cut off his hand at that moment...
But would it have been too obvious a sacrifice for his dearly loved Momiji?
"It's not a matter of understanding," he said to himself. "It's a matter of hierarchy. Akito and I are of the same level...and you are of a different plane. Always away from where I could reach you because you weren't meant to be with me.
...I'll only drag you down with me, Momiji.
And I'd rather kill myself than let you do that to yourself,
Especially for my sake."
He admired what he couldn't be.
Tsuzuku...
--
Author's note: Ah, so we're wrenching it out, aren't we?