Yokomon52: *grins evilly*
Morty: I hate you. I really hate you.
Yokomon52: Since I am feeling sugarhigh today, I will bring you my first (and possibly only) songfic. And it features...
Morty: *miserably* ...Me...
Yokomon52:...Who I don't own...
Misty:...And John...
Yokomon52:...Who I own. This is a song-fic to The Saddest Song, by The Ataris, which I love. And I just hope that the Italics show up. If they don't, please e-mail me. And it would help if you would also tell me how to make them work.
Morty: So enjoy. I know I won't.
Yokomon52: You have no idea how right you are.
Misty: And just so you know, it's in Morty's POV.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Saddest Song-fic
iOnly two more days
Yesterday was mine.
You'll be turning five,
I know what it's like
Growing up without your father in your life
So I'll pretend I'm doing all I can
And hope someday you'll find it in your heart/i
I gazed down at the photo in my hands. The picture showed a boy about nine months old, with dark brown eyes and little wisps of hair the shade in between orange and gold; the same as mine.
If you didn't know any better, you would say it was me.
When I flip the photo I saw what was printed in black ink:
John, age 9 months
So you see, the boy in the photo is not me, but my son, John.
The son that I will never be able to look in the eye because of my cowardice.
iTo understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not being in your life/i
Most everyone has heard the phrase; 'You can't be a good father without having a good father.'
You see, I didn't have a good father.
Scratch that, I had a iterrible/i father.
I believe that was because of the fact that my when my mother gave birth to me, she was already weak from giving birth to my twin brother, Mat. So right after I was born. Luckily, she named me first (who knows what my father would've named me...).
Don't get me wrong, my father seemed perfectly capable of showing compassion; just not toward me (He thought my twin brother, Mat, was the perfect child.).
So when my wife, Lily, gave birth to my son, I was filled with a mixture of love, tenderness, pride, and a little bit of fear.
iI remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all/i
Because when I first got to hold John (my choice name), it hit me that he was thew same length and weight that I was at birth.
Which meant that just for a split second, I thought, 'What if I'm not ready to be a father? What if I turn out to be like my own father?'
That first time I thought about it, I was able to ignore it.
For a while.
After that, every time I saw John, that thought skirted across my mind.
After tree months, it became so frequent and stressful; I did what any stupid male would do.
I left.
iMaybe someday
You'll really get to know me
Not just the letters read to you
I pray I get the chance
To make it up to you
We got a lot of catching up to do/i
~*Flashback*~
When it told Lily, I was afraid that she would just drop dead. Instead, she dropped down to the floor sobbing, which I guess is better.
"Wh-why, Morty?" she sobbed, head in her hands.
"I'm sorry; I think it's because I'm afraid I'll turn out like my father. I just don't want John to grow up like I did."
She looked up at this. "But Morty, you and your father are two different people. He was a jerk, and you're just...insecure."
"That doesn't help." I said flatly, trying to restrain my own tears.
She grabbed my arm tightly. "That's not the point!" she then pulled me into a tight embrace and sobbed on my thin chest. After a few minutes, I started to cry on her on shoulder.
After a while, she gently pulled away from me and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand.
"Alright, Morty. I might not quite agree with you, but I understand and respect your wishes." She told me, with a catch in her voice.
"Really?" I asked, wiping away my own tears.
"Of course," she confirmed, and touched her lips to mine in a gentle kiss.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After a week of much packing and tears, I was finally ready to leave.
I had decided on a small apartment in Olivine City, so that I was never to far away.
On the day that I was going to leave, I kissed Lily one last time, and took John in my arms.
"John, you're going to have to take care of your mom for me. She needs you. And always remember that I always love you, no matter what." I whispered to him.
He smiled happily at me.
I suppose I kind of broke down right then. I choked on my tears and handed him to Lily, and we embraced for the last time.
iSo I pretend, I'm doing all I can
And hope someday you'll find it in your heart/i
~End flashback~
Thirteen miserable years passed, and can now say that I fully regretted my decision to leave Lily.
I had no luck with my job, and later I found out that that was partially due to the fact that I was depressed.
I also owe some of my rotten luck to the fact that some of me must've died that night that I left Ecruteak City.
Even with Jasmine helping me out now and then, I became what my older brother, Lee, would've called an 'anorexic Head Case' (I say would've because I haven't heard from him since before I left.).
Then one day, I got a phone call that would change my life forever.
iTo understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not being in your life/i
~*Flashback*~
I heard the phone ring from inside the shower, and I was debating whether to let the machine pick it up, when I ran out of hot water. 'Ah, what the hell', I thought, about two rings away from the machine answering it, and dashed out of the bathroom stark naked.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Is this Morton Hachi?" a woman's voice asked me. (A/N: Okay, I needed a last name for him, and that was the first thing that came to mind. Isn't 'hachi' Japanese for something? I 'm not sure...)
"It is, now who is this?" I responded. I wanted to end this conversation soon, because the AC had just come on, making it freezing cold (and it didn't help that I was nude, either.).
"Yes, well I 'm from the Ecruteak Hospital..." (my heart sank) "...and I am sorry to tell you that your ex-wife, Lillian, was killed in a car accident earlier today, and I have been informed that you have a thirteen-year-old son, who is now legally yours.
If my heart was level with my stomach before, it was now at sea level, and my apartment is on the seventh floor.
"Sir? Are you there?"
"Yes, I-I am, and I will be there tomorrow morning." I managed to say.
"I'm sorry for any inconveniences that this has caused," whoever it was told me than hung up.
I hung up, too. At that moment I forgot everything. I didn't care that I was freezing cold, because I was so numb.
I also didn't care that I was nude; I sunk to my knees and cried.
I don't know how long I was there, and I didn't really care. Before too long, though, I heard a knock on the door.
"It's open..." I called miserably, hoping it was Jasmine.
Luckily for me, it was.
"Morty! What happened?" she asked.
Through my tears, I managed to choke out what I had just found out.
When I was finished, I noticed that Jasmine had wrapped her arm around my shoulders and was crying with me. That's when I remembered that she and Lily were pretty close.
However, after a few minutes, she seemed to actually bnotice/b me.
"MORTON J HACHI!!" she shouted at me.
I jumped up. Then I realized that I must've looked pretty pathetic; a naked, thirty-five-year-old man, crying on the hard wood floor of with apartment.
"Get dressed and packing, would you? You have to be in Ecruteak in the morning to take care of John!" she barked at me.
Shit! I had forgotten about John! My face fell and I looked at my feet. 'I'll bet he hates me for leaving him...' I thought.
"What's wrong now?" she asked, her voice softer now.
I told her what I was thinking, and her facial expression clearly told me that she was thinking, 'You shouldn't have left in the first place,' but she didn't say that aloud.
She wiped my tears away with her thumb and whispered to me, "You still need to get some rest. And no matter what you may think, your family still cares about you."
And with that, she left.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After a sleepless night and a strenuous train ride (have I mentioned that I always get train-sick?), I arrived at my former home.
I sighed and rang the doorbell. After a few minutes of waiting, the door opened to show what I thought was my reflection, but was actually someone I haven't seen in thirteen years.
Mat.
For a minute, we just stared at each other in disbelief. Then, Mat put his hand on my shoulder, as if to make sure that I was really there.
"Morty!" he exclaimed at the same time I said his name, as we fell into each other's arms.
We just stood like that for a few minutes, until Mat pushed back, causing me to stand straight up, and before I knew what hit me...
WHAM!!!!
Next thing I knew, I was on the ground, Mat crouching beside me, staring at his hand.
I raised my own hand to my cheek where he struck me, and I realized that he would be bruised before me.
His gaze shifted from his hand to my obvious cheekbones.
"You-you-you..." he stuttered hopelessly.
"Do you mind helping me up?" I asked him.
"You look terrible..." he told me while pulling me into a standing position.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "Now can you tell me why you slapped me?"
"Well, on one hand, I'm overjoyed to see you after so long. But I also think you're an idiot for leaving in the first place," He informed me. "Now come in."
I did just that. When I walked in, I was greeted by a great smell, and that's when I realized that I was in the kitchen.
Directly after that hit me, I heard a gasp and a loud 'clang!', like metal being dropped on wood.
I turned to see my only sister, Daisy, looking like she'd seen a ghost and tons of cut-up vegetables and a large metal bowl near her feet.
"M...Morty?" she breathed.
"Yep."
I was immediately hugged with such force that I was nearly knocked to the ground for the second time today.
"Ohmygod, you'resuchanidiotbutimissedyousomuch*!" she told me, as if it was all one word.
"I can't believe it. You're back after all these years bnow/b?" a cold voice behind me said.
iI remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all/i
I turned around, thinking Lee was the one hat had said it, and even though I saw him, the look on his face told me that he wasn't the one that said it.
John had.
He was staring at me with a look that told me that he didn't like me too much.
"Before we start any fights, I think we should discuss this..." Lee said, cautiously stepping in between John and me.
The group of us walked into the living room, which (to my delight) hadn't changed a bit.
"First off, Morty: why the hell are your cheekbones like that?" Mat asked, still rubbing his sore hand.
I half-smiled, and began to explain that even with Jasmine's help, I had a very hard time with my life, and often couldn't eat as much as I would've liked to, thanks to my crappy job.
By the time I was finished, I had four pairs of eyes staring at me (three in awe, the last glaring).
"Fuck, Morty! You've become an...an...anorexic Head Case!" Lee told me. "Of course, I still think you're an idiot, but...if you needed help, how come you never called?"
"But...I thought you guys hated me for leaving!" I exclaimed.
"Oh, we do, don't worry..." John muttered.
"Well, we did, but I thought the reason that you had never called was because you were dead..." Daisy informed me.
"And now, you have to be here because you're the only one that can legally take care of John," Mat said.
"WHAT?!" John yelled at no one in particular. "You mean I'm in his care now?"
"That's right," I told him.
"That sucks," he spat at me.
~End flashback~
So that's basically how it's been going for the past six months. He insults me, and I deal with it. I admit that I'm a push over, but that's actually my fault.
But lately, it's been a little different.
You see, I was badly injured in a car accident three weeks ago. From what I've been told, I was hit by some crazy teen-agers that had just gotten their licenses, and an SUV.
It put me in a coma for 24 hours.
The most surprising thing about all of that was that when I woke up from my coma, John was in the hospital bed with me, asleep.
Even though I was just released from the hospital last week and my sense of judgement is impaired by all of the painkillers that I'm on, I think John's been a little nicer to me.
I really hope that John's beginning to understand why I left.
Of course, it might also help that I left him The Tapes.
The Tapes represent how odd my friends and family could be. When Lee got a camera for his 21st birthday, we needed something to do with them.
So what we decided on is that we would use them to tell each other something that we couldn't tell them face to face, or when we were feeling a strong emotion, or even just when we were extra hyper.
I sighed and laid back into the pillows and set the picture down next to me, wondering if John and I would ever get along.
As if answering my question, I heard a soft knock on my door.
"It's open," I called.
The door opened to show none other than John.
"I watched The Tapes..." he told me.
"And...?"
"Well, I have two things to say: First, you were a strange person when you were younger." I smirked at that remark "And, well, I'm sorry that I treated you that way I did."
"That's okay. Teenagers aren't exactly the most reasonable creatures alive."
He snorted. "So...do you think you could show me the rest of The Tapes? You only left two."
I smiled. "I'd love to."
iForgive me!
I'm so sorry!
I will make it up to you.../i.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yokomon52: Yay! I finally got around to typing this! I wrote it in one of my many journals last weekend, and I figured I might as well type it today 'cause we get the day off of school!
Morty: *pouts*
Yokomon52: Actually, my original version is kind of funny.
Morty: There is nothing funny about what you did to me.
Yokomon52: No, it's just the fact that I wrote it in like 10 different colors. And I'm sorry if the ending seemed kind of rushed, or if the song wasn't spread out enough.
John: Please review or Yokomon52 will cause Daddy Dearest more pain and suffering.
Morty: I hate you. I really hate you.
Yokomon52: Since I am feeling sugarhigh today, I will bring you my first (and possibly only) songfic. And it features...
Morty: *miserably* ...Me...
Yokomon52:...Who I don't own...
Misty:...And John...
Yokomon52:...Who I own. This is a song-fic to The Saddest Song, by The Ataris, which I love. And I just hope that the Italics show up. If they don't, please e-mail me. And it would help if you would also tell me how to make them work.
Morty: So enjoy. I know I won't.
Yokomon52: You have no idea how right you are.
Misty: And just so you know, it's in Morty's POV.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Saddest Song-fic
iOnly two more days
Yesterday was mine.
You'll be turning five,
I know what it's like
Growing up without your father in your life
So I'll pretend I'm doing all I can
And hope someday you'll find it in your heart/i
I gazed down at the photo in my hands. The picture showed a boy about nine months old, with dark brown eyes and little wisps of hair the shade in between orange and gold; the same as mine.
If you didn't know any better, you would say it was me.
When I flip the photo I saw what was printed in black ink:
John, age 9 months
So you see, the boy in the photo is not me, but my son, John.
The son that I will never be able to look in the eye because of my cowardice.
iTo understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not being in your life/i
Most everyone has heard the phrase; 'You can't be a good father without having a good father.'
You see, I didn't have a good father.
Scratch that, I had a iterrible/i father.
I believe that was because of the fact that my when my mother gave birth to me, she was already weak from giving birth to my twin brother, Mat. So right after I was born. Luckily, she named me first (who knows what my father would've named me...).
Don't get me wrong, my father seemed perfectly capable of showing compassion; just not toward me (He thought my twin brother, Mat, was the perfect child.).
So when my wife, Lily, gave birth to my son, I was filled with a mixture of love, tenderness, pride, and a little bit of fear.
iI remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all/i
Because when I first got to hold John (my choice name), it hit me that he was thew same length and weight that I was at birth.
Which meant that just for a split second, I thought, 'What if I'm not ready to be a father? What if I turn out to be like my own father?'
That first time I thought about it, I was able to ignore it.
For a while.
After that, every time I saw John, that thought skirted across my mind.
After tree months, it became so frequent and stressful; I did what any stupid male would do.
I left.
iMaybe someday
You'll really get to know me
Not just the letters read to you
I pray I get the chance
To make it up to you
We got a lot of catching up to do/i
~*Flashback*~
When it told Lily, I was afraid that she would just drop dead. Instead, she dropped down to the floor sobbing, which I guess is better.
"Wh-why, Morty?" she sobbed, head in her hands.
"I'm sorry; I think it's because I'm afraid I'll turn out like my father. I just don't want John to grow up like I did."
She looked up at this. "But Morty, you and your father are two different people. He was a jerk, and you're just...insecure."
"That doesn't help." I said flatly, trying to restrain my own tears.
She grabbed my arm tightly. "That's not the point!" she then pulled me into a tight embrace and sobbed on my thin chest. After a few minutes, I started to cry on her on shoulder.
After a while, she gently pulled away from me and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand.
"Alright, Morty. I might not quite agree with you, but I understand and respect your wishes." She told me, with a catch in her voice.
"Really?" I asked, wiping away my own tears.
"Of course," she confirmed, and touched her lips to mine in a gentle kiss.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After a week of much packing and tears, I was finally ready to leave.
I had decided on a small apartment in Olivine City, so that I was never to far away.
On the day that I was going to leave, I kissed Lily one last time, and took John in my arms.
"John, you're going to have to take care of your mom for me. She needs you. And always remember that I always love you, no matter what." I whispered to him.
He smiled happily at me.
I suppose I kind of broke down right then. I choked on my tears and handed him to Lily, and we embraced for the last time.
iSo I pretend, I'm doing all I can
And hope someday you'll find it in your heart/i
~End flashback~
Thirteen miserable years passed, and can now say that I fully regretted my decision to leave Lily.
I had no luck with my job, and later I found out that that was partially due to the fact that I was depressed.
I also owe some of my rotten luck to the fact that some of me must've died that night that I left Ecruteak City.
Even with Jasmine helping me out now and then, I became what my older brother, Lee, would've called an 'anorexic Head Case' (I say would've because I haven't heard from him since before I left.).
Then one day, I got a phone call that would change my life forever.
iTo understand
Why I'm not around
And forgive me for not being in your life/i
~*Flashback*~
I heard the phone ring from inside the shower, and I was debating whether to let the machine pick it up, when I ran out of hot water. 'Ah, what the hell', I thought, about two rings away from the machine answering it, and dashed out of the bathroom stark naked.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Is this Morton Hachi?" a woman's voice asked me. (A/N: Okay, I needed a last name for him, and that was the first thing that came to mind. Isn't 'hachi' Japanese for something? I 'm not sure...)
"It is, now who is this?" I responded. I wanted to end this conversation soon, because the AC had just come on, making it freezing cold (and it didn't help that I was nude, either.).
"Yes, well I 'm from the Ecruteak Hospital..." (my heart sank) "...and I am sorry to tell you that your ex-wife, Lillian, was killed in a car accident earlier today, and I have been informed that you have a thirteen-year-old son, who is now legally yours.
If my heart was level with my stomach before, it was now at sea level, and my apartment is on the seventh floor.
"Sir? Are you there?"
"Yes, I-I am, and I will be there tomorrow morning." I managed to say.
"I'm sorry for any inconveniences that this has caused," whoever it was told me than hung up.
I hung up, too. At that moment I forgot everything. I didn't care that I was freezing cold, because I was so numb.
I also didn't care that I was nude; I sunk to my knees and cried.
I don't know how long I was there, and I didn't really care. Before too long, though, I heard a knock on the door.
"It's open..." I called miserably, hoping it was Jasmine.
Luckily for me, it was.
"Morty! What happened?" she asked.
Through my tears, I managed to choke out what I had just found out.
When I was finished, I noticed that Jasmine had wrapped her arm around my shoulders and was crying with me. That's when I remembered that she and Lily were pretty close.
However, after a few minutes, she seemed to actually bnotice/b me.
"MORTON J HACHI!!" she shouted at me.
I jumped up. Then I realized that I must've looked pretty pathetic; a naked, thirty-five-year-old man, crying on the hard wood floor of with apartment.
"Get dressed and packing, would you? You have to be in Ecruteak in the morning to take care of John!" she barked at me.
Shit! I had forgotten about John! My face fell and I looked at my feet. 'I'll bet he hates me for leaving him...' I thought.
"What's wrong now?" she asked, her voice softer now.
I told her what I was thinking, and her facial expression clearly told me that she was thinking, 'You shouldn't have left in the first place,' but she didn't say that aloud.
She wiped my tears away with her thumb and whispered to me, "You still need to get some rest. And no matter what you may think, your family still cares about you."
And with that, she left.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After a sleepless night and a strenuous train ride (have I mentioned that I always get train-sick?), I arrived at my former home.
I sighed and rang the doorbell. After a few minutes of waiting, the door opened to show what I thought was my reflection, but was actually someone I haven't seen in thirteen years.
Mat.
For a minute, we just stared at each other in disbelief. Then, Mat put his hand on my shoulder, as if to make sure that I was really there.
"Morty!" he exclaimed at the same time I said his name, as we fell into each other's arms.
We just stood like that for a few minutes, until Mat pushed back, causing me to stand straight up, and before I knew what hit me...
WHAM!!!!
Next thing I knew, I was on the ground, Mat crouching beside me, staring at his hand.
I raised my own hand to my cheek where he struck me, and I realized that he would be bruised before me.
His gaze shifted from his hand to my obvious cheekbones.
"You-you-you..." he stuttered hopelessly.
"Do you mind helping me up?" I asked him.
"You look terrible..." he told me while pulling me into a standing position.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "Now can you tell me why you slapped me?"
"Well, on one hand, I'm overjoyed to see you after so long. But I also think you're an idiot for leaving in the first place," He informed me. "Now come in."
I did just that. When I walked in, I was greeted by a great smell, and that's when I realized that I was in the kitchen.
Directly after that hit me, I heard a gasp and a loud 'clang!', like metal being dropped on wood.
I turned to see my only sister, Daisy, looking like she'd seen a ghost and tons of cut-up vegetables and a large metal bowl near her feet.
"M...Morty?" she breathed.
"Yep."
I was immediately hugged with such force that I was nearly knocked to the ground for the second time today.
"Ohmygod, you'resuchanidiotbutimissedyousomuch*!" she told me, as if it was all one word.
"I can't believe it. You're back after all these years bnow/b?" a cold voice behind me said.
iI remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all
I remember waiting
For you to come
Remember waiting
For you to call
Waiting there to find nothing at all/i
I turned around, thinking Lee was the one hat had said it, and even though I saw him, the look on his face told me that he wasn't the one that said it.
John had.
He was staring at me with a look that told me that he didn't like me too much.
"Before we start any fights, I think we should discuss this..." Lee said, cautiously stepping in between John and me.
The group of us walked into the living room, which (to my delight) hadn't changed a bit.
"First off, Morty: why the hell are your cheekbones like that?" Mat asked, still rubbing his sore hand.
I half-smiled, and began to explain that even with Jasmine's help, I had a very hard time with my life, and often couldn't eat as much as I would've liked to, thanks to my crappy job.
By the time I was finished, I had four pairs of eyes staring at me (three in awe, the last glaring).
"Fuck, Morty! You've become an...an...anorexic Head Case!" Lee told me. "Of course, I still think you're an idiot, but...if you needed help, how come you never called?"
"But...I thought you guys hated me for leaving!" I exclaimed.
"Oh, we do, don't worry..." John muttered.
"Well, we did, but I thought the reason that you had never called was because you were dead..." Daisy informed me.
"And now, you have to be here because you're the only one that can legally take care of John," Mat said.
"WHAT?!" John yelled at no one in particular. "You mean I'm in his care now?"
"That's right," I told him.
"That sucks," he spat at me.
~End flashback~
So that's basically how it's been going for the past six months. He insults me, and I deal with it. I admit that I'm a push over, but that's actually my fault.
But lately, it's been a little different.
You see, I was badly injured in a car accident three weeks ago. From what I've been told, I was hit by some crazy teen-agers that had just gotten their licenses, and an SUV.
It put me in a coma for 24 hours.
The most surprising thing about all of that was that when I woke up from my coma, John was in the hospital bed with me, asleep.
Even though I was just released from the hospital last week and my sense of judgement is impaired by all of the painkillers that I'm on, I think John's been a little nicer to me.
I really hope that John's beginning to understand why I left.
Of course, it might also help that I left him The Tapes.
The Tapes represent how odd my friends and family could be. When Lee got a camera for his 21st birthday, we needed something to do with them.
So what we decided on is that we would use them to tell each other something that we couldn't tell them face to face, or when we were feeling a strong emotion, or even just when we were extra hyper.
I sighed and laid back into the pillows and set the picture down next to me, wondering if John and I would ever get along.
As if answering my question, I heard a soft knock on my door.
"It's open," I called.
The door opened to show none other than John.
"I watched The Tapes..." he told me.
"And...?"
"Well, I have two things to say: First, you were a strange person when you were younger." I smirked at that remark "And, well, I'm sorry that I treated you that way I did."
"That's okay. Teenagers aren't exactly the most reasonable creatures alive."
He snorted. "So...do you think you could show me the rest of The Tapes? You only left two."
I smiled. "I'd love to."
iForgive me!
I'm so sorry!
I will make it up to you.../i.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Yokomon52: Yay! I finally got around to typing this! I wrote it in one of my many journals last weekend, and I figured I might as well type it today 'cause we get the day off of school!
Morty: *pouts*
Yokomon52: Actually, my original version is kind of funny.
Morty: There is nothing funny about what you did to me.
Yokomon52: No, it's just the fact that I wrote it in like 10 different colors. And I'm sorry if the ending seemed kind of rushed, or if the song wasn't spread out enough.
John: Please review or Yokomon52 will cause Daddy Dearest more pain and suffering.