A/N: I'm sorry!!! Please don't hate me too much!!! I know this chapter is really late, but it isn't easy to type one-handed, and I've had to help organise an international seminar on violence and civil resistance…..
Anyway, I see that you don't care too much on whether Svetlana gets Severus back or not, so….. here it is, the unanimous authoress decision! You're going to hate me even more!!!
Disclaimer: I'm *so* annoyed! I *hate* writing disclaimers! We all know that I'm not JK Rowling, and that I don't own the Harry Potter characters and locations, don't we?
FAMILY MATTERS
PART XXII
"Please, Severus, don't leave me!" whimpered Svetlana, looking at her husband with tear-filled eyes.
Snape let go of her shoulders and looked at her in utter shock.
"What?!" he whispered, deciding he must have misheard her quiet demand.
"Don't, don't!" she repeated desperately, throwing her dignity overboard "I'll die if you leave me!" It was totally true, and yet Severus couldn't take it as more than a rhetoric element.
Svetlana looked at Severus and knew that he didn't believe her. //That's it. I'm dead// But since she was going to die, she wasn't going to do to quietly. And she wasn't going to let herself be slaughtered like cattle. //I'm going to die in my own terms// Her mind was quick in providing her a fantastically evil plan to take advantage of her inevitable demise: a suicide, a letter confessing she couldn't take Harry Potter's stalking anymore and then….. The Boy Who Lived in public disgrace, Severus Snape dealing with a guilty conscience, Hogwarts in complete disarray. Shame she wouldn't live to see it. Maybe the Fleurs would give her a posthumous award…..
Svetlana looked at Snape again, and a couple of big tears slipped down her cheeks: she *didn't* want to die. If only he could put the past behind him, and embrace her as his wife again…..
"I'm sorry" she whispered, seeing in those expressionless black eyes her death sentence "I'll go now"
She got up shakily and walked towards the door. With her hand in the doorknob, she turned to give Severus a last pleading look, but he wasn't even looking at her, but instead, her was staring at her empty place as in a trance. Biting back a sob, Svetlana left the room.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Draco woke up the following morning with a curious feeling of irresponsibility; he felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. As he smiled vaguely to the hangings of his bed, he remembered where the feeling came from. He remembered the kiss with Svetlana, the breaking of the tension that had kept him on his toes all those months, the satisfaction of knowing she loved him too…..
With languid movements he got up, had a shower and got dressed. It was Friday, and seventh year Slytherins and Gryffindors had Double Potions in the afternoon; although Draco wasn't sure he would feel very comfortable with Snape, there was always the chance to torture Potter a bit more, for daring set his insufferable green eyes on Svetlana. The young Malfoy smiled with renewed satisfaction at the thought of the weeks of torment he had put The Boy Who Lived through. The moronic Gryffindor didn't know what he was getting into the first time he looked upon Svetlana.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
But Harry wasn't worrying about Svetlana at the moment, although he should have; he wasn't even worrying about the Slytherins and their attempts on his sanity. He was desperately trying to repair his friendship with Ron without compromising his dignity, all the time while trying to keep thoughts of Sirius off his mind. It wasn't an easy task, but deep inside Harry knew that Ron was more loyal than a Hufflepuff and, sooner or later, they would return to be the friends they were before.
He even tried to give a wan smile to Hermione at breakfast, and she smiled brightly in return, seeing the effort the boy was putting into that simple gesture. Then, she returned to her occupation of watching the High Table, waiting for the Potions teacher to appear so she could ask him something about her NEWT practice papers. But at the end of breakfast Snape wasn't still anywhere to be seen, and Hermione, pressed as she was for time, went to the now decimated 'family table' and coughed respectfully behind Svetlana's seat. The Russian witch looked up from her cup of coffee and looked at the Head Girl inquiringly.
"Pardon me for bothering you at breakfast, Mrs Snape," said Hermione, wondering at the dark circles under Svetlana's blue eyes "but I wanted to know where Professor Snape is, because I need to ask him something….." Hermione watched as Svetlana turned to the High Table and examined her husband's empty seat.
"I'm afraid I don't know either" she answered at last, with a voice tired from crying and yet more humane than ever before "Maybe you could ask Professor Dumbledore, he surely knows" Hermione muttered her thanks and started her retreat, but Svetlana stopped her with a gesture "And when he tells you where Severus is, please do come back and tell me"
Hermione assented with a small nod of the head, and marched resolutely towards the Headmaster, who smiled as he saw her approaching; at her question about the whereabouts of Professor Snape, the old man answered that the Potions teacher wasn't feeling at his best that morning and would be absent from lessons for a few days. Hermione expressed her (not very heart-felt) wishes from his prompt recovery, and walked thoughtfully back to the Gryffindor table, to retrieve her bag. Half-way there, though, she remembered Svetlana Snape's request and went to tell the Russian witch that her husband was ill.
There was something strange in the tired way Svetlana accepted her explanations, in the unusual depth of her blue eyes, in the painful smile, concluded Hermione as she finally went back to her seat.
"Professor Snape is ill" she said loudly enough for Ron and Harry, who were sitting at either side of her, to hear her. So absorbed she was in her thoughts, the she didn't notice the flare in Harry's eyes at the mention of Snape "But there seems to be something wrong with Mrs Snape too" This time Harry chose to blush, and Hermione registered the fact vaguely "For a start, she didn't even know where Professor Snape was!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^
Professor Snape was in his bedroom, at the moment. He had failed to attend a meeting he had with Dumbledore early in the morning, and that had prompted the old wizard to Floo into his room and find him in a state of confusion highly unusual for someone so controlled as Snape. The younger wizard had only said he wasn't feeling well at all and wanted to be excused from his lectures, and Dumbledore, with the understanding that characterised him, accepted and offered a cup of tea whenever Snape felt like it.
But Severus couldn't even find it in himself to be grateful towards Dumbledore. He felt empty, a bit nauseous, and completely disgusted with himself. He had been heartbroken about Svetlana's leaving, and when she offered him the opportunity of going back to him, when she declared her love from him, almost on her knees, he just stood stupidly, rejecting her with his silence.
Someone should just kill him, that's how Snape felt. He didn't regret any of the many doubtful decisions in his life as much as he regretted his shocked silence the night before. Why couldn't he have just jumped at the chance, embraced Svetlana's shaking frame, kiss the tears away from her eyes and make up for his many mistakes towards her? Was it because of Lucius? Was he, Severus Snape, going to let his life be ruined by a traitorous so-called-friend, instead of grabbing the chance to get his happiness back?
He had spent endless night dreaming about what could happen if Svetlana came back, and when she did, he threw her away, for the second (maybe even third) time in his life. Why had his subconscious make him act like that? Why did his mind want to keep him away from his family? Hadn't he regretted the first time enough? Hadn't he damned his cowardice the second time every day since then? Hadn't he rehearsed every night what he could say to Svetlana if he saw her disposition thawing to him? And when she begged him to take her back, he pushed her away…..
Severus wanted to die. For a start, he would try starvation, although Dumbledore was sure to try and feed him soon. He didn't want to leave his room to go anywhere, not even to the office where he kept his poisons, so he remained on his bed, remorse rotting his mind, until he heard a knock on his door.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Remus Lupin arrived at Tibati when dusk was falling. Hauling his small suitcase over his shoulder, he started a starlit walk which took him out of the city and into the mountains that surrounded it. Sometimes, he looked up to check the alignment of the stars, which Dumbledore had given him as the only direction to reach the mountain refuge of the African wizards studying werewolves.
And for the first time, as he walked through the rocky terrain, he could think about what had happened without his pain and guilt flooding him. All he felt was a serene void, a cold, lucid rage directed, not towards himself, but towards whomever had managed to unleash the wolf within him. The more he thought about it, the more he refused to blame Snape: the man hated him and Sirius, that much was true, but he wouldn't boycott one of his precious potions to kill them, even less when all possible evidence pointed to him as a suspect.
No, it had to be someone else. And, Remus promised, looking at the Sirius star, that he would find out who it was.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Svetlana Snape sat on her desk, which she had moved into her bedroom. She had left Siena with Mrs Vector with the excuse of taking care of her husband, and now, with tears continually slipping down her cheeks, she put her affairs in order, preparing herself for her impending finale.
She wrote down her will, leaving everything to her children, but naming Lucius Malfoy as their tutor until they came of age; with the quill hovering in mid-air, she wondered if choosing Lucius was a wise move, but she realised she couldn't do much more but trust the blonde Death Eater. Then, she began to draft the goodbye letter which should be made public to disgrace Harry Potter, the letter to Serguei, and the letters to Lucius, Draco and Severus. She cried continually as she did so, damning herself for not being intelligent enough to have avoided the situation she was in, or strong enough to go through it with a minimum of dignity.
But she couldn't help but feel immensely miserable at the thought of the death she had brought upon herself. A very lively person, Svetlana had a paralysing fear of Death and now life showed itself in its brightest colours for her, mocking her with its endless possibilities, which she would never get to experience.
It was lunchtime by the time Svetlana was done with the letters. While the clock chimed in the living-room, it occurred to Svetlana that Severus hadn't eaten anything since his lunch the day before, and even if he wasn't really ill, he would be soon if he kept on fasting. Along with the concern for the father of her children, the Russian witch harboured a thread of mad hope as she asked for some food from the kitchens and knocked again on Severus' door. She had absolutely nothing to lose.
"Come in" she heard and opened the door one-handed, holding the tray with the other hand.
Severus was sitting on his unmade bed, with the same clothes he had been wearing the day before, with dark circles under his tortured black eyes and his hair looking as if he had ran his hands through it too many times.
"I brought you some food" said Svetlana, avoiding his eyes "I suppose you haven't had anything to eat since yesterday" She placed the tray on a nearby table and prepared herself to leave.
"Thanks, Svetlana" said Severus; after a pause, he added "And I'm sorry"
"It's OK" she answered with a strangled voice: she was swallowing bitter disappointment "I understand. It's always me who has to lose, I'll get used to it"
"No, I'm really sorry" insisted Severus from his place on his bed.
"So am I, Severus, so am I" she answered, meaning every word. She lingered for a moment more, praying for a miracle, but when she saw it wasn't happening, she tried to leave again. With her hand in the doorknob, in the position she had delivered many deadly sentences, she remembered the words from her mentor: 'Never wait for a miracle unless you're going to make it yourself'. "Severus, this will seem almost ridiculous, but, for the last time, I ask you not to leave me. Please"
"Svetlana….." Once again, a mixture of surprise and intuitive suspicion stopped Snape's immediate response; but Svetlana wasn't going to take no for an answer.
"Damn, do you want me to go down on my knees?! What do you want me to do to prove to you that I want to go back?! I'm begging you, Severus, what more do you want?!" Svetlana turned round and walked towards her husband with the courage of desperation. She stopped just in front of him "Why don't you want me back? Is it because of Lucius? Is it because of what I said yesterday? Can't you forgive one mistake, when I'm prepared to forgive all of yours? Is it because there's someone else? Oh, Severus, tell me something! I can't believe you despise me so much as to not even answer me….." Svetlana bent her knees to look at Severus straight in the eye, and asked again "What have I done that is so wrong? Severus? Why won't you even say a word to me?"
//I have nothing to lose. Even my dignity is gone. I'm dead if this doesn't work, so I can as well die trying//. Svetlana waited for thirty eternal seconds for any kind of answer, and when she received none, she fell to her knees in front of Severus. She wasn't even going to bother with more words, even if she could quarry speech from the enormous lump of stone pressing down on her chest, so she just kneeled and looked up to her husband.
"Svetlana….." he said, his voice hoarse from emotion. She was on her knees, begging him to go back and he *still* couldn't utter those simple words that would grant her his acceptance. No words came to him, none that would serve his purpose, none that would stop the pain and fear he could feel radiating off her. But there were occasions when the usefulness of words ran out, and actions were the only possible communication, so Severus raised a hand, slowly, painfully, and placed it in Svetlana's face, feeling the warm tears.
She closed her eyes, and to Severus' mind came, with extreme clarity, the night when Siena had been conceived, when he had gone back home. He remembered how Svetlana, after bandaging his wounds, had helped him up to the guest room and put him into bed. He remembered how she had checked his temperature, her hand on his forehead and how their eyes had locked and held while she did so. He remembered how she closed her eyes (like she was closing them then) in silent defeat, and how he had kissed her afterwards. And as he remembered, Severus leaned down to kiss Svetlana because it was all he could do, because it was all that he wanted to do, because he couldn't just leave her there.
And as she received the kiss, a flood of warm relief exploded within her, and she melted under her husband's lips.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^*^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A/N: OK, you can throw the rotten tomatoes now!!! Preferably under the form of a review, cleaning a tomato-stained screen is a mess…..