Title: Secrets, Lies and Betrayals
Rating: PG, for now, DOES contain a few swear words
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with Dark Angel, Cameron & Eglee, etc. I own nothing and I'm gaining only valuable writing experience.
Summary: Logan has a secret, which ultimately puts both Max and Alec in danger. M/A
Chapter 10: Revelations & Confusion
Alec, the van and all its other occupants had returned safely to Terminal City several hours ago. Max, on the other hand, hadn't shown up yet. Alec was more confused and worried than ever before. Max had done some strange things in her time but stealing his bike and not returning to Terminal City had to be the worst so far, at least according to him it was. Alec couldn't help or shake the feeling he had that Max wasn't coming back. He dearly hoped that wasn't the case. He needed to know that she was all right. Not only because of what had happened with White but just in general. From what he had been told about her rescuing him and from what he had witnessed himself, something was not quite right with her. Yet again all he wanted to do was help her, if she'd let him that is.
*
Max had simply been riding around for hours. She didn't know where she was going, nor did she care. All she knew was that she wasn't ready to go back to Terminal City just yet. When she did she would have to answer a multitude of questions. Ones that she couldn't face. Ones that she didn't have answers for. She also knew that there would be one person in particular who would be curious about her. Alec. Why had she never seen before just how caring he was? He was always looking out for and protecting her and she never even realized it. 'But why?' Max thought to herself. Why would Alec do that for her? It wasn't as if she was nice to him, ever. This new thought only confused Max even more.
*
His leg was troubling him. He knew that even before he had gone on the mission to the facility. He didn't care then and he didn't care now, well almost didn't. Alec made his way to the infirmary to see what could be done about the bullet wound in his leg that had reopened. Salt ushered him over to a bed and began to take care of his wound. Sometime during the process, Alec drifted off into a troubled sleep. His dreams were always filled with images of the past and usually all the bad ones. The ones of people he knew dying, of contacts he killed and of innocent civilians losing their lives in the crossfire of a human/transgenic war. The only time Alec ever got a decent amount of sleep was when he dreamed of Max. She truly was his savior. In the dream world as well as the real world. He loved her and would also be forever grateful for the amazing creature that was Max.
*
Max noticed her fuel gage was hinting towards empty. She sighed. It was time to face the music. So, she headed back to Terminal City to do just that.
*
Alec awoke to find that it was late afternoon. He had slept for a couple of hours straight. That was highly unusual. What was usual, however, was that Max was the first thing on his mind when he awoke, just as it was first thing in the morning and then again at night before he drifted off into sleep. He couldn't rid himself of her even if he wanted to. Seeing as though it was late afternoon and several more hours had passed, Alec wondered if Max was back yet. He desperately hoped that she was. He decided to go and see for himself.
Alec was about to slip out of the bed he had occupied for the past several hours in search of Max when lo and behold who should walk through the door of the infirmary? He watched on as Max made her way over to Salt. They had a brief and rather hushed conversation before Max was ushered to a bed. Salt then came over to Alec with an expectant look on her face. Alec now slipped out of the bed and waited in anticipation.
"You can leave now," Salt said to him softly.
That wasn't exactly what he had been expecting.
"What?" he replied, not at all softly.
"You've had your rest, now it's time for Max to have hers" Salt stated simply.
"But…" he began to protest before he was cut off
"No buts, just go" Salt said as she gently pushed Alec towards the door, "you can come back later" she added before closing the door with Alec on the other side of it.
He stood there with a puzzled look on his face. What was all that about? Didn't Max want to see him? And if not, why not? Alec thought he was confused by Max's behavior before but he had yet to experience what he had just been through. He would never understand the way her mind worked and yet he did and was possibly the only one that did. More confusion. It seemed to be a continuing trend lately.
When Salt had said that he could come back later, Alec had believed her and why shouldn't he? He had no reason not to. But that had been three days ago. How much longer could later possibly mean? He needed to see Max. He needed to know why she was staying in the infirmary for three days straight when there was nothing wrong with her. He decided that tonight he would take some action.
Alec snuck along the corridor that led up to the infirmary door. Every time he had tried to see Max over the past few days, which was about every hour he was turned away. He was here now to put a stop to that. He was sure that she wouldn't actually be sleeping but if she were he would simply wait until she woke up and talk to her then. Alec crept right up to the door and tried the handle. It was locked, just as it had been all the other times he had tried it. But this time he had come prepared. He made short work of picking the lock and silently made his way inside.
Alec crept silently towards Max's bed. It was under a window. Moonlight was streaming in onto the bed illuminating it and Max. He could see now that she was awake and simply staring out the window. He stayed along the wall in the shadows and took the opportunity to look at her. He couldn't see any visible injuries apart from the bandage on her shoulder but she already had that. Alec was content to watch her and he stayed that way for several minutes.
Max had been lying in the same bed staring out the window, staring at the ceiling or occasionally sleeping for three whole days now. She was going crazy. This was nothing at all like her. But what she had nearly done at the facility was not like her and so was the feeling of love for Alec that she simply couldn't shake, no matter how hard she tried. All she needed was some time alone to think and that's exactly what she had done. In that time, she had made some startling revelations about herself and her life in those three days.
She was in love with Alec but she had already discovered that several days ago even before she thought he was dead. It had time to sink in now and Max was quite used to the idea. As she continued her musing a very important thought struck her. White was right, she was weak. She had made the promise to herself to shut herself off from all that compromised her strength and she intended to honour that promise. All she needed to do was work out what exactly had compromised her strength. Max then combined her two major lines of thinking over the past three days, love for Alec and weakness. It hit her like a ton of bricks. It, everything all came down to one thing, one person. Alec.
He was her weakness. She knew she loved him and that had altered her way of thinking and her way of life but she also knew now that loving Alec was what made her so weak. When she thought Alec was dead, her love for him had taken a strong hold of all her other emotions. She no longer wanted to live because she would be living without him. Because of what she felt for Alec and the decisions that she made she was willingly to let White of all people kill her without even putting up a struggle of any kind. Max was again ashamed of herself for her actions.
She knew now what had happened. It wasn't so much love that had made her weak but more importantly her love for Alec that had made her weak. She then made another startling self-revelation. She was never in love with Logan. She truly thought she was but she simply couldn't have been. If she were than surely she would have been weakened by her love for him just as she had been by her love for Alec. She wasn't entirely sure about everything but she did know one thing. Logan could never be the 'one' for her. Not after she discovered she had stronger feelings for someone else, especially when that someone else was Alec of all people. Someone she was willingly to lose her life for.
A battle rage inside of Max's mind as she desperately tried to figure out what everything meant. She knew and understood now that while she was quite prepared to lose her life for Alec she was only ever willingly to risk her life for Logan. There was quite a difference and the implications were not lost on her. She knew then that her decision to never see Logan again was indeed the right choice. Now, however, it was not just because he betrayed her, but also because she didn't love him and never had. Max knew that if she ever told Logan she didn't love him that he wouldn't understand. It would be a difficult thing to explain without hurting Logan more by telling him that not only did she never love him and she found out by realising that she was in love with Alec. That would undoubtedly crush him so she decided to never tell Logan the real reason. She may not be willingly to die for him but she was still willingly to protect him.
Max had now come to three major conclusions over her three-day brainstorming session. 1. That she never loved Logan 2. That she was in love with Alec and 3. That her love her Alec made her weak, weaker than she had ever been in her entire life. There was one major decision left for Max. She already knew what it was but was putting it off as long as she could. She was going to have to do the hardest thing she had ever done. She was going to have to rid herself of Alec for good. It didn't matter if she loved him more than life itself. It was the right thing to do, for her, for him and all the people that were counting on them both. It would be the only thing possible to ensure she stayed strong for herself and for all the others that depended on her.
It was after that moment of clarity that she sensed him. At first she thought it was her mind playing cruel tricks on her but his scent grew stronger as he lingered in her room. She sighed. Of all the times for him to show up over the three days she had been here, he picked the exact moment she had come to the decision to give him up for good despite being in love with him. It definitely was some cruel joke after all. Max sighed again, knowing full well what she had to do but still dreading every moment of it.
"I thought I told Salt no visitors," she said in a flat tone, startling Alec who thought his presence couldn't and hadn't been detected.
"You've been lying in bed for 3 days now Max."
"What's your point?" she asked still not looking away from something that had apparently attracted her attention outside the window.
"1. You're a transgenic so you should be more than better by now and 2. Your Max, who doesn't like to be in one place for too long and who doesn't sleep."
Max just sighed. He made some valid points. He knew her too well. It was to bad she was going to have to push him away, especially since she loved him. She didn't want Alec to get the better of her so Max decided the best option would be anger.
"You don't know anything about me," she yelled suddenly getting angry and sitting up in her bed.
Alec was taken aback by her sudden outburst. 'Where the hell did that come from?' he thought to himself.
"Max?" he asked in a concerned and slightly hesitant tone.
"Get out" she screamed as she turned to look directly at him.
Alec didn't know what was going on or why Max was so angry but seeing her like this only made him want to talk to her and help her all the more. He started to edge closer towards the bed. Max could sense the worry emanating off of him. This was not what she needed. He was supposed to get angry himself and end up hating her, not be worried about her. Alec stopped next to her bed and stared down at her. His eyes were silently pleading with her to open up to him. She didn't see this though as she was too busy thinking of a new plan of attack.
'Ok, take another angle' she thought to herself, 'perhaps guilt'
Alec was mere centimeters away from her now. His closeness was unnerving her so she slid out of the bed for the first time in three days and put some much needed space between them. She then unleashed her new attack.
"I didn't go in there and save your arse so you could go and get it killed again." she screamed.
Alec was getting more and more confused. He had watched as she slid out of the bed and crossed the room and again he watched as she yelled at him, just like usual. But this yelling was different. Max knew what the real reason was. She was grateful that Alec had come back for her otherwise she would have been the one who went back to the facility only to end up dead. As her words hit his ears, Alec felt his anger rising.
"Jesus Max, try to be grateful for once in your life" he yelled back at her throwing his hands up in the air.
"Grateful?" she screamed at him, "I could never be grateful for you"
Her words cut him deeper than Max would, and possibly even he would, ever realize. All the torment he had endured in his life, all the trips to Psy Ops, the heartache he had gone through with Rachel and all the other general hurt in his life could never have prepared him for the pain and anguish he felt at that moment. But old habits die hard and he tried not to let it show. He was good at not letting things show. He just wished he were as good at not letting things affect him, especially when they came from Max. Instead of getting angrier, Alec again tried to calm Max down instead. This was not what she had expected and wanted. She had just said the most horrible thing she had ever said to him before, something she knew would affect him and instead of getting angry and leaving he was still here. That wasn't part of the plan.
"Max," he whispered softly in fear of his voice cracking, "please tell me what's really wrong"
She couldn't believe him. After all she had put him through, deliberate and otherwise he was still trying to help her. This was too much for her, especially now that she knew she loved him. Max could feel her mask slipping. The strain, stress, anguish and emotional journey she had undertaken over the last three days finally took its toll on her.
Max backed away from Alec until she was against the wall of the infirmary. Once she hit it with her back she slid down it until she was resting on the floor. She then pulled her knees up to her chest, rested her head on her arms and began to cry. She cried more than she ever thought possible, even after she thought Alec was dead which was really saying something. The tears simply wouldn't stop flowing and Max allowed them to come.
Alec was in shock at the sight before him. But that didn't stop it from breaking his heart. He needed to know what was going on now more than ever. Nothing made Max cry so whatever it was had to be pretty big. He closed the gap between them once more and knelt down beside her. He rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. She just continued to cry and shake from the fierce nature of her tears. Alec couldn't stand the sight any longer. He took hold of her and pulled her into him, sitting her on his lap and engulfing her in a hug. Max welcomed and took great relief in the contact and the gesture made by Alec. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
They stayed that way for several minutes. Her tears began to subside and Alec gently pulled her away from his chest and used his finger to tilt her chin so she was looking at him. She simply stared at him, unable to form any words. Alec smoothed back some ragged hairs and tucked them behind her ears. He then kissed her on the forehead. Max let out a soft whimper.
"Tell me what's wrong" he whispered
She shook her head.
"Please?" he pleaded this time with his voice as well as his eyes.
Max took a shaky breath.
"I told White something I shouldn't have." Her whisper was barely audible, even for transgenically improved hearing.
"What? Was it about ray? Was it about terminal city?" he asked all in a rush panicking slightly.
Again Max shook her head, "it was about you" she said in another whispered voice
"Me?" Alec asked in surprise, "What could White possibly want to know about me?" then a quite disturbing thought struck him, "What do you know about me that would interest White?" he asked in a rush, desperate to know the answer.
Max couldn't speak. His kind gesture when she was crying touched her and staring into his eyes had affected her more than she ever thought possible. She knew then one of the reasons why she loved him so deeply. But she simply couldn't tell him like this, in fact she couldn't tell him at all.
"It would be better if we didn't associate any more." Max said without moving from the comfort his arms and body gave her as the tears streamed down her face unhindered again.
"Max this can't be what you want." Alec asked more confused than ever before. He searched her face for the answer.
"It's not what I want but it has to be done." Max said softly and sadly.
"Why?" was all Alec could manage to ask. It seemed to be the beginning to so many of his questions. Why was she crying? Why had she been hauled up in the infirmary for three days straight? Why had she almost killed White? Why did it matter to her so much that White didn't think she was weak?
"I can't," she sobbed out
"I don't believe you, tell me what happened that's making you do this Max."
Alec began to shake her softly as if trying to break her out of the trance she was in that was making her say these crazy things. He couldn't live without her and yet here she was in his lap of all places telling him that they shouldn't associate any more. It was too difficult and painful to even comprehend.
"Max" he began to speak again before being cut off
"Alec please I've put you in danger"
"You always put me in danger" he said trying to lighten the mood without really thinking about what he was saying.
The look that crossed Max's features pained Alec to no end. He hadn't meant to say it like that. It hadn't come out right. It was supposed to be a joke not hurt her. That was never his intention.
"That's not what I meant Max."
"No, no I understand" Max said as she extricated herself from his body and stood up. She crossed the room to sit on the edge of her bed once more. Alec followed her actions and came to stand in front of her.
"Max please, why and you shutting me out?" he asked
Her head fell and more tears traced their way down the contours of her face, dripping silently onto the bed.
"Just go," she whispered to him in between sobbing.
Alec hated seeing Max like this, especially since he couldn't fix it. But he wasn't one to disobey a request from her. He would do anything for her and if that anything was leaving her alone than he would just have to comply. He made his way to the door of the infirmary and watched as Max made her way under the covers on the bed and cried into her pillow. He needed to do something to cheer her up and fast. As Alec made his way down the corridor of the infirmary and outside, a thought occurred to him and soon he had the perfect plan in his mind. All he had to do now was put it into place.