"Saruman! Get down here!" Theoden and his enterage were sitting outside the
front door of Orthanc. All the way from Helm's deep, they had ridden,
feeling pretty good about themselves. After all, the "invincible" orcish
horde had been wiped out in a dazzling, movie-worthy display of heroics and
greenery.
Gandalf was coming up the steps, after telling Merry adn Pipping to stay put at their base. He trudged up to the others holding a faintly ridulous hat which he had apprpriated from Pippin, and was muttering something about "blatent cross-geeking."
He stopped when he saw what was on the balcony. A large staff and been tied to it, sticking up and out. Dangling from it's tip was a string, with a terrified Worntongue at the end.
Inside Saruman was trying to stay calm as he gave his progress report to Sauron.
"Well, it is true that we have had some minor setbacks," he was saying, very quickly, "but I am sure that we will have the Rohirrim on their knees begging for mercy, any minute now, I am just waiting for Lurtz's report."
He tried to sound convincing, but his voice was shaking.
Sauron responded in a slow, ponderous voice that he thought made him sound more evil, but really just sounded like he had been a chain smoker all his life.
"Are you sure about that Saruman? Because my spies have told me something quite different."
"Oh? Really?"
"They said something about gardening issues. I didn't get the whole message, they were busy snickering. So I thought I would ask you"
Saruman laughed nervously, "Oh its nothing serious, the trees are here demanding that I stop cutting down the forrests. I said that I am well within my rights, and am about to wipe them out with a good ol fireball."
"Oh, good" Sauron said distractedly, "well, then be about it, I can wait."
Saruman quickly put him on hold, it wasn't a good idea to hang up on one of the most ancient evils around.
Outside, he could hear the King and his company laughing, as they tried to knock Wormtongue down with rotten vegetables.
Saruman took several deep breaths, straightened out his hair and his robes, put on his most pleasent face and went out on the balcony.
"Well hello," he said masking his voice, "what brings you to my humble abode?"
Theoden looked up at with steely eyes, "You know what we're here for, the little matter of you trying to take my throne and kingdom."
"Oh? What makes you think I was involved?"
"They had the white hand of Saruman, the same symbol on your gates."
"No proof," Saruman said with an airy wave of his hand, "they took that symbol to set me up."
The riders of Rohan seemed to soften to this and murmered amongst themselves.
"Also," said Eomer, "there is the matter of that ponce you sent to poisen my uncle, who even know is perching from your balcony."
"Wormtongue misunderstood me, he thought I had said 'Poisen his mind with lies' and what I had said was um, 'Moisten up your pies', see his pies were rather dry."
At this some of the riders laughed, as if that explained everything, and that the whole thing had to be a bad misunderstanding.
Theoden narrowed his eyes, "there is also the problem with your rent."
"Rent!" Saruman squeaked, causing a stir among the riders.
"Yes, you haven't paid it in over a year, and without that revenue, I haven't been able to pay all my riders." Theoden smiled, knowing that he had said the magic words. Behind him, his riders were starting to murmer and then grumble.
Saruman looked about as white as his hair and robes. He realized that he was about to lose the upper hand, "The check was in the mail, I sent it to Wormtongue," he turned to the dangling worm, "what did you do with it?"
Wormtongue gulped as he turned slowly in mid-air, "I never got such a check, m-mylord."
"Also," Theoden said, pressing on, "no where in your lease does it say that you can dig up the front yard like this."
"Well, um, it was a surprise you see, adn um..."
Some of the riders started to chuckle as Saruman was obviously losing his grip.
"And having large groups of orcs is a direct breach of the lease, and so you force me to take Isengard away from you."
"b-But I"
"However, since you had taken it upon yourself to build Orthanc, I guess that is yours, adn in my infinate kindness I am more than willing to let you stay there, until you find other accomodations."
He then gestured to the trees, "I will leave Treebeard and his contigent to see to your every need."
The Riders started to roar with laughter, as Saruman, the white, teh leader of the council, went back into his tower, having been defeated by legal mumbo-jumbo.
He wandered back into the main chamber, where the Palantir was throbbing with light, indicating that he had a message coming in.
"So sorry you had to go, hope everything works out, oh and insidently I've sent one of my Black Riders to check up on you, and see to any need you might have.
Cheers, Sauron"
Saruman picked up the Palantir and hurled it out the window, barely missing Grima's head. He then began to swear loudly and creatively, while the riders outside began to sing about Saruman the Lite.
Grima dangled dangerously as a shock bolt flew dangerously close.
"Please," he said nervously, "don't be so hard on yourself"
The End
The Parody will be continued with Tea Time with Sauron.
Gandalf was coming up the steps, after telling Merry adn Pipping to stay put at their base. He trudged up to the others holding a faintly ridulous hat which he had apprpriated from Pippin, and was muttering something about "blatent cross-geeking."
He stopped when he saw what was on the balcony. A large staff and been tied to it, sticking up and out. Dangling from it's tip was a string, with a terrified Worntongue at the end.
Inside Saruman was trying to stay calm as he gave his progress report to Sauron.
"Well, it is true that we have had some minor setbacks," he was saying, very quickly, "but I am sure that we will have the Rohirrim on their knees begging for mercy, any minute now, I am just waiting for Lurtz's report."
He tried to sound convincing, but his voice was shaking.
Sauron responded in a slow, ponderous voice that he thought made him sound more evil, but really just sounded like he had been a chain smoker all his life.
"Are you sure about that Saruman? Because my spies have told me something quite different."
"Oh? Really?"
"They said something about gardening issues. I didn't get the whole message, they were busy snickering. So I thought I would ask you"
Saruman laughed nervously, "Oh its nothing serious, the trees are here demanding that I stop cutting down the forrests. I said that I am well within my rights, and am about to wipe them out with a good ol fireball."
"Oh, good" Sauron said distractedly, "well, then be about it, I can wait."
Saruman quickly put him on hold, it wasn't a good idea to hang up on one of the most ancient evils around.
Outside, he could hear the King and his company laughing, as they tried to knock Wormtongue down with rotten vegetables.
Saruman took several deep breaths, straightened out his hair and his robes, put on his most pleasent face and went out on the balcony.
"Well hello," he said masking his voice, "what brings you to my humble abode?"
Theoden looked up at with steely eyes, "You know what we're here for, the little matter of you trying to take my throne and kingdom."
"Oh? What makes you think I was involved?"
"They had the white hand of Saruman, the same symbol on your gates."
"No proof," Saruman said with an airy wave of his hand, "they took that symbol to set me up."
The riders of Rohan seemed to soften to this and murmered amongst themselves.
"Also," said Eomer, "there is the matter of that ponce you sent to poisen my uncle, who even know is perching from your balcony."
"Wormtongue misunderstood me, he thought I had said 'Poisen his mind with lies' and what I had said was um, 'Moisten up your pies', see his pies were rather dry."
At this some of the riders laughed, as if that explained everything, and that the whole thing had to be a bad misunderstanding.
Theoden narrowed his eyes, "there is also the problem with your rent."
"Rent!" Saruman squeaked, causing a stir among the riders.
"Yes, you haven't paid it in over a year, and without that revenue, I haven't been able to pay all my riders." Theoden smiled, knowing that he had said the magic words. Behind him, his riders were starting to murmer and then grumble.
Saruman looked about as white as his hair and robes. He realized that he was about to lose the upper hand, "The check was in the mail, I sent it to Wormtongue," he turned to the dangling worm, "what did you do with it?"
Wormtongue gulped as he turned slowly in mid-air, "I never got such a check, m-mylord."
"Also," Theoden said, pressing on, "no where in your lease does it say that you can dig up the front yard like this."
"Well, um, it was a surprise you see, adn um..."
Some of the riders started to chuckle as Saruman was obviously losing his grip.
"And having large groups of orcs is a direct breach of the lease, and so you force me to take Isengard away from you."
"b-But I"
"However, since you had taken it upon yourself to build Orthanc, I guess that is yours, adn in my infinate kindness I am more than willing to let you stay there, until you find other accomodations."
He then gestured to the trees, "I will leave Treebeard and his contigent to see to your every need."
The Riders started to roar with laughter, as Saruman, the white, teh leader of the council, went back into his tower, having been defeated by legal mumbo-jumbo.
He wandered back into the main chamber, where the Palantir was throbbing with light, indicating that he had a message coming in.
"So sorry you had to go, hope everything works out, oh and insidently I've sent one of my Black Riders to check up on you, and see to any need you might have.
Cheers, Sauron"
Saruman picked up the Palantir and hurled it out the window, barely missing Grima's head. He then began to swear loudly and creatively, while the riders outside began to sing about Saruman the Lite.
Grima dangled dangerously as a shock bolt flew dangerously close.
"Please," he said nervously, "don't be so hard on yourself"
The End
The Parody will be continued with Tea Time with Sauron.