The Truth About Love

I walked calmly out of that horrible white room and made it all the way to the end of the hall and around the corner before crumpling like a beaten creature to the floor. I knew my friends could hear the muffled sobs from there persistent vigil outside his door, but I didn't care. They couldn't even begin to guess at their real meaning, and they knew me well enough to leave me alone. They knew me better then anyone in the world…They were my family, they always had been.

Looking back now it seems almost laughable that we survived the wreckage of two sorceress wars only to stand helplessly by and watch as one of our strongest is pulled from our ranks. There, just midway down the hall in a room that nearly blinds you with the sheer whiteness of it, my friend, my lover, my whole world, lies fighting a losing battle against his own body for another chance at life. Here, in a dark corner of one of the infirmaries more serious wings, crouched on the floor, gloved hands fisted in my spiky blond hair, I have to accept the cold fact that I lost him long before we even knew about the cancer.

There's a saying he read me once, when we were entangled in the bed sheets during the first safe months before his illness. "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it's yours to keep, but if it doesn't then it was never yours to begin with. In the jagged light of honesty I have to admit I knew he wasn't mine to keep from the very beginning, but I didn't care. I wanted to try anyway. I held onto him for all I was worth, only to discover I never had him at all; and by that time I was already in love. But I'm getting ahead of myself. If I'm ever going to work up the strength to let him go I need too see this all clearly, without reservation, from the beginning.

#Flashback#

During the second Sorceress War we all got hints of our past, before garden, together, but they were just that; hints. It wasn't until midway through the ball garden held in our honor that we felt an odd twinge in the back of our minds before collapsing to the floor with a flood of memories. We were never able to explain exactly what brought them on. The lack of GF's in our system for over a month, a delayed reaction to time compression, Elone's powers on the frits, or even a jolt from Rinoa when Squall gave her a plutonic little kiss goodnight (That caused a hell of a lot of rumors about them being together, when the truth of the matter was that she was the first to know he was gay). Whatever did cause that odd electromagnetic jolt amongst our little group, we woke up the next morning to find out memories completely restored. For the first time in over ten years we all remembered the true depths of our past friendships at the orphanage without the

As I said, it wasn't as if we didn't know before, but after that night it was as if some sort of bond, maybe that of time, had been broken between us. Everyone seemed to cast off the reservations they'd held towards our little group before. Hell even Seifer came back a few weeks later and apologized in his own arrogant sort of way. The memorie's a little vague now, in all this grief, but He and Squall were really close as kids, and didn't take them long to catch up. Squall had some of the most up close and personal dealings with the sorceresses, so when Seifer came out about the whole 'mind control bit', which, by the way, most of just started to guess at towards the end, Squall was very understanding. He never told me, but I think Ultimacia took a stab at his mind too.

So, with even our most renowned rivals of the group forming a bond of friendship it seemed like everything was falling into place. For once, it seemed, we could enjoy a little peace and quite. That was until…this next burden fell upon us.

Everything began about a year or so after the defeat of Ultimacia. I was walking around the halls at around dusk. It was thunder storming outside and we'd been forced to land in a meadow that somewhat resembled the old orphanage grounds. Most people were asleep or cowering in their dorms. It's funny to see them charge into battle and see them reduced to cowering balls in the corner during a storm, but I guess being an instructor requires you to understand all sides of your students.

Did I mention that already? Trying not to panic and lose it make it hard to keep things in chronological order. Yes, for all my energy and fidgeting I'd managed to become instructor of the martial arts class. Everyone ended up becoming instructors after that war. Some, like Irvine, did it just to relax and stay with our group, but others wouldn't be able to face the battle field the same way they had before. We all needed time to heal the scars of those dark days. Not to mention the fact that our little group had seemed to have taken some unspoken oath to stick together, and no one could find it in their hearts to pull away.

But I'm getting away from the topic at hand again. As I was saying, I was walking down the hall, admiring the power of the storm (I can't really explain it, but it makes me feel almost safe to know that, for all our technology, there are still some forces of nature that we can do nothing to prevent.) when I heard a muffled fit of hysterics coming from one of the dorm rooms I was passing. I didn't think much of it until I glanced at the number. It was Squall's!?

I skittered to a halt in from of the door staring up at it wide eyed and openmouthed. Maybe if had just been a chuckle or a mild bit of laughter it would have aroused nothing more than mild amusement on my part, but I could swear he was chocking on tears of laughter in there! No matter how close he may have gotten to us, Squall was still kind of a close mouthed person; whether that's natural, or forced in I can really bring myself to decide.

Cautiously I slid forward and pressed my ear to the door; just to make sure I wasn't losing it. Sure enough he was in there, and he was laughing. Maybe I should've just walked away but the sudden curiosity that it ignited in me refused to be pushed aside. As silently as a breath of wind I hacked my way into his room and crept inside. (I really don't know why they bothered to put those locks on the doors is they teach us how to hack into them. The closest thing I ever came to an answer was to keep outsiders from garden out of our rooms.)

It was very dark as the door closed behind me and I was about to leave thinking Squall was…ah…entertaining company. But just as I turned to go, color rising hotly all across my face, a soft, blue glow caught my eye. Glancing over my shoulder I notice Squall was, in fact, quite alone. He was sprawled comfortably in a half sitting position in front of his computer. Curiosity peaked even further I tried to take in as much detail as possible without getting any closer. He was still grinning idiotically, whipping the last remaining tears from his eyes. I had to strain my neck at a really uncomfortable angle but I was able to discern that he was reading something on an internet file.

This by itself was not to be unexpected with Squall. He's just been assigned to team teach the gunblade with Seifer and thus would have many viable reasons for having to sift through paperwork; electronically or otherwise. However, he was so...relaxed…almost… animated that I seriously doubted he was going over the latest edition of the gunblade.

As I said before we, as the orphanage gang, are a fairly close nit group, but even still I'd never seen Squall so… alive. I never knew he liked to read, but then again with all the silent thinking he does I wasn't overly surprised. I actually found this new side of my friend rather intriguing.

In my attempts to get a closer look at what he was reading I accidentally sent a small table, and all of it's contents to the floor. "Zell?!" came the startled vice of my companion. I looked down at the spilled mesh of books and other nick-nacks then quickly back up a Squall, who had already turned around and was staring at me with something akin to fear. Suddenly feeling very guilty, as though I had overlooked some sacred personal ritual I looked down again, trying to form the words to apologize but none would come.

As bad as I felt at catching Squall without his 'mask' on I couldn't stop the next question from falling from my lips. "Uh….w-what are you reading there?"

He blinked a few times, some semblance of his usual air falling into place before he answered softly, "A fantasy novel."

"Oh…" I murmured looking down again, my face red with embarrassment. It was then that I noticed the mess from the spilt table still on the floor. Crouching down to clear the mess I mumbled, "I'm sorry for just barging in here like that… I just… never heard you laugh before."

Squall shrugged in an indifferent manner as he too knelt to help clear the papers away. We worked in silence for a few moments before our equally glove free hands collided in the effort to remove the last piece of paper from the carpet. Our heads snapped up and our eyes met with a sharp intensity. More silence. At last I made one feeble attempt at the impossible. "You like to read then?" I asked. Squall never let anyone *really* know him. Not even Rinoa, who had come the closest out of all of us and there was still so much left unsaid. I made had just made an attempt at getting under the shell of ice he surrounded himself with.

Squall stared at me a moment or two longer as if trying to decide whether or not letting me in this much would break any of his strict 'stay out of my life' codes. Apparently I passed whatever security checks he'd installed because he offered a hesitant nod.

Smiling warmly in response to this trust I took the initiative to continue this little bonding session. "Me too; mostly action although fantasy isn't bad." Squall gave a hint of mild surprise beneath his mask, as though he doubted someone has hyper as myself could actually sit still long enough to enjoy a good read. Grinning a little broader I added, "I know it's hard to believe, but I can't spend *all* day jumping about 'swatting flies.'

To my even further shock a small smile spread onto Squalls lips and, unless someone in the immediate vicinity was a gifted ventriloquist, he was chuckling at my statement. "Seifer's not *that* bad," he murmured, seemingly more relaxed then when he first discovered my presence. At my questioning look in response to that statement he continued, "Micum Cavish has nothing on him, trust me."

"Who?" I asked settling down Native American Style on the floor, satisfied that a good line of dialogue had been established.

Squall gave me a slightly pensive look and started, "Oh, no one. Just-just a character that I was reading about," he nodded his head in the direction of the computer and looked for a moment as though he would back away, but I gently touched his arm before he could make a retreated. Our eyes met once more and I said, softly, "Please.. Tell me."

The scared renegade seemed to mull it over for a bit before finally settling down next to me on the floor and filling me in on the elaborate story of wizards and intrigue and what not. I must admit for a genre I didn't always care for, he portrayed it so beautifully I was dying to download a copy for myself.

That's the real beginning of it all. That night, when I stumbled in on Squall was the best thing that ever happened to me and, as selfish as it might be, I wouldn't trade it for the world. After that night I started spending more and more time with Squall, talking about this and that, always enamored by the stories he could tell. It wasn't long before we started a relation ship. The rest, really is just history.

It was wonderful, tender and very caring during the first three months. It was the golden age which I will always have to hold in memory. I thought, foolishly, that it might always be that way, but I didn't take into account that life is rarely a happy ending.

It happened so quickly really. I came home one night to find him in very sick condition. I rushed over to him, wrapping my arms loosely around him and asked, "What's wrong."

Squall just shook his head and murmured, "Nothing… I'll be fine," in my ear.

Of course it wasn't until he started passing out that he finally consented to go to the doctor and by then…. It was too late… inoperable… Squall and the rest of us to hope without chance.

The funny thing is the cancer isn't what dealt the final blow to my heart. Shifting my eyes around the corner slightly I can see him clearly, staring through the glass of the hospital door at the one thing I always wanted and he always had.

The first time I saw it ignited the struggle inside me. Squall had just been newly admitted to the hospital. I stopped by his room during my lunch hour to visit him and noticed some sort of Afghan wrapped around him. It was in black, gray, and the same deep blue of his eyes. Kneeling by his bed I ran the soft wool through my fingers and asked, "Where'd this come from?"

Squall blushed deeply at the question and mumbled, "Oh… Seifer made it for me…" Before I had the chance to comment on that remark, or more likely, make jokes, Seifer moved into the room through the sliding door; neither of us noticing his presence until he murmured a soft, "Hey Squall."

I turned to look at him, but he wasn't focused on me. The instant he'd murmured his greeting Squall and him locked eyes and held it. It was no more than a few moment, but looking back and forth at both of them… I know what I saw. Love. I was to busy falling for Squall to notice it before, but in that moment, when they where the only two people in the world, the room was palpable with the feeling. It's almost hard to explain it all.

There was, and still is, a bond of love between me and Squall, but… it's of a different variety. What I have with him could very well last a lifetime, someone most people shoot for, but what he has with Seifer is the kind of Love that could last forever. I'm angry at myself for not figuring this out sooner, but mostly I'm angry at myself for not stepping back sooner. Squall has such a brilliant heart, I know he'd never break mine even if it meant giving up Seifer, and Seifer… he'd just want to make Squall happy…

I wish I could be selfish and keep Squall all to myself, but he was never mine to begin with, and who would I be to stand in front of two people who love each other like that…

#End of Flashback#

I've gone over everything now. The truth is here. It's two years after the sorceress war. Squall has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. He was diagnosed 9 months ago. About an hour ago I got the news that he has three days to live unless some miracle happens. Seifer gave him the afghan five months ago, apparently Quistis taught him how to make it. I love Squall. I don't think I can ever stop loving him like I do, for as long as I live. He and Seifer love each other in a way that transcends the fabric of time and space. I can't let them stay apart because of me. Slowly I wipe my eyes free of tears, take a deep breath, and take courage from their strength.

At the sound of my footsteps all the others, except for Seifer turn and look at me, almost fearful. In the last five months when I've been struggling to let go of Squall I've been all but unapproachable. Now, I'm free. I can give him the gift to love Seifer freely and it brings the strangest mix of joy and pain to me. I pause briefly at Squalls door, standing their until Seifer turns his gaze to me. I smile very sadly before going into talk to Squall. Although he remains neutral his presences softens a little, almost as if he can sense what I'm about to do.

Squall, so much thinner and paler than before the cancer looks like death warmed over in his bed. There's so much pain around us. I glide over to him, kneel by his bed, and take his hand in mine. His eyes flutter open and he whispers a weak, "Hey…"

Never one to fill the air with unnecessary words I get straight down to business and try to keep from crying. "I'm sorry Squall."

Squall's brow wrinkles in confusion and he asks," Sorry for what Zell?"

I hold his gaze for a long moment before answering. Trying to convey all my love and rationalizations over the last hour into a few seconds. "I don't think I can love you the way you deserve." I pause again, hoping to any god that will listen that he'll understand, know how hard this is for me. Understand I only want him to be happy. Understand everything. Someone up there must have taken mercy on me because after a brief pause he smiled, understandingly, as though he could see right through my ploy, that I still loved him, but said nothing.

He only nodded and I took the next opportunity to speak. "It's not fair to either of us."

I bit my lip for a few minutes, not trusting myself to talk without crying. In the back of mind I was sure Squall could see right through me, he always could. He could see right through me, see that I still loved him with all my heart, see and be grateful for what I was giving up for him. When I could speak at last I said, "I have to let you go Squall… I-" he cut me off gently pushing a weak pale finger against my lips.

We locked eyes for a few minutes longer his sure probing gaze running deep into my own sad smile of sacrifice. I felt almost guilty. I had kept Squall to myself for so long I didn't deserve to have things so easy. But Squall's always been an angle, even now, on the brink of death. "I understand," He said simply letting his hand fall away to cover my own. Knowing that words would only clutter the moment I just smiled soft and sad, leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. The kiss spoke of nothing more than friendship and understanding… and goodbye. When I drew up at last we smiled at each other one last time, I ran my hand through his hair, then got up and left without looking back; I knew I would cry if I did.

When I emerged from the room everyone looked up from their seats, save for Seifer, he'd been standing almost the entire time. I paid no one, but him, and attention. I knew what I had to do. Walking directly towards him I said a few words that had been all I ever knew about the truth of love, turned and left.

I walked without looking back, the same way I'd walked away from Squall. Wishing them all the happiness in the world, it still hurt so much to let him go. I walked without realizing I'd left the hospital, without realizing I'd walking into the street until I noticed the headlights of the approaching truck. I had about five seconds until it hit me, I only need half of one to move, being so well trained, but I didn't. Instead I looked back over my shoulder, watching the light from Squall's hospital room spill out into the night. Perhaps there was something I could give him to atone me selfishness after all. Two seconds left. I breathed a sigh and looked to the starry heavens, only a small part of it visible in a break in the clouds, not hearing any screeching or cries to move. One second. I closed me eyes and smiled. Half a second. The sky opened up and poured down rain. Then there was nothing.

~~~

(Seifer's POV)

I stood there, just blinking for a few moments, before what Zell had said registered. Did he know I loved Squall? Was it that obvious? He left him.. Why? For me? I knew Squall cared for me, but he'd never break Zell's heart. He didn't have it in him to be cruel. Sudden awareness spreading over me I looked down the hall, wanting to say something, probably thanks, but he'd already gone. I blinked a few more times before promptly striding into Squalls room.

He looked up as soon as I entered and smiled like a teacher who knew the childs question before they asked it. "What happened?" I asked, getting right to the point, sitting down next to him.

Squall smiled mutely for a few more seconds before saying, "He broke it off." I probably should have been angry at Zell for doing that when Squall needed someone the most but when Squall reached forward and intertwined out fingers I couldn't bring myself to care. "It's okay Seifer, it was mutual. We didn't love each other the way we should've for things to keep going."

I opened my mouth to ask what he meant by that but both out heads snapped to the window as the sounds of a horrific car accident flew through it…

*Mini Epilogue*

(Squall's POV)

Maybe it was weird to have the ceremony over a grave, but at least it wasn't a cemetery. It was the place where we'd first met, and the resting place of the one person that enabled us to finally be together. It was a very small ceremony, "family" only. We'd set it up in the orphanages new garden (the kind with flowers that is.) It had a beautiful array of fall flowers and multi colored leaves strewn across the path that served as our "isle."

The sun had just begun to set when the small band struck up the wedding march. I glanced over at my fiancé briefly to find his usually smirk melt into a breathtaking smile that only I ever saw. God I love him. Arm in arm, fingers intertwined we walked in step down the small stone path of the garden, currently over-strewn with fall leaves. Even after all this time with them I still blush a little at the round of "Aw's" and other such comments as we pass. Finally we come to rest in front of the priest, under a beautiful archway of white roses.

We turn to face each other and the priest begins talking. To busy falling into the Jade depths of Seifer's eyes I hardly hear him until he announces, "Now in lue of the usual vows these two have written their own, which they will now say." He stepped into the background as if to give us center stage, but neither Seifer or I turned to face our audience. They were hear to witness our wedding, yes, but they were not part of it. It was a vow and a story we were making to ourselves.

I glanced down at the earth under the archway were, even if there was no marker, I knew Zell lay, then returned my gaze to Seifer. "About a year ago a very good friend of ours did such a thing of bravery as we have never seen before, even with out battle experience. I was on the brink of death with cancer and Zell, god knows he loved me, never was any good at lying, still found it in his hear to let me go so I could be with you. And through his pain he wished me only greater happiness, there is no greater show of faith." I stopped then, wet my lips and waited Seifer to start his part.

He lifted a hand to brush away my hair from my face before he began, "After he left you Zell ran out into the street. I don't think he meant to commit suicide, but the truck did kill him and if it hadn't been for his body and it's compatibility with yours, you would have never been able to beat back the cancer and we wouldn't have a second chance to be together. There is no greater show of hope."

Another pause, this next part was meant to be said together. By now even Sefier was looking a little misty eyed. For al his bravado he had a heart, a big one, with room enough for me. "Before he died our friend, Zell Dincht said something that helped both to ease our grief and encouraged the future admission or our feelings. It was simply, 'True love cannot be made to exist where it truly doesn't, and cannot be denied where it truly does.'" He learned that from one of the books I showed him. "There is no greater show of love. Together we will be strong and faithful to only each other forever, kept always in awe by the power of these memories," we finished at last, slipping identical silver wedding bands on each other's ring fingers. Maybe the priest went on to declare us husbands after that, but I didn't hear him. All I knew was Seifer.

I stepped forward into his warm secure embrace, my heart and home, leaning into his touch as he wiped the tears from my eyes. "I love you Seifer." I whispered so that only he could hear. Really it was the first time I'd ever admitted love to anyone, I always believed that action were more powerful and believable than any words. Just then however, I knew those words were just as true as any action. Tears really threatening t fall from my 'tough guy' husband at that remark he pulled me closer and whispered, "I love you too Squall," before brining our lips together for our first kiss as a married couple. As long as I live I'll never forget that kiss. His arms cradling my body, hand at the base of my neck, my grip on his shirt and the feel of his hair on my fingers, the feel of his tongue sliding against mine. In that moment, with those sollom memories, and Seifer and I almost pushing 'into' each other I knew what it truly was to love, and I will never ever forget it.