Magnetic Enterprises

Summary: All that talk about magnets, and look how far it finally gets Jack.

Season: six because Jonas is in it.

Spoilers: none, zero, zilch, nada, zip,

Category: Humor/Action (mostly humor)

Disclaimer: Wait…let me check….damn, I still don't own it. Nope…not mine.

Author's note: There's quite a bit to this story, but I have several pieces of it, and no transitions. It took me forever to work out the beginning, I already know how it is going to end, and the middle is most of the way done. Now if I could just figure out how in the hell I am going to connect the three, then I'll be on my way. So I will post as I go, trying to get the complete version up within a reasonable amount of time. Enjoy!

Chapter one: Getting off the ramp

"General Hammond, its SG-1 returning sir." Davis sat in his worn down chair at the consoles to control the Stargate.

"Open the iris Sergeant. It's about damn time they came back, they're fifteen hours overdue." Hammond said rather annoyed. Just for once, he'd like to see SG-1 return on time. Most of the other teams at least made an effort to check in if they were going to be late coming home. The Colonel didn't even bother anymore.

The iris opened, and for a few moments no one emerged from the gate. The General was about to hit the panic button when SG-1came through. But it was the WAY they had come through the gate that had Hammond concerned. As the team emerged, they were walking right next to each other…literally. Each member of the team was touching the next member, and they were shoulder to shoulder. Except that there was a measurable space between Jonas and Teal'c that never got smaller. When they exited the gate and came onto the ramp, Sg-1 stopped…and didn't move. It was like they were stuck to the ramp. The General bolted down the steps and into the gate room prepared to give them a good ass-chewing for not checking in on time.

"UH General?!" O'Neill shouted as his CO came flying through the gate room in a flush. "I realize that we're extremely late, AGAIN, but there is a reasonable explanation!" He felt Jonas turn his head and look in his direction.

"There had better be Colonel, you are more than fifteen hours late, and frankly, I'm getting damned tired of it. Why do you insist on giving me a coronary every time you go through that gate? And why are you all standing like that?" Hammond made a sweeping motion with his hand at the rest of the team as he got in Jack's face.

The Colonel was on the end, to Hammond's right side. Next was Jonas who kept getting glared at by the Colonel. Teal'c was on the other side of Jonas, and Sam was on the other end.

"Sir, I know you are upset, just hear me out." Jack started in again. "P2R- 687 was a friendly planet. We were not harmed, and in fact, I think we might have made another ally. It's just that their atmosphere was a bit different than we are used to here on earth."

"What do you mean by that Colonel?" Hammond was starting to relax, just knowing his flagship team was safe. He was also aware, that all of the sudden, there seemed to be a lot of other SGC personnel surrounding him and getting closer by the second. He knew that it was just the defensive unit that had been standing by when SG-1 returned, but why were they getting so damned close? He turned around and gave the marine Captain a questioning look.

"Hold on a minute Colonel. Captain, what in the hell are you and your team doing? I'm sorry if I didn't give the order to stand down, but how long have you been doing this? What is your problem? Can't you see that everything is okay? I think the situation is under control, why are you still moving closer?" Hammond was beginning to get a headache.

"General Hammond sir, if you'll notice, you yourself are getting closer to SG-1 as well. We don't know what it is sir, but we are not doing it on purpose. Something is pulling us." The Captain was right. Hammond looked down, and he was indeed standing pretty close to Colonel O'Neill. He turned back to the Colonel.

"Magnets Sir." Jack started in again, pretty certain that Sam was on the other end rolling her eyes at him. "We have all been zapped by giant magnets. And it won't be wearing off anytime soon." Wincing with the effort, Jack managed to pry his hand off of his P-90. As he did, General Hammond's tie rose up and stood straight out. Hammond looked down, and saw that his tie clip was sliding down the length of his tie. With an excellent impression of a goldfish, he watched as it left his tie, and ended up in O'Neill's outstretched hand. Then, the metals on his uniform shirt pulled towards Jack, and Hammond had to put his hand over them to keep them from flying off of his shirt. He even felt his belt buckle tug on his trousers.

Now everyone noticed as things were starting to gravitate towards SG-1. The fifty calibers started sliding on their tripods, scraping the cement floor with a teeth-grinding squeal, and once they hit the ramp they started to tip over. The defense team got to them in time, but it took extra effort. Sam watched as the doors to the circuit breaker boxes flew open with a metallic clang! She jumped in where the Colonel had left off.

"General Sir, P2R-687 has a completely different spectrum of electromagnetic energy than we have ever encountered before. The aliens were very advanced, but in order for us to be able to interact with them, we had to be kept isolated. They thrive on the EM fields for their food, and energy sources. They do not use crystals like the Goa'uld or electricity like us. But the way it was explained to us, was if we were to come in contact with any of them, or be left on our own to explore, they would become sick from the different form of energy that we naturally emit. The aliens were called the Cequarish, and they are very accustomed to having visitors from other planets. So they were very willing to share information about themselves in exchange for information about us. They even had a holding facility, for lack of better words, already set up for any visitors that may come through the gate. The best part is, they are sworn enemies against the Goa'uld. Even though it did take some convincing as far as Teal'c was concerned, but no matter, they accepted him as one of us."

Sam felt like a kid that had just discovered toys under the Christmas tree. She just knew that the Colonel was at the other end rolling his eyes at her, but she didn't care. She continued on anyway.

"We were, to put it simply, magnetized sir. The Cequarish race naturally emit a form of energy that is entirely foreign to anything we have ever seen, and vice versa with us. Our body energy was completely foreign to them as well. But the thing is General, they were prepared for the differences, and they were completely willing to share information about themselves and their technology. But we had to undergo a …uh…magnetization if you will, so that we wouldn't get sick, and they would be safe from us too. Think of it like when a deep sea diver must be pressurized before he can go out into extreme depths."

"The Cequarish are even willing to arrange for trade, but any exchange is going to be extremely difficult, and will have to be monitored very carefully." Jonas added as he watched everyone keep taking steps back because they were being pulled towards the team.

"Well, fair enough. But what do we do about this current …uh…situation?" Hammond said as he put his hand over his belt buckle to keep it attached to his pants. The amused look from Jack didn't go unnoticed.

"Uh, sir? I recommend removing everything metal from the gate room until we figure out a way to un-stick ourselves from the ramp...and our weapons, and our…umf…gear. And as far as why we're standing like this? The aliens had to adjust the polarity of the rooms that we were all being held in so that we would stay on the ground. They don't have gravity sir, it's artificially made. So Carter and I must have been grounded in one room, and Jonas and Teal'c must have been grounded in the other."

Now it was Sam's turn to do her goldfish impression. She couldn't believe the Colonel had just spouted that off. Apparently, neither could anyone else. Everyone was just looking at O'Neill, and then at Sam, expecting further explanation or instruction or anything.

Jonas jumped in

"You see sir, Colonel O'Neill and I are stuck together, because we were in oppositely charged rooms. One is positive, and one is negative, although I'm not sure which one got which. But if you'll notice, Teal'c and I can't touch. It's like trying to touch two positive magnets together, and they repel each other. The same for Major Carter and the Colonel. If they try to touch, the magnetic fields surrounding them repel each other. But Major Carter theorizes that she and Teal'c are stuck together because of the Naquadah in their systems, which enhances the attraction of the magnetic fields." Jonas stopped to take a breath.

"Well at least we don't have to worry about the regs." Hammond interrupted, looking from the Colonel to the Major. Jonas continued on.

"We were warned that the effects would carry on even after we got back to Earth, but according to the Cequarish, the magnetization should only last about three days, and then our bodies will return to normal."

The General was thoughtful for a moment, and after a bit, started bellowing out orders.

"I want everything out of this gate room now, except the fifty cals which I want temporarily bolted down to the floor, and all of SG-1's gear. Take off everything that has metal in it, and anyone coming into this room will be in their PT uniforms, until we can figure out what to do to get SG-1 off the gate ramp. The last thing I need is little flying objects that could potentially be dangerous."

The defensive unit started initiating the orders, and Hammond turned back to the team.

"Sg-1, I would tell you to stand down, but that would be just a little redundant. So after they finish clearing the gate room, we are all going to change clothes so that we can help you get your gear off, and hopefully get you off the ramp somehow. Then we are going to talk about further trade negotiations with our new friends. I don't know how Dr. Frasier is going to conduct her post mission physicals, hell everything in that infirmary has got metal in it somewhere. Well, I will leave that up to her, but I just wanted to let you know, that she will be by as well." The General turned around to go and change his clothes.

"Fine sir, we'll just wait here!" Jack called after Hammond, and turned his head to look down the line at the rest of the team. "It's a good thing we don't need an MRI."

Jonas looked perplexed, Carter sniggered, and Teal'c just raised an eyebrow.

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