Yugi's Secrets: [entry 2 | Crimson Jaded] :
a sub entry part two
by Ravenous
Note: Here you go, a sub-entry of chapter two. @@;; its kinda confusing and dark I know---I have been getting a lot of shit lately and its affecting my writing ;;
---+---
2 January | 1 in the afternoon
MORNING AFTER
"Yugi, Yugi---are you alright? Thank goodness you are awake"
Today I found myself somewhere else. I woke up seeing Anzu's worried face, and a
room that I didn't recognize. She explained soon enough that I was being
confined in the hospital for the time being.
I was shocked, I remembered dragging my battered psyche and body to the shower
after writing my previous entry. But other than that, everything was vague. Anzu
told me in detail that she was worried when I left and followed me home. She
became MORE worried that I didn't answer the door and that a particular window
near my room is alarmingly seeping with moist and steam. Needless to say, she
called for help and Honda followed suit, breaking through the house and into my
room. She claimed, that they found me in such a sorry state--I was half-naked
and barely conscious at the bathroom floor. The mirror in there was smashed.
I reassured Anzu that I was just so exhausted that night that I fainted. "Its
nothing, Anzu---its nothing to worry about. Really." I felt like the world's
greatest liar to even force my usual bright smile. She shouldn't know what I
dilemma I'm into right now. It's my own problem that I should solve it alone. I
have to pretend nothing is wrong. But she didn't brought it, she gazed achingly
to my arms.
It was just then I noticed that my wrists were secured with gauzes. What
happened? I asked. How did I get hurt, How did I get these cuts? Is it the
smashed mirror, was it an accident?
She shooked her head, she told me that the way the doctors had looked on it,
they said it was no accident---it looked intentional. They found large shards of
glass held tightly in my bleeding palms. Some were found horrifyingly wedged
against my wrists, that they had to stitch me, And if Honda didn't help Anzu
break the bathroom door in time, I could have bleed to death.
If I really did tried to attempt suicide, how come I didn't remember doing it? I
figured the answer myself. Anyone under severe emotional state undergoes a
temporary blind rage that leads them to do the unthinkable. I recalled that I
was so cocooned in my thoughts about last night's event before I went in the
shower...
Jou....
I wasn't able to ask Anzu on whereabouts of Jounouchi. She told me that what is
important now is I get myself some rest, not to worry and talk tomorrow---if I
ever feel like talking that is. I nodded mutely, and sank back to the pillow
with a heavy sigh. Before she left, she motioned that she will be leaving my
journal beside the table near me. Just in case I feel lonely she brought it so I
can write my entries like I usually do.
I find it difficult to write. My arm and hands still hurt because of
self-inflicted injuries, and the stitches were still raw. But as soon as I let
my thoughts out to writing, I seem to have forget that. All that was left in me
is pain. My overwhelming conscience have taken me over, and almost have cost my
life. Because of it, I'm temporary disqualified in the tournament. I don't know
what Yami would do in my situation---he couldn't be present without the thing
around my neck. I never realized how cumbersome and heavy it is until I entered
this point of depression. When he started 'talking' in my head last night, I
recalled hurling the important object to the wall---I can't believe how this
sense of guilt is consuming me---
Hold it, I can hear the voices of my friends outside beyond the door. I'll try
to stand and tiptoe if I can and listen to their conversation. I have a bad
feeling about this. I must know
---+---
January 2 | 4 pm
How many times did I fainted today? Honestly, I don't know either.
I woke up again in the hospital. But not in the same room--- a nurse that found
me awake at last told me that I was moved to a private area 'under critical
observation where I shall take proper therapy' Proper therapy from what? I must
have blacked out again---for all I remember was going to the door and listening
to the conversation.
"You poor kid, you really didn't remember anything did you?" the nurse sighed.
I later learned that according to the witnesses and my friends, I threw an angry
uncontrollable rage upon learning that they haven't figured the whereabouts of
Jounouchi. The other bad news is that we might be disqualified at the tournament
at this rate. The people thought THAT might be the reason that ticked me
off---after all, winning the tournament is very important to me. But it
isn't---its Jounouchi.
God, how can I leave him at the hand of that merciless bastard? When I slowly
remembered what happened to the corridor, I started to cry. I knew what happened
that night after the carnival festivities and yet I didn't say anything. I saw
some heartless monster abusing Jou and yet all I did was watch----then ran away.
But somewhere between watching and running away, I did the utmost embarrassment
of my whole life---I get secretly turned on by the lascivious act forced upon
him. The person I grew fond being with, the one I respected, the one I
cared--the one I loved so dearly with all my heart---it all went down the drain.
I feared I have come to realized my dark side and sick fantasy after our 'break
up'---and yes, we I said 'dark side' this time I'm not referring to Yami here. I
hold it this far, and I cannot take it anymore. That could have been the reason
why I lost it---the nurse claimed it took four medical attendants to pin me down
and inject me with tranquilization shots to calm my nerves. My violent reaction
have greatly disturbed everyone, and I was suggested to take psychiatric
evaluation soon after I'm fully recuperated.
No damn way I'm going to some therapy! I shouted. This is all a
misunderstanding, I explained in half-truth that I got severely upset on
Jounouchi's disappearance. But apparently a suicide attempt and a violent rage
is MORE than being upset. I know its better if I told them the truth than keep
it to myself---but it's the guilt that is holding me back. What will they do if
they know?
It's no big deal Yugi, almost everyone knows you two HAVE been lovers. It was
you yourself that said that you just love him simply because you were in love,
no more no less. But what if its beyond love? I don't know that my break-up with
him have affected me greatly. The love then rejected turned to yearning, that
yearning to obsession, that obsession to lust. Even how much I suppress it, I
know deep within myself that I craved more than his touch.
All this is very confusing. I'm slowly dying inside, and yet its my conscience that's holding me back to tell everything. I must do something---I have to, before its too late for me---and Jounouchi
I must find him
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to be continued in entry 3