Disclaimers: Since I own a turtle, I think it's safe to say that I own everything connected with Pirates of the Caribbean.... ::notices the looks that lawyers are giving her:: Ok, maybe not then.

SUMMARY: The War has begun, but the turtles can't take sides. What war? you ask, and what turtles? Why, the war of the Mary Sues. And the turtles are old friends of Captain Jack Sparrow. Dear Buddha, child! Where have YOU been?

Author's Note: Yoness, my little flowery filling followers. How are you?! I'm great thanxz for asking. Oh, you were wondering about the FIC? I see. Um... well. I'm not really sure what I was smoking when I wrote this, so don't ask me. I just hit by the idea, and I er... just wrote it. I'm not used to writing humor fics (My only other ones are joint ones), so, just bear with me.

Ok. Now that that's settled, on to the story!!

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They were here.

Millions of them. Hordes of them. Barrels of them. All of them, filling into Port Royal as if they belonged there.Many of them were sailing in on boats, others were swimming. Later, a few eye witnesses said that they saw a few of them flying in. But however they got there, and whatever the reason, everyone knew that Port Royal as they knew it, would be forever changed.

The Mary Sues had arrived.

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At the time of their arrival, our favorite heroes, Will Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow, had been working on The Black Pearl, shirts off as the hot sun beat down upon their necks and backs. (::SEMI NAKED JOHNNY, SEMI NAKED JOHNNY!::) They had no idea of the events that were happening, just outside the ship.

"Jack," Will said as he swiped at his sweaty forehead. "You do realize that it's about a hundred degrees outside, right?" Jack just nodded his head as he ducked under one of the lifeboats. Seeing this, Will continued. "So then why are we doing back-breaking work in the hot sun, when we could be doing other stuff, such as eating or drinking or-" Jack cut him off.

"Or visiting yer bonny lass Elizabeth Swann? Aye," he said, with a nod of his head, "we could do either of those things. But we could also finish working on this here boat, so that I can be out of Port Royal before Norrington comes to arrest me."

Will stopped working, and put a hand to his chest in mock indignation. "I would never think of leaving The Black Pearl for a walk with Elizabeth. What do you think, I am? Some kind of deserter?"

Jack rolled his eyes as he worked a rope around the lifeboat. "And who do ye think I am? The queen of England?" He got a wistful look on his face for a moment, but shook it off as continued with the boat. "Save it, boy, for when you get hanged for Norrington for being an accomplice in... Just save it."

Will opened his mouth to respond, the look of forged ire still upon his features, but he was again cut off. Only this time, it was by voices coming from outside the ship.

"Yes, well, my brother, Frederick, had an incurable disease," a light-hearted female voice said, not sounded the least bit perturbed. "And the only one who could save him, was this shaman who lived deep in the heart of the Egyptian Desert. So, I, of course, went in search for him, to save my poor baby brother. I found him, and now my little Freddie is all better. In fact, he just started school in the beginning of this year."

"Oh, Adeline, that is so amazing," another female answered, this time her voice deep and melodic. "Only, not as amazing as my having to learn to Captain a ship during the middle of a hurricane, so as to get all the hurt crew safely home. I was six at the time, and my head barely reached over the wheel."

"Oh my, Georgia. That certainly is incredible. But, I must say, not as incredible as having four published books by the age of eleven. They were written under a male pseudonym though." Here the woman let out a dreamy little sigh. "I wrote them as William Turner. Isn't he just to die for?"

Hearing his name, Will looked up from his post at the other side of the lifeboat, the piece of rope stilled in his hand. Who were these woman, and why were they saying his name with dreamy little sighs? He looked over the boat to Jack, and saw that he too was surprised.

"Are you kidding, Jasmine?" A genuinely indignant woman asked. "Certainly Captain Jack Sparrow is much better looking than Will. What with his dark hair and eyes, and dashing figure. I think all that writing has gone to your head."

Another sigh went up between the woman, yet they were interrupted by the aforementioned Jasmine. "Are you inane, Courtney? William is so much better than Jack. He's smart, good looking, and so gifted. And," she finished with a secretive air to her words. "He has a great butt."

"Oh my Gosh!" A shy and reserved voice shot up, at the same time that Jack let out a great guffaw. Will would have smacked Jack, had he not heard what the second woman replied with. "But it's so lumpy! Not that I've been looking," she hastened to assure all of the other women. "But most defiantly Jack's is better."

Jack stopped laughing long enough to give Will a smug look. But once he looked over to the place that Will was only a second ago, he saw only air. He looked farther up, and saw his retreating back heading towards to dock. He scurried over to him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jack said hauntingly. "I remember this time in Singapore. I heard things just like this." He shuddered. "I warn ye not to go out there."

Will just rolled his eyes and continued along the deck to the dock, not taking heed to Jack's words. He had probably been drunk at the time anyway. But, as he walked onto the deck, he wished that he had listened to him.

For as soon as he took one step onto the dock, a cry went up, and many, many, many beautiful women let up a cry, and charged towards him. Hoping to get away from them -he had Elizabeth, after all- he turned around and started to run....

......And landed smack dab in the middle of Captain Jack Sparrow's chest. They both fell down, Will landing on top of Jack.

"Owch," Jack muttered as Will hurried to get up. "Yer bloody heavy. Wouldn't think that from the thinness of ye though. Bloody illusions. They're always out to get you." He noticed that Will was almost to the cabin of The Black Pearl. "Hey! Wait fer me!" He got up and ran to the cabin. He got there just as Will was about to shut the door. "Don't even think about it!" He yelled as he jumped into the room. He shut the door in one swift motion, locked it, and landed in a heap on the floor in front of the door.

After a few moments of heavy breathing on both their parts, Will let out a shaking breath and said slowly, "Who were those women?"

Jack sadly, shaking his head at Will. "They're the same women I met years ago, at Singapore, thought not the same patch." He glared at Will. "I told ye not to go out there! But do ye listen to me? No, of course not! No one listens to the pirate."

For what felt like the millionth time that day, Will rolled his eyes. "That made absolutely no sense, Jack. Listen to a pirate? Right." He looked harder at Jack. "Now, tell me. Who were those women? Not pirates, I suppose. One said that she was a writer."

"Oh no, mate," Jack said, sighing slightly. "They're not pirates. Not even a pirate would be that persistent, that annoying." He swallowed. "On no. They're much worse. They're Mary Sues."

"Mary whats? Jack, I don't understand."

"Mary Sues, boy. They're beautiful, annoying, fan girls that follow you around everywhere, as they remark about how much they love you." He shuddered. "Bloody Satan, is what they are."

Will was about to answer, a confused look on his face, when, suddenly, the door Jack was leaning about gave a mighty shake, pushing Jack forwards a few steps. A second later, it happened again.

"Bloody Hell!" Jack said, for once getting out of character (::cough:: Once ::cough::). "They're trying to break down the door!"

"Ahh!" Will yelled, his voice coarse with fright. He jumped over to the door, pushing is closed with all his might. Jack did the same next to him. "We can't let them get in here! Who knows what they'll do!?"

"Probably rape us," Jack said sadly. He pushed harder upon the door as it gave another shudder, opening up a bit around the edges.

"Dear God, no!"

"Right, mate. So that's why we gotta make sure that this door holds. We don't want to get raped by beautiful women that love us and will do anything to have us. WE MUST MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN!"

"I won't! I promise!"

"Great! Now, help me hold this door down! We don't want them to get in here!"

Just after Jack said this, the door gave another great tremble, almost sending both Will and Jack tumbling. No words were spoken as they both scurried to get against the door again, but the same thing was on their minds.

They were trapped.

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Wow. That took me all of an hour to write. I feel so sad and depressed and all that good stuff. I think I need a Vanilla Coke fill to help me get back to normal..... though, I've never really been normal. See how tiring my world is?

No, I hadn't thought so.

Anyhoo. Ima go. What'd ya think of it? Should I continue? Should I just stop writing? Humor fics, or in general? I MUST HAVE THESE ANSWERS NOW!!! ARGHHHHH!!

Oh! Duuuuude! I almost forgot. I need people to be Mary Sues. Actually, what I mean is, I need people to tell me info, and write a short little amazing story for a Mary Sue. I also REALLY need one for Jack to fall in lurve with. So yea.

Shalom.

Melissa