Disclaimer: I own a printed-out picture of Jack Sparrow. Thus, I own everything connected to Pirates of the Caribbean! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::cough:: ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GOD!!!! ::lightning flashes:: o.0 Oooooooh, purdyful.

No caffeine was harmed in the writing of this fic.

Summary: The War has begun, but the turtles can't take sides. What war? you ask, and what turtles? Why, the war of the Mary Sues. And the turtles are old friends of Captain Jack Sparrow. Dear Buddha, child! Where have YOU been?

Summary for this Chapter: Um.... special stuff happens. Jack, somehow, gets drunk. Will and him play Truth or Dare. Jack gets Will pregnant... Duuuuuuude. I dunno what's gonna happen. I'm just the author. I'M NOT GOD! ::looks at Disclaimer:: Crap. I really gotta stop doing that.

Author's Notes: Yoness, my homie G-Strings! Didn't you just luuuuuuurve my first chapter? Even though there were more than a few grammatical errors? OMG! YOU GUYS ROCK MY SOCK! Anyhoo. I'm home sick again today, so I guess I'll write you another chappy.

And thanxz to everyone who reviewed!

Right-o then. On to the next chappy.

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"Oh my, Louise. That little old man stole your house, your carriage, your boat, and your surprisingly non-heterosexual husband? What ever did you do?" One Mary Sue named Annabelle asked, her voice awed. She chose at this time to listen, saving her life-altering story for later.

"You know, Annie," Louise answered, her slight Scottish brogue sliding into her words. "At first, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was marooned on a small island -did I fail to mention that earlier?- with only my ex-husband's gun and my make-up. It was very trying. Especially since my blush was all wet from my swimming. But it was so easy how to get off the island, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it sooner."

"Oh, c'mon, lass!" One Mary Sue who's name was, coincidentally, Lass. She sat crossed-legged in front of Louise, her long legs folded perfectly, as she twirled around her finger a piece of lavender hair. (::Tankie Tankie, Beads!::) "Ye must tell me 'xactly how you managed this one. It migh' come in handy fer me, as Ima captain." She gloated. "And the best damn ca'pin in all the sea!"

"Well, alright, Lass dear. If you insist, I'll tell you." She took a perfectly calculated breath so as not to mess up her make-up. "I chopped down all of the trees on the island -not even breaking a nail, mind you- made a raft, tied it together with seaweed, and sailed all of the one hundred miles to the nearest port. My little dolphin friends helped me get along. It was rather easy, actually."

Next to her, one Sue named Sylvara blinked. (::And Tankie Tankie to you too, Reasonably crazy!::) "That's so ingenious, Louise! Yet I'm almost certain that I wouldn't come up with that." She pouted her very full lips. "My little conflict was so much easier to solve."

Her interest piqued, Lass looked carefully at Sylvara. "And wha', pray tell, did you do, Sylvara? Must be summat pretty amazin' if you got that pretty dress."

Sylvara had the graciousness to blush. "Well. One day, while walking in the woods, I came upon a helpless unicorn. It was in some kind of magiked trap. I worked for days with no food or water. I tried to free the beautiful creature, often in peril of my own life, as the evil mage who had set up the trap tried again and again to retrieve his prize. After battling him off and finally freeing the Unicorn, He showed his gratitude by leading me to the secret place of the Elves. As it turned out, the Unicorn was their sacred creature, and to show their gratefulness for freeing him, they made me a royal priestess. After a few years, I felt I needed to move on, and now all I have left of their kindness is memories, clothes, and magical jewelry."

All the Sues around her blinked, and slowly inched away from her.

"Riiiiiight," Lass said, as she looked into Sylvara's dazzling blue-green eyes with her own brown ones (::Cough:: Lavender hair and brown eyes?::). "Couldn't you just tell something truthful, like getting forced to live in some evil over-lords' castle, or living in a poor country-side, having to farm for your own food or something? Something normal? Next time don't try so hard, savvy?"

"But I wasn't lying!" Sylvara cried indignantly, jumping up to her full five foot seven inches as she did so. She looked around wildly at the other Sues, blinking her long-lashed eyes fiercely as she tried to hold back tears. She noticed that all two thousand of the Sues were looking at her with blank expressions. "I'm telling the truth! Besides! I don't have the most unbelievable story here! Just ask her," here she pointed to a very pretty Sue that seemed to be glowing, "for hers!"

"What?" The sparkling Sue asked as all eyes switched from Sylvara to her. "I'm just some magical being that can switch into a Unicorn. A mentally deranged one, but a Unicorn all the same." All the Sues seemed to take this without thinking, and switched their eyes back to Sylvara.

In return, Sylvara gasped. "You don't tell me that you believe her story, and not mine!? But that's preposterous! You won't consider my helping a Unicorn, but you're accept her believing she's a Unicorn? You are all insane!"

"Looks like someone climbed up the crazy tree as a child," one Sue named Jane remarked, as her short, spiked blonde hair swayed slightly in the breeze, "and hit every branch on the way down."

"So true, Jane-Jane," another Sue by the name of Nicole responded with a nod of her head. She was wearing a crown of roses, her being the nature-loving Sue that she was. "I think she should seek 'special' help."

"And we should be the one to give it to her!" Lass yelled, punching her fist up in the air. "Savvy!?"

"Aye!" All the other Sues called back. All of them rushed along the deck of the Black Pearl towards Sylvara, and pounced upon her, creating a Sue dog-pile. A Mary Sue cat-fight ensued.

Meanwhile, back in the cabin, Will and Jack listened to the steadily growing fight.

They were both still against the door, even though the Sues had long since given up trying to knock down the door. Instead, they chose to sit around and 'regain their composure'. That was a few hours ago, and since Jack and Will had no worrying to do for their lives -at the moment anyway- they were just sitting around, listening to their stories.

"How many times have I told you I hate you?" Jack asked as a loud smack was heard just behind the door. Obviously, one of the Sues had just been body-smacked.

"I think we were up to two hundred thirty-eight."

"I hate you."

"Two hundred thirty-nine."

"Smarmy, two-faced, son of a-"

"Pirate?" Will asked hopefully. Jack sent him a glare. "Two hundred forty."

"WILL IS MINE!" One Sue shouted, just as a loud crack was heard. A succession of punches could be heard. "MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!"

"WHO BLOODY CARES ABOUT WILL?!" A different Sue answered back, presumably the one the previous Sue had been shouting at. "EVERYONE KNOWS JACK IS ONE FINE PIECE OF MALE ASS!"

A loud gasp went up just as the swear was done being said. All movement ceased beyond the door.

"René!" The self-appointed leader of the Sues, Alexandra, answered, sounding scandalized. "Did you forget rule number Four hundred forty-six of the Mary Sue Code? 'Never, ever, even if you are being held captive on a remote island where every word is a swear, cuss. Sues don't curse!' Just for that, you are kicked off this ship, and removed of your Mary Sueness."

René didn't move. "But it... it.. just came out! I.. I ... d-didn't mean it. Please don't m-make me leave! PLEASE!"

"I'm sorry, René. But it is part of the Code. We must abide by the Code." There was a sigh. "Now. OUT."

René let out a very loud wail, and sunk to the floor. "P-please, Al-alexandra! It will n-never happen agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!"

Alexandra turned her head away. "I really don't want to do this. Don't make me get the Mother."

"N-no, any-anything but that!"'

"Good. Now. Get off this ship!"

René let out a blubber, yet got up off of the deck, and walked slowly off of the ship. It seemed like an hour before anything happened again.

"Bloody Hell," Jack said slowly as the Sues went to clean up the mess they had made on the deck.

"Indeed."

Jack turned his head swiftly towards Will. "Did you jus' say indeed?" Will just nodded. "Yer gettin' weirder by the day, boy."

Will shrugged. "Comes with the territory."

Jack nodded his head thoughtfully. "I see."

Will opened his mouth to respond, when a loud cheer went up from the Sues. Will and Jack exchanged glances, silently wondering what was going on. A moment passed between them.

"Well, aren't ye gonna check and see what's goin' on?"

"Me?" Will asked incredulously. "Why not you? Why is it always me?"

"'Cause yer younger than me. Can withstand more."

Will glared at Jack, all the while muttering, "Bloody Pirate,". He quietly got up of the ground, all the while noting how Jack slid off of the door. He unlocked the door, and slowly, ever do slowly, opened it. What he saw made him sink to the floor in shock.

"Hey," Jack said as he quickly relocked and closed the door. He waved a hand in front of Will's face. "Will. Whas' wrong? What'd ya see?"

Will just shook his head, still surprised. It took him a moment to realize where he was.

"Mate?"

"They've got her."

"Who's got who. The Mary Sues? Who do they have? Not Norrington, I hope."

"I said her, dimwit," Will answered, his poise back.

"I know."

Will rolled his eyes. "No, Jack. They don't have Norrington. Instead, they have..." He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"C'mon boy, who'd they have? Don't make me smack you."

Will swallowed again. "They have Elizabeth."

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Dun Dun Dun! Whatever will Will do? Muwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm so evil. Well, ok. Not really. But still. Don't take away my dream, man!

So, what'd ya think? I don't think I mentioned this, but Jack and Will were shirtless the entire time. ^_~ Thought you might like that. HeHe.

Anyhoo. There wasn't a lot of Will/Jack in this chapter. But there will be in the next one. HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!

Well. I still need more Mary Sues. I need a new Self-Appointed leader, as... well. You'll just need to wait for the next chapter to see why. And I'm not sure who's gonna be the one Jack falls in love... lust... lurve with. So, yea.

As of now, my favorite Sue is Lass. Don't know why though, just is. Who's yours?

Well, I gotsta go.

Shalom. ::Wave::

Melissa