Author's Note: This is just a scene between Sirius and James, with a little MacGonagal thrown in for balance. Also, it has the scene in Dumbledore's office. And a few miscellaneous stuff that had nowhere else to go but serves some point.
Sirius left the dungeon and took himself for a walk. He didn't quite know what to do with himself now that he could go about freely. For a moment, he considered going to see Remus but changed his mind. If he was talking to his friend, Giles, he probably wouldn't want an older friend to interrupt them.
And he didn't know how to deal with James.
He knew that his friend was still the same person, but Azkaban had changed him. What if James no longer wanted to be around him? Though he didn't betray them as secret keeper, he had betrayed them both. With a sigh, he sat in front of the lake and stared at its glassy surface. If his confidence hadn't been broken, may be none of this would've happened.
Harry wouldn't have grown up expecting to carry the world on his shoulders. Strong as he was, he was still just a child. A child he was not allowed to be because of cowards like him.
His own view would not be as tarnished as it was now. The Snapes would still be the very embodiment of evil. Voldemort would be the boogie man children feared. James and Lily would be alive and well, even if they had to be in hiding. Albus would remain a kindly, slightly befuddled headmaster that he admired.
"Of all the words ever created, two of the saddest are 'if only'." A voice mused softly to his tight, "Sirius, why are you out here all alone? James is looking for you, waiting for you where he has always waited."
He looked up into the kind eyes of Professor MacGonagal, "I don't know."
Sitting by him, she looked at him and he was forced to turn away from that penetrating study. "Are you afraid?"
Sirius almost scoffed, but couldn't. What was the point in hiding behind bluster? Of course he was afraid.
"You know him. Do you really think so little of him that you would hide away from him?" Squeezing his arm, she waited for his answer.
They sat in silence for a long time before he spoke. "I killed them, you know."
Though shocked, she was silent.
"What? No words about how I wasn't to blame?" He mocked, "Headmaster Dumbledore is of the opinion that I take to much of the blame upon myself."
"And he is right," her words were quiet. "But only you can decide and accept it."
"I was chosen to be their secret keeper. It was my responsibility, my privilege. A privilege I did not feel worthy of. I might as well have cast the avada kedavra on them." He muttered bitterly, wiping away tears.
"Since when have you known all things, Sirius?" An amused, sorrowful voice asked.
He jumped up, startled. Behind them stood James Potter, a question in his blue eyes.
"What? No words to say?" He gently mocked his friend's silence.
"What is there to say? I betrayed you." He chocked on the words, feeling it was to soon for this confrontation. When his friend had first come, it was too chaotic. Then he had taken off to watch Septina Snape and they had never really spent time together.
"No. Peter betrayed us. You were merely being human and he worked on that. We don't blame you for what happened. Harry doesn't blame you. So, why do you blame yourself?" He asked, "unless you had some foreknowledge and deliberately planned this, you had no part in it. I'm asking you as a friend to let go of the blame. There is enough to go around but you are the only one who refuses to see that we don't blame you."
"I can't."
"And you always said I was the stubborn one," he muttered.
"This isn't a joke, James!"
The blue eyes hardened, "I never said it was. But, Sirius, you are being terribly ridiculous about this. You could not know, no one could know, what was to come. You made a choice. It was our choice to agree or disagree with you. We agreed, though we did not like it. The reasons you gave were sound and we wanted Harry safe. Left it go."
"Don't you think I want to? But have to get up every day and see Harry. I hear how he's treated by his relatives and know that if I had done right by you, he would not be subjected to it." His voice rose in frustration as he stared at his friend.
"Can you guarantee that?" The words came out colder than James intended but they had to be said. "Can you put it down in writing and know that what is written will remain true?"
"Of course not, Prongs."
"Then how do you know that this wasn't the best way? How do you know that Harry wouldn't have a worse life if we had a few more years together? What if you had died and Voldemort had found our location? What if he'd gone to live with the Dursleys after having been loved and cared for by us? After learning of magic?"
His shoulders slumped, "I don't know."
"The past is over and done, Padfoot. Wondering what would be will only drive you crazy. Let it go." James pleaded, "let me rest at last."
"I don't know if I can."
"Just take it a day at a time, just one step at a time." Professor MacGonagal spoke from behind him, letting Sirius know that she was still there. "The rest will come, in time. You will never forget, but you will come to forgive."
It was silent in the field. James and Sirius just stared at each other, MacGonagal in the back ground. Rest would not come easily for some.
***
"Harry, I am disappointed in you."
"Why, sir?"
"Two weeks ago, you obeyed orders and left the school." His hand rose, stifling the protest that sprang to the boy's lips. "I know that you were with your mother. I also realize that she can protect you better than anyone else. But Harry, if someone had come to the same conclusion that Ms. Snape had tonight, the situation could've had a very different outcome. Please, in the future, show more common sense."
Harry bowed his head, shame coloring his cheeks. "I will try to, sir."
"Good. Now, that isn't the only reason I wanted you to stay behind. Sirius tells me that Voldemort wants Septina to gain your trust. In public, rebuff her attempts. There must be no mistaking her actions. Nor your own. I do not want her to get into trouble. But I do not want you to lose your life because you've given in. I realize that I made a serious mistake in letting you go to the Dursleys. It was the only solution I had to protect you from your fame."
"Don't worry about it, I understand." And he did.
"Please, don't excuse me. I should have been more attentive. There had to have been another way." Dumbledore sighed, feeling his years once again.
Harry gave him a moment, then cleared his throat. "Sir? What about my learning to control my mind? Neville said something about her teaching me."
The blue eyes blinked, "he did? Oh, that's right. In private, I want her to teach you how to control your mind. There must be a way to access this connection you have to the Dark Lord. I will arrange for you to have an entrance into Professor Snape's office that is keyed only to you. And no one else-not even someone using poly juice potion." He said this with a slight smile on his face, reminding Harry of his second year and their botched attempt at it. "I trust that you will mention this to no one-even those in your confidence. There is no way to be sure that the information would not be overheard by less friendly ears."
"Of course, but I don't like to lie to my friends."
"Harry, sometimes a lie is necessary to protect and save lives. Remember that." They sat in solemn silence for a moment thinking before Albus cleared his throat. "You'd best get back to your room. Do your part and I will see to it that Ms. Snape does hers. Oh, I want you to read this. As you can plainly see, it's the book Mr. Giles handed me, it might give you something that I lack the perspective to see right now."
"All right. Good night, sir." He accepted the book and walked to the door, pausing, "is there anyway I can help Draco?"
"I thought you didn't like him."
"I don't. But that doesn't mean I want to see him lost in darkness." He shrugged, "besides, Hermione sees something good in him and I don't want her hurt."
"Then may be you should be speaking to her," it was a gentle nudge.
"Right." Harry left and met up with Hermione waiting in the common room. She took one look at his face and held in her questions. "Hermione, can I help you with Draco?"
Chewing on her lip thoughtfully, she tilted her head to the side. Finally, she came to a decision. "Don't change how you act around him. If he suspects that you pity him or know what he's going through, I fear he'll shut down. The one thing he wants to be seen as is strong. He wants to be his own person, he's just a little lost right now. If he thinks you see him as anything but what you've always seen him as, he might just leave."
"I don't like it. But I understand." Flopping down on the couch, he pulled out the book the Headmaster gave him. "Why don't you read this with me? I could sure use your help."
"Why did Headmaster Dumbledore give you that?" She asked, sitting beside him.
He shrugged, "I guess he thought that I might get something out of it he missed. At least, I think that's what he said. In all honesty, I'm not quite sure. What with all the revelations flying around tonight, I wasn't paying close attention to him."
"I know. Can you believe that Professor Snape is Neville's uncle?"
"Yeah, how can that be true? You would think that he'd treat him better."
"Why are you speaking of things you know nothing about?" Neville asked, turning the chair he was in around. "My uncle treats me the way I asked him to."
"I don't get it. Why would you ask to be treated that way?" Hermione asked, puzzled.
Neville's dark head shook and he sighed, explaining softly, "the Dark Lord always finds a way to return. As long as his mark remains on the skin of his followers, so he remains. It was only a matter of time before he found someone foolish enough to help him. I knew and Uncle Severus knew it. What we did was create someone for him to approach, someone who wouldn't be seen as more than a buffoon. That is all I have to say for now. Don't ask more of me."
"Just one more thing, if you wouldn't mind." Harry asked.
"If you must." He replied, fear showing in his eyes. If he had to, he'd lie. But he would much prefer to be open and honest with them.
"Don't worry. It's nothing like that." The Gryffindor soothed, smothering a laugh. "Why is it that he your greatest fear?"
Neville couldn't help it. He laughed, loudly and hard. "Oh, wasn't that a trip? Uncle Severus couldn't stop laughing about it when he heard. Although in public, he had to be very offended. But he was my greatest fear, next to my grandmother. Until the end of third year, he was my mysterious, scary uncle. When grandmother got sick, he had to take care of me. I learned another side to him, he also explained a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, he does believe a lot of the things he says to me. There isn't much difference between the Professor Snape you know and my uncle. He just finds other, more appropriate ways to express himself when he doesn't have to be on show."
"And his sister?"
He became serious, his eyes clouded with confusion. "I don't know much about her. The night you defeated Voldemort for the first time, she disappeared. Professor Snape guards her memory like a leprechaun his golden horde. Now, you must keep quiet on the relationship that I share with the professor. It wouldn't do for the whole school to know."
"Of course we'll be silent. Who would believe us?"
"What about me?" Ron's voice came suddenly from the top of the stairs. "Why is it that none of you ever considered that I might be interested in what's going on in the world outside of Quidditch? And don't give me that orders crap, I heard enough to know that I am being left out of a few things and I'm sick of it! Talk to me."
"Join us, we'll give you the short version." Harry said, moving over so that Ron could join them.
Neville sighed and whispered something. At their curious looks, he shrugged at them. "I picked up a few things from the professor. One of them was to guard your area-which we should've done in the first place."
In as few words as possible, they brought Ron up to date on the comings and goings. He whistled, "I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. What happens now?"
Harry shrugged, "we play it by ear and hope nothing blows up in our face."
"Why did you come down?" Hermione asked, "I thought everyone was sleeping."
"I was but I remembered that I received a letter from Fred and George. They are coming for a visit and I thought that I should warn Harry before they arrived." Ron ended with a smile, "but I almost rethought that decision once I heard you talking about things that you've been doing without me."
"Well, I'm glad you changed your mind, Ron. I really appreciate the warning."
"But don't you think we ought to give Headmaster Dumbledore a warning?" Hermione asked, worried.
Neville smiled, getting to his feet. "I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he already knows. Not much goes on in this school that he doesn't know. Good night, guys. I wouldn't stay up much later-especially since your brothers are coming."
Ron laughed as the young man disappeared up the stairs. Turning to them, he gave them a questioning look. "What else did you leave out?"
Hermione shook her head, "I can't trust you on this situation. Good night, Ron. Harry."
"Nite, Hermione." They said, watching her leave.
"Was it something I said?" Ron asked, looking at Harry, worry in his eyes.
"No. More like something she'd fear you'd say." Harry murmured, pulling out a chess set. "Want to play? I'm not tired yet."
With a shrug, Ron complied.
Sirius left the dungeon and took himself for a walk. He didn't quite know what to do with himself now that he could go about freely. For a moment, he considered going to see Remus but changed his mind. If he was talking to his friend, Giles, he probably wouldn't want an older friend to interrupt them.
And he didn't know how to deal with James.
He knew that his friend was still the same person, but Azkaban had changed him. What if James no longer wanted to be around him? Though he didn't betray them as secret keeper, he had betrayed them both. With a sigh, he sat in front of the lake and stared at its glassy surface. If his confidence hadn't been broken, may be none of this would've happened.
Harry wouldn't have grown up expecting to carry the world on his shoulders. Strong as he was, he was still just a child. A child he was not allowed to be because of cowards like him.
His own view would not be as tarnished as it was now. The Snapes would still be the very embodiment of evil. Voldemort would be the boogie man children feared. James and Lily would be alive and well, even if they had to be in hiding. Albus would remain a kindly, slightly befuddled headmaster that he admired.
"Of all the words ever created, two of the saddest are 'if only'." A voice mused softly to his tight, "Sirius, why are you out here all alone? James is looking for you, waiting for you where he has always waited."
He looked up into the kind eyes of Professor MacGonagal, "I don't know."
Sitting by him, she looked at him and he was forced to turn away from that penetrating study. "Are you afraid?"
Sirius almost scoffed, but couldn't. What was the point in hiding behind bluster? Of course he was afraid.
"You know him. Do you really think so little of him that you would hide away from him?" Squeezing his arm, she waited for his answer.
They sat in silence for a long time before he spoke. "I killed them, you know."
Though shocked, she was silent.
"What? No words about how I wasn't to blame?" He mocked, "Headmaster Dumbledore is of the opinion that I take to much of the blame upon myself."
"And he is right," her words were quiet. "But only you can decide and accept it."
"I was chosen to be their secret keeper. It was my responsibility, my privilege. A privilege I did not feel worthy of. I might as well have cast the avada kedavra on them." He muttered bitterly, wiping away tears.
"Since when have you known all things, Sirius?" An amused, sorrowful voice asked.
He jumped up, startled. Behind them stood James Potter, a question in his blue eyes.
"What? No words to say?" He gently mocked his friend's silence.
"What is there to say? I betrayed you." He chocked on the words, feeling it was to soon for this confrontation. When his friend had first come, it was too chaotic. Then he had taken off to watch Septina Snape and they had never really spent time together.
"No. Peter betrayed us. You were merely being human and he worked on that. We don't blame you for what happened. Harry doesn't blame you. So, why do you blame yourself?" He asked, "unless you had some foreknowledge and deliberately planned this, you had no part in it. I'm asking you as a friend to let go of the blame. There is enough to go around but you are the only one who refuses to see that we don't blame you."
"I can't."
"And you always said I was the stubborn one," he muttered.
"This isn't a joke, James!"
The blue eyes hardened, "I never said it was. But, Sirius, you are being terribly ridiculous about this. You could not know, no one could know, what was to come. You made a choice. It was our choice to agree or disagree with you. We agreed, though we did not like it. The reasons you gave were sound and we wanted Harry safe. Left it go."
"Don't you think I want to? But have to get up every day and see Harry. I hear how he's treated by his relatives and know that if I had done right by you, he would not be subjected to it." His voice rose in frustration as he stared at his friend.
"Can you guarantee that?" The words came out colder than James intended but they had to be said. "Can you put it down in writing and know that what is written will remain true?"
"Of course not, Prongs."
"Then how do you know that this wasn't the best way? How do you know that Harry wouldn't have a worse life if we had a few more years together? What if you had died and Voldemort had found our location? What if he'd gone to live with the Dursleys after having been loved and cared for by us? After learning of magic?"
His shoulders slumped, "I don't know."
"The past is over and done, Padfoot. Wondering what would be will only drive you crazy. Let it go." James pleaded, "let me rest at last."
"I don't know if I can."
"Just take it a day at a time, just one step at a time." Professor MacGonagal spoke from behind him, letting Sirius know that she was still there. "The rest will come, in time. You will never forget, but you will come to forgive."
It was silent in the field. James and Sirius just stared at each other, MacGonagal in the back ground. Rest would not come easily for some.
***
"Harry, I am disappointed in you."
"Why, sir?"
"Two weeks ago, you obeyed orders and left the school." His hand rose, stifling the protest that sprang to the boy's lips. "I know that you were with your mother. I also realize that she can protect you better than anyone else. But Harry, if someone had come to the same conclusion that Ms. Snape had tonight, the situation could've had a very different outcome. Please, in the future, show more common sense."
Harry bowed his head, shame coloring his cheeks. "I will try to, sir."
"Good. Now, that isn't the only reason I wanted you to stay behind. Sirius tells me that Voldemort wants Septina to gain your trust. In public, rebuff her attempts. There must be no mistaking her actions. Nor your own. I do not want her to get into trouble. But I do not want you to lose your life because you've given in. I realize that I made a serious mistake in letting you go to the Dursleys. It was the only solution I had to protect you from your fame."
"Don't worry about it, I understand." And he did.
"Please, don't excuse me. I should have been more attentive. There had to have been another way." Dumbledore sighed, feeling his years once again.
Harry gave him a moment, then cleared his throat. "Sir? What about my learning to control my mind? Neville said something about her teaching me."
The blue eyes blinked, "he did? Oh, that's right. In private, I want her to teach you how to control your mind. There must be a way to access this connection you have to the Dark Lord. I will arrange for you to have an entrance into Professor Snape's office that is keyed only to you. And no one else-not even someone using poly juice potion." He said this with a slight smile on his face, reminding Harry of his second year and their botched attempt at it. "I trust that you will mention this to no one-even those in your confidence. There is no way to be sure that the information would not be overheard by less friendly ears."
"Of course, but I don't like to lie to my friends."
"Harry, sometimes a lie is necessary to protect and save lives. Remember that." They sat in solemn silence for a moment thinking before Albus cleared his throat. "You'd best get back to your room. Do your part and I will see to it that Ms. Snape does hers. Oh, I want you to read this. As you can plainly see, it's the book Mr. Giles handed me, it might give you something that I lack the perspective to see right now."
"All right. Good night, sir." He accepted the book and walked to the door, pausing, "is there anyway I can help Draco?"
"I thought you didn't like him."
"I don't. But that doesn't mean I want to see him lost in darkness." He shrugged, "besides, Hermione sees something good in him and I don't want her hurt."
"Then may be you should be speaking to her," it was a gentle nudge.
"Right." Harry left and met up with Hermione waiting in the common room. She took one look at his face and held in her questions. "Hermione, can I help you with Draco?"
Chewing on her lip thoughtfully, she tilted her head to the side. Finally, she came to a decision. "Don't change how you act around him. If he suspects that you pity him or know what he's going through, I fear he'll shut down. The one thing he wants to be seen as is strong. He wants to be his own person, he's just a little lost right now. If he thinks you see him as anything but what you've always seen him as, he might just leave."
"I don't like it. But I understand." Flopping down on the couch, he pulled out the book the Headmaster gave him. "Why don't you read this with me? I could sure use your help."
"Why did Headmaster Dumbledore give you that?" She asked, sitting beside him.
He shrugged, "I guess he thought that I might get something out of it he missed. At least, I think that's what he said. In all honesty, I'm not quite sure. What with all the revelations flying around tonight, I wasn't paying close attention to him."
"I know. Can you believe that Professor Snape is Neville's uncle?"
"Yeah, how can that be true? You would think that he'd treat him better."
"Why are you speaking of things you know nothing about?" Neville asked, turning the chair he was in around. "My uncle treats me the way I asked him to."
"I don't get it. Why would you ask to be treated that way?" Hermione asked, puzzled.
Neville's dark head shook and he sighed, explaining softly, "the Dark Lord always finds a way to return. As long as his mark remains on the skin of his followers, so he remains. It was only a matter of time before he found someone foolish enough to help him. I knew and Uncle Severus knew it. What we did was create someone for him to approach, someone who wouldn't be seen as more than a buffoon. That is all I have to say for now. Don't ask more of me."
"Just one more thing, if you wouldn't mind." Harry asked.
"If you must." He replied, fear showing in his eyes. If he had to, he'd lie. But he would much prefer to be open and honest with them.
"Don't worry. It's nothing like that." The Gryffindor soothed, smothering a laugh. "Why is it that he your greatest fear?"
Neville couldn't help it. He laughed, loudly and hard. "Oh, wasn't that a trip? Uncle Severus couldn't stop laughing about it when he heard. Although in public, he had to be very offended. But he was my greatest fear, next to my grandmother. Until the end of third year, he was my mysterious, scary uncle. When grandmother got sick, he had to take care of me. I learned another side to him, he also explained a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, he does believe a lot of the things he says to me. There isn't much difference between the Professor Snape you know and my uncle. He just finds other, more appropriate ways to express himself when he doesn't have to be on show."
"And his sister?"
He became serious, his eyes clouded with confusion. "I don't know much about her. The night you defeated Voldemort for the first time, she disappeared. Professor Snape guards her memory like a leprechaun his golden horde. Now, you must keep quiet on the relationship that I share with the professor. It wouldn't do for the whole school to know."
"Of course we'll be silent. Who would believe us?"
"What about me?" Ron's voice came suddenly from the top of the stairs. "Why is it that none of you ever considered that I might be interested in what's going on in the world outside of Quidditch? And don't give me that orders crap, I heard enough to know that I am being left out of a few things and I'm sick of it! Talk to me."
"Join us, we'll give you the short version." Harry said, moving over so that Ron could join them.
Neville sighed and whispered something. At their curious looks, he shrugged at them. "I picked up a few things from the professor. One of them was to guard your area-which we should've done in the first place."
In as few words as possible, they brought Ron up to date on the comings and goings. He whistled, "I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. What happens now?"
Harry shrugged, "we play it by ear and hope nothing blows up in our face."
"Why did you come down?" Hermione asked, "I thought everyone was sleeping."
"I was but I remembered that I received a letter from Fred and George. They are coming for a visit and I thought that I should warn Harry before they arrived." Ron ended with a smile, "but I almost rethought that decision once I heard you talking about things that you've been doing without me."
"Well, I'm glad you changed your mind, Ron. I really appreciate the warning."
"But don't you think we ought to give Headmaster Dumbledore a warning?" Hermione asked, worried.
Neville smiled, getting to his feet. "I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he already knows. Not much goes on in this school that he doesn't know. Good night, guys. I wouldn't stay up much later-especially since your brothers are coming."
Ron laughed as the young man disappeared up the stairs. Turning to them, he gave them a questioning look. "What else did you leave out?"
Hermione shook her head, "I can't trust you on this situation. Good night, Ron. Harry."
"Nite, Hermione." They said, watching her leave.
"Was it something I said?" Ron asked, looking at Harry, worry in his eyes.
"No. More like something she'd fear you'd say." Harry murmured, pulling out a chess set. "Want to play? I'm not tired yet."
With a shrug, Ron complied.