The California Job
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
You're dating a psychiatrist? What are you - crazy?
ELAINE
What? What's wrong with that?
GEORGE
Aren't you afraid he's gonna start analzying you? Or us? Me?
I'm a psychiatrist's Happy Meal, Elaine. They analyze me like I'm a lab rat running through a maze.
JERRY
George's last shrink even got him to confess his Flintstones fantasy.
ELAINE
Flintstones fantasy?
GEORGE
As a boy I was very attracted to Betty Rubble. Trim figure, long legs and under that animal skin dress, well, you know, ziperoonie.
JERRY
Ziperoonie?
GEORGE
Ziperoonie, my friend.
JERRY
Betty was way too good for Barney Rubble.
GEORGE
That part didn't ring true.
ELAINE
Cavemen living with the dinosaurs, and that's the part didn't ring true? Oh boy.
JERRY
D'you suppose Fred yelled Wilma! in the throes of passion, or just when he was angry?
ELAINE
You boy's watch wa-ay too many cartoons. And Alan isn't like that. He's nice.
JERRY
You do it yet on his psychiatrist couch?
ELAINE
No! Alan's very considerate. Attentive.
GEORGE
Attentive? You mean he remembers birthdays and stuff?
JERRY
And pretends to listen when you talk about your day?
ELAINE
No-oo.Y'know, he takes his time. Likes a slow ride round the block, gets to know the neighbourhood before parking the car....
JERRY
Ah. Foreplay. Gotcha.
GEORGE
I'm strictly A to B. No detours.
ELAINE
Ugh! That is so typical of men. Why do you need us along for the ride?
GEORGE
I don't like to drive alone too often. They say it's bad for the transmission.
JERRY
That's an old wives tale.
GEORGE
I dunno, Jerry. Some of those old wives were pretty sharp.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Jerry, got any tabasco sauce?
JERRY
Try the refrigerator.
KRAMER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND STARTS LOADING UP.
KRAMER
Newman's having a barbecue on the roof. You're all invited.
JERRY
An afternoon watching Newman cram his face with greasy fast food? I don't think so.
GEORGE
Work. The Yankees won't win ball games if I'm not there to book 'em hotel rooms.
ELAINE
Peterman's. Launching a new catalogue.
KRAMER
You're missing a treat. Newman's a genius with a griddle.
JERRY NOTICES KRAMER EMPTYING HIS FRIDGE.
JERRY
I thought you wanted tabasco sauce.
KRAMER
Yeah. And meat. Chicken. Tomatoes. Lettuce. Rye. Corncobs. And you got any of those tiny sausages?
JERRY
So I'm providing the whole feast?
KRAMER
You got it, buddy.
INT. ELEVATOR. YANKEE STADIUM.
GEORGE ENTERS ELEVATOR TO FIND CINDY CRAWFORD.
GEORGE
Excuse me.Aren't you Cindy Crawford, the supermodel?
CC
Yes, I am.
GEORGE
Oh wow, this is amazing. I'm your biggest fan.
CC
Thank you.
GEORGE
Many's the time I've pored over your pictures in magazines. That's p-o-r-e-d. I didn't actually pour anything on you. Ha ha.
CINDY SMILES APPREHENSIVELY
GEORGE
So, what are you doing in Yankee Stadium? Not trying out for shortstop. Haha.
CC
Photoshoot. On the diamond.
GEORGE
Right. How's the guy from Pretty Woman these days?
CC
Richard and I are divorced.
GEORGE
So you're single now. You're out there? Because I'm out there. Both of us out there.
CC
Ri-ght.
GEORGE
Cindy Crawford. Cindy C. I'm George Costanza. Georgie C. We have a lot in common right there.
CC
(SOTTO VOCE) Hurry up. Please hurry up.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. CINDY SPRINTS OUT.
GEORGE
Wow. Look at her go. These supermodels really love getting photographed.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY'S ON THE PHONE TO HIS AGENT.
JERRY
That's great. Yeah. No problem.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Okay. Fine. I'll be there. (HANGS UP)
KRAMER
Hey, buddy.
JERRY
That was my agent. I'm booked for a spot on 'The Tonight Show.'
KRAMER
Oooh, The Tonight Show. With Jay Leno. Featuring Kevin Eubanks. And me, Ed Hall. Tonight's guest - Jerry Seinfeld.
You did good, compadre.
JERRY
Tell me about it. Hey, NBC said I can fly some guests out on their tab. You want to come to Los Angeles with me?
KRAMER
California, here I come.
JERRY
I'll ask George and Elaine. It'll be great. The four of us.
KRAMER
We're the Four Musketeers. All for one.pop And one for all.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
ELAINE IS EATING FROM A BAG OF JUJY FRUITS.
GEORGE
So I'm in this cab going uptown, and the driver - who's Chinese - asks where to? I say '42nd street.' He goes 42nd sweet?' - cause the chinese can't pronounce their Rs. So I say - '42nd sweet? What are you - Hersheys?'
FEEBLE LAUGH
JERRY
Okay, I guess.
GEORGE
What d'you mean - ok I guess? That's a great line. You're just jealous you didn't think of it.
ELAINE
How about '42nd sweet? No thanks, I've already eaten.' Or 'no thanks, 41's plenty.'
JERRY LAUGHS
JERRY
Pretty good.
GEORGE
George is getting very angry here! The line is 'what are you - Hersheys?' Full stop. End of story.
JERRY
You really are a very stubborn little man.
ELAINE
The best of luck in LA, by the way.
JERRY
You sure you won't come with us?
ELAINE
I wanna stay here with Alan. I really think he might be - the one.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Hello?
BUZZER
This is Dr. Alan Greenbaum. Is Elaine Benes there?
ELAINE
Hi, Alan. Come on up.
GEORGE
Oh no! Oh no!
ELAINE
What's the matter with you?
GEORGE
It's your boyfriend the psychiatrist. Suppose he starts analzying me?
ELAINE
Relax. I've already told Alan about all of you.
JERRY
You blabbed? Elaine, how could you.
ELAINE
Gimme a break, anyway, it's Kramer Alan finds most interesting.
ALAN ENTERS - A HANDSOME BEARDY TYPE.
ELAINE
Alan, this is George and Jerry.
JERRY/GEORGE
Hi.
ALAN
Pleased to meet you at last. Especially you, George.
GEORGE
Me? (EDGES TOWARD THE DOOR) What'd I do?
ALAN
George, self gratification is perfectly normal. Healthy even. Go ahead. Enjoy your body.
GEORGE
Oh God!
GEORGE EXITS
ALAN
Jerry. Tell me - is it true you ended a relationship because the lady in question had rather large hands?
JERRY
Man hands. She had man hands.
ALAN
And another because she had curious eating habits?
JERRY
She ate her peas one at a time. One at a time.
ALAN
I see. You'd be a challenge. No doubt about that.
KNOCK ON DOOR. JERRY OPENS. IT'S NEWMAN.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. Just returning the dishes Kramer borrowed for the barbecue.
JERRY
Ok. Bye.
NEWMAN
Bye, Jerry.
DOOR SLAMS
ALAN
Extraordinary! The repressed hostility was palpable. Why do they hate each other so much?
ELAINE
Who the hell knows?
ALAN
Jerry, what is it you dislike about that man?
JERRY
He's Newman.
ALAN
Yes, but what is it about Newman that you dislike?
JERRY
He's Newman.
ALAN
Fas-ci-nating. No doubt about it,This man's a goldmine.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
ALAN
And you must be Kramer. Delighted to meet you at last.
KRAMER
Likewise, I'm sure.
ELAINE
This is Alan, my boyfriend.
JERRY
He's a psychiatrist.
KRAMER
Whoa! (RECOILS VIOLENTLY)
ALAN
Extraordinary reaction! You must have very well developed synapses.
KRAMER
Well, I work out.
ALAN
Could I conduct an experiment? Just a simple word association. I say a word. You say the first thing that comes into your head. Black.
KRAMER
Blue.
ALAN
Orange.
KRAMER
Lemon.
ALAN
Home.
KRAMER
Here.
ALAN
Food.
KRAMER
Jerry.
ALAN
Jerry.
KRAMER
Love. - WHOA! (KRAMER RECOILS)
JERRY
That's baloney! Kramer doesn't love me.
ELAINE
Well, we're going for lunch.(SMIRKS) We'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
KRAMER
You better be careful, Elaine. He'll get you next.
INT. RESTAURANT.
ELAINE AND ALAN ARE SEATED. ELAINE IS STILL EATING HER JUJY FRUITS.
ELAINE
You really freaked my friends out back there - the poor schlubs!
ALAN
Are you still eating sweets? We're about to order.
ELAINE
I've nearly finished the bag. I don't want to waste any. I lo-o--ve my Jujy fruits.
ALAN
Hmm. Interesting.
ELAINE
What? What?
ALAN
OH nothing.Just a thought.
ELAINE
No, Alan, what was it? Tell me.
ALAN
Well, you're a single woman. Mid 30s. Childless.
ELAINE
Yeah. So?
ALAN
So perhaps you're sublimating your subconcious desire for a fulfilling adult relationship with a need for addictive candy snacks.
ELAINE
Why would I do that?
ALAN
To blot out your barren purposeless existence.
ELAINE
I have purpose.
ALAN
Oh please, Elaine. You hang out with friends who quite frankly are a phone call away from
a rubber walled room.
ELAINE
I'm not like them!
ALAN
That's what you believe.
ELAINE
It's true!
ALAN
As you wish. Now, what d'you want to eat?
ELAINE
(SULKS) I'm not hungry.
INT.LATER. PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
So you're coming with us to LA? That's great, Laney!
ELAINE
(SIGHS)Yeah. Whatever.
JERRY
I thought you wanted to stay in New York with Alan?
ELAINE
Yeah, well you thought wrong.
JERRY
Trouble in paradise?
ELAINE
Yeah, I got bit on the ass by a snake.
EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE OF A JET HEADING WEST.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULVEARD, LOS ANGELES.
THE GANG EXIT A CAB.
GEORGE
Hollywood, baby! Smell that California air. (COUGHS) It stinks.
KRAMER
That's the smog. The trick is to breath through your mouth.
ELAINE
Is this where we're staying?
JERRY
Uh huh. The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It's quite a landmark.
KRAMER
Didn't John Belushi croak here?
JERRY
No. The Chateau Marmont.
KRAMER
Well somebody must have died here. This is Hollywood. Pzzt! They drop like flies.
JERRY
Apparently it's haunted by the ghost of Montgomery Clift.
KRAMER
Now you're talking.
ELAINE
Ugh! Remind me to keep my light on at night.
KRAMER
Who's for the beach? Elaine?
ELAINE
Nah. Rodeo Drive for me. I wanna do some shopping.
JERRY
Rodeo Drive? Isn't that a bit--- up market?
ELAINE
What? You saying I'm a bag lady? I look the part.
GEORGE
You wearing those shoes - two tone brogues?
ELAINE
I brought heels. Gimme a break. I need a makeover to visit a shop?
JERRY
This is LA, Elaine. La La Land.
ELAINE
Yeah, well LA can kiss my New York a--
KRAMER
George? The beach? Hot babes in bikinis.
GEORGE
I think I'll stick with Jerry.
JERRY
George, you're not pestering Room Service.
GEORGE
It's on NBC's tab, what's the difference? They can spring for a few freebies. We'll say I'm your personal assistant. Your PA.
JERRY
I always wanted a PA. Somehow I imagined him less...you.
EXT. DAY. SANTA MONICA BEACH.
KRAMER, IN SHORTS AND BERMUDA SHIRT, WALKS THE SHORELINE, STUMBLING OCASSIONALLY AS BIKINI BABES RUN IN AND OUT OF THE SURF.
A BALL, FROM A VOLLEYBALL GAME, ROLLS AT HIS FEET. KRAMER TOSSES IT TO JED, A SURFER DUDE.
JED
Thanks, man. Nice technique. You from around here?
KRAMER
New York.
JED
The Big Apple, huh. Far out. I'm Jed.
KRAMER
Kramer.
JED
What d'you do in New York, Kramer?
KRAMER SHRUGS
JED
Well, how d'you make a living?
KRAMER SHRUGS
JED
All right! A slacker dude. Play some volleyball, Kramer?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
INT. DAY. RODEO DRIVE.
ELAINE IS BROWSING IN A CLOTHES STORE. SHE'S IN HEELS, BUT OTHERWISE SAME OLD ELAINE.
ELAINE
Excuse me, how much is this t shirt?
SALES GIRL
800 dollars.
ELAINE
800 bucks! It's just a cotton tee with some rhinestones sewn on.
SALES GIRL
It's a genuine Federucci. A one off design.
ELAINE
My 6 year old niece could knock this off in home ec class. Blindfold.
SALES GIRL
Puh-lease. Federucci studied fashion for 6 years in Milan. That's in Italy.
ELAINE
Yeah, I know where Milan is. Tell ya what - I'll give ya 50 bucks for it.
SALES GIRL
It's 800 dollars.
ELAINE
75 tops. My final offer.
SALES GIRL
I believe Wal Mart do a range of clothing. Perhaps madam would be more at home there.
ELAINE
You saying I'm cheap?
SALES GIRL
If the shoe fits. Or the t shirt. (GIGGLES)
ELAINE
That's real funny. You know what else is funny? My fist.
SALES GIRL
Security! Security!
CUT TO
EXT. RODEO DRIVE.
TWO SECURITY GUARDS FORCIBLY EJECT ELAINE ONTO THE SIDEWALK.
INT. NBC STUDIOS. THE TONIGHT SHOW.
JAY LENO
My next guest is a young up and coming comedian all the way from New York. Let's give a big Tonight Show welcome for - Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY WALKS UP TO THE MIKE.
JERRY
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Y'know, I read in the paper a 72 year old guy climbed Mount Everest. How about that? 72 and he climbs Everest. 72. My first thought was - boy, he's gonna make us look bad. What happens when your wife wants you to change a lightbulb? "Sorry, honey, I'm watching the game." " Oh, so a 72 year old can climb Mount Everest, but you can't get off your lazy butt and climb a coupla steps to change a lightbulb." Yeah. That old guy really screwed us over. 72. Sit down, why dont cha. Play your mah jong and swallow your antacid, that's what a 72 year old should be doing.
12 hundred people have climbed Mount Everest to date.That's a lot of people.It's getting way too easy. What they should do is build a greasy pole on the summit. That way when the climbers get there, oxygen masks, all that gear strapped to their backs - made it! The top of Everest! Oh no, my friend, you've still this greasy pole to shin up, then you've climbed Mount Everest. Go on, quit whining, start shinning. Maybe we should tell that 72 year old. Hey, gramps, you missed out the greasy pole. Uh huh.Doesn't count. You'll have to climb it again. Whadda mean your chest hurts? You should have thought of that before you started screwing us over.
DISSOLVE TO ---
INT. NBC COMMISARY.
GEORGE IS PILING FOOD ON A TRAY. AN NBC SUIT WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY.
GEORGE
This is all on the Seinfeld tab. I'm his personal assistant. His PA. He's nothing without me. He need his shoelaces tied who's he call? - his PA. George Costanza, PA. That's me.
GEORGE CARRIES HIS TRAY TO A TABLE, THEN NOTICES CINDY CRAWFORD SITTING NEARBY.
GEORGE
Cindy? Cindy Crawford?
CINDY
Yes. You are...?
GEORGE
George Costanza. Georgie C? We met in New York. Yankee Stadium.
CINDY
Oh. Ri-ght.
GEORGE
What a coincidence, huh. Mebbe it's fate. Haha!
CINDY SMILES NERVOUSLY
GEORGE
You want something to eat? I got food coming out my ears here.
CINDY
No. Thank you. I'm about to be interviewed.
GEORGE
Ok. Well, I'll be right here if you get peckish later. Won't budge an inch.Wait the whole day if I have to.
CINDY HURRIES AWAY
GEORGE
Boy, she can't wait to be interviewed.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STUDIO.
LENO
Please welcome my next guest - Cindy Crawford!
CINDY WALKS OUT, SITS ETC.
LENO
Great to see you.
CINDY
Thank you.
LENO
Been keeping kinda a low profile lately.
CINDY
Well, maybe.
LENO
You still get recognised?
CINDY
Ye-ah. Mostly it's nice but...I met this guy in New York and just now he turned up backstage.
LENO
He's stalking you?
CINDY
I guess. Kinda this creepy short guy. Balding. He said he'll be waiting for me.
LENO
We can't have that. La's got enough nuts without having to imort them from New York.
Huh, Kev?
KEVIN EUBANK
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LENO
Don't worry, security will handle it. So, that famous mole of yours - is that an erogenous zone?
INT. NBC STUDIO. JERRY'S DRESSING ROOM.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
And these security goons, these apes in uniform, physically pick me up and throw me out in the street. Whaddua think about that, huh? Like I was a bag of garbage. I tell ya, it wouldn't have happened in New York City, that's for sure.
JERRY
You think my act went well? I think it did.
ELAINE
Yeah yeah, whatever. I should sue for compensation, that's what I should do. But where's a good lawyer when you need one?
JERRY
I wonder if George saw my act?
ELAINE
Where is George, anyway?
JERRY
Last I saw he was stuffing his face in the commisary.
ELAINE
That's another thing. I go down there, choose a bagel - one lousy bagel - tell 'em to put it on your tab and they say - no more on the Seinfeld tab. It's all used up.
JERRY
All used up? George!
COMMOTION OUTSIDE. THE DOOR OPENS. GEORGE IS BEING DRAGGED PAST BY SECURITY GUARDS.
GEORGE
Jerry! Elaine! You gotta help me. They're throwing me out for harrassing Cindy Crawford!
Tell them I'm your PA!
ELAINE
PA? You're a PA? When did that happen?
JERRY
Did you use up my NBC tab? They say it's all used up.
GEORGE
Jerry!!!
GEORGE IS DRAGGED AWAY.
ELAINE
Ugh! First me, now George. I tell ya, California's turning into a police state.
JERRY
I wonder how Kramer's doing?
ELAINE
Kramer? Knowing Kramer he probably been arrested by now.He'll be stuck in some dank prison hellhole begging to go back to New York.
EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH.
A VOLLEYBALL GAME IN PROGRESS. KRAMER, BARE CHESTED AND DAUBED WITH ZINC SUNCREAM, IS DOMINATING THE MATCH WITH HIS WILD SLAM DUNKS.
A SMALL CROWD HAS GATHERED. THEY START TO CHANT 'KRAMER KRAMER' AS THE K-MAN WINS YET ANOTHER POINT.
JED
You win again, K-man. You rule all, dude!
KRAMER
Oh yeah. I rule all. You know, I could get to like it here in California.
BIKINI GIRL
Pina colada, Kramer?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
THE END
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A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
You're dating a psychiatrist? What are you - crazy?
ELAINE
What? What's wrong with that?
GEORGE
Aren't you afraid he's gonna start analzying you? Or us? Me?
I'm a psychiatrist's Happy Meal, Elaine. They analyze me like I'm a lab rat running through a maze.
JERRY
George's last shrink even got him to confess his Flintstones fantasy.
ELAINE
Flintstones fantasy?
GEORGE
As a boy I was very attracted to Betty Rubble. Trim figure, long legs and under that animal skin dress, well, you know, ziperoonie.
JERRY
Ziperoonie?
GEORGE
Ziperoonie, my friend.
JERRY
Betty was way too good for Barney Rubble.
GEORGE
That part didn't ring true.
ELAINE
Cavemen living with the dinosaurs, and that's the part didn't ring true? Oh boy.
JERRY
D'you suppose Fred yelled Wilma! in the throes of passion, or just when he was angry?
ELAINE
You boy's watch wa-ay too many cartoons. And Alan isn't like that. He's nice.
JERRY
You do it yet on his psychiatrist couch?
ELAINE
No! Alan's very considerate. Attentive.
GEORGE
Attentive? You mean he remembers birthdays and stuff?
JERRY
And pretends to listen when you talk about your day?
ELAINE
No-oo.Y'know, he takes his time. Likes a slow ride round the block, gets to know the neighbourhood before parking the car....
JERRY
Ah. Foreplay. Gotcha.
GEORGE
I'm strictly A to B. No detours.
ELAINE
Ugh! That is so typical of men. Why do you need us along for the ride?
GEORGE
I don't like to drive alone too often. They say it's bad for the transmission.
JERRY
That's an old wives tale.
GEORGE
I dunno, Jerry. Some of those old wives were pretty sharp.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Jerry, got any tabasco sauce?
JERRY
Try the refrigerator.
KRAMER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND STARTS LOADING UP.
KRAMER
Newman's having a barbecue on the roof. You're all invited.
JERRY
An afternoon watching Newman cram his face with greasy fast food? I don't think so.
GEORGE
Work. The Yankees won't win ball games if I'm not there to book 'em hotel rooms.
ELAINE
Peterman's. Launching a new catalogue.
KRAMER
You're missing a treat. Newman's a genius with a griddle.
JERRY NOTICES KRAMER EMPTYING HIS FRIDGE.
JERRY
I thought you wanted tabasco sauce.
KRAMER
Yeah. And meat. Chicken. Tomatoes. Lettuce. Rye. Corncobs. And you got any of those tiny sausages?
JERRY
So I'm providing the whole feast?
KRAMER
You got it, buddy.
INT. ELEVATOR. YANKEE STADIUM.
GEORGE ENTERS ELEVATOR TO FIND CINDY CRAWFORD.
GEORGE
Excuse me.Aren't you Cindy Crawford, the supermodel?
CC
Yes, I am.
GEORGE
Oh wow, this is amazing. I'm your biggest fan.
CC
Thank you.
GEORGE
Many's the time I've pored over your pictures in magazines. That's p-o-r-e-d. I didn't actually pour anything on you. Ha ha.
CINDY SMILES APPREHENSIVELY
GEORGE
So, what are you doing in Yankee Stadium? Not trying out for shortstop. Haha.
CC
Photoshoot. On the diamond.
GEORGE
Right. How's the guy from Pretty Woman these days?
CC
Richard and I are divorced.
GEORGE
So you're single now. You're out there? Because I'm out there. Both of us out there.
CC
Ri-ght.
GEORGE
Cindy Crawford. Cindy C. I'm George Costanza. Georgie C. We have a lot in common right there.
CC
(SOTTO VOCE) Hurry up. Please hurry up.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. CINDY SPRINTS OUT.
GEORGE
Wow. Look at her go. These supermodels really love getting photographed.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY'S ON THE PHONE TO HIS AGENT.
JERRY
That's great. Yeah. No problem.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
JERRY
Okay. Fine. I'll be there. (HANGS UP)
KRAMER
Hey, buddy.
JERRY
That was my agent. I'm booked for a spot on 'The Tonight Show.'
KRAMER
Oooh, The Tonight Show. With Jay Leno. Featuring Kevin Eubanks. And me, Ed Hall. Tonight's guest - Jerry Seinfeld.
You did good, compadre.
JERRY
Tell me about it. Hey, NBC said I can fly some guests out on their tab. You want to come to Los Angeles with me?
KRAMER
California, here I come.
JERRY
I'll ask George and Elaine. It'll be great. The four of us.
KRAMER
We're the Four Musketeers. All for one.pop And one for all.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
ELAINE IS EATING FROM A BAG OF JUJY FRUITS.
GEORGE
So I'm in this cab going uptown, and the driver - who's Chinese - asks where to? I say '42nd street.' He goes 42nd sweet?' - cause the chinese can't pronounce their Rs. So I say - '42nd sweet? What are you - Hersheys?'
FEEBLE LAUGH
JERRY
Okay, I guess.
GEORGE
What d'you mean - ok I guess? That's a great line. You're just jealous you didn't think of it.
ELAINE
How about '42nd sweet? No thanks, I've already eaten.' Or 'no thanks, 41's plenty.'
JERRY LAUGHS
JERRY
Pretty good.
GEORGE
George is getting very angry here! The line is 'what are you - Hersheys?' Full stop. End of story.
JERRY
You really are a very stubborn little man.
ELAINE
The best of luck in LA, by the way.
JERRY
You sure you won't come with us?
ELAINE
I wanna stay here with Alan. I really think he might be - the one.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Hello?
BUZZER
This is Dr. Alan Greenbaum. Is Elaine Benes there?
ELAINE
Hi, Alan. Come on up.
GEORGE
Oh no! Oh no!
ELAINE
What's the matter with you?
GEORGE
It's your boyfriend the psychiatrist. Suppose he starts analzying me?
ELAINE
Relax. I've already told Alan about all of you.
JERRY
You blabbed? Elaine, how could you.
ELAINE
Gimme a break, anyway, it's Kramer Alan finds most interesting.
ALAN ENTERS - A HANDSOME BEARDY TYPE.
ELAINE
Alan, this is George and Jerry.
JERRY/GEORGE
Hi.
ALAN
Pleased to meet you at last. Especially you, George.
GEORGE
Me? (EDGES TOWARD THE DOOR) What'd I do?
ALAN
George, self gratification is perfectly normal. Healthy even. Go ahead. Enjoy your body.
GEORGE
Oh God!
GEORGE EXITS
ALAN
Jerry. Tell me - is it true you ended a relationship because the lady in question had rather large hands?
JERRY
Man hands. She had man hands.
ALAN
And another because she had curious eating habits?
JERRY
She ate her peas one at a time. One at a time.
ALAN
I see. You'd be a challenge. No doubt about that.
KNOCK ON DOOR. JERRY OPENS. IT'S NEWMAN.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. Just returning the dishes Kramer borrowed for the barbecue.
JERRY
Ok. Bye.
NEWMAN
Bye, Jerry.
DOOR SLAMS
ALAN
Extraordinary! The repressed hostility was palpable. Why do they hate each other so much?
ELAINE
Who the hell knows?
ALAN
Jerry, what is it you dislike about that man?
JERRY
He's Newman.
ALAN
Yes, but what is it about Newman that you dislike?
JERRY
He's Newman.
ALAN
Fas-ci-nating. No doubt about it,This man's a goldmine.
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.
ALAN
And you must be Kramer. Delighted to meet you at last.
KRAMER
Likewise, I'm sure.
ELAINE
This is Alan, my boyfriend.
JERRY
He's a psychiatrist.
KRAMER
Whoa! (RECOILS VIOLENTLY)
ALAN
Extraordinary reaction! You must have very well developed synapses.
KRAMER
Well, I work out.
ALAN
Could I conduct an experiment? Just a simple word association. I say a word. You say the first thing that comes into your head. Black.
KRAMER
Blue.
ALAN
Orange.
KRAMER
Lemon.
ALAN
Home.
KRAMER
Here.
ALAN
Food.
KRAMER
Jerry.
ALAN
Jerry.
KRAMER
Love. - WHOA! (KRAMER RECOILS)
JERRY
That's baloney! Kramer doesn't love me.
ELAINE
Well, we're going for lunch.(SMIRKS) We'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
KRAMER
You better be careful, Elaine. He'll get you next.
INT. RESTAURANT.
ELAINE AND ALAN ARE SEATED. ELAINE IS STILL EATING HER JUJY FRUITS.
ELAINE
You really freaked my friends out back there - the poor schlubs!
ALAN
Are you still eating sweets? We're about to order.
ELAINE
I've nearly finished the bag. I don't want to waste any. I lo-o--ve my Jujy fruits.
ALAN
Hmm. Interesting.
ELAINE
What? What?
ALAN
OH nothing.Just a thought.
ELAINE
No, Alan, what was it? Tell me.
ALAN
Well, you're a single woman. Mid 30s. Childless.
ELAINE
Yeah. So?
ALAN
So perhaps you're sublimating your subconcious desire for a fulfilling adult relationship with a need for addictive candy snacks.
ELAINE
Why would I do that?
ALAN
To blot out your barren purposeless existence.
ELAINE
I have purpose.
ALAN
Oh please, Elaine. You hang out with friends who quite frankly are a phone call away from
a rubber walled room.
ELAINE
I'm not like them!
ALAN
That's what you believe.
ELAINE
It's true!
ALAN
As you wish. Now, what d'you want to eat?
ELAINE
(SULKS) I'm not hungry.
INT.LATER. PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
So you're coming with us to LA? That's great, Laney!
ELAINE
(SIGHS)Yeah. Whatever.
JERRY
I thought you wanted to stay in New York with Alan?
ELAINE
Yeah, well you thought wrong.
JERRY
Trouble in paradise?
ELAINE
Yeah, I got bit on the ass by a snake.
EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE OF A JET HEADING WEST.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULVEARD, LOS ANGELES.
THE GANG EXIT A CAB.
GEORGE
Hollywood, baby! Smell that California air. (COUGHS) It stinks.
KRAMER
That's the smog. The trick is to breath through your mouth.
ELAINE
Is this where we're staying?
JERRY
Uh huh. The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It's quite a landmark.
KRAMER
Didn't John Belushi croak here?
JERRY
No. The Chateau Marmont.
KRAMER
Well somebody must have died here. This is Hollywood. Pzzt! They drop like flies.
JERRY
Apparently it's haunted by the ghost of Montgomery Clift.
KRAMER
Now you're talking.
ELAINE
Ugh! Remind me to keep my light on at night.
KRAMER
Who's for the beach? Elaine?
ELAINE
Nah. Rodeo Drive for me. I wanna do some shopping.
JERRY
Rodeo Drive? Isn't that a bit--- up market?
ELAINE
What? You saying I'm a bag lady? I look the part.
GEORGE
You wearing those shoes - two tone brogues?
ELAINE
I brought heels. Gimme a break. I need a makeover to visit a shop?
JERRY
This is LA, Elaine. La La Land.
ELAINE
Yeah, well LA can kiss my New York a--
KRAMER
George? The beach? Hot babes in bikinis.
GEORGE
I think I'll stick with Jerry.
JERRY
George, you're not pestering Room Service.
GEORGE
It's on NBC's tab, what's the difference? They can spring for a few freebies. We'll say I'm your personal assistant. Your PA.
JERRY
I always wanted a PA. Somehow I imagined him less...you.
EXT. DAY. SANTA MONICA BEACH.
KRAMER, IN SHORTS AND BERMUDA SHIRT, WALKS THE SHORELINE, STUMBLING OCASSIONALLY AS BIKINI BABES RUN IN AND OUT OF THE SURF.
A BALL, FROM A VOLLEYBALL GAME, ROLLS AT HIS FEET. KRAMER TOSSES IT TO JED, A SURFER DUDE.
JED
Thanks, man. Nice technique. You from around here?
KRAMER
New York.
JED
The Big Apple, huh. Far out. I'm Jed.
KRAMER
Kramer.
JED
What d'you do in New York, Kramer?
KRAMER SHRUGS
JED
Well, how d'you make a living?
KRAMER SHRUGS
JED
All right! A slacker dude. Play some volleyball, Kramer?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
INT. DAY. RODEO DRIVE.
ELAINE IS BROWSING IN A CLOTHES STORE. SHE'S IN HEELS, BUT OTHERWISE SAME OLD ELAINE.
ELAINE
Excuse me, how much is this t shirt?
SALES GIRL
800 dollars.
ELAINE
800 bucks! It's just a cotton tee with some rhinestones sewn on.
SALES GIRL
It's a genuine Federucci. A one off design.
ELAINE
My 6 year old niece could knock this off in home ec class. Blindfold.
SALES GIRL
Puh-lease. Federucci studied fashion for 6 years in Milan. That's in Italy.
ELAINE
Yeah, I know where Milan is. Tell ya what - I'll give ya 50 bucks for it.
SALES GIRL
It's 800 dollars.
ELAINE
75 tops. My final offer.
SALES GIRL
I believe Wal Mart do a range of clothing. Perhaps madam would be more at home there.
ELAINE
You saying I'm cheap?
SALES GIRL
If the shoe fits. Or the t shirt. (GIGGLES)
ELAINE
That's real funny. You know what else is funny? My fist.
SALES GIRL
Security! Security!
CUT TO
EXT. RODEO DRIVE.
TWO SECURITY GUARDS FORCIBLY EJECT ELAINE ONTO THE SIDEWALK.
INT. NBC STUDIOS. THE TONIGHT SHOW.
JAY LENO
My next guest is a young up and coming comedian all the way from New York. Let's give a big Tonight Show welcome for - Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY WALKS UP TO THE MIKE.
JERRY
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Y'know, I read in the paper a 72 year old guy climbed Mount Everest. How about that? 72 and he climbs Everest. 72. My first thought was - boy, he's gonna make us look bad. What happens when your wife wants you to change a lightbulb? "Sorry, honey, I'm watching the game." " Oh, so a 72 year old can climb Mount Everest, but you can't get off your lazy butt and climb a coupla steps to change a lightbulb." Yeah. That old guy really screwed us over. 72. Sit down, why dont cha. Play your mah jong and swallow your antacid, that's what a 72 year old should be doing.
12 hundred people have climbed Mount Everest to date.That's a lot of people.It's getting way too easy. What they should do is build a greasy pole on the summit. That way when the climbers get there, oxygen masks, all that gear strapped to their backs - made it! The top of Everest! Oh no, my friend, you've still this greasy pole to shin up, then you've climbed Mount Everest. Go on, quit whining, start shinning. Maybe we should tell that 72 year old. Hey, gramps, you missed out the greasy pole. Uh huh.Doesn't count. You'll have to climb it again. Whadda mean your chest hurts? You should have thought of that before you started screwing us over.
DISSOLVE TO ---
INT. NBC COMMISARY.
GEORGE IS PILING FOOD ON A TRAY. AN NBC SUIT WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY.
GEORGE
This is all on the Seinfeld tab. I'm his personal assistant. His PA. He's nothing without me. He need his shoelaces tied who's he call? - his PA. George Costanza, PA. That's me.
GEORGE CARRIES HIS TRAY TO A TABLE, THEN NOTICES CINDY CRAWFORD SITTING NEARBY.
GEORGE
Cindy? Cindy Crawford?
CINDY
Yes. You are...?
GEORGE
George Costanza. Georgie C? We met in New York. Yankee Stadium.
CINDY
Oh. Ri-ght.
GEORGE
What a coincidence, huh. Mebbe it's fate. Haha!
CINDY SMILES NERVOUSLY
GEORGE
You want something to eat? I got food coming out my ears here.
CINDY
No. Thank you. I'm about to be interviewed.
GEORGE
Ok. Well, I'll be right here if you get peckish later. Won't budge an inch.Wait the whole day if I have to.
CINDY HURRIES AWAY
GEORGE
Boy, she can't wait to be interviewed.
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STUDIO.
LENO
Please welcome my next guest - Cindy Crawford!
CINDY WALKS OUT, SITS ETC.
LENO
Great to see you.
CINDY
Thank you.
LENO
Been keeping kinda a low profile lately.
CINDY
Well, maybe.
LENO
You still get recognised?
CINDY
Ye-ah. Mostly it's nice but...I met this guy in New York and just now he turned up backstage.
LENO
He's stalking you?
CINDY
I guess. Kinda this creepy short guy. Balding. He said he'll be waiting for me.
LENO
We can't have that. La's got enough nuts without having to imort them from New York.
Huh, Kev?
KEVIN EUBANK
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LENO
Don't worry, security will handle it. So, that famous mole of yours - is that an erogenous zone?
INT. NBC STUDIO. JERRY'S DRESSING ROOM.
JERRY AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
And these security goons, these apes in uniform, physically pick me up and throw me out in the street. Whaddua think about that, huh? Like I was a bag of garbage. I tell ya, it wouldn't have happened in New York City, that's for sure.
JERRY
You think my act went well? I think it did.
ELAINE
Yeah yeah, whatever. I should sue for compensation, that's what I should do. But where's a good lawyer when you need one?
JERRY
I wonder if George saw my act?
ELAINE
Where is George, anyway?
JERRY
Last I saw he was stuffing his face in the commisary.
ELAINE
That's another thing. I go down there, choose a bagel - one lousy bagel - tell 'em to put it on your tab and they say - no more on the Seinfeld tab. It's all used up.
JERRY
All used up? George!
COMMOTION OUTSIDE. THE DOOR OPENS. GEORGE IS BEING DRAGGED PAST BY SECURITY GUARDS.
GEORGE
Jerry! Elaine! You gotta help me. They're throwing me out for harrassing Cindy Crawford!
Tell them I'm your PA!
ELAINE
PA? You're a PA? When did that happen?
JERRY
Did you use up my NBC tab? They say it's all used up.
GEORGE
Jerry!!!
GEORGE IS DRAGGED AWAY.
ELAINE
Ugh! First me, now George. I tell ya, California's turning into a police state.
JERRY
I wonder how Kramer's doing?
ELAINE
Kramer? Knowing Kramer he probably been arrested by now.He'll be stuck in some dank prison hellhole begging to go back to New York.
EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH.
A VOLLEYBALL GAME IN PROGRESS. KRAMER, BARE CHESTED AND DAUBED WITH ZINC SUNCREAM, IS DOMINATING THE MATCH WITH HIS WILD SLAM DUNKS.
A SMALL CROWD HAS GATHERED. THEY START TO CHANT 'KRAMER KRAMER' AS THE K-MAN WINS YET ANOTHER POINT.
JED
You win again, K-man. You rule all, dude!
KRAMER
Oh yeah. I rule all. You know, I could get to like it here in California.
BIKINI GIRL
Pina colada, Kramer?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
THE END
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