AN: You know I never realized that the word "Sorcerer's" is one of those rare ones with the double 'er', very strange. Anyway what is this you ask? This is what happens when my mind is on over drive. I have summarized the first book. I didn't exactly think of this idea on my own, I saw it done in another fandom (same style I mean) but much, much shorter than mine. Someone may have already done this before (probably have) but if they have than I've never seen it.

Please bear in mind that this is highly opinionated piece. It was not written to insult anyone.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me and while I might poke fun at the plot and other aspects of the story I still love it to bits.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

Mr. D: I go to work, strange shit happens all day long.

Mrs. D: Harry is a nasty name. I hate my sister with a frightening passion.

Dumbledore: Lily and James are dead. I'm now going to willingly give up their only son and the new Terminator to his horrible relatives and hope he survives long enough to be able to come to Hogwarts. There I shall continue to abandon him throughout his years there as I'm doing this night in a weird act of symbolism.

Hagrid: boo hoo.

Harry: I am the Baby-Who-Lived! Go me!

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass

Harry: Life is unfair. My relatives treat me like the dirt beneath their feet. The kids at school hate me. No one loves me at home and according to fics I get beat within an inch of my life on a regular basis.

Dudley: I'm a fat, stupid brat who hates my cousin as well as a walking example of why fast food industries are a perfect representation of everything that is wrong with the world.

Harry: Bacon?

Dudley: It's my B-Day!

Mrs and Mr. D: We're whipped by our son and proud of it!

Snake: Brazil is cool.

Harry: I just let out a dangerous cobra. I must never use this power for evil.

Chapter 3: The Letters From No One

Harry: (sing song voice) I got a letter!

Mr. D: I'm not going to let you have it.

Mrs. D: I've got a secret.

Dudley: Life's not fair!

Harry: It's my B-day, not that it's much fun.

Dudley: This shack leaks.

(Someone knocks on door)

All: Uh oh.

Chapter 4: The Keeper of The Keys

Hagrid: You're a wizard Harry.

Harry: No I'm not.

Hagrid: Yes you are.

Harry: No I'm not.

Hagrid: You're a famous wizard because some pycho killed your parents but you survived and ended up killing him even though you were only a baby. Actually let me amend that: I think he just disappeared that night and no one knows where he is. He's probably still out there somewhere biding his time and pretty pissed off so I'd watch out if I were you.

Mrs. D: Yes he is.

Hagrid: We're past that.

Harry: You didn't tell me.

Mrs. D: No, because I'm an embittered woman who got the short end of the stick in life. I don't have magical powers and look at my family. Mommy and Daddy always loved my sister best and then to add insult to injury I get stuck with you her son…Freak!

Hagrid: Now you get to learn magic at a school for the gifted, no pun intended.

Mr. D: Over my broken, bleeding body. Dumbledore's a fruit.

Hagrid: Die!

Dudley: Oink.

Chapter 5: Diagon Alley

Harry: Wow I'm famous. Very creepy. I also get to meet a future professor, wonder if he'll be important since he's the first one I meet and we're not at Hogwarts. Oh well.

Hagrid: Welcome to Diagon Alley.

Harry: Very cool.

Goblin: Can I help you?

Hagrid: Show me the money!

Harry: whee! Gringotts fun!

Hagrid: Watch carefully Harry because this is a major plot point. Now I trust you because you are the son of my dear, dead friends. I haven't seen you in 10 years but I'm sure you came out alright seeing as you had excellent role models growing up and there's no way you could ever be dishonorable. Anyway now I'm pulling out a little paper sack, remember it's top secret, I'm putting it in my pocket and I'm taking it to Dumbledore. Remember it's hush-hush.

Harry: Weird. I wonder what's in the bag…look at all my money! I'm rich! Life is good!

Draco: I'm a snob and I like quidditch. I also hope to be in Slytherin. I'm the only student you meet outside of the school setting so therefore I'll probably play an important role.

Harry: You remind me of Dudley. I don't like you much.

Ollivander: Oooh….groovy scar there kid. Pay attention as I talk because there's a lot of wisdom in my words.

Harry: You're kinda creepy you know that? Ok waving the wand now…wow it worked.

Ollivander: VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT!!!!! You have the brother wand to the Big Bad V's.

Harry: *Gulp* Stay away from me.

Hadwig: Oh boy. Here we go. I'm your present. Feeling special now.

Harry: Thanks! Excuse me while I have a much deserved mental breakdown.

Hagrid: You'll be fine! *Pop*

Chapter 6: The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

Harry: Can I have a ride?

Mr. D: Yes

Harry: Going to be late. Can't find the platform anywhere, whoever heard of 93/4 anyway? Look they have an owl, better ask them.

Mrs. W: What a nice young boy. I hope you're keeping track of the people you meet outside of Hogwarts. This here is Ron and amazingly he's starting this year too! I wonder if you'll become best friends? Now run through the barrier.

Harry: I did it.

Fred + George: That kid was Harry Potter!

Mrs. W: You leave him alone and be good.

Ron: Your Harry Potter! Very neat! I come from an incredibly large and underprivileged family. I'll be your best friend for your years at Hogwarts (though we'll have a nice little tiff in forth year where I'll loose some points from some of the readers over the little fit I'm going to take.) Anyway I'm in awe of you at the moment and really nervous about Hogwarts. I'm also slightly bitter and cynical about life because of how far down the line I am. I wish to be famous and have Pepsi want to use me in one of their commercials with what's her face?

Harry: Wow someone talks to me. A childhood full neglect flashes before my eyes. Hey card with Dumbledore on it. Must give writer points for so cleverly hiding an important plot point.

Hermione: Hey guess what I'm the last important person you're going to meet. Cool how we all come in order like that huh? I'm also one of the most stable people in this book. Seen a toad anywhere?

Draco: Me again. Now we see pretty much the full extent of my personality in one scene (or at least what I will continue to show as far as our fourth year). I'm offering you friendship because I actually possess a rather open personality however I do it with a sneer on my face because, let's face it, I'm afraid of rejection. I also want to be famous and admired. If the fic writers don't hate me then I'm normally a tortured soul with some serious issues ranging from being a twisted little Deatheater to my Father having the hot's for me. So what do you say?

Harry: No.

Draco: You suck.

Hagrid: All aboard!

AN: I have no idea if I'll ever finish. I might also look at it tomorrow, wonder what I was on and take it down.