AN: Man this is stupid but oh well.

Chapter seven: The Sorting Hat

Prof McGonagall:  Welcome to Hogwarts, in a few moments we will label you in front of other victims of the same mindless procedure. Be sure to look your best.

Students: Ghosts!

Ghosts: Hope to see you in our old houses because we all know how far it got us.

Sorting Hat: Ok everyone listen up, I'm going to tell you what the houses are and what stereotypes reside in said houses. First there's the star of our show, Gryffindor, they're brave but on average see everything in black and white. Next there's Hufflepuff who are rather stupid but very patient (good combo no?). After that there's a small rhyme about the Ravenclaws were the nerds survive. They are generally ignored. And last but not least the Slytherins. All the evil children go there (I delicately word it but basically it's the house for all the Ted Bundy's and Hannibal's of the world.) If sent to this house here's a piece of advice: sleep with one eye open and read the book 'How to Escape From Prison'. So let's get started! Who's first?

Harry: *Gulp*

Sorting Hat: Go to Slytherin Harry, you know you want to.

Harry: No! Make me!

Sorting Hat: You don't have a choice.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter, apparently I do.

Sorting Hat: Damn.

Gryffindors: We get Harry Potter! We're special!

Dumbledore: I'm so responsible. Stay out of the third floor corridor and Forbidden Forest unless you want to die.

Nearly Headless Nick: I'm your role model. I was so brave that someone almost cut off my head, see? This of course goes right over your heads.

Harry: Food is good. Ouch! Damn it! Pain in scare when I looked at the menacing teacher in black, I wonder if he's evil?

Chapter Eight: The Potions Master

Harry: *Nervous* People are staring at me…

Ron: The jealousy begins.

Peeves: Got your conk!

Filch: *Growl* (Personally I would be really suspicious of anyone who named their cat, who accompanies them everywhere, Mrs. anything.)

Prof Snape: I loath you. You are the bane of my existence. I'm immature and yet skilled at the same time. I also have some deep seeded issues that do not truly start to show until the third chronicle of your fascinating "life". Authors can't seem to decided if they hate me or love, they range from having me run around with a pink teddy bear to taking on a hundred Death Eaters with my bare hands (I prefer the latter.) 5 points off Gryffindor!

Hagrid: I'm hiding something.

Harry: Hey a strategically placed newspaper. Gringots was robbed the day we were there and the vault Hagrid emptied was the target. I'm getting that funny feeling again.

Chapter Nine: The Midnight Duel

Harry: I hate Draco Malfoy…

Readers: Yes we know.

Harry: …and now I must fly with him.

Neville: I got Remembrall (say that five times fast) please notice my forgetfulness.

Draco: Not anymore.

Harry: Time to show I'm an upstanding kinda guy.

Draco: Up, up and away.

Harry: I can fly!...really well.

Prof McGonagall: Big trouble!

Harry: Oh boy, I wonder if everyone caught that little reference to Prof M beating me with stick.

Prof McGonagall: You shall be our new Seeker.

Harry: Alright. Funny this would be such a perfect Gary Stu thing. Just knowing how to fly because it runs in my blood and then get one of the most important spots on the Quidditch team, the one sport everyone in the wizarding world loves. I'm a jock people.

Draco: (with a French accent) I challenge you to a duel. (pulls out white glo- wrong duel) Anyway this is another one of my insecurity stunts, you threaten me therefore I shall attempt to remove you. And bonus: the readers get to see, once again, what an asshole I am. Poet and didn't know it.

Harry: Bring it on! I'm the main character fool; there is no way you can get rid of me that easily.

Ron: We don't know any real spells.

Harry: D'oh. Oh well, lets go anyway. Otherwise how will we ever advance the plot?

Hermione: There will be no advancing without me. Mostly because there has to be a girl somewhere in this story so they can't say it's sexist. It's my job to add prospective.

Neville: Better finish establishing how forgetful and hopeless I am by getting myself locked out because Merlin knows the readers couldn't have gotten it from the flying incident.

Filch: Sniff around my sweet (why are none of his coworkers asking any serious questions about this man's mental and sexual state. Mrs. Norris must have a really big role to play in another book.)

Dream Team and Neville: Run! Look an ominous passageway with a locked door at the end, quick open it. Phew, that was close.

Neville: Three headed dog! Run away! Run away.

Hermione: *Weez* Now before we end the chapter I'm want to draw your attention to another plot point. The Three headed canine was guarding a trap door. Gee, I wonder what on Earth could be down there.

Ron: (Whispering in Harry's ear) Remember the brown bag Hagrid got on your Birthday and then the article.

Harry: (Glaring) Thanks Ron I would never have figured it out on my own.

Ron: Don't mention it mate.

Chapter Ten: Holloween

Harry: I got a package shaped exactly like a broom; I wonder what it could be.

Draco: It's a broomstick, I'm jealous.

Oliver: I teach you Quidditch at which point the readers go to sleep. It's not much better in the movie either; the only thing going for it is the eye candy (my theory as to why Oliver Wood was played by the only good looking male in that movie.)

Hermione: We confirm I'm intelligent by having me do the levitation charm perfectly.

Ron: Moving right along. "No wonder she hasn't got any friends." (Ouch that hurt)

Hermione: Boo hoo

Quirrell: Troll in the dungeon (nuff said)

Harry: We have to rescue Hermione!

Ron: Why? Doesn't that sound kinda stupid? I mean we've had only a few weeks at most training in magic and the chances of us running into the troll seem pretty high to me considering we're the main characters.

Harry: Right there à "we're the main characters"; nothing's going to happen to us.

Ron: (Hits head) Of course.

(There's a big battle with a troll, the first years, against all odds, triumph. As we knew they would.)

Hermione: Now because I told a lie to get them out of trouble we're all friends and so the happy saga truly begins.

Prof Snape: By the way, while all this is happening please be sure to note that I'm looking suitably evil.

Chapter Eleven: Quidditch

Harry: Snape is limping and I want my book back. So I'll just go to the Staff room and…

Prof Snape: God damn dog!

Harry: Filch is caring for Snape's leg, oh my eyes.

Prof Snape: Get out!

Harry: *Gasp* He's the evil spawn of Satan, he let the troll in and he's after whatever's down that trap door.

Ron: You're right Harry!

Hermione: I don't think so. It's a little too obvious. (Quickly) I mean I don't think he would steal something Dumbledore was trying to keep safe.

Oliver: I'm psychotic.

Jordan: I'm comic relief.

(They play Quidditch for a while against the Slytherins. Do they ever play anyone else? Oh right there was that one time against Hufflepuff.)

Harry: This isn't nearly dramatic enough. Whoa, my broom is out of control.

Hermione: It's Snape.

Ron: Knew it.

Readers: Um…

Hagrid: Why don't I notice these things?

Hermione: Burning things is fun…

Snape: WTF?!?!

Harry: I'm having another Gary Stu moment where I catch the snitch even though I'm speeding toward the ground after almost getting thrown off my broom on my first ever Quidditch match.

Hagrid: It wasn't Snape.

Dream Team: Ok whatever.

Hagrid: Fluffy, Nicolas Flamel.

DT: Yay! More clues. Evil doers beware. Plus, let's face it, we need something to get the focus off Snape for a while or he's going to steal the story.