AN: A Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (Hanakimi) fic that I've been wanting to do for a while now, but just recently got the inspiration to just sit down and write. This takes place after the manga when the characters are in college. There may or may not be spoilers for up to chapter 130 of the manga, so... yeah, just depends ^^;
Warnings: None really
Disclaimer: Hanakimi does not belong to me, and belongs to the wonderful mangakan Nakajo Hisaya ^^
Posted: Oct. 2, 2003
Chapter One - Forget Me Not {Memories}
I clearly remember that night two years ago. It was the night before the last day of my last year of high school, and Sano Izumi and I were taking Yuujirou out for a walk in the nearby park. It had been a crisp, cool night, the almost-full moon illuminating everything in a silverish light. A feeling of peace permeated the air and when a brief wind picked up, blasting us with a slight chill of a coming storm, Sano casually dropped an arm around my shoulders.
I had unconsciously leaned against him, wrapping an arm around his waist with a sigh of contentment. My heartbeat had quickened slightly, the way it always seemed to do even after all the time we had spent together. The past few years had been full of ups and downs, but even through all that, I had been happy with the fact that we had finally expressed how we felt about each other. But I still had lingering doubts about our relationship.
Perhaps it was because I still hadn't told him the truth about me. But how could I? It wasn't that I didn't trust him, never that, but it was more for my own protection. If someone had found out, everything I had accomplished would have tumbled down around me. After all, what girl attending an all-boy's school would escape unscathed if discovered?
But that night, the night before we would say our good-bye's, I had felt an urge to tell him the truth. And so I did, suddenly blurting it out on a whim; and immediately after I had taken off, running back to our dorm room with a sense of fear and panic coursing through my veins. I ignored the surprised call of Sano's and Yuujirou's barking, wanting nothing more than to curl up in my bed and hide forever.
No matter how many times Sano had told me he didn't care if I was a girl or a boy – that he liked me for me – there was still a part of me that was afraid of rejection; afraid that if he heard the truth, he would push me away. And so I ran away that night.
That became the biggest regret of my life.
Sano didn't return until late that night, and was gone before I woke up; the only evidence that he had been there being the slightly steamed mirror in the bathroom. I had feared that he was mad at me, even disgusted.
Little did I know that he had met his brother in the park and had spent most of the night talking and catching up with him. He had left early in order to put in a last day of practice before he returned home.
I didn't see him until lunch that day, but I couldn't calm myself down enough to even eat, let alone try to look at him.
I think he had sensed my unease, or maybe he didn't know what to say either, because he left shortly after, saying he still had some packing to do before that evening. Some kids had already left, taking trains home that morning, but for the most part, everyone had arrangements to have parties with their friends later that afternoon before they departed.
I went early to the small party Nakatsu Shuuichi and Kayashima Taiki were holding in their room – more out of fear of being dragged there if I was late than anything else. I hadn't been sure what to expect and it had been... depressing in the sense that I suddenly fully realised that I would probably never see them again. We talked for a while, and surprisingly, no one seemed to be forcing their cheerfulness. They were all full of deciding plans for the summer and making promises to keep in contact.
A part of me wished that I could do the same, but I had to go home to America; a continent some 6,000 miles away. Another part of me was somewhat relieved that I wouldn't have to pretend to be something I wasn't anymore.
I left the party feeling somewhat detached, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. I returned to the empty dorm I had shared with Sano the past four years, smiling slightly at all the memories it held for me. Picking up my bags after a last glance around the room, I took a small, simple, black mesh bracelet out of my pocket and placed it on the desk. I had planned to give it to Sano before I left, but since his things were still in the room, I was confident he would get it in any case.
Turning, I took a deep breath as I prepared to leave that place. Only to find Nakatsu leaning against the doorjamb, hands shoved into his pockets.
"So, you're going back to America, huh?" he asked.
I nodded slightly, not trusting myself to speak.
He ducked his head to look at the ground, hunching his shoulders as he scuffed a foot against the floor. "So, I guess this is goodbye for now..." He glanced up with a small smile and held out his hand; a gesture of friendship.
I swallowed as I stepped forward, feeling my throat tighten in warning. I reached out my own hand and took his, then with a quiet sob I dropped my bags and hugged him tightly, feeling the tears I had tried so hard to hold back finally break free.
"Mizuki..." he said quietly, hugging me back and sounding as if he were trying to control his own tears. I sniffed and tried to calm down as I looked up at him. He was smiling slightly as he raised a hand to wipe away my tears. "Don't cry... I plan on visitin' you whenever I get the chance, so it's not like we'll never see each other again. Besides," he added, elbowing me lightly, "aren't you eager to finally be away from all these guys and be going to where there're some girls?" he teased.
I laughed weakly, knowing how much that statement had cost him, as I swiped an arm across my eyes. "You're right," I agreed. "But you have to admit, there haven't been many dull days around here."
He laughed and I smiled in response, genuinely happy with the memories that surfaced, even if they were somewhat bittersweet.
We hugged again before he picked up my bags and handed them to me, ruffling my hair slightly in a last-goodbye gesture. And then I was off, out of the school, to the airport, and on my way home; back to my life in America, leaving everything in Japan behind.
Including Sano.
And my last hopes.
Some part of me felt as if the past four years of my life had been nothing but a dream. That's what it felt like. Even now I feel like I lost something while I was in Japan. And maybe I did. I can barely remember the true reason I went there in the first place... It's as if, after accomplishing that which I had set out to do, someone else had been able to reap the benefits of my efforts.
I didn't realise how much I would miss him. And if I did, I had been too scared to admit it, even to myself. I miss the way he would look at me when no one else was around and he didn't think I was watching him. I miss being able to watch him sleep and see the way he would sometimes bring his hand to his cheek when he was on his side and in a deep sleep – a sure sign he had been a thumb sucker as a child. I miss his gentle support and the way he would ruffle my hair as a sign of affection. But most of all, I miss his very presence and the pure and utter contentment that came with it; even the small smiles he offered in mild amusement. I miss him more than I ever thought possible – feeling as if you've lost a part of your soul isn't a common sensation...
And even to this day, I wonder exactly how Sano truly feels about me...