Chapter two. :) Salysha, thanks so much! Those are some of our favorite quotes too! :) If I get enough reviews, after "The Return of the Swamp Thing", we may have a few more stories involving your favorite characters...*wink wink* :) Happy mood. :) Yipee. :) :) :)
The Two Cowards, Book 2
Or, In Which Piping Becomes A Ruler And Some Horsies Are Spotted.
Piping opened one eye very very slowly. He was surprised to see that he was surrounded by Corcs. He wondered what went wrong. Why had he listened to old Slimer, anyway? Why was it that sometimes he listened, and sometimes he didn't? Why should he even think of listening to Slimer? Why didn't he run away from him far sooner? It was a paradox. Piping mulled over it, savoring it. He loved paradoxes. He liked to think up several before breakfast, if possible.
"Hey, Corc!" he shouted to the nearest. "Heard any good paradoxes lately?"
"Yeah, there's one about a Daft and a Self that go into a grocery store and one of 'em has a turtle on a leash..."
"That ain't nothin'!" said another. "Did you hear the one about Mt. Lurbalurba?"
"No no no!" said Piping. "I don't mean jokes. I mean questions. Deep, unfathomable questions that probe the very strands of the universe! Questions that bring to mind truths, such truths the world has not known since the beginnings of time!" Piping stood up and struck a dramatic pose. "Why should we be at war? Why should we not be at peace, and like everybody? Oh, how I long for the day when there shall be no more hunger! No more strife! Ah, it pierces my heart! The wantonness, nay, the heedless way in which we who were born to fight must wage this foul war! Cannot thou who art the captors have pity on us, which have done no man wrong, who cannot defend themselves, much less their happy, rustic homes?"
Piping, hearing a choking sound pulled himself from his soliloquy and looked about him. To his amazement every single Corc that surrounded him was sobbing heartily. He sat down in shock. Never before had his acting brought such a reaction. In the Mire all it had done was get a general laugh.
"Great job," hissed Mary Christmas, who had been lying beside him. "I couldn't have done it better myself."
The Corc which appeared to be the leader stood up.
"Fellow Corcs! We just have heard this Blobbit speak eloquent words that bring us to the shores of the Lost Selvish Lands and back. We shall not therefore bring these Blobbits to Sillyman, but treat them like kings! For if this one Blobbit, which Sillyman told us was the dumb one, can speak so well, how will the other ones speak? Fair words of wise counsel will they bring to us misunderstood Corcs! Let the other Blobbit speak fair words of wise wisdom!"
"Hear hear!" the other Corcs cried.
Mary stood up. "Well, uh, um, let us gather at the river, 'cause it is well, um, I always speak better lying down, no that's not it, um, uh, 2 + 2 =5, no, um, melodramatic cranberry mush, um..."
While this was going on, Piping was busy writing down his fair words of wise wisdom to be published later as Common Sense, but that was when he was wanted by the law.
"Let he who has the wild flakkberries, come forth!" cried Piping. Immediately a Corc knelt before him and presented him with a covered bowl.
"Take this, your excellency," he said.
Piping laughed for sheer joy and ate the berries.
"Fellow ingrates!" cried Piping. "I heard you say that you would not take us to Sillyman. But you shall take us; not though as slaves, but to conquer! I wish the tower of Ithinc to be my own! The center of my kingdom! And you shall get it for me, perhaps sacrificing your very lives for my sake. Savvy?"
All the Corcs bowed before him and picked he and Mary up tenderly. Then they made their way to the tower of Sillyman, already singing of victory. (And flakkberries.)
When our tyrant told us to
capture your friend and you,
He did not know
what we now know,
that you would be our king!
The berries you have eaten,
the chains you have broken.
We now know
what he did not know,
Lead us on, O king!
There once was a Corc from Nantucket,
Who got his head stuck in a bucket.
He gave a great shout,
But no one was about,
So he never got it unstucket.
He did not know, what we now know,
That Piping is our king!
When the silver moon sets
three days from now,
The tyrant will arise
from a sound slumber,
and meet you face to face!
Our king will be victorious
well will he rule o'er us
And when our tyrant bites the dust
Piping will be our king!
(Not very good, perhaps, but Piping was stuffing himself with more flakkberries and didn't care.) (Actually, there's no perhaps about it.)
*************************************************************************
When Wimpy awoke, he was aware that he had been dragged for some miles. "My socks!" he cried.
"Stop and quit that whining!" hissed Arrogant, thus using a double negative in a single sentence.
"Hey, you justÉ" said Legless.
"I know I just used a double negative in a single sentence!" bellowed Arrogant.
"But..."
"When I want your advice with grammar I'll ask!" continued Arrogant.
"WE JUST PASSED A TOKEN OF THE TWERPY LITTLE BLOBBITS!!!!!!!!" screamed Legless with such magnitude that Wimpy opened both eyes.
"Huh?" said Arrogant.
"I don't care about your grammar. I'm just worried about running into those dratted ding-donged dingbatted doggoned blobbits again!"
"There you go again," muttered Wimpy.
"Hey," cried Arrogant suddenly, "My wallet is gone!"
"Mine too!" cried Legless in dismay.
"Piping," the three chorused.
"We must go after them," said Arrogant with determination.
"What have we been doing?" said Wimpy.
Legless and Arrogant looked at each other.
"Who cares?" snapped the Man. "We've got to teach those two brats a lesson." He pulled such a grim face that the Self burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh. This is serious!" cried Wimpy.
"If we're serious, shouldn't we get going?" said Arrogant.
The trio hoisted what was left of the packs on their shoulders and strumped off as fast as they could. Arrogant strode ahead, leading them on like a deer.
"Carry me," he whimpered ten minutes later.
Legless rolled his eyes and picked Arrogant up. Three minutes later, they came to a very steep slope.
"Hmmm," said Wimpy, "I see some riders on spotted horses in the valley down below."
"What? Riders?" said Arrogant trying to turn around. But, alas, Arrogant was strapped to the back of Legless's wheelchair, so, alas, you can guess what happened. The last thing Arrogant remembered before a stone struck his head was Wimpy jumping up and down and chattering.
*************************************************************************
"I wanna go home!" wailed Tom.
"Shaddap," said Hoho. They were standing on a rise, looking upon the mountains of Darkness.
"I figure within a month, if the weather holds, and no unfortunate disasters befall us, we ought to have destroyed the Ring and be on our way back."
"Maybe not," said Tom. "We might die before we reach the mountains, and the vultures will pick the stringy flesh off of our bones which will then bleach in the harsh sunlight!"
"Why did I have to bring you with me, Tom?" muttered Hoho. ÒI could have brought nice cheerful Wimpy, or at least Piping who would have counseled me with my world domination scheme, but noo...Ó
They climbed down the knoll and wound their way through the rocks and crags. For days they had been following a faint path, but that had disappeared some time ago. The blobbits now came upon a gorge. It stretched miles and miles in either direction, and since it was dusk, they could not see to the bottom.
"I suppose we climb down?" said Hoho uncertainly.
"How do we know how deep it is?" said Tom.
Hoho peered down into the darkness. He peered up at Tom with a queer look in his eye.
"Oh no you don't!" cried Tom. "You ain't throwing me down there!"
"Let's look in the packs," said Hoho.
Tom and Hoho rummaged through the four backpacks.
"This one's Wimpy's," said Tom pulling out several yellow ducks. "He did pack his rubber duckies after all!" He tossed them over the cliff, and they squeaked as they hit the ground.
"Aha!" said Hoho. "Look what I found!" He held up a little plastic container filled with dental floss. "I'll let you down the cliff with this!"
"I don't think so, Mr. Hoho," said Tom disbelievingly.
But Hoho had already tied one end of the floss to Tom's foot and was pushing him towards the edge. There was a brief and violent struggle, but ultimately Hoho won out. Tom plummeted down into the darkness with a shriek. Hoho waited, leaning over the edge, anticipating. His anticipation was cut short as Tom lurched into view and grabbed Hoho's collar, pulling him down into the abyss. They fell precisely four feet into a pile of dried vegetation. They tussled around for about an hour before being so exhausted that they just crawled to either side of the cliff and sat staring at one another, waiting for the other to fall asleep.
The Two Cowards, Book 2
Or, In Which Piping Becomes A Ruler And Some Horsies Are Spotted.
Piping opened one eye very very slowly. He was surprised to see that he was surrounded by Corcs. He wondered what went wrong. Why had he listened to old Slimer, anyway? Why was it that sometimes he listened, and sometimes he didn't? Why should he even think of listening to Slimer? Why didn't he run away from him far sooner? It was a paradox. Piping mulled over it, savoring it. He loved paradoxes. He liked to think up several before breakfast, if possible.
"Hey, Corc!" he shouted to the nearest. "Heard any good paradoxes lately?"
"Yeah, there's one about a Daft and a Self that go into a grocery store and one of 'em has a turtle on a leash..."
"That ain't nothin'!" said another. "Did you hear the one about Mt. Lurbalurba?"
"No no no!" said Piping. "I don't mean jokes. I mean questions. Deep, unfathomable questions that probe the very strands of the universe! Questions that bring to mind truths, such truths the world has not known since the beginnings of time!" Piping stood up and struck a dramatic pose. "Why should we be at war? Why should we not be at peace, and like everybody? Oh, how I long for the day when there shall be no more hunger! No more strife! Ah, it pierces my heart! The wantonness, nay, the heedless way in which we who were born to fight must wage this foul war! Cannot thou who art the captors have pity on us, which have done no man wrong, who cannot defend themselves, much less their happy, rustic homes?"
Piping, hearing a choking sound pulled himself from his soliloquy and looked about him. To his amazement every single Corc that surrounded him was sobbing heartily. He sat down in shock. Never before had his acting brought such a reaction. In the Mire all it had done was get a general laugh.
"Great job," hissed Mary Christmas, who had been lying beside him. "I couldn't have done it better myself."
The Corc which appeared to be the leader stood up.
"Fellow Corcs! We just have heard this Blobbit speak eloquent words that bring us to the shores of the Lost Selvish Lands and back. We shall not therefore bring these Blobbits to Sillyman, but treat them like kings! For if this one Blobbit, which Sillyman told us was the dumb one, can speak so well, how will the other ones speak? Fair words of wise counsel will they bring to us misunderstood Corcs! Let the other Blobbit speak fair words of wise wisdom!"
"Hear hear!" the other Corcs cried.
Mary stood up. "Well, uh, um, let us gather at the river, 'cause it is well, um, I always speak better lying down, no that's not it, um, uh, 2 + 2 =5, no, um, melodramatic cranberry mush, um..."
While this was going on, Piping was busy writing down his fair words of wise wisdom to be published later as Common Sense, but that was when he was wanted by the law.
"Let he who has the wild flakkberries, come forth!" cried Piping. Immediately a Corc knelt before him and presented him with a covered bowl.
"Take this, your excellency," he said.
Piping laughed for sheer joy and ate the berries.
"Fellow ingrates!" cried Piping. "I heard you say that you would not take us to Sillyman. But you shall take us; not though as slaves, but to conquer! I wish the tower of Ithinc to be my own! The center of my kingdom! And you shall get it for me, perhaps sacrificing your very lives for my sake. Savvy?"
All the Corcs bowed before him and picked he and Mary up tenderly. Then they made their way to the tower of Sillyman, already singing of victory. (And flakkberries.)
When our tyrant told us to
capture your friend and you,
He did not know
what we now know,
that you would be our king!
The berries you have eaten,
the chains you have broken.
We now know
what he did not know,
Lead us on, O king!
There once was a Corc from Nantucket,
Who got his head stuck in a bucket.
He gave a great shout,
But no one was about,
So he never got it unstucket.
He did not know, what we now know,
That Piping is our king!
When the silver moon sets
three days from now,
The tyrant will arise
from a sound slumber,
and meet you face to face!
Our king will be victorious
well will he rule o'er us
And when our tyrant bites the dust
Piping will be our king!
(Not very good, perhaps, but Piping was stuffing himself with more flakkberries and didn't care.) (Actually, there's no perhaps about it.)
*************************************************************************
When Wimpy awoke, he was aware that he had been dragged for some miles. "My socks!" he cried.
"Stop and quit that whining!" hissed Arrogant, thus using a double negative in a single sentence.
"Hey, you justÉ" said Legless.
"I know I just used a double negative in a single sentence!" bellowed Arrogant.
"But..."
"When I want your advice with grammar I'll ask!" continued Arrogant.
"WE JUST PASSED A TOKEN OF THE TWERPY LITTLE BLOBBITS!!!!!!!!" screamed Legless with such magnitude that Wimpy opened both eyes.
"Huh?" said Arrogant.
"I don't care about your grammar. I'm just worried about running into those dratted ding-donged dingbatted doggoned blobbits again!"
"There you go again," muttered Wimpy.
"Hey," cried Arrogant suddenly, "My wallet is gone!"
"Mine too!" cried Legless in dismay.
"Piping," the three chorused.
"We must go after them," said Arrogant with determination.
"What have we been doing?" said Wimpy.
Legless and Arrogant looked at each other.
"Who cares?" snapped the Man. "We've got to teach those two brats a lesson." He pulled such a grim face that the Self burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh. This is serious!" cried Wimpy.
"If we're serious, shouldn't we get going?" said Arrogant.
The trio hoisted what was left of the packs on their shoulders and strumped off as fast as they could. Arrogant strode ahead, leading them on like a deer.
"Carry me," he whimpered ten minutes later.
Legless rolled his eyes and picked Arrogant up. Three minutes later, they came to a very steep slope.
"Hmmm," said Wimpy, "I see some riders on spotted horses in the valley down below."
"What? Riders?" said Arrogant trying to turn around. But, alas, Arrogant was strapped to the back of Legless's wheelchair, so, alas, you can guess what happened. The last thing Arrogant remembered before a stone struck his head was Wimpy jumping up and down and chattering.
*************************************************************************
"I wanna go home!" wailed Tom.
"Shaddap," said Hoho. They were standing on a rise, looking upon the mountains of Darkness.
"I figure within a month, if the weather holds, and no unfortunate disasters befall us, we ought to have destroyed the Ring and be on our way back."
"Maybe not," said Tom. "We might die before we reach the mountains, and the vultures will pick the stringy flesh off of our bones which will then bleach in the harsh sunlight!"
"Why did I have to bring you with me, Tom?" muttered Hoho. ÒI could have brought nice cheerful Wimpy, or at least Piping who would have counseled me with my world domination scheme, but noo...Ó
They climbed down the knoll and wound their way through the rocks and crags. For days they had been following a faint path, but that had disappeared some time ago. The blobbits now came upon a gorge. It stretched miles and miles in either direction, and since it was dusk, they could not see to the bottom.
"I suppose we climb down?" said Hoho uncertainly.
"How do we know how deep it is?" said Tom.
Hoho peered down into the darkness. He peered up at Tom with a queer look in his eye.
"Oh no you don't!" cried Tom. "You ain't throwing me down there!"
"Let's look in the packs," said Hoho.
Tom and Hoho rummaged through the four backpacks.
"This one's Wimpy's," said Tom pulling out several yellow ducks. "He did pack his rubber duckies after all!" He tossed them over the cliff, and they squeaked as they hit the ground.
"Aha!" said Hoho. "Look what I found!" He held up a little plastic container filled with dental floss. "I'll let you down the cliff with this!"
"I don't think so, Mr. Hoho," said Tom disbelievingly.
But Hoho had already tied one end of the floss to Tom's foot and was pushing him towards the edge. There was a brief and violent struggle, but ultimately Hoho won out. Tom plummeted down into the darkness with a shriek. Hoho waited, leaning over the edge, anticipating. His anticipation was cut short as Tom lurched into view and grabbed Hoho's collar, pulling him down into the abyss. They fell precisely four feet into a pile of dried vegetation. They tussled around for about an hour before being so exhausted that they just crawled to either side of the cliff and sat staring at one another, waiting for the other to fall asleep.