Ok, book 3. I may not be posting this story very quickly, there's only 7 books in this, and we have book one of part three only partly finished. :O *panics* (Does that make sense?)
Innyhoo, here ya'll are.
Gilbo, the dwarf name "Groin" is one I've seen on probably every site with a parody. It's soooo overused. I like Wimpy. It was a tossup between "Wimpy" and "Gimpy" in the beginning.
The Two Cowards. Book 3.
Or, In Which Piping Is Reverted To His Former State, The 3 Hunters Meet The Horsie People, and Hoho and Tom Meet Someone They Did Not Expect.
Piping and Mary were at the peak of their respective careers. All the corcs agreed that Piping was the best king they had ever had, and Piping agreed with them that Mary stunk as a court jester.
"Knock knock!" said Mary.
"Look!" cried a corc, pointing across the fields. "Horsiemen!"
And indeed, as Piping looked across the waving fields, his eyes met the sight.
The Corcs whispered among themselves for a few seconds. "We will not abandon Piping to the torment of the Horsie-people!" they cried (by which they meant no flakkberries).
"We must keep our king from those rapscallions!" cried the corc again. "Throw him over the cliff!"
"What?" shrieked Piping. "What? My hearing just went out, I thought you just said throw me over the cliff!"
"We did, oh king," said the corc, kneeling. "We cannot let men such as those capture you! So farewell, beloved king." And with that, the corc tossed Piping and Mary off the cliff. They tumbled down the slope, and rolled and rolled and rolled until they came to a stop. They lifted their eyes to see a deep shadowed forest. They looked at each other in suspicion.
"Shall we go in?" said Mary.
"I reckon," said Piping doubtfully.
They walked in for about three yards before falling into a pit filled with the most disgusting green slime they had ever encountered. They stood in the huge pit, admiring the green slime.
"Okay," said Piping, "You got us in here. Now get us out."
"I'm not sure," said Mary, "The green slime befits you greatly, D vitamins and all that jazz."
"ThatIsUncommonlyKindOfYouIAlmostFeelThatIHateYouBothVeryMuchButLet'sTakeALookAtYou," said a voice. They were wrenched around and found themselves staring at a strange creature. It was within the range of 14 to 15 feet tall, but all Piping could notice were his eyes. Extremely bloodshot, and nervously glancing about.
"G-g-great leaping yeti!" said Mary, "Who and what are you?"
"IAmFleeneesAndIAmTheGuardianOfThisForestAndWhatAreYouDoingInMySlimePit?" said the creature, quite rapidly.
"Slime pit?" said Piping. "I don't see any slime pit. Do you see any slime pit, Mary?"
"No, I don't see any slime pit, Piping," quavered Mary, his eyes clenched shut.
Fleenees frowned. "IfYouDoNotSeeAnySlimePitWhatDoYouThinkYouWereStandingInWhenIFoundYouIThinkYou'reLyingToMeIHaveHalfAMindToCrushYouLikeFlies."
"Oh that slime pit!" cried Piping. "Heh heh."
"IDoNotAppreciateBadJokesInsultingMyIntellegence," said the creature.
"I wasn't insulting you, Mr. Fleenees!" said Piping, "Under no circumstance would I insult someone of your size!"
"ThatIsVeryGoodNowIWon'tHaveToSquishYouLikeLittleBugs," he said.
"What are you?" said Piping.
"If you please," added Mary with Haste.
"IAmARent," said Fleenees. "AndWeMustBeGoingNowForItIsTimeForACupOfRentDraught."
"What is a Rent Draught?" said Mary.
"JavaJavaJavaJavaJava," chanted Fleenees scooping the blobbits up and leaping deeper into the forest in great bounds. The blobbits wondered about many things as they were jerked up and down with the force of a jackhammer. (Not the least of which was the sanity of the Authors.)
************************************************************************
Arrogant's eyes fluttered open and then closed. He turned his head slowly and painfully and saw Wimpy eating a salad. To his utter horror, the daft spat the salad into his hand and then rubbed it all over Arrogant's face.
"AIIGGHH!!" screeched the man, jumping around like a maniac.
"I've always wanted to do that," said Wimpy brightly.
"But why would you want to do it to me?" wailed Arrogant rapidly rubbing his face.
"Why do you think?" snarled Legless.
"Horsies!" cried Wimpy.
And indeed, as Arrogant looked down from the hill they were perched on, there did seem to be horsies coming.
"There are men on the horsies!" cried Legless.
"But there are horsies without men!" said Wimpy.
"But there are no men without horsies!" said Legless.
"Do you mind?" said Arrogant frustratedly.
"Shall we run?" said Legless.
"No," said the man. "We shall will wait here."
"But do we await death?" queried Wimpy worriedly. Arrogant answered by singing a song.
ÒWhere is the lunch in the lunchbox?
Where is the road crew that is supposed to be working?
They have passed like a day in the life
Of a daft who wonÕt shut up.
If this daft insists on jabbering,
There will be heck to pay in the morning.
I will yank off his beard and feed it to his cat,
His backpack I will invert over his head.
Then this cliff which seems so lonely,
Will not feel useless any longer.Ó
ÒBut do we await death?Ó said Wimpy more earnestly than before.
Arrogant chuckled. "Right," he said. "And the cow jumped over the moon."
"Where? said the daft eagerly craning to see.
"I was being sarsactic!" cried Arrogant sarcastically.
"Yeah, right," said Legless sarcastically.
"Well, I didn't know!" wailed Wimpy devastatedly.
"Tell me, what are a Man, a Self and a Daft doing in these lands?" asked a voice.
The three travelers whirled around. While they were arguing like a bunch of revolving doors that would bang against each other, the men on the horsies had surrounded them.
"We were looking for some, uh, friends," said Arrogant. "Have you seen them?"
The men snickered amongst themselves.
"Nope, no friends," said the head man. "Just a bunch of corcs, which we chased off."
"Well, they weren't exactly friends. They were just blobbits."
"And what are blobbits?" said the man.
"Half-wits," explained Legless.
"Well, give me a sandwich and call it lunchtime!" said the man. "I didn't know they existed!"
"Unfortunately, they do," sighed Arrogant. "They stole our wallets."
The Horsey Men clashed spear upon shield and shouted in anger. The clashing and shouting evolved into a pulsing, throbbing beat, and soon someone broke out into a dance.
Arrogant whirled around in confusion. Wimpy danced off to join the throng which now encircled the knoll. Legless bobbed in his wheelchair.
"Hey, hey now!" shouted Arrogant.
"Hey, hey, hey," chanted the throng.
"Get me outta here!" shrieked the man.
"Someone help me out of this circling maze," crooned Legless.
"I'm going to eat everyone's lunch!" cried Arrogant. There was dead silence. Spears were at once lowered towards the travelers.
"It is dangerous to speak so to someone who has you surrounded," snarled the head man. "Now tell me your names that I may write them down on a list and post them on a bulletin board."
"Why don't you tell us yours?" said Wimpy. "Because we were tied on a swan boat by Gladreel of the Loth L—ri Inn and set down the river where our wallets were stolen by some twerpy companions and you may feel very very sorry for us, right?"
"Gladreel, eh?" said the man. "Well, I've heard she's a nice lady."
"Take it back, you big fat stupid head!" screamed Wimpy.
"My name is Yawner, nephew of the king Theoldone, Third Marshal of the Riddlemark," said the guy. "And I say that I would like to stay at the Loth L—ri Inn."
"Well, Yawner, nephew of the king whatever, yadda yadda yadda, let Wimpy son of Gl—inthedark warn you against foolish talk. You speak fair of which is evil beyond the reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you."
"Is that an insult?" whispered Yawner to the man beside him.
"What bulletin board is that?" asked Legless.
"The to-do list for the gladiators," said the man writing down Wimpy's name.
"My name is Hoho Flaggins," said the Self.
"No it's not!" said Wimpy. "It's Legless son of Sockitooya, who is the king of Smirkwood!"
Legless glared at the Daft.
"Now who are you?" said Yawner, turning to Arrogant.
"I am called by some Slimer, by others stupid," said the man.
"Both of which are very silly names!" said Yawner. "Now what is your real name?"
"I am Arrogant son of Thornbush!" cried Arrogant, yanking Andy out of it's sheath and hitting a nearby rider in the jaw. "I am the rightful king of Flounder. Now kneel before me and beg my pardon for all of your insulting jabber!"
"Well, give me a microphone and call me Frank Sinatra!" said Yawner. "Legends have come to life today, haven't they? How about I just lend you some horsies and send you to look for your wallets?"
"Ok!" said Arrogant.
"Uh, Arrogant, I can't ride a horse," whispered Legless.
"You'll learn," said Yawner. "Our horsies are easy learners. Well," he gestured grandly, "Go on and look for your little friends. And remember, hope lies under every rock and bush!"
The companions looked at each other strangely. Arrogant leaped onto a big huge grey horse with a wicked look in his eyes.
"I can't ride a horse! I don't have any legs!" shouted Legless.
"I'll hold you on!" said Wimpy brightly.
"You mean actually touch me?" said the Self in disgust, shrinking away from the Daft.
They tied the screaming and flailing Self to the back of a flighty chestnut horse, and Wimpy perched behind him. Then the companions rode off into the sunset to meet their future, though not with much enthusiasm, it would seem.
***************************************************************
When Hoho stood up the next morning, he fell over asleep. Tom took this chance to flee. Six feet from the prostrate form of Hoho, he keeled over. Hours passed. Hours, in which if they had put aside their differences, they could have accomplished something that would have made the world proud.
It was within the space of these few hours, that unmarked and alone, a small wiry figure crept near and crouched waiting.
Hoho's eyes fluttered open. He sat up. He saw Tom's body lying close. He crept towards it with questionable intent.
"Greetings and salutations," said a voice with a rich, robust and spicy english accent.
"AIEE!!" shrieked Hoho. Tom leapt up and also said "AIEE!!".
"Who are you?" demanded Hoho.
"I am Solemn. I have been looking for you," said the creature.
"Get away!" shouted Hoho, drawing Thing. From far away, they heard the barking of dogs.
"I came to offer my services as a guide," said Solemn. "I can guide you to the very cracks of gloom, if you wish. Not to mention my excellent mapmaking services, if you wish to return to that spot again."
"Oh, if that's all. Hey! How did you escape?"
"I bribed a guard. All thee escapees did. Do you accept my rather generous offer?"
"Sure, ok," said Hoho. "Which way do you propose to go?"
"Well, first we traipse through the Emmy Mule, then slog through the Mostly Dead Marshes, and then through the black gate and from there, well, you know."
"But we're in a ravine," said Tom.
Solemn easily clambered up the wall, which was so split and weathered that it served as stairs.
"Oh," said Tom.
And the queer trio traipsed off, to find that which they sought. But alas, traipsing through the Emmy Mule was not as easy as Solemn had made it sound.
Innyhoo, here ya'll are.
Gilbo, the dwarf name "Groin" is one I've seen on probably every site with a parody. It's soooo overused. I like Wimpy. It was a tossup between "Wimpy" and "Gimpy" in the beginning.
The Two Cowards. Book 3.
Or, In Which Piping Is Reverted To His Former State, The 3 Hunters Meet The Horsie People, and Hoho and Tom Meet Someone They Did Not Expect.
Piping and Mary were at the peak of their respective careers. All the corcs agreed that Piping was the best king they had ever had, and Piping agreed with them that Mary stunk as a court jester.
"Knock knock!" said Mary.
"Look!" cried a corc, pointing across the fields. "Horsiemen!"
And indeed, as Piping looked across the waving fields, his eyes met the sight.
The Corcs whispered among themselves for a few seconds. "We will not abandon Piping to the torment of the Horsie-people!" they cried (by which they meant no flakkberries).
"We must keep our king from those rapscallions!" cried the corc again. "Throw him over the cliff!"
"What?" shrieked Piping. "What? My hearing just went out, I thought you just said throw me over the cliff!"
"We did, oh king," said the corc, kneeling. "We cannot let men such as those capture you! So farewell, beloved king." And with that, the corc tossed Piping and Mary off the cliff. They tumbled down the slope, and rolled and rolled and rolled until they came to a stop. They lifted their eyes to see a deep shadowed forest. They looked at each other in suspicion.
"Shall we go in?" said Mary.
"I reckon," said Piping doubtfully.
They walked in for about three yards before falling into a pit filled with the most disgusting green slime they had ever encountered. They stood in the huge pit, admiring the green slime.
"Okay," said Piping, "You got us in here. Now get us out."
"I'm not sure," said Mary, "The green slime befits you greatly, D vitamins and all that jazz."
"ThatIsUncommonlyKindOfYouIAlmostFeelThatIHateYouBothVeryMuchButLet'sTakeALookAtYou," said a voice. They were wrenched around and found themselves staring at a strange creature. It was within the range of 14 to 15 feet tall, but all Piping could notice were his eyes. Extremely bloodshot, and nervously glancing about.
"G-g-great leaping yeti!" said Mary, "Who and what are you?"
"IAmFleeneesAndIAmTheGuardianOfThisForestAndWhatAreYouDoingInMySlimePit?" said the creature, quite rapidly.
"Slime pit?" said Piping. "I don't see any slime pit. Do you see any slime pit, Mary?"
"No, I don't see any slime pit, Piping," quavered Mary, his eyes clenched shut.
Fleenees frowned. "IfYouDoNotSeeAnySlimePitWhatDoYouThinkYouWereStandingInWhenIFoundYouIThinkYou'reLyingToMeIHaveHalfAMindToCrushYouLikeFlies."
"Oh that slime pit!" cried Piping. "Heh heh."
"IDoNotAppreciateBadJokesInsultingMyIntellegence," said the creature.
"I wasn't insulting you, Mr. Fleenees!" said Piping, "Under no circumstance would I insult someone of your size!"
"ThatIsVeryGoodNowIWon'tHaveToSquishYouLikeLittleBugs," he said.
"What are you?" said Piping.
"If you please," added Mary with Haste.
"IAmARent," said Fleenees. "AndWeMustBeGoingNowForItIsTimeForACupOfRentDraught."
"What is a Rent Draught?" said Mary.
"JavaJavaJavaJavaJava," chanted Fleenees scooping the blobbits up and leaping deeper into the forest in great bounds. The blobbits wondered about many things as they were jerked up and down with the force of a jackhammer. (Not the least of which was the sanity of the Authors.)
************************************************************************
Arrogant's eyes fluttered open and then closed. He turned his head slowly and painfully and saw Wimpy eating a salad. To his utter horror, the daft spat the salad into his hand and then rubbed it all over Arrogant's face.
"AIIGGHH!!" screeched the man, jumping around like a maniac.
"I've always wanted to do that," said Wimpy brightly.
"But why would you want to do it to me?" wailed Arrogant rapidly rubbing his face.
"Why do you think?" snarled Legless.
"Horsies!" cried Wimpy.
And indeed, as Arrogant looked down from the hill they were perched on, there did seem to be horsies coming.
"There are men on the horsies!" cried Legless.
"But there are horsies without men!" said Wimpy.
"But there are no men without horsies!" said Legless.
"Do you mind?" said Arrogant frustratedly.
"Shall we run?" said Legless.
"No," said the man. "We shall will wait here."
"But do we await death?" queried Wimpy worriedly. Arrogant answered by singing a song.
ÒWhere is the lunch in the lunchbox?
Where is the road crew that is supposed to be working?
They have passed like a day in the life
Of a daft who wonÕt shut up.
If this daft insists on jabbering,
There will be heck to pay in the morning.
I will yank off his beard and feed it to his cat,
His backpack I will invert over his head.
Then this cliff which seems so lonely,
Will not feel useless any longer.Ó
ÒBut do we await death?Ó said Wimpy more earnestly than before.
Arrogant chuckled. "Right," he said. "And the cow jumped over the moon."
"Where? said the daft eagerly craning to see.
"I was being sarsactic!" cried Arrogant sarcastically.
"Yeah, right," said Legless sarcastically.
"Well, I didn't know!" wailed Wimpy devastatedly.
"Tell me, what are a Man, a Self and a Daft doing in these lands?" asked a voice.
The three travelers whirled around. While they were arguing like a bunch of revolving doors that would bang against each other, the men on the horsies had surrounded them.
"We were looking for some, uh, friends," said Arrogant. "Have you seen them?"
The men snickered amongst themselves.
"Nope, no friends," said the head man. "Just a bunch of corcs, which we chased off."
"Well, they weren't exactly friends. They were just blobbits."
"And what are blobbits?" said the man.
"Half-wits," explained Legless.
"Well, give me a sandwich and call it lunchtime!" said the man. "I didn't know they existed!"
"Unfortunately, they do," sighed Arrogant. "They stole our wallets."
The Horsey Men clashed spear upon shield and shouted in anger. The clashing and shouting evolved into a pulsing, throbbing beat, and soon someone broke out into a dance.
Arrogant whirled around in confusion. Wimpy danced off to join the throng which now encircled the knoll. Legless bobbed in his wheelchair.
"Hey, hey now!" shouted Arrogant.
"Hey, hey, hey," chanted the throng.
"Get me outta here!" shrieked the man.
"Someone help me out of this circling maze," crooned Legless.
"I'm going to eat everyone's lunch!" cried Arrogant. There was dead silence. Spears were at once lowered towards the travelers.
"It is dangerous to speak so to someone who has you surrounded," snarled the head man. "Now tell me your names that I may write them down on a list and post them on a bulletin board."
"Why don't you tell us yours?" said Wimpy. "Because we were tied on a swan boat by Gladreel of the Loth L—ri Inn and set down the river where our wallets were stolen by some twerpy companions and you may feel very very sorry for us, right?"
"Gladreel, eh?" said the man. "Well, I've heard she's a nice lady."
"Take it back, you big fat stupid head!" screamed Wimpy.
"My name is Yawner, nephew of the king Theoldone, Third Marshal of the Riddlemark," said the guy. "And I say that I would like to stay at the Loth L—ri Inn."
"Well, Yawner, nephew of the king whatever, yadda yadda yadda, let Wimpy son of Gl—inthedark warn you against foolish talk. You speak fair of which is evil beyond the reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you."
"Is that an insult?" whispered Yawner to the man beside him.
"What bulletin board is that?" asked Legless.
"The to-do list for the gladiators," said the man writing down Wimpy's name.
"My name is Hoho Flaggins," said the Self.
"No it's not!" said Wimpy. "It's Legless son of Sockitooya, who is the king of Smirkwood!"
Legless glared at the Daft.
"Now who are you?" said Yawner, turning to Arrogant.
"I am called by some Slimer, by others stupid," said the man.
"Both of which are very silly names!" said Yawner. "Now what is your real name?"
"I am Arrogant son of Thornbush!" cried Arrogant, yanking Andy out of it's sheath and hitting a nearby rider in the jaw. "I am the rightful king of Flounder. Now kneel before me and beg my pardon for all of your insulting jabber!"
"Well, give me a microphone and call me Frank Sinatra!" said Yawner. "Legends have come to life today, haven't they? How about I just lend you some horsies and send you to look for your wallets?"
"Ok!" said Arrogant.
"Uh, Arrogant, I can't ride a horse," whispered Legless.
"You'll learn," said Yawner. "Our horsies are easy learners. Well," he gestured grandly, "Go on and look for your little friends. And remember, hope lies under every rock and bush!"
The companions looked at each other strangely. Arrogant leaped onto a big huge grey horse with a wicked look in his eyes.
"I can't ride a horse! I don't have any legs!" shouted Legless.
"I'll hold you on!" said Wimpy brightly.
"You mean actually touch me?" said the Self in disgust, shrinking away from the Daft.
They tied the screaming and flailing Self to the back of a flighty chestnut horse, and Wimpy perched behind him. Then the companions rode off into the sunset to meet their future, though not with much enthusiasm, it would seem.
***************************************************************
When Hoho stood up the next morning, he fell over asleep. Tom took this chance to flee. Six feet from the prostrate form of Hoho, he keeled over. Hours passed. Hours, in which if they had put aside their differences, they could have accomplished something that would have made the world proud.
It was within the space of these few hours, that unmarked and alone, a small wiry figure crept near and crouched waiting.
Hoho's eyes fluttered open. He sat up. He saw Tom's body lying close. He crept towards it with questionable intent.
"Greetings and salutations," said a voice with a rich, robust and spicy english accent.
"AIEE!!" shrieked Hoho. Tom leapt up and also said "AIEE!!".
"Who are you?" demanded Hoho.
"I am Solemn. I have been looking for you," said the creature.
"Get away!" shouted Hoho, drawing Thing. From far away, they heard the barking of dogs.
"I came to offer my services as a guide," said Solemn. "I can guide you to the very cracks of gloom, if you wish. Not to mention my excellent mapmaking services, if you wish to return to that spot again."
"Oh, if that's all. Hey! How did you escape?"
"I bribed a guard. All thee escapees did. Do you accept my rather generous offer?"
"Sure, ok," said Hoho. "Which way do you propose to go?"
"Well, first we traipse through the Emmy Mule, then slog through the Mostly Dead Marshes, and then through the black gate and from there, well, you know."
"But we're in a ravine," said Tom.
Solemn easily clambered up the wall, which was so split and weathered that it served as stairs.
"Oh," said Tom.
And the queer trio traipsed off, to find that which they sought. But alas, traipsing through the Emmy Mule was not as easy as Solemn had made it sound.