Chapter Five : Too Much Reading, and Then Even More Talking
Meanwhile, at some castle that seriously needs a new paint job, a tortured Gollem yells, "Yeargh! YAAAAHHH! Wha! Wha! YYYEEEAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!" After these telling words, nine tricycle-riding riders in Halloween masks and orange robes ventured out of this castle and off to find the One Weed.
At the same time, Gandalf had been riding his horse for several weeks. Eventually, Gandalf arrived at some kind of ancient city and began reading some dusty old scrolls. Gandalf began to read one and began to say aloud, "The year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor, and the finding of the Weed of Power. 'It has come to me. The One Weed. It shall blah blah blah blah yaddah yaddah It's great and stuff blah blah blah It's precious big whoop yaddah yaddah The markings upon it fade here's what it said blah blah yaddah See for yourself by tossing the weed into a fire. If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy." Gandalf set the scroll down and stared at the camera man, saying, "That's good to know."
Meanwhile, a dog was barking at one of the Orange Riders.
"Where's the One Weed?" the Orange Rider asked the hobbit-owner of the dog.
"Um, you're probably talking about Bilbo's prize-winning weed. He lives at Bag End," the hobbit replied as the Orange Rider peddled off to the denser part of the Shire.
Later, Frodo and Sam had finished their daily chores of drinking ale. Frodo walked into his Bag End home and saw Gandalf was there.
"Is it secret? Is it safe?" the old wizard asked.
"Good evening, Gandalf," Frodo answered. "Want some old stinky cabbage?"
"Don't go pulling 'a Bilbo.' Just give me Bilbo's prize-winning Hobbit Weed," Gandalf stated.
"You just can't stop asking for Hobbit Weed, can you? Here," Frodo said as he grabbed the Hobbit Weed off the table and tossed it to Gandalf. The wizard caught it and then tossed it into the fire.
"What do you think you're doing?!?" Frodo yelled as he kicked Gandalf into the fire. Gandalf got back up but was covered in fire. Using some of his magic, the fire vanished.
"Watch it you folly fool," Gandalf replied as he grabbed the bag of Hobbit Weed out of the fire with a pair of tongs. "Hold out your hand, Frodo,"
"What do you think I am? Folly?!? That bag's burning!" Frodo replied.
"It's quite cool," Gandalf then said.
"How do you know?!? You didn't even touch it! That thing could give me a nasty burn!" Frodo yelled as Gandalf dropped the bag into Frodo's hand. "Wait, there are markings on this bag of Hobbit Weed. It looks like Elvish words. Wait... Elvish words on Hobbit Weed?!?"
"In the common tongue, those words read, 'If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy,'" Gandalf explained.
"Then we must destroy this Hobbit Weed!" Frodo yelled angrily. "No iguana would be named that!"
"You're getting ahead of yourself. I need to give the readers background information on this. This is the One Weed, forged by the Orange Lord Sauron in the Farms of Mount Dumb. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself," Gandalf muttered.
"Bilbo found it in Gollem's cave," Frodo added.
"Yes, but who cares about Bilbo. I need to hurry this story along. Anyways, now that Bilbo doesn't have the Weed, evil is stirring in Mordor," Gandalf continued.
"What are they stirring?" Frodo asked.
"Strawberry frosting. Now, as I was saying, that Hobbit Weed is dangerous. And Sauron wants it back. The spirit of Sauron that is. His life force is bound to the Weed, and the Weed survived. Sauron has returned. His Dorcs have multiplied. They're beginning to learn division. Sauron's fortress at Barad-dumb is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this Weed to get that iguana and name it Billy. Then... all of Middle Earth will be doomed. He is seeking that Weed. Seeking it. All his thought is bent on it," Gandalf told the half-asleep Frodo.
"Just like all you can think about is Hobbit Weed," Frodo muttered under his breath.
"They are one - the Weed and the Orange Lord," Gandalf continued.
"Now you're beginning to sound like those cheesy poets! Just cut to the chase!" Frodo replied.
"Gollem gave the surprise away to the Orange Riders. They should be here any minute now, so you had better begin this dreary dismal quest," Gandalf explained.
"I can't do that! I can't even tie my shoes! Whah! I don't have any shoes!" Frodo complained.
"Don't tempt me Frodo! I dare not take the One Weed. Not even to smoke it. Understand, Frodo. I would use this Ring from a desire to do good. I would create Hobbit Weed Forests all across Middle Earth. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine," Gandalf said.
"What? Would your Hobbit Weed Forests end up as rotten turnips! HA HA!" Frodo laughed as Gandalf shuddered at that thought.
"I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad, but it would be close to that bad. This Hobbit Weed cannot stay in the Shire. Now leave. Leave quickly. Get out of the Shire. Go to the village of Beer. I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pizza. In the meantime, I will see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful, and most importantly, has a good supply of Hobbit Weed. Trust me Frodo. You'll have to leave the name of Baggageinses behind you," Gandalf babbled on.
"But my name is Frodo Baggins," Frodo replied.
"Whatever. You're name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day and look both ways before crossing the road. NOW LEAVE!" Gandalf boomed. Just then, a sound was heard in the bushes outside the front window. It was Samwise Gamgee, who was eavesdropping. "You go with Frodo," Gandalf said as he left Bag End.
Meanwhile, at some castle that seriously needs a new paint job, a tortured Gollem yells, "Yeargh! YAAAAHHH! Wha! Wha! YYYEEEAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!" After these telling words, nine tricycle-riding riders in Halloween masks and orange robes ventured out of this castle and off to find the One Weed.
At the same time, Gandalf had been riding his horse for several weeks. Eventually, Gandalf arrived at some kind of ancient city and began reading some dusty old scrolls. Gandalf began to read one and began to say aloud, "The year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor, and the finding of the Weed of Power. 'It has come to me. The One Weed. It shall blah blah blah blah yaddah yaddah It's great and stuff blah blah blah It's precious big whoop yaddah yaddah The markings upon it fade here's what it said blah blah yaddah See for yourself by tossing the weed into a fire. If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy." Gandalf set the scroll down and stared at the camera man, saying, "That's good to know."
Meanwhile, a dog was barking at one of the Orange Riders.
"Where's the One Weed?" the Orange Rider asked the hobbit-owner of the dog.
"Um, you're probably talking about Bilbo's prize-winning weed. He lives at Bag End," the hobbit replied as the Orange Rider peddled off to the denser part of the Shire.
Later, Frodo and Sam had finished their daily chores of drinking ale. Frodo walked into his Bag End home and saw Gandalf was there.
"Is it secret? Is it safe?" the old wizard asked.
"Good evening, Gandalf," Frodo answered. "Want some old stinky cabbage?"
"Don't go pulling 'a Bilbo.' Just give me Bilbo's prize-winning Hobbit Weed," Gandalf stated.
"You just can't stop asking for Hobbit Weed, can you? Here," Frodo said as he grabbed the Hobbit Weed off the table and tossed it to Gandalf. The wizard caught it and then tossed it into the fire.
"What do you think you're doing?!?" Frodo yelled as he kicked Gandalf into the fire. Gandalf got back up but was covered in fire. Using some of his magic, the fire vanished.
"Watch it you folly fool," Gandalf replied as he grabbed the bag of Hobbit Weed out of the fire with a pair of tongs. "Hold out your hand, Frodo,"
"What do you think I am? Folly?!? That bag's burning!" Frodo replied.
"It's quite cool," Gandalf then said.
"How do you know?!? You didn't even touch it! That thing could give me a nasty burn!" Frodo yelled as Gandalf dropped the bag into Frodo's hand. "Wait, there are markings on this bag of Hobbit Weed. It looks like Elvish words. Wait... Elvish words on Hobbit Weed?!?"
"In the common tongue, those words read, 'If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy,'" Gandalf explained.
"Then we must destroy this Hobbit Weed!" Frodo yelled angrily. "No iguana would be named that!"
"You're getting ahead of yourself. I need to give the readers background information on this. This is the One Weed, forged by the Orange Lord Sauron in the Farms of Mount Dumb. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself," Gandalf muttered.
"Bilbo found it in Gollem's cave," Frodo added.
"Yes, but who cares about Bilbo. I need to hurry this story along. Anyways, now that Bilbo doesn't have the Weed, evil is stirring in Mordor," Gandalf continued.
"What are they stirring?" Frodo asked.
"Strawberry frosting. Now, as I was saying, that Hobbit Weed is dangerous. And Sauron wants it back. The spirit of Sauron that is. His life force is bound to the Weed, and the Weed survived. Sauron has returned. His Dorcs have multiplied. They're beginning to learn division. Sauron's fortress at Barad-dumb is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this Weed to get that iguana and name it Billy. Then... all of Middle Earth will be doomed. He is seeking that Weed. Seeking it. All his thought is bent on it," Gandalf told the half-asleep Frodo.
"Just like all you can think about is Hobbit Weed," Frodo muttered under his breath.
"They are one - the Weed and the Orange Lord," Gandalf continued.
"Now you're beginning to sound like those cheesy poets! Just cut to the chase!" Frodo replied.
"Gollem gave the surprise away to the Orange Riders. They should be here any minute now, so you had better begin this dreary dismal quest," Gandalf explained.
"I can't do that! I can't even tie my shoes! Whah! I don't have any shoes!" Frodo complained.
"Don't tempt me Frodo! I dare not take the One Weed. Not even to smoke it. Understand, Frodo. I would use this Ring from a desire to do good. I would create Hobbit Weed Forests all across Middle Earth. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine," Gandalf said.
"What? Would your Hobbit Weed Forests end up as rotten turnips! HA HA!" Frodo laughed as Gandalf shuddered at that thought.
"I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad, but it would be close to that bad. This Hobbit Weed cannot stay in the Shire. Now leave. Leave quickly. Get out of the Shire. Go to the village of Beer. I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pizza. In the meantime, I will see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful, and most importantly, has a good supply of Hobbit Weed. Trust me Frodo. You'll have to leave the name of Baggageinses behind you," Gandalf babbled on.
"But my name is Frodo Baggins," Frodo replied.
"Whatever. You're name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day and look both ways before crossing the road. NOW LEAVE!" Gandalf boomed. Just then, a sound was heard in the bushes outside the front window. It was Samwise Gamgee, who was eavesdropping. "You go with Frodo," Gandalf said as he left Bag End.