Chapter Six : Saruman the Wide
"Come along, Samwise. Keep up," Gandalf grumbled as he and the two hobbits walked along Shire Trail with a horse. "Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts, pickles. Is it safe?" Gandalf added.
"Um, you just said there's a bunch of spies and enemies. How can it be safe?!?" Frodo asked.
"I mean, do you have the One Weed in your pocket?" Gandalf replied. Frodo nodded. "Never smoke any of it, for the agents of the Orange Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember Frodo, iguanas cannot be named Billy. That and the weed wants to be found by its master, which unfortunately isn't me," Gandalf concluded as he rode off. The hobbits then began their long journey through the forest. They traveled for many many nanoseconds. So many, in fact, that you can say they traveled for weeks. In the middle of their trek, Sam stopped in the middle of a cornfield.
"This is it," he said aloud.
"What is this that is it which is what?" Frodo asked.
"If I take one more step..." Sam began. Frodo waited for him to continue.
"Well?" the annoyed hobbit stated.
"It'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been," Sam said sadly.
"Shut up and get walking," Frodo replied. Sam then took another step and triggered a hidden mine, flipping him up into the air several meters. "Don't you remember what Bilbo used to say? 'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.'"
"What in the Shire was he smoking?!?" Sam then said.
"I think he bought the entire supply of Hobbit Weed from the Hobbit Weed Shop that day..." Frodo answered.
"If you don't keep your feet? So, if some Dorc cuts my feet off, the wind is going to pull out a broom and sweep me into the gutters! HA!" Sam exclaimed, making fun of Bilbo's stupidity.
Meanwhile, Gandalf was riding on horseback off to a lone piller in the middle of a large forest.
"Smoke rises from the Mountain of Dumb. The hour grows late. And Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my Hobbit Weed. For that is why you have come, is it not? My folly friend," an enormously fat wizard said as he trudged down the stairway to meet with Gandalf.
Not knowing anything to say, Gandalf muttered, "Saruman." You would think he'd say 'Hello Saruman' but I guess he wanted to cut to the chase and just say Saruman. The two soon started taking a walk through the forest outside the piller to start talking.
"So where's your Hobbit Weed?" Gandalf asked.
"It's been used up. There isn't any left," Saruman replied.
"Well isn't that great. Well, I have other things to discuss. Frodo has the One Weed."
"You are sure of this?"
"Beyond any doubt."
"So the Weed of Power has been found."
"All these long years, it was in the Shire. Under my very nose."
"You must have an enormous nose for it to be above the entire Shire. And you didn't even have the wit to smell this mighty Hobbit Weed."
"But we still have time. Time enough to counter Sauron if we act quickly."
"Hamlet or MacBeth?" Saruman asked.
"We don't have that kind of time," Gandalf replied. Later, inside the pillar, Saruman showed Gandalf his room.
"Sauron has regained much of his former weed fields. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor smells all. His scent pierces... cloud, shadow, earth, wind, water, heart. Go Planet! With those powers combined, he is Captain Planet! Captain Planet! He's a hero! Takin' pollution down to zero!" Saruman began.
"Can you please get back to the subject? I want to leave so I can find some Hobbit Weed," Gandalf said in the middle of Saruman's favorite song.
"Very well. You know of what I was speaking, Gandalf. A Great Nose, nostrilless, wreathed in flame," Saruman explained.
"The Nose of Sauron," Gandalf muttered.
"He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon, he'll have summoned a weed-driven army great enough for an assault upon In-between-earth," Saruman continued.
"You know this?" Gandalf questioned.
"No, I read it in a book once," Saruman said sarcastically. "Of course I know this - I have a palantir, but I like to call it a planeteer."
"Saruman, a planeteer - I mean, a palantir is a dangerous tool," Gandalf explained.
"Why?" Saruman replied.
"Because Sauron's nose could be smelling what's going on here."
"Why?"
"Because he wants to know all that's going on."
"Why?"
"Because he want to take over In-between-earth."
"Why?"
"Because he - UGH! He doesn't have any hobbies! Now quit asking 'Why?'!"
"Why?"
"Enough with the 'Why?'s!"
"Very well. The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Mickey Mogul," Saruman said.
"The Nine?" Gandalf asked.
"They crossed the River Nosesen on Midsummer's Eve disguised as tricycle-riders in orange," Saruman continued.
"They've reached the Shire? I can't let them take the Hobbit Weed there!" Gandalf stated.
Ignoring Gandalf, Saruman added, "They will find the Weed. And play Scrabble with the one who carries it."
"Frodo!" Gandalf said as he ran to the door, which closed automatically. Then all the doors closed.
"You did not seriously think that a hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron?" Saruman asked amusingly.
"Well, wills usually are written on pieces of paper. So, yes. A hobbit can contend with his will. I thought he was already dead though," Gandalf clarified.
"Silence. That's the wrong meaning of 'will.' Now, I shall fire at will! HA HA HA!" Saruman laughed at his own joke as he flung Gandalf across the room with his magic.
"Now will you join with Sauron?" Saruman asked.
"No," Gandalf answered. The two old men then began flinging each other across the room, knocking each other's heads on the rocky walls. Saruman then grabbed Gandalf's staff and flung him on top of the ceiling of the pillar, where there was no Hobbit Weed at all. =(
"Come along, Samwise. Keep up," Gandalf grumbled as he and the two hobbits walked along Shire Trail with a horse. "Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts, pickles. Is it safe?" Gandalf added.
"Um, you just said there's a bunch of spies and enemies. How can it be safe?!?" Frodo asked.
"I mean, do you have the One Weed in your pocket?" Gandalf replied. Frodo nodded. "Never smoke any of it, for the agents of the Orange Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember Frodo, iguanas cannot be named Billy. That and the weed wants to be found by its master, which unfortunately isn't me," Gandalf concluded as he rode off. The hobbits then began their long journey through the forest. They traveled for many many nanoseconds. So many, in fact, that you can say they traveled for weeks. In the middle of their trek, Sam stopped in the middle of a cornfield.
"This is it," he said aloud.
"What is this that is it which is what?" Frodo asked.
"If I take one more step..." Sam began. Frodo waited for him to continue.
"Well?" the annoyed hobbit stated.
"It'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been," Sam said sadly.
"Shut up and get walking," Frodo replied. Sam then took another step and triggered a hidden mine, flipping him up into the air several meters. "Don't you remember what Bilbo used to say? 'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.'"
"What in the Shire was he smoking?!?" Sam then said.
"I think he bought the entire supply of Hobbit Weed from the Hobbit Weed Shop that day..." Frodo answered.
"If you don't keep your feet? So, if some Dorc cuts my feet off, the wind is going to pull out a broom and sweep me into the gutters! HA!" Sam exclaimed, making fun of Bilbo's stupidity.
Meanwhile, Gandalf was riding on horseback off to a lone piller in the middle of a large forest.
"Smoke rises from the Mountain of Dumb. The hour grows late. And Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my Hobbit Weed. For that is why you have come, is it not? My folly friend," an enormously fat wizard said as he trudged down the stairway to meet with Gandalf.
Not knowing anything to say, Gandalf muttered, "Saruman." You would think he'd say 'Hello Saruman' but I guess he wanted to cut to the chase and just say Saruman. The two soon started taking a walk through the forest outside the piller to start talking.
"So where's your Hobbit Weed?" Gandalf asked.
"It's been used up. There isn't any left," Saruman replied.
"Well isn't that great. Well, I have other things to discuss. Frodo has the One Weed."
"You are sure of this?"
"Beyond any doubt."
"So the Weed of Power has been found."
"All these long years, it was in the Shire. Under my very nose."
"You must have an enormous nose for it to be above the entire Shire. And you didn't even have the wit to smell this mighty Hobbit Weed."
"But we still have time. Time enough to counter Sauron if we act quickly."
"Hamlet or MacBeth?" Saruman asked.
"We don't have that kind of time," Gandalf replied. Later, inside the pillar, Saruman showed Gandalf his room.
"Sauron has regained much of his former weed fields. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor smells all. His scent pierces... cloud, shadow, earth, wind, water, heart. Go Planet! With those powers combined, he is Captain Planet! Captain Planet! He's a hero! Takin' pollution down to zero!" Saruman began.
"Can you please get back to the subject? I want to leave so I can find some Hobbit Weed," Gandalf said in the middle of Saruman's favorite song.
"Very well. You know of what I was speaking, Gandalf. A Great Nose, nostrilless, wreathed in flame," Saruman explained.
"The Nose of Sauron," Gandalf muttered.
"He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon, he'll have summoned a weed-driven army great enough for an assault upon In-between-earth," Saruman continued.
"You know this?" Gandalf questioned.
"No, I read it in a book once," Saruman said sarcastically. "Of course I know this - I have a palantir, but I like to call it a planeteer."
"Saruman, a planeteer - I mean, a palantir is a dangerous tool," Gandalf explained.
"Why?" Saruman replied.
"Because Sauron's nose could be smelling what's going on here."
"Why?"
"Because he wants to know all that's going on."
"Why?"
"Because he want to take over In-between-earth."
"Why?"
"Because he - UGH! He doesn't have any hobbies! Now quit asking 'Why?'!"
"Why?"
"Enough with the 'Why?'s!"
"Very well. The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Mickey Mogul," Saruman said.
"The Nine?" Gandalf asked.
"They crossed the River Nosesen on Midsummer's Eve disguised as tricycle-riders in orange," Saruman continued.
"They've reached the Shire? I can't let them take the Hobbit Weed there!" Gandalf stated.
Ignoring Gandalf, Saruman added, "They will find the Weed. And play Scrabble with the one who carries it."
"Frodo!" Gandalf said as he ran to the door, which closed automatically. Then all the doors closed.
"You did not seriously think that a hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron?" Saruman asked amusingly.
"Well, wills usually are written on pieces of paper. So, yes. A hobbit can contend with his will. I thought he was already dead though," Gandalf clarified.
"Silence. That's the wrong meaning of 'will.' Now, I shall fire at will! HA HA HA!" Saruman laughed at his own joke as he flung Gandalf across the room with his magic.
"Now will you join with Sauron?" Saruman asked.
"No," Gandalf answered. The two old men then began flinging each other across the room, knocking each other's heads on the rocky walls. Saruman then grabbed Gandalf's staff and flung him on top of the ceiling of the pillar, where there was no Hobbit Weed at all. =(