Alright...this is the last chapter of the Two Cowards. Tweak and I are currently partway through chapter three of the third and final part of the Funniship trilogy. We Will Not be posting any of that until it is finished. I hope this holds you.
And Arashinohikari, if you send your kumquats at me, I shall have to slow them with the Fluff of Doom. And the Kohlrabi of Death. I'm glad you are enjoying this story. :)
The Two Cowards. Book 7. Or, In Which Wimpy And The Blobbits Are Reunited And Tom And Hoho Enter The Tunnel
Grimy Snakelips rode hard from Eudora that day to Ithinc. As he rode up to what used to be called a gate, he saw two little figures playing "rock paper scissors" on a slag heap.
"DarnItMaryChristmasYou'reCheating!" shouted one.
"IAmNotPiping!You'reTheOneWithTheAceUpHisSleeve!" yelled the other.
"YouDon'tPlayRockPaperScissorsWithPlayingCardsStupid!" howled the first.
"What is this?" whined Snakelips, but the words were barely out of his mouth when a hand picked him up at least ten feet off the ground.
"HmmVeryVeryBadGuyIShallSquishHimLikeALittleBug!" said a voice.
"SetHimDownFleeneesWon'tYouPrettyPrettyPlease," said Piping. "NowWhatMightYourNameBeAndWhatIsYourErrandHere?"
"I'm Grimy son of Greasy, and I've been sent by Theoldone with messages for Sillyman, yes important messages! And Handoff too! Yes yes!"
"WillYouTakeAMessageForMe?" said Mary.
Snakelips groveled. "Anything, just don't let that thing at me!"
"AwPipingIsn'tThatBadYouJustHaveToGetUsedToHim. AnywayMyMessageIs," he looked around and bent closer. "Shut," he whispered. "UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!" And with that, he kicked the man.
"KillSnakelips!" cried Fleenees. "SquishSquishSquishJavaSquish!!" And he would have done so but at that very moment a great host of men rode up with a blaring of trumpets. The trumpet calls suddenly came to an end with a few flat notes as they surveyed the scene before them. Handoff, who had been talking about how they would whip those puny SuperCorcs to a pulp when they got to Qualm's Keep turned and tried to flee, but the entire host surrounded him. Several minutes passed until the host finally left the battered body of the blizzard and came inside what had once been the gate.
"WellIndeedYouSeemToHaveLostYourWayIfIndeedYouWereHeadedToQualm'sKeepYouCameAboutAHundredMilesTooFarWest," said Fleenees.
"Well, tie me in a knot and call me a pretzel! Too far west, huh?" said Yawner seemingly at a loss for further words.
Wimpy hung back in the crowd. Even after coming all this way to rescue the two blobbits, he still seemed reluctant to let them see him.
"Come on, Wimpy, what could they do? You tried your very best!" he muttered.
"Kill them," he muttered again.
"Nooo!" he said.
Legless burst to the front. "Mary, Piping! You're alright!" he said.
"Legless!" cried Mary. "You, have legs! I suppose we have to call you Legfull now, hmm?" he chuckled and elbowed Piping. "Yup," said Piping, rubbing his arm.
Mary inhaled sharply and glanced at Wimpy. The Daft shielded his eyes from the cold, hard glance.
"Hello Wimpy," he said taking him aside, as the entire host were being entertained by Fleenees and the other rents playing volleyball with the body of Handoff and a standing piece of the wall.
"How have you been?" said Mary gently.
"Um, ok," said the Daft relaxing a little bit. He stiffened when Piping came up to his other side.
"And how is Hoho?" said Mary tightening his grip on Wimpy's arm.
"Um, I don't know, I came to save you!" said Wimpy.
"What?" said Mary. "You didn't go with Hoho? Piping and I don't like that. It insinuates that we can't take care of ourselves, wouldn't you say, Piping?"
"Yup," said Piping baring his arm. Mary clucked his tongue.
"As you can see we can take care of ourselves, right?" Wimpy nodded reluctantly. "And do you know where Hoho is?" Wimpy shook his head fearfully. "He may be in trouble, calling for help, he may be dying just because of you," he shook his head sadly. "I may say, Daft, I am very disappointed in you." Wimpy swallowed hard and glanced around for help. Mary saw the look and laughed. He knew that the Daft was completely in his grip, and he relished it.
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Hoho opened his sleepy eyes. He saw Solemn dancing in a circle around the fire. Hoho watched, as he had nothing else better to do. Solemn danced this way for several hours. When he finally stopped, Hoho asked him what he was doing. His exact words were "What is he, I mean, what are you doing?"
Solemn looked miffed. "Well!" he said in a huff. "You inturrupted my performence of Hamlet!"
"I don't think Hamlet ever did a rain dance," said Hoho. Solemn looked at him agast.
"I was not doing Hamlet. I was doing Hamlet! the broadway musical play!"
Before Hoho could ask more questions, Tom broke in with his silly antics.
"I'm on fire!" screamed Tom, failing about. After dousing Tom, they looked at the map that Solemn had made when he came to Mortar.
"We must go the way of the Stairs!" cried Solemn. He told them of the dangers of the stairs, how every last one was covered with slippery moss, and how the handrails make tookpicks look strong and mighty by comparison. Hoho went first. He took a deep breath and stepped into the inky blackness. He walked up the two steps.
"Haha!" said Tom. "I guess things do change sometimes, don't they? Tata!" he said, stepping into the blackness and down the stairs. The small, round pebbles on the mossy stairs acted as ball bearings, the lubricant being Tom's tears, keeping him going much farther than he would have ordinarily liked to.
"How are you?" cried Hoho, after he had carefully went down the stairs.
"I'm OK, your food cusioned my fall," said Tom, refusing to meet Hohos eyes.
"Onward!" cried Solemn suddenly. "We need to make it through the tunnel before nightfall!"
"Wasn't there some legend about some monster?" said Tom.
"It's most certainly a myth," said Solemn. "There was some kind of monster, but it is most certainly gone."
"And anyway," laughed Hoho, "Who could stand the sight of us tromping like an army to conquer?" He laughed, the sound of which had not been heard in those parts since Moron had traveled that way on vacation and told a particularly witty joke.
Almost immediately, a few yards towards the gate, a hidden gate opened in the mountainside. Out poured Corcs by the thousands, and worse things. At the head rode a rider (No duh!) dressed in pink, yellow and blue paisley. Hoho and Tom screamed, but Solemn clamped his hands over their mouths and dragged them down. The rider stopped the host, or rather held his hand up to stop, but nobody saw and they all crashed into each other. The Paisley Rider picked itself up and looked around as if it sensed something. After a minute, he shrugged and got back onto his horse, and the whole cavalcade went off again, singing a most fearful song.
"Hey we go to win
No nasty men will beat us
Their defences are pitifully thin
We'll beat them to a pulp!
Flounder will fall before the week is out
And if not, Moron will be very angry and spank us
Like little naughty children and our mommies
Will spank us too, and we'll cry and when
Our fathers come home they'll take their belt straps
And spank us too and we'll be grounded forever
And never get to play outside again!
So we intend to win
If not, we'll impale ourselves
On our own weapons and flee!!"
When they had passed, Solemn whispered "Flounder is in danger! The host will stop at nothing to make sure that it is destroyed!"
"Bummer," said Hoho. "It'll at least save them the shame of having Arrogant for a king!" He and Tom laughed. "Let's get going," said Hoho at last. "Come and get me, all you monsters!"
But she who haunted the darkness was no craven wimp. She had ruled her dreary kingdom, feeding on whatever she could find, sometimes even going into the forest of Ticklethin to hunt manflesh. None had the courage or the strength to resist She who walked the mazes of Cruel Gruesome Death.
Here ends The Two Cowards. In the last installment of this trilogy, The Return Of The Swamp Thing, we will end the adventure of Our Heroic Questoreseiesses. (Is that even a word?)
The Two Cowards. Book 7. Or, In Which Wimpy And The Blobbits Are Reunited And Tom And Hoho Enter The Tunnel
Grimy Snakelips rode hard from Eudora that day to Ithinc. As he rode up to what used to be called a gate, he saw two little figures playing "rock paper scissors" on a slag heap.
"DarnItMaryChristmasYou'reCheating!" shouted one.
"IAmNotPiping!You'reTheOneWithTheAceUpHisSleeve!" yelled the other.
"YouDon'tPlayRockPaperScissorsWithPlayingCardsStupid!" howled the first.
"What is this?" whined Snakelips, but the words were barely out of his mouth when a hand picked him up at least ten feet off the ground.
"HmmVeryVeryBadGuyIShallSquishHimLikeALittleBug!" said a voice.
"SetHimDownFleeneesWon'tYouPrettyPrettyPlease," said Piping. "NowWhatMightYourNameBeAndWhatIsYourErrandHere?"
"I'm Grimy son of Greasy, and I've been sent by Theoldone with messages for Sillyman, yes important messages! And Handoff too! Yes yes!"
"WillYouTakeAMessageForMe?" said Mary.
Snakelips groveled. "Anything, just don't let that thing at me!"
"AwPipingIsn'tThatBadYouJustHaveToGetUsedToHim. AnywayMyMessageIs," he looked around and bent closer. "Shut," he whispered. "UUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!" And with that, he kicked the man.
"KillSnakelips!" cried Fleenees. "SquishSquishSquishJavaSquish!!" And he would have done so but at that very moment a great host of men rode up with a blaring of trumpets. The trumpet calls suddenly came to an end with a few flat notes as they surveyed the scene before them. Handoff, who had been talking about how they would whip those puny SuperCorcs to a pulp when they got to Qualm's Keep turned and tried to flee, but the entire host surrounded him. Several minutes passed until the host finally left the battered body of the blizzard and came inside what had once been the gate.
"WellIndeedYouSeemToHaveLostYourWayIfIndeedYouWereHeadedToQualm'sKeepYouCameAboutAHundredMilesTooFarWest," said Fleenees.
"Well, tie me in a knot and call me a pretzel! Too far west, huh?" said Yawner seemingly at a loss for further words.
Wimpy hung back in the crowd. Even after coming all this way to rescue the two blobbits, he still seemed reluctant to let them see him.
"Come on, Wimpy, what could they do? You tried your very best!" he muttered.
"Kill them," he muttered again.
"Nooo!" he said.
Legless burst to the front. "Mary, Piping! You're alright!" he said.
"Legless!" cried Mary. "You, have legs! I suppose we have to call you Legfull now, hmm?" he chuckled and elbowed Piping. "Yup," said Piping, rubbing his arm.
Mary inhaled sharply and glanced at Wimpy. The Daft shielded his eyes from the cold, hard glance.
"Hello Wimpy," he said taking him aside, as the entire host were being entertained by Fleenees and the other rents playing volleyball with the body of Handoff and a standing piece of the wall.
"How have you been?" said Mary gently.
"Um, ok," said the Daft relaxing a little bit. He stiffened when Piping came up to his other side.
"And how is Hoho?" said Mary tightening his grip on Wimpy's arm.
"Um, I don't know, I came to save you!" said Wimpy.
"What?" said Mary. "You didn't go with Hoho? Piping and I don't like that. It insinuates that we can't take care of ourselves, wouldn't you say, Piping?"
"Yup," said Piping baring his arm. Mary clucked his tongue.
"As you can see we can take care of ourselves, right?" Wimpy nodded reluctantly. "And do you know where Hoho is?" Wimpy shook his head fearfully. "He may be in trouble, calling for help, he may be dying just because of you," he shook his head sadly. "I may say, Daft, I am very disappointed in you." Wimpy swallowed hard and glanced around for help. Mary saw the look and laughed. He knew that the Daft was completely in his grip, and he relished it.
*********************************************************************************
Hoho opened his sleepy eyes. He saw Solemn dancing in a circle around the fire. Hoho watched, as he had nothing else better to do. Solemn danced this way for several hours. When he finally stopped, Hoho asked him what he was doing. His exact words were "What is he, I mean, what are you doing?"
Solemn looked miffed. "Well!" he said in a huff. "You inturrupted my performence of Hamlet!"
"I don't think Hamlet ever did a rain dance," said Hoho. Solemn looked at him agast.
"I was not doing Hamlet. I was doing Hamlet! the broadway musical play!"
Before Hoho could ask more questions, Tom broke in with his silly antics.
"I'm on fire!" screamed Tom, failing about. After dousing Tom, they looked at the map that Solemn had made when he came to Mortar.
"We must go the way of the Stairs!" cried Solemn. He told them of the dangers of the stairs, how every last one was covered with slippery moss, and how the handrails make tookpicks look strong and mighty by comparison. Hoho went first. He took a deep breath and stepped into the inky blackness. He walked up the two steps.
"Haha!" said Tom. "I guess things do change sometimes, don't they? Tata!" he said, stepping into the blackness and down the stairs. The small, round pebbles on the mossy stairs acted as ball bearings, the lubricant being Tom's tears, keeping him going much farther than he would have ordinarily liked to.
"How are you?" cried Hoho, after he had carefully went down the stairs.
"I'm OK, your food cusioned my fall," said Tom, refusing to meet Hohos eyes.
"Onward!" cried Solemn suddenly. "We need to make it through the tunnel before nightfall!"
"Wasn't there some legend about some monster?" said Tom.
"It's most certainly a myth," said Solemn. "There was some kind of monster, but it is most certainly gone."
"And anyway," laughed Hoho, "Who could stand the sight of us tromping like an army to conquer?" He laughed, the sound of which had not been heard in those parts since Moron had traveled that way on vacation and told a particularly witty joke.
Almost immediately, a few yards towards the gate, a hidden gate opened in the mountainside. Out poured Corcs by the thousands, and worse things. At the head rode a rider (No duh!) dressed in pink, yellow and blue paisley. Hoho and Tom screamed, but Solemn clamped his hands over their mouths and dragged them down. The rider stopped the host, or rather held his hand up to stop, but nobody saw and they all crashed into each other. The Paisley Rider picked itself up and looked around as if it sensed something. After a minute, he shrugged and got back onto his horse, and the whole cavalcade went off again, singing a most fearful song.
"Hey we go to win
No nasty men will beat us
Their defences are pitifully thin
We'll beat them to a pulp!
Flounder will fall before the week is out
And if not, Moron will be very angry and spank us
Like little naughty children and our mommies
Will spank us too, and we'll cry and when
Our fathers come home they'll take their belt straps
And spank us too and we'll be grounded forever
And never get to play outside again!
So we intend to win
If not, we'll impale ourselves
On our own weapons and flee!!"
When they had passed, Solemn whispered "Flounder is in danger! The host will stop at nothing to make sure that it is destroyed!"
"Bummer," said Hoho. "It'll at least save them the shame of having Arrogant for a king!" He and Tom laughed. "Let's get going," said Hoho at last. "Come and get me, all you monsters!"
But she who haunted the darkness was no craven wimp. She had ruled her dreary kingdom, feeding on whatever she could find, sometimes even going into the forest of Ticklethin to hunt manflesh. None had the courage or the strength to resist She who walked the mazes of Cruel Gruesome Death.
Here ends The Two Cowards. In the last installment of this trilogy, The Return Of The Swamp Thing, we will end the adventure of Our Heroic Questoreseiesses. (Is that even a word?)