Chapter Eight : At the Sign of the Prancing Pizza
After shooting down Tom Bombadil, the four wet and soggy hobbits finally reached the gate to get into the village of Beer. Frodo knocked at the door.
"What do you want?" the gate-keeper asked.
"Mushrooms," Frodo said.
"And sushi," Sam added.
"A few million dollars," Pippin included.
"And a one-way trip to the Prancing Pizza," Merry ended.
Instead of acknowledging their wishes, the gate-keeper began, "Hobbits. Four hobbits! Oh my leebie-jeebies! FOUR hobbits!"
"What's so amazingly significant about the fact there are four of us?" Pippin uncharacteristically asked.
"Four's my favorite number. Now come on in. You can stay at the inn!" the gate-keeper said, letting the damp and dreary four hobbits in. Ahead they saw a swinging metal sign that had a pizza on it. In Old English font the sign read "The Prancing Pizza." They made there way to the inn, and they got in.
In the inn...
"Good evening little nerds. If you're seeking accomodation, we got some cozy Hobbit-sized rooms unavailable. Just damp and dirty ones without windows or cable television. Mister, uh..." the inn-keeper began.
"Underhill. My name's Underhill," Frodo replied.
"What do you mean Frodo? Your name's Baggins! Hey everyone! Don't call him Underhill! CALL HIM BAGGINS! FRODO BAGGINS!" Pippin yelled to everyone there.
"Don't tell people my name," Frodo said.
"Dobsen! Dobsen! We've got Dobsen here!" Pippin exclaimed. Nobody noticed. "See, nobody cares!"
"Anyways," Frodo - er, I mean Underhill began, "we're friends of Gandalf the Grey."
"Us?!? Friends of that old suitcase? Bwa! He only comes at holidays to get our Hobbit-weed and complain about everything," Merry thought in his head.
"Can you tell him we've arrived?" Underhill asked the inn-keeper.
"Gandalf? Gandalf. Gandalf! Gandalf?!? PGandalf/P ?fladnaG Andalf- gay the Ey-Gray? GANDALF? That Gandalf?" the inn-keeper egged.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
A few minutes later...
"Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I remember. Old loser. Big grey head, pointy nose. Not seen him for six months." (Writer's Note : Not done English homework for six months)
"Oh," Underhill said as he went to sit down with the other hobbits at a table. May we now note that somebody at this inn had a little ferret on his shoulder - don't worry, Franky will play a more important role later in the story. But now back to the boring hobbits.
"Sam. He'll be here. He'll come," Underhill said, trying to cheer the mopey Sam up.
"Santa's coming?" Sam asked.
"No. Gandalf," Underhill replied.
"Great. This is terrible news. Just terrible," Sam whined. Just then Pippin came over.
"What is going on? Did Sam just find out that Santa isn't real?" Pippin asked.
"What?!? You mean there isn't a Santa Clause?!? NO!" Sam pouted as tears streamed down his face and into his mug of ale.
"Just drink some more ale Sam. It'll cheer you up," Underhill said. Sam did so.
"Bleagh! This ale's salty," Sam complained. Just then Merry came over with a pint glass full of ale.
"What's that?" Pippin asked.
"This, my enemy, is an ale," Merry explained.
"There's ale here?" the drunken Pippin asked.
"Yes Pippin. There is. You've dranken like three gallons since we've gotten here," Merry said.
"Wait just a second. WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM!!!" Frodo yelled. May we now note that there's a black cat at the inn, who won't play an important role in the story. The cat's name is Munchies, which you will need to know. Sam then pointed over at some guy smoking what can possibly be Hobbit Weed.
"What a loser," he said. Out of curiosity, Frodo asked the inn-keeper who that was.
"Around here we call him Stepper. Stepper the Spiced-Picklin' Pepper," the inn-keeper told. After he left, Frodo began fiddling with the weed.
"Underhill... Underhill... Underhill... Underhilll..." it whispered as the overall flow of time in the vicinity slowed to a crawl.
"Underhill? Sure I know an Underhill. He's over there. Frodo Underhill," Pippin told enthusiastically to a group of grungy guys who did get rooms with cable. Frodo quickly made his way over. Okay this is getting boring. Ahlaieanialaiala.
"-more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry," Stepper told Frodo.
"I carry nothing," Frodo explained. Boring. Ahlaieanialaialaliaonala.
"You have a small brain, little Hobbit. But that will not save you," Stepper told the three hobbits that ran in with money (or at least, what looked like money. It was really Monopoly money). "You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo."
"Ooh, the Wizard? Are we off to see him? Ah, yes. We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of -" Pippin began and ended just in time for me to avoid getting sued by the Wizard of Oz creators. In the following scene, Stepper will talk all about those nasty Orange Riders. We'll find out just how scary they are, how they'll sneak into the inn (and smash the gate-keeper), how they'll get into a room which appears to have four hobbits in four hobbit-beds, how they'll start paper-cutting the beds, and how they'll be quite unhappy after they see that those weren't hobbits in the beds - they were sacks of potatoes. Yes those Orange Riders are foolish, as we'll find out. But you probably knew of this so we'll just skip the scene entirely.
After shooting down Tom Bombadil, the four wet and soggy hobbits finally reached the gate to get into the village of Beer. Frodo knocked at the door.
"What do you want?" the gate-keeper asked.
"Mushrooms," Frodo said.
"And sushi," Sam added.
"A few million dollars," Pippin included.
"And a one-way trip to the Prancing Pizza," Merry ended.
Instead of acknowledging their wishes, the gate-keeper began, "Hobbits. Four hobbits! Oh my leebie-jeebies! FOUR hobbits!"
"What's so amazingly significant about the fact there are four of us?" Pippin uncharacteristically asked.
"Four's my favorite number. Now come on in. You can stay at the inn!" the gate-keeper said, letting the damp and dreary four hobbits in. Ahead they saw a swinging metal sign that had a pizza on it. In Old English font the sign read "The Prancing Pizza." They made there way to the inn, and they got in.
In the inn...
"Good evening little nerds. If you're seeking accomodation, we got some cozy Hobbit-sized rooms unavailable. Just damp and dirty ones without windows or cable television. Mister, uh..." the inn-keeper began.
"Underhill. My name's Underhill," Frodo replied.
"What do you mean Frodo? Your name's Baggins! Hey everyone! Don't call him Underhill! CALL HIM BAGGINS! FRODO BAGGINS!" Pippin yelled to everyone there.
"Don't tell people my name," Frodo said.
"Dobsen! Dobsen! We've got Dobsen here!" Pippin exclaimed. Nobody noticed. "See, nobody cares!"
"Anyways," Frodo - er, I mean Underhill began, "we're friends of Gandalf the Grey."
"Us?!? Friends of that old suitcase? Bwa! He only comes at holidays to get our Hobbit-weed and complain about everything," Merry thought in his head.
"Can you tell him we've arrived?" Underhill asked the inn-keeper.
"Gandalf? Gandalf. Gandalf! Gandalf?!? PGandalf/P ?fladnaG Andalf- gay the Ey-Gray? GANDALF? That Gandalf?" the inn-keeper egged.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
A few minutes later...
"Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I remember. Old loser. Big grey head, pointy nose. Not seen him for six months." (Writer's Note : Not done English homework for six months)
"Oh," Underhill said as he went to sit down with the other hobbits at a table. May we now note that somebody at this inn had a little ferret on his shoulder - don't worry, Franky will play a more important role later in the story. But now back to the boring hobbits.
"Sam. He'll be here. He'll come," Underhill said, trying to cheer the mopey Sam up.
"Santa's coming?" Sam asked.
"No. Gandalf," Underhill replied.
"Great. This is terrible news. Just terrible," Sam whined. Just then Pippin came over.
"What is going on? Did Sam just find out that Santa isn't real?" Pippin asked.
"What?!? You mean there isn't a Santa Clause?!? NO!" Sam pouted as tears streamed down his face and into his mug of ale.
"Just drink some more ale Sam. It'll cheer you up," Underhill said. Sam did so.
"Bleagh! This ale's salty," Sam complained. Just then Merry came over with a pint glass full of ale.
"What's that?" Pippin asked.
"This, my enemy, is an ale," Merry explained.
"There's ale here?" the drunken Pippin asked.
"Yes Pippin. There is. You've dranken like three gallons since we've gotten here," Merry said.
"Wait just a second. WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM!!!" Frodo yelled. May we now note that there's a black cat at the inn, who won't play an important role in the story. The cat's name is Munchies, which you will need to know. Sam then pointed over at some guy smoking what can possibly be Hobbit Weed.
"What a loser," he said. Out of curiosity, Frodo asked the inn-keeper who that was.
"Around here we call him Stepper. Stepper the Spiced-Picklin' Pepper," the inn-keeper told. After he left, Frodo began fiddling with the weed.
"Underhill... Underhill... Underhill... Underhilll..." it whispered as the overall flow of time in the vicinity slowed to a crawl.
"Underhill? Sure I know an Underhill. He's over there. Frodo Underhill," Pippin told enthusiastically to a group of grungy guys who did get rooms with cable. Frodo quickly made his way over. Okay this is getting boring. Ahlaieanialaiala.
"-more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry," Stepper told Frodo.
"I carry nothing," Frodo explained. Boring. Ahlaieanialaialaliaonala.
"You have a small brain, little Hobbit. But that will not save you," Stepper told the three hobbits that ran in with money (or at least, what looked like money. It was really Monopoly money). "You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo."
"Ooh, the Wizard? Are we off to see him? Ah, yes. We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of -" Pippin began and ended just in time for me to avoid getting sued by the Wizard of Oz creators. In the following scene, Stepper will talk all about those nasty Orange Riders. We'll find out just how scary they are, how they'll sneak into the inn (and smash the gate-keeper), how they'll get into a room which appears to have four hobbits in four hobbit-beds, how they'll start paper-cutting the beds, and how they'll be quite unhappy after they see that those weren't hobbits in the beds - they were sacks of potatoes. Yes those Orange Riders are foolish, as we'll find out. But you probably knew of this so we'll just skip the scene entirely.