Author's Notes: It's weird, but I get much more satisfaction out of writing this fic than my others (despite the fact that the other ones get more reviews-go figure). I should be asleep since I work tomorrow, but I'd much rather finish up this chapter. Thanks to my reviewers (this time there were five instead of two—yay, but at least it's easy to respond when there's so few)! Crystal: hehe, I almost feel sorry for poor Crabbe and Goyle sometimes—I don't think they've ever done anything intelligent in canon or fanon. JadedRoses: I actually did a search for that fic, but couldn't find it (in addition to kind of forgetting the name of the author and the title). It's a Draco/Ginny fic, which is actually somewhat well written. And the author's first chapter is devoted to long author's notes and responses (or flames in my case) to her reviewers. I don't know if you've ever seen the Pottersues livejournal, but if you haven't, you probably would like it a lot (just go to livejournal.com and look under user pottersues). Taya: Thanks! I always love your stories too. DenimJeans: I'm sure there are some Australian transfers out there; however, there's probably more that are American. Oh, and I think it'll be from Ginny's POV next chapter! QueenDitz: I agree-Draco/Ginny and Hermione/Severus are the two best couples!
Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh!
Chapter 3: Serena's Sorting, Sirius's Surprise
Serena stepped off of the Hogwarts Express, following Pansy Parkinson, who she considered to be the only sane person at the whole damned school. Honestly, all of the people here were so vile! She had expected everyone to immediately fall in love with her because of her good looks, extreme intelligence, and excellent magical skills. But none of them seemed even remotely impressed. Except Pansy, of course. At least she would have one follower—hopefully more would be added later on.
They arrived at the castle and Serena waited with a group of bratty little kids for what would be her Sorting. An old hat sang a stupid song. Afterward, it called her name. Good, I get to go first, she thought. If the brats had been put before her, she would have had a tantrum. For she was the most important person here.
She walked up to the stool in the front and picked up the Sorting Hat. She looked at it incredulously.
"Do I have to put this dirty and disgusting thing on?" she asked in her meanest voice. The teacher nearest to her nodded. "But it'll mess up my hair!" she whined.
She glanced around and, realizing that there was no other way, put on the hat with a frown. The Sorting Hat began. "You don't have the brains of a Ravenclaw, nor do you have the courage of a Gryffindor."
"What?! How dare you insult me?!"
The Sorting Hat ignored her. "I'm having trouble deciding. You're a Malfoy, and there has never been a Malfoy in any house other than Slytherin. However, you might make a good Hufflepuff…"
Now she was getting really angry. "Put me in Slytherin now, you stupid hat! Or I'll light you on fire! Or do something else horrible to you!"
"Okay, okay," the Sorting Hat said. "SLYTHERIN!"
Pansy Parkinson began clapping furiously, as did the Slytherin students who hadn't yet met Serena. Pleased, she sat down next to Pansy. Draco was pretending that both of them didn't exist. What a meanie, she thought, pouting.
When the feast began, she started trying to find boys. She had been at the school for several hours and still had not yet found her one true love. She had expected to meet him on the train, because she knew that a girl like her usually met the love of her life within the first few minutes of transferring and fell in love with him immediately. It's already Chapter 3, she thought, and I still haven't met my soul mate! What was the world coming to?
However, she knew it was only a matter of time before all of the guys at school started throwing themselves at her feet. And she would know her one true love the moment she set eyes on him. He would be absolutely gorgeous, and devoted only to her.
Serena sighed. "What's wrong?" Pansy asked.
"I'm already seventeen, and I still haven't met the love of my life! I'm going to be single forever!" Serena exclaimed dramatically.
"Don't worry, we'll find your true love! And then I'll marry Draco and we'll be sisters!" Pansy told her.
"Oh, Pansy," Serena said, "you're the best friend a girl can have!" Neither of them noticed the retching noises coming from their housemates.
************
Albus Dumbledore stood in the front of the Great Hall. "I would like to introduce our newest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Sirius Black. He may be a convicted felon who was killed over a year ago, but I expect him to be one of our best teachers yet. I hope you will all make him feel welcome."
The students began clapping, and Sirius gave them his most gorgeous smile. A lot of the girls began whispering and giggling.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley approached the High Table. "Sirius… I-I thought you were dead!" Harry said, obviously confused.
He grinned at Harry. "I was. But the idiotic author decided that she wanted me alive because she thinks I'm sexy. So, here I am with no explanation as to why I'm not dead!"
"Wicked!" Ron said.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Ron, you have GOT to stop using that word. It's SO second year!"
"Sorry, Harry, it became my catchphrase because of that that damn movie!"
"What movie?" Harry asked.
Ron gave him a strange look. "Er… I don't know why I said that. What's a movie?"
The two of them looked at each other again and shrugged. This was followed by a makeout session in the middle of the Great Hall.
Sirius cleared his throat, which neither of them paid attention to. They did, however, pull apart when Snape yelled out, "Fifty points from Gryffindor for lewd behavior in public!"
Harry and Ron gave their housemates a sheepish grin. "Sorry," Harry told them.
"We forgot that we weren't alone," Ron added.
Harry turned back to Sirius. "So what have you been doing over the past year?"
"Mainly fending off annoying teenage girls who claim to be my long lost daughters. And there were also a few who just wanted to shag me. They all seem to think that I'm some sort of sex god, despite the fact that I spent my prime in Azkaban Prison, where I remained celibate.
"You know who's really a sex god?" Harry asked excitedly.
"Ron?" Sirius guessed.
Harry frowned, seeming upset that Sirius knew immediately who he was talking about. "Have you been practicing Legilimency?" he asked.
They were interrupted by a loud voice. "OMG! OMG!"
"Oh no, it's Malfoy's sister!" Harry said.
"Did she just say O.M.G.? What the bloody hell is that?" Ron asked.
Harry shrugged. "Must be some American term."
The girl rushed closer to them and came up to Sirius. "OMG!" she said again. "It's my soul mate! The love of my life!"
Pansy Parkinson came up behind her. "But Serena, he's a teacher who's twenty years older than you! And he used to be in Azkaban Prison. And…" She paused, a disgusted expression on her face. "He's a Gryffindor!"
Serena looked at Pansy. "As my new bestest friend ever, you of all people should understand!" she cried. "All that stuff doesn't matter. Our love will prevail!"
Parkinson nodded stupidly. Satisfied, Serena spoke again to her. "Watch me amaze him with my fluency in French!" Turning back to Sirius, she said, "Te êtes ma vrai aiment. That means 'you are my true love'!"
"Wow, you're so smart!" Pansy Parkinson said.
Sirius attempted to control his sudden urge to vomit. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you've made some sort of mistake."
The girl looked disappointed. "Oh," she said. "If you were really the guy I was supposed to end up with, you would already be declaring your undying love for me." She looked downcast.
Suddenly she brightened and turned to Parkinson. "Maybe this is going to be one of those stories where the girl and the guy secretly love each other, but start off as being worst enemies! Yes, that must be it!" She turned back to Sirius. "You're the most arrogant person I've ever met, Sirius Black! I hate your guts!"
"How was that?" she whispered to Pansy Parkinson. Parkinson nodded in approval.
Yuck! Sirius shuddered. "Why do they keep doing that?" he asked the person closest to him, who happened to be Severus.
Severus growled at him. "Don't ask me! I'm just an overgrown bat with billowing robes who's also an ex-Deatheater. Nobody loves me! I might as well let them kill me the next time I go to the Dark Revels!"
"Shut up, Snivellus," Sirius stated. "Nobody cares what you have to say."
Severus stood up. "Fine! I'll just go to my dungeons and sulk!" Then he stormed off.
"You boys should get going," Sirius told Harry and Ron. Hermione was already beginning to round up the first years to take them to Gryffindor Tower.
"Oh yeah, prefect duty," Ron murmured.
Harry looked at Sirius. "How come Ron gets to be a prefect and I don't?" he whined.
"Harry, you're seventeen years old. Nobody wants to hear your complaining," Sirius said to him loudly. After a few furtive glances to make sure no other teachers were listening, he lowered his voice. "Trust me, it's more fun to play pranks on Slytherins if you're not supposed to be setting a good example for others."
"Wow, Sirius," Harry said, his eyes tearing up. "Having you here is like having a really cool dad who likes to play cruel and unusual practical jokes on others!" Sirius smiled and nodded arrogantly. Harry continued. "I'm so happy you're alive! Even if it's only because the author wants to fulfill her fantasies by creating a glorified version of herself who claims to be your soul mate!"
"Don't worry, Harry! I would be a terrible wizard if I couldn't get rid of one silly fangirl. If an idiot like Gilderoy Lockhart can handle stuff like that, so can I!"
"Wow, Sirius, you're so cool!" Harry said giving him a starry-eyed gaze. "I wish I could be just like you!" He paused for a moment. "Well, without the whole mean and arrogant thing." He paused again. "And also without spending twelve years in prison." Another pause. "And you're straight, so I can't imagine you dating Ron, so I don't want that either." After a few more moments, he spoke again. "Actually, Sirius, I don't really want to be anything like you… but you're still cooler than anybody else I know! Except Ron, of course," he said with a grin in Ron's direction. Ron gazed into his eyes intently.
Sirius decided to put a stop to things before the two of them ended up snogging in front of everyone again. "Okay boys, why don't you go up to Gryffindor Tower," he practically yelled. "Your housemates are waiting!"
Harry and Ron scrambled away quickly after Hermione and the rest of their house.
Ah, to be seventeen again! Sirius thought with a nostalgic sigh. He was so happy to be back at Hogwarts—it was more of a home than anywhere else he had ever lived. Of course, the majority of his life had been spent living in either Azkaban Prison or 12 Grimmauld Place, which were both rather horrible places. And the fact that he was alive wasn't really a bad thing. Of course, a reason for not being dead anymore would have been nice… but Sirius didn't expect to get that lucky. It wasn't like bad Mary Sue authors actually did things that made sense.
Another Author's Note: For those of you who don't speak French, the phrase used above ("Te êtes ma vrai aiment") is the most horrid sentence I've ever laid eyes on (and I've seen some pretty bad French). I just looked up each word individually and took the first word at an online translation site. One thing I've noticed about terrible Mary Sues is that when an author claims their character is "fluent" in French, it means that the author has access to an online translator, but no real knowledge of the language.