A/N: Hey there, everyone. Well…uh, kinda have a bit of writer's block at the moment, so I thought I'd drop in this little one-shot fic as something to hold ya over.
I tend to be a very silly person…A lot of the time when I review stories, I spout out a bunch of nonsense along with my comments. ~_~ Since the main story is chock full o' drama, I need to get my silliness out somewhere to preserve it's integrity (or somethin' like that ^.^).
Anyway, this idea popped into my head when I read Tony's profile in the U.M.N. in the game. It called him a ladies' man, and I couldn't help but picture him going around Tim Meadows style from the Ladies' Man skit on Saturday Night Live. ^_^
Then I thought, "What if Allen asked him for advice and started acting the same way?" and I just about died laughing picturing it in my head. XD
*POOF!* It's Chibi Allen! ^o^ Disclaimer time!!
Allen: Why do you always have to use ME as your plot guinea pig...*sigh* she doesn't own anything! Not even the computer she's writing this on!
Me: Hey!! ~_~" I'm workin' on it, a'ight? For that, I will abuse my extremely scary author power and *ZAP*
*Allen looks down to see 70's style chain and open-neck silk shirt a la The Ladies' Man ^_~*
Allen: Aaaaaahhh!! x_x
Me: Kawaii...o^_^o Alright, since he's busy, I'LL just do the disclaimer. SNL, Xenosaga, and the world's most cheesy pick up lines... I swear they're not mine, baby, yeah! ~.~0 I don't own Austin Powers either...
*hugs Chibi Allen* Alright, on with the story, beautiful! =P
And bold letters or italics are for emphasis and/or thoughts
mmm...sandwich...
Allen and the Advice for the Dating Impaired
Excuse me, I don't know the reason
Why you're hatin' me
You must be doin' somethin' wrong
'cause she got her eyes on me
And for your information
I don't even know her name
You need to stop and check yourself
Don't hate the playa, hate the game
~IMX, "Hate the Playa"
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"Are you sure this'll work?" Allen Ridgeley looked incredulously at the datapad in his hand.
Across their table in the Ironman Bar, Tony nodded. "Hey, c'mon. I use it all the time, and I definitely know what I'm talkin' about." He grinned and winked at Allen. "Just do exactly as it says, and you can get any girl you want."
Allen stood up. "Thanks, Tony. I guess I'll owe you one, huh?" He turned to leave. "Well, wish me luck!"
He left before he could see the waitress take Tony's order, fall into his lap, listen to him say "How you doin'?" and then hit him across the face with her tray in a resounding "SMACK!"
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Allen plopped down in one of the chairs outside of the Foundation's café, ordered some coffee, and began to read through the data. It started with **9 out of 10 men say, "I scored with Dating for Dummies!"** He skimmed the introduction and went straight to "Chapter One: The First Impression."
"When initiating conversation with a member of the fairer sex, the first two minutes are the most vital to your success. Most men find it useful to give a witty line. Thus, we have enclosed an extensive list of these witticisms for your benefit. (VERY IMPORTANT: It's helpful to lean towards your target and place a hand on her arm.)"
Allen looked at the lengthy list on the screen and let out a long breath. Well, he thought I guess if it works on any woman, I should practice before I try it on the chief. He looked up at the waitress when she brought his coffee and gave her a nervous smile. Here goes nothing... Allen put his hand on the waitress's arm and leaned forward.
"Were you arrested earlier?"
"Uh, no..."
"Because it must be illegal to look that good!"
*SMACK!*
"Here's your check, scumbag." She went back inside, grinding her teeth.
Allen rubbed his cheek where a red handprint stood out in stark contrast to his fair skin. Why did that happen? Maybe I did it wrong... He looked a few tables over and saw a trio of women eating lunch.
I'll try again. It must've been the wrong line or something...
He scanned the datapad for a phrase, then walked over and leaned his arm on their table. One of the women giggled, and the other two raised their eyebrows at him.
"Excuse me, ladies. I seem to have lost my com number...can I have yours?" He tried his best to grin like Tony showed him.
"You pervert!" The three screamed in unison, and Allen was suddenly being pelted by three very hard and very pointy handbags.
As he was backing up with his hands in the air and arms protecting his face, the waitress from earlier came outside, pulling a large, muscular manager behind her. She pointed at Allen.
"That's him! That's the jerk who harassed me! And look, Harold! He's molesting the customers now!" The burly manager pushed up his sleeves. Allen's eyes went very wide.
"H-hold on a sec! It's just a big misunderstanding...Harold, w-was it?"
The manager grabbed him by the collar. "Don't say my name with that filthy mouth of yours, punk!" He yanked Allen to the railing and threw him over it into the street, dusting his hands off and turning to comfort the distraught customers.
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Allen pushed himself off of the asphalt with a groan as he heard his back make odd popping noises. I must've caught them on a bad day. The guide can't be wrong...can it? He looked at the phrase GUARANTEED THE LADIES WILL LOVE YOU- - -Or Your Money Back!
Nah. After all, it works for Tony... In the background, we hear a loud screech followed by a very Tony-like "Ow!"
Allen stood up with renewed determination. I just need more practice, is all. Shion, I'll make sure I'm good enough for you! He started down the street.
"Besides, Jr. says there are hundreds of women on the foundation. They can't all be having a bad day..."
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They were all having a bad day.
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"If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
*WHAM!*
He rubs his cheek. "I guess she would..."
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"All those curves and me with no brakes...Ooof!"
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"Yo, little miss thang. Wanna help me get jiggy with it?"
*BAM!*
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"You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away...Ow!"
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"Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!"
*CRUNCH*
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"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
*POW!*
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"Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!"
*SLAM!*
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"Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?"
*STOMP!*
"Ah! My foot!!"
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"If I borrowed your glasses, could I see you home?"
*SLAP!*
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"Say, did we go to different schools together?"
A mob of women ran screaming after him.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
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After being chased by 346 armed and very pissed off females, Allen barely managed to drag himself back to the Elsa in one piece. He shuffled into the lounge where KOS-MOS was standing. There were a few lines left from the book he hadn't tried yet. He looked at her.
Ah, why the hell not? I'll get a scientific opinion, and it couldn't kill me to try one more time...
"Ahem, KOS-MOS?"
"Yes, Allen." She turned her unblinking eyes to him.
"Uh, could you...help me with something? Just...give me the statistics of my chances of success if I told Shion this..." He whispered into her audio receptor.
KOS-MOS's eyes widened as a spark flew from her circuitry, and she backhanded the already battered man across the room.
"Allen, by my calculations, there is a 99.9862 percent probability that Shion will kill you in your current condition if you repeat that to her." She walked off.
Allen weakly raised his hand. "Unnh...thanks..."
He looked at the blood he was getting on the carpet. Aw, Matthews is gonna go subnuclear when he...sees...this mess... he thought as he passed out.
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Allen woke up in the infirmary to see Shion checking under one of the many bandages on his arm.
"Geez, Allen. What did you do to yourself this time? Hammer freaked out when he found you, and the captain nearly fainted when he saw the mess on his nice carpet. You owe MOMO for cleaning that one..." She looked at the cuts and bruises and re-wrapped the bandage.
"Uhhh...you see, Chief..." He looked at the doorway to see Tony walking by with a thumbs-up sign. Oh brother...
"Oh, nevermind. It doesn't matter. It's just a good thing you're still alive."
Allen's brain froze for a second. Did she just say that? Or am I hearing things again…I did hit my head pretty hard after all…
Allen still had one line left to use.
"Chief? Could I ask you something?"
"Huh? Sure, Allen. What's up?"
"Would you...that is, uh, could I...maybe cook dinner for you sometime?" He closed his eyes and cringed, waiting for the slap he knew would be coming. He waited quite a bit before opening one eye to look at her.
"Okay." Shion laughed. "I could use a break from being the resident chef."
"Really?!"
"Yeah, but you should probably wait until that wrist heals. Something must've hit you pretty hard to fracture it so badly."
Allen remembered KOS-MOS and shuddered. "You have no idea."
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After Shion had left, Allen took out the datapad that had caused him so much pain earlier in the day.
"Huh. I guess *Dating for Dummies* really DID work for me..."
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Ok! That's it!! Not the funniest fic ever, but boy was it fun to write!! ^.^
*Chibi Allen glares from body cast*
Allen: uuunnngh...
That's right, Allen! Thank you to everybody reading this!
Allen: mmurphmm
I hear ya! And a special thanks to:
*drumroll*
Goldensunsheba: Yay!! ^_^ You were my first reviewer! *cheesy grin, extra cheese XD* Don't commit...erm, death!! Love the reviews!! I get giggles every time.
Cynical Fluff: Yeah, Allen's the man!! Woot! ^_^ I picked on him a little myself here, eheheh. ~_~0 It's showin' the love though...Thanks for reading!
ExMachina: I just wanna get the storyline straight in my head before posting the new stuff...otherwise plot holes might swallow me, um, whole. o_O And I tend to write out everything by hand before I type...I'm an old fashioned kinda gal! ^_^
Shiteru yumi: Well, I've had a few ideas for HA! fics, but most of them have been done already. o^.~o I wanna be unique! **Allen: "She's unique all right. No one is a schizo quite like her..." Thanks All-...hey, wait a sec!!** But I've got some obscure songfics I might do...Maybe I'll do a few to try and get rid of my writier's block. =P
And anyone who read and didn't review, I love ya anyway! *glomps anonymous readers* I hope this little one-shot keeps you from bein' too mad until I post the REAL shtuff...^_^